When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
Ox and Learningme, It’s been 3 1/2 days of NC with what I believe to be a P. I am having some difficulty understanding a few of your posts about PAYMENT IN CONTROL or BAIT FOR CONTROL because I can relate to some of what you wrote they would do by asking for things back but in the opposite position, me being the victim and feeling that way. Here’s why”
Here is a short recap. We met new years. All was great for Jan, Feb and into March but not without many red flags and much “somethings not right here”. We lasted until July 20 but not without many ups and downs and breaking up or taking breaks. The final days were me moving in with her because my house in now is in foreclosure and I filed for bankruptcy. I found out she was 8 weeks pregnant on June 25 which was at the height of my suspicions of cheating.
We were pretty much done on May 30. I had enough by then; I was broke and emotionally fed up with all the bs. All the “something isn’t adding up’s” finally came crashing down and the suspicions of cheating became real when I ended up with a std this month. I put such a huge effort into being with her. She lives 2 hours away. It costs me $50 in gas to go there and back home. She rarely came here.
Within the first month I found out she was in trouble with money. It was winter, her heat was off and she lives part time with her two girls 12 & 14. So, you guessed it. I helped, a lot. I gave her $5,000 to get herself out of her money troubles. Keep in mind, meeting her was the BEST thing that happened to me. Everything was right; everything was moving fast, wow how we hit it off! INTENSE! We were moving forward fast.
It is my nature to help others, to listen, to find a solution for them. So, here I was constantly doing just that to the tune of investing over $20,000 into being with her and growing together including driving there. I was doing all sorts of other things a normal caring and giving person would do in and around her house and for the girls where their father fell short of helping.
Because I kept giving in many ways I felt such resentment towards her for not seeming to care how much or the efforts I put into helping ’her’ situation when in fact it was ’hurting’ me the most and she knew it was hurting me (later she says, “you were the only signer on your checking account”) Even to the point I would give her gas money if she drove here so she wouldn’t be set back for spending time with me.
The list of things I helped her with is countless in less than 7 months. It often angered me the fact that all the while helping the “thank you” or “I appreciate your help” didn’t exist. There was only a feeling of she expected it. I got to the point where I would say, “all I do is help you and all you do is treat me like crap”. It’s as if you don’t seem to care if I’m in your life or not. I saw my home situation coming to an end here and because she would say things to “keep” me around and to “keep” helping her I found myself investing more into her or ’us’ by making sure her rent was paid or her car wasn’t repo’d and that her gas was on when mine was off. I have not had hot water in my home since April, no hot showers for me. So you can maybe see how I felt as if I was helping her when it was hurting me the most. Paying the electric, gas, water, phone. You know what” based on her income basically I was financially supporting her house and her and the girls living in it. Her income paid for her gas for her car, some groceries, cigarettes and a 12 pack of mt dew every day maybe an occasional bill here and there.
So there where arguments that I would say all I do is help you and you act like you care less if I’m in your life or not other than for my wallet (the way she treated me). I wanted to take things back it made me so angry. It’s that feeling of” you obviously don’t appreciate what I do to help you so why bother.
I had a rude awakening the evening of July 23 when I learned about P. Wow! And earlier that day even though we were both txting “we are done” to one another for 3 days she slipped in her txt that “I have more important things to worry about like my car getting repo’d”. As if even in a last attempt to get me to bail her out one last time.
I recall reading… ’And when she is through with you, and she will be through with you, she will desert you and take with her your innocence and your pride’.
I think that became the case with us. I became increasingly more aware something wasn’t right here. Even before I learned about P she was “found out” and I believe she knew it for months. So am I wrong for feeling that way?
So, is she 11 weeks pregnant with my baby? I won’t know until Jan.
onguard just briefly…..we are talking about when the p is using money to control his victim…..in your case , it sounds as if you really cared for this woman and were trying to help out as anyone tries to help a loved one……….sometimes they try to control us with offers of things they know we need………………………..of course you are FAR FROM WRONG for feeling this way…..im so sorry it took her taking such advantage for you to find out, but now you know you can work hard to deal with the loss you feel and thank God you know now…..hopefully that poor baby is not yours….poor child
newworld, thanks. She was so good about making me feel like I was wrong or feel bad for thinking anything or having my own opinion or suspicions. My biggest weakness is the giving aspect and generosity. It hurts me so much at times but I put others before me often when it comes time to seeing someone in need or even if they ask for help. I put my things on hold for them (exactly the case w/her). I’m glad I had this experience because I see that I am learning a lot about me at 40!!
She was good at (txting things) to me to make me feel she cared. The “I love you” or “love of my life” or “wow” or “I’m so lucky” when all along none of those words were ever expressed ’in person’ except for strongly the first month or maybe two. I remember thinking she was nice leading up to a time where money came into play so often that I actually observed that behavior.
I want so much for that baby to be mine (I don’t have children) but I have so little hope that it is and if it is, what I’m going to be in for in the near future is what scares me.
just want to let everyone know, i had to have contact today regarding things we have together. i hate having any contact. he turned the conversation about our relationship. he wanted to meet, he wanted me to come over. i said NO to all of these things. he said WE ARE IN LOVE…god that just sounds soo wrong. they turn everything around to be about him. he keeps calling. he said to me, what is going to happen, when i just show up to where you are, and bring a ring and ask you to marry me. i just laughed and said no. its like i could feel him running his game on me, and i just had to get off the phone. he is just a sick man
Onguard,
I read in many books and on numerous websites focusing on Psychpaths, that p women are just as likely to birth babies from different fathers as p men are at birthing babies from different mothers. It is commen for P men to conceive with many women, then be either kicked out or they will split, moving on to their next victim.
