When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
Dear Onguard,
Female Ps will many times conceive a baby as the ultimate HOOK for a man, and then use that child as a pawn to keep contact and get money from the father. The child is in a terrible position to be used as a weapon against the father, and the mother has no concern for the child. I have seen it again and again. You will love the child, but the child will be treated just as you described she treated her other children with verbal abuse. You will be upset that your beloved child is so verbally abused, but in trying to protect your beloved child she will use that child to “get back at” you –because they are always angrry at some other person. Your P sounds like a very angry and selfish woman.
I will keep you in my prayers and that unborn child as well.
Like others, I suggest you read Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience” and then keep on reading “the Sociopath Next door” and other books written by excelent researchers. Read every essay posted here in the archives and anywhere else you can find anything written by anyone who has the reasonable credentials.
Focus now on HEALING YOURSELF and getting your own “house in order” financially. You obviously tried to help her at the expense of your own financial good, and there won’t be any recovering of that money. If the child is yours you can and I am sure will be expected to pay child support to her for the child. I have no doubt that if you fail to pay she will put you in jail for failure to pay, so if the child is yours you need to be prepared for that eventuality in advance so that you aren’t slapped up side the head with that eventuality.
Mainly the only thing we can do, any of us, is to learn from the experience, get our own heads on straight, look at the red flags we ignored, learn from that and move on toward becoming more functional individuals and less likely in the future to fall for another disordered person. Everyone of us is able to love, and offered love to the Ps and they pretended to offer love to us, but it wasn’t love they offered but ILLUSION OF LOVE. But we thought at the time it was real, and finding out it is fake, that we have been tricked and betrayed is painful in many ways. Now, though, we have the truth and we have reality and we know what they are, so our focus must be on healing US.
Knowledge is our power, and NO contact (as much as is possible for those who don’t have children) is our means to OUR TAKING BACK OUR POWER. Good luck to you Onguard!
I absolutely agree JaneS!! Humour is a gift and you have it in abundance!! Havent you heard about the laughing buddha, have you seen that fat little man on market stalls? You have it, that ability to let your humour like a corridor of air, to transport you up and away from the clatter and din of life. I love reading your witty posts.
Hey, Bevvy!
You do want to swap email addys? Sos you can get a look at my face and know you are chatting with a real live woman and not a computer generated Bot girl?…haha
How do we go about doing this?
Beverly Why did we do it? I fell for the pity, I was conned. And in my case the first 6 months he was my captive boyfriend. I took him to work, picked him up etc. when I finally got him a car- his true self emerged, he would be gone overnite etc. it was only 16 miles to his job but there would be 100 miles on the odometer. I kicked him out several times, but he would show up or call or threaten suicide because he loved me so much. He was very endearing in alot of ways, the jekyl hyde thing. I liked jekyl not hyde, I kept waiting on jekyl. I dunno Bev. you said once it was because we were single so long and lonely.. We were good target’s i guess.
and I still want to believe somewhere deep down in him he knew he loved me, but he couldn’t handle it- so poof he is on to someone new- I am really glad he is gone. I miss the companionship of the illusion. That is something i need to work out– it’s like DUH, wake up Henry……….hi jane and oxy….
aww…my sweet Henry
Does it really matter if he loved you or not? I love you, sincerely. I want you to have best that life can offer you, hon, because you have so, so very much to offer to others.
I can see that you’re hurting today, ruminating as I’ve done countless times in the past wondering if such & such knew that they were throwing away a truly wonderful woman (me).
I don’t think about it anymore, because…why? What’s done is done and can’t be undone. I’ve learned to absolutely love me with all my inherent flaws but mostly all my inherent, learned qualities and gifts. Guess what? I’m single and truly happy. I have dated a few times in the last month but it didn’t click for me with these fellas and I told them so in a kind, gentle way. But even then, I’m sure they perceived it as rejection and were probably a little irked at me for not falling head over heals in love with them.
