When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
today im feeling confused. i just feel like i have’nt even started to heal from this mess. Im just so hurt from all of this. i gave my whole life to this man, i spent every day with this man. all i wanted was him to love me the right way, make me important. i thought we were a team i thought it was him and i. Im going thru this all alone, while he has friends to hang out with, to go to dinner with, to go on trips with. I have to rebuild my life all over again, i have to find friends, i have to learn how to love and trust again. I just want to be able to wake up and not think about him anymore.
i know that my post really ist about the entry but i needed to vent.
Dear Blondie,
I think most of us at one time or another have felt like your post seems to indicate you are feeling right now…that he/they are out there somewhere “doing well” while we are devestated and having to “start over from scratch.”
If it is any consolation, his “friends to hang with” are not truly friends, because he isn’t capable of having REAL friends, and you are. He isn’t capable of bonding with others, with loving someone else, and YOU ARE.
Your life will be better, his will always be the same—without love. He can’t give it and truly can’t receive it either. You will learn to trust again, just with some caution and not without proving that the trust is well placed. That’s NOT A BAD THING. One of the things that makes us vulnerable to the Bad People is that we are too trusting, too caring, and too uncautious. Just like a trusting child will wander up to any dog and stick out his hand, maybe to be bitten, but the child learns that not ALL dogs are friendly, so learns to be cautious with strange dogs. Not a bad thing at all.
In having had the psychopath experience we realize that there ARE people in this world that are EVIL, that will “bite” like the bad dog, but we learn from this not to blindly trust every person we meet. That’s a GOOD thing. We also learn just how strong we are, what POWER WE Have.
Have faith my friend, Blondie, you will wake up one day and realize you haven’t thought about him in YEARS! (((hugs))))
My life before I met him, the relationship shared, and then after. Who am I? I am still me. Still loving life and all that life has to offer. Good or bad, they are just experiences to be learned. Every day, every hour, every minute, I smile to myself while I am enjoying the moment and say “I am here, right now, this very minute, a gift from God, thank you God I am enjoying the path that you have guided me to”. Thank you God for loving me! Thank you God for allowing me to grow.
Hello again…….I say again because I was once here about 4-5 months ago..maybe not so long but with a different name. I cant use that name anymore because I dont want him to know I am on any sites nor that I am talking about him. When i was on we did discover that my boyfriend is in fact a S. I didnt want to believe it and chance after chance I gave him. He lives out of state, but we talk regularly and he visits every 3months or so. We have had plans on getting married, said he wants kids.. and swears I am the only one. I have had MANY problems of an ex of his emailing me and such about him and her still talking, him stalking her and such… but ofcourse he denied it or had reasons why they spoke..such as he was helping her out with something. His last trip here was GREAT he is so wonderful…I see all these blogs about how the man took them for their money, used them and such. But my S actually gives me money and helps out where needed with my bills. But i have noticed when we fight and I am on the urge of breaking up he uses that against me by telling me he has done for me more then any other man in my life has, then tells me i am just a loser and a user.
anyway my point here i guess is that right now i am hurt beyond i could imagine. I heard 3 voice mails of his from THREE different women. Each expressing some type of feelings for him as he as expressed to them. One mentioned loving him. One asked if he really cares for her as he says he does..and the one was in town wanting to see him. Now ofcourse this only means that our plans of marriage and kids were all just fake to him…..RIGHT?? I know duh…..
Do i just stop taking his calls and stop calling him…or should i tell him i know about the other women and then stop. He gets so angry with his words and puts me down when he gets mad. He has once made it clear that I can not leave him. I always thought it was lucky for me he lives in a different state but he has threaten to just show up if need be regarless where i live….words by him.
thanks
Hello to you learningme:
We are all glad you are back no matter what name you decide to use. After you read what you are interested in reading and learning from this source, feel free to share what you want with us as we all regain our peace of mind and freedom to being the best that we are.
Peace.
Hello all,
This is my first post, and I want to say thank you to the women who are being honest and open here. It’s been four months since I discovered my love is a psychopath and cut off all contact with him, and I’m still stuggling to regain my hope and trust in life and myself. I’ve been looking for books, resources – anything to help me make sense of this, and there are so few places for victims of psychopaths/sociopaths to get and share information. Finally!
ML – your words are inspiring and give me hope that I am not alone and things will improve. I know in my gut that I was played because, like you, I wanted my prince to save me and learned the hard way there is no such thing. I can only save myself and have to live that way from this day forward. Best wishes to all here!