Whereas the women use their babies, children as tools to satisfy their selfish, lazy needs, hungers, the men will also use the children as tools in trying to soothe the misery they have caused for their victims. They are absolutely famous for using the poor pitiful sob treatment to weasle their way back into a victim’s life, wanting a roof over their heads, food in their belly, daily sex to satisfy their addiction, and money to rob in an attempt to use and exploit the victim’s generous, kind nature.
My Psychopathic father used this calculated ploy many times when my lovely mother threw him out. He would cry most effectively claiming to miss his precious little tykes and my mom would see the tears streaming down our small, confused faces and would take him back….for us, or so she thought. She had no clue that he was a psychopath (and neither did we) until years later I questioned her after reading Dr. Robert Hare’s..’Without Conscience: the Psychopaths among us’…
If you haven’t read that enlightening, formidable book, I suggest you purchase it soon. It cleared up countless bizarre crazy making behavior directed, inflicted upon me by friends, family and boyfriends, one x husband and I am sure it will help you in understanding personality disordered people.
And you being above and beyond generous, supporting, concerned for your x gf and her girls, isn’t uncommon for good people to do. I don’t have much money myself and it’s been a long, long time since I gave money to another person but I have been guilty of paying for dinners, food more times than my X boyfriend was capable of or even offered. I won’t do this anymore as it proves to me that I am being used when I pay over and over for someone else’s good time.
Your situation is sad for me to ponder, as you’ve said you would love to be a father. I can’t offer any suggestions on this subject as I do not have children myself. But if she does turn out to be pregnant, can I suggest a paternity test? I think that’s the only valid way to assure you that you are the father and then maybe you can take steps after the test confirmation.
And I would also like to offer my sincere condolences for all the pain and suffering you have been through with this woman. No how, no way did you deserve to be treated with disrespect, callous actions and words. You are a good person who had the miserable misfortune to be involved with a predator. Yes, there are women predators as well as men predators.
The LoveFraud members will be here if you need to vent, rant, cry your heart out in an effort to purge her evil from your mind and body.
Jupiter’s moons, Blondie, if I had a dime for every time one of my PDI x bfs offered me a ring and to get married, I would be sitting on a big, fat hill of dimes.
Why is it that some men think that that most unluscious offer will cause us women to cave in? I didn’t like being married at all, regardless if my x husband was a PDI or not. I need my own darn space, time alone, but that’s just who I am.
Just another ploy to worm his way back into your good graces and you are waaay smart enough, wise enough to figure it out. Good for you, doll!
And I know it sucks to even have to hear their voice, although there is a part of you that yearns for that connection. But you know emphatically that he will hurt you again and again and again. That is not the way to live a beautiful, serene, happy life and I know you KNOW that, right?
My X (P) wanted a ring. It was his way of saying “now you are mine” to control, manipulate and decieve. Blondie he want’s to put that ring in your nose so he can lead you around like his possesion , not on your finger out of any kind of love or commitment
i know that he is still up to no good. it didt hurt to talk to him at first, but afterwards it does hurt. i miss doing things together. i miss that life i thought i had with him. i havent really filled that void with anything. i want to go on trips and upnorth and lay on the beach. i did all those summer things with him, and now i dont get to. it makes me sad. he calls me a liar, and i just sit here and shake my head bc is unreal how they call us such names. im the farthest from ever being a liar. as much as sometimes i want to believe he may have changed i know in my head he didt, and i would be a fool to ever think he changed. i see all he wants to do is go in a circle in our talks about us. we already talked about us, there is nothing more to say, he wants to keep talking till i give in and met him or believe his story. just so sad for the person he is.
yeah they are always up to no good. It is sad, but I think we feel that sadness about them and for them, we think they feel lost and sad for themselves but they don’t, they don’t think like regular normal people. The main reason my x was here 3 years is because I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him. Then all of a sudden I am broke and all along and he is happy go lucky carrying on as always. I wouldnt want his life, using and abusing inocent caring people. Some day it will catch up with them. We used to go places and do thing’s together. I still go places with out him. At first I thot I would crumble from the sadness I felt. But I am getting comfortable with him being gone. And you will too blondie. This is not the end for you it is a new beginning…hang in there
Dear Blondie and Henry, I think about this time last year, I was in, as Oxy puts it THE FOG, although not completely, because I was studying him, when he was around, very closely and was messing around with my head. But, yes, the difficult bit is being lonely and that is why he went straight onto someone else and cheated on me during our week breakups. I kinda know why he did it, but it doesnt make it any better. He didnt want that feeling of feeling vulnerable, emotionally dependant on me, especially during the splits, so he covered his exits by having others on the go. Also he was careful to pretend, but not to put down real roots into the relationship – and that sucks. I lived alone before him, but I guess like you said Blondie, its the doing things together that I really miss and other things too!! But that doesnt make for a good relationship, it is too thin, not enough substance. Yea guess the biggest pull for me was the companionship and I miss that.