Not so easy for me anymore. I wish to be with a mate who not only stimulates me physically, but intellectually, emotionally, and most of all……….spiritually. I cannot settle for less and I will not settle for less.
It will come for you, doll, as the laws of attraction will prove. When you are loving yourself good things happen when you least expect it.
Sending you beaucoups of love and care, my friend..**HUGGS**
Hi, Henry,
Yea, it is easy to keep on wanting to “believe” that “somewhere deep down” but it just isn’t there, it can’t be there because they are so HOLLOW. Like a bottomless pit.
I think finally coming to gripos with the fact that NONE OF THE PS had the least concern for me was some of the most painful of all the emotions. Especially with my mother. I fought against believing that my mother didn’t love me, that somewhere she didn’t have a concern for me–it took a LOT to convince me that if my mother had gotten her “fondest wish” of my P-son coming home from prison before she died, that she wouldn’t have cared a FIG if it had meant that he killed me. I guess that was my WAKE UP CALL. She is so under his FOG, and invested in enabling the family bad boys that her behavior has become JUST LIKE THEIRS, ABUSIVE to the max.
Does that mean she too is a psychopath? I’m not sure but her behavior is JUST AS TOXIC so it doesn’t matter what the label is. I have to protect myself from it. From her. And the only way is NC.
Henry, from what you have told me, if you go back and “score” your X on the PCL-R, he sounds like he would “score high” on most of the criteria. My P-son maxed out. MY DIL scored high, my bio-father would max out. The Trojan Horse P maxed out. They are like someone stamped out with cookie cutters, the only difference is the “faces” and the “names” but the SPECIES is the same. If it looks like a duck….etc.
Being “lonely” makes anyone a good target, it made me one for sure with the X-BF-P and I was totally vulnerable and fell within days for the bait. I’m still “alone” witout a “relationship” with a man, but you know, I’m no longer “lonely”—nothing but that has changed. I don’t feel “needy” and I’m not constantly looking for a relationship. I’m not looking at the left hand of men I meet to see if they are married or not.
I’m CONTENT as I am and if a relationship just happens to fall in my lap I would consider it CAUTIOUSLY but not be so “hungry” that I would devour it without looking carefully for a hook hidden in the bait, like I did before.
Dear JaneS. Yes, I would like to swap email addresses, Donna already has my email, perhaps you could give her yours and she could email it to me or vice versa?
Ok, Bev…will do. Thank you so much as we can now swap pics and such! Big big fun…haha!
And I would also like to clarify in my last comment if a few of you are concerned I might fall back into the same old tired patterns of yesterday: loving a predator.
I have dated 2 fellas in the last month 1/2, a few seperate times. Not so much longing for companionship (& sex…there! I said it!) but for curiosity, to test my newly discovered boundaries, self acceptance & love, to visualize in action if all my hard earned wisdom, information/knowledge regarding PDIs and the initial red flags was being properly, protectively implemented.
So far so good, but I really wasn’t the least bit interested in these 2 guys after dating a few times. I’m not looking for instantaneous rapport, majic, those spine tingling, chemically induced feelings of connectedness. Holy smokes, I sincerely hope I’m not THAT naive any longer.
I’m just checkin out the scene, stayin in practice, ya know?
And as it is an absolutely gorgeous day here in the Pacific Northwest, with the temp mild and dry, the sky perriwinkle blue with a sprinkling of puffy white clouds, a gentle breeze swaying through the greenest of green trees, and my seductive bicycle winkin and beggin me to take a ride….I’m off!
Be back later….
Have wonderful rest of Sat-ur-day, peeps!
Dear JaneS, Reading a dating book I have, it says that the first part of dating is exactly as you describe, like trying on a hat, if it doesnt fit, you gracefully move on. Good for you girl, getting back on the horse. Oh wow, its Sunday evening here nearly 10.30pm and it has been lovely weather here too.