Dear Learning me,
I think I remember your story, and the psychopaths have various techniques and they are all about CONTROL. It doesn’t matter if they grain control by taking money or by giving money, it is still all about control. My X-BF was big into giving money to his GFs because he thought that made him the “big man” to them, impressed them, but I refused his offers of gifts of support, or buying me things (appliances etc) by telling himm that I don’t need a man to provide for my needs, I provide for my own.
Your own words in your post, that he calls you a “loser” and a “user” show that he did not give you “gifts” but PAYMENTS ON CONTROL. Gifts are given for love and care, NOT ULTIEOR MOTIVES.
My suggestion, since you asked is that you send him a text or e mail and say IT IS OVER, DO NOT CONTACT ME. I WILL NOT TAKE YOUR CALLS OR E MAILS. Then block his number, block his e mails. If he shows up at the door, do not open it, and if he persists in banging on the door, call the police.
NO CONTACT, no listening to or reading his words. Cut him out of your life like you would a malignant tumor on your nose. CUT IT OFF before it kills you. TAKE BACK YOUR POWER.
Welcome, Marla, I am so glad you are no contact for your sake. Come here and read and learn and heal. You sound like you are already well on the way to healing. There will be some bumps, but you have taken back YOUR POWER and that will heal you, I promise!!!!
IM SO SICK OF EVERYTHING TODAY!!! IAM SO ANGRY. IM SO SICK OF PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE YOUR FRIEND. IM SO SICK OF MY EX S KNOWS EVERYTHING THAT I DO SINCE WE SEPEARTED, ITS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. IM NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG, ITS JUST THE FACT THAT IF I GO TO A BAR HE DOEST NEED TO KNOW, BC NOBODY TOLD ME WHEN HE WAS WITH THE OTHER WOMEN, NO ONE TOLD ME WHEN HE WENT OUT FOR HER BIRTHDAY, OR WHEN HE TOOK HER TO THE BASKETBALL GAME. NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE WHOLE F****** RELATIONSHIP. NO ONE IS TELLING ME WHAT HE IS DOING NOW.
Dear Blondie,
I hear ya babe! It is frustrating and crazy making and anger producing. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right….but it is just the way it is.
Scream and yell, and do whatever you have to do to get it out of your system! We’re here for you, and we DO understand. (((hugs))))
I was cleaning up my computer, putting files where they belong and came across how I searched the net years ago when I started to heal.
I hope these thoughts touch your heart as they did mine.
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The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their oneness with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.
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If there is any kindness I can show, Any goodness I can do, Let me do it now, For I shall not pass this way again.
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Lord, Help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can’t handle.
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Eschatological Journey Death, Judgement, Heaven, Hell Intentional life Is life lived well. Space and time Each is mine. Breathe in, breathe out Freely choose And turn about. ~ David Thompson © May 21, 1999
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Guaranteed to make you smile….
[Not proven to be fact – Only Neil Armstrong would know for sure]
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions. Just as he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space program.
Over the years many questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom window.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
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God, grant me the /Serenity/ to accept the things I cannot change, /Courage/ to change the things I can, and /Wisdom/ to know the difference, accepting hardships as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.
Amen !
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Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, And saw within the moonlight in his room, Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, An angel writing in a book of gold. Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, And to the presence in the room he said, “What writest thou?” The vision raised it’s head, And with a look made of all sweet accord. Answered, “The names of those who love the Lord.” “And is mine one?” said Abou. “Nay, not so,” replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, But cheerly still, and said, “I pray thee, then, Write me as one that loves his fellowmen.” The angel wrote and vanished. The next night It came again, with a great wakening light. And showed the names whom love of God had blessed. And, lo! Ben Adhem’s name led all the rest!
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Know what it is to be a child? It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief. It is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear. It is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowliness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its soul. . ~ Francis Thompson
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I have been to the end of the earth. I have been to the end of the waters. I have been to the end of the sky. I have been to the end of the mountains. I have found none that are not my friends
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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here. Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go. Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
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Grow old along with me The best is yet to be When our time is come We will be as one God bless our love God bless our love Grow old along with me Two branches are one tree Face the setting sun When the day is done God bless our love God bless our love Spending our lives together Man and the wife together World without hurt World without hate Grow old along with me Whatever thee decrees We’ll see it thru For our love is true God bless our love God bless our love
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The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller
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I must conquer my loneliness alone. I must be happy with myself, or I have nothing to offer. Two halves have little choice but to join; and yes, they do make a whole. But two wholes when they coincide. . . That is beauty. That is love.
Peace and all God’s virtues to every one.