When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
Beverly
Anyway, just to let a few of you folks know that today I had my first checkup after my treatment and they are pleased with my progress and I am discharged with a followup checkup in 3 months.
Beverly
Will do HWS and thanks. Apparently there is a huge increase in breast cancer (sorry to deviate from PD) in women in the UK and I was sitting next to a woman of 26 who had it. There is alot of binge drinking of alcohol here, especially with women and they think there is a link. I think I will be fine from now on and my life now is quite settled and peaceful.
onguard68
holywatersalt,
Keep in mind I am still in the shock factor here. I have not fully understood what just happened to me and the situation I am in and I am only getting an idea of what further destruction my X P can cause not including to myself in that equation. I’m reading so much on so many levels and topics including real life stories trying to understand the P.
Understanding the P in itself seems rather disturbing on all levels and reading about a P when children are involved is even more disturbing and based on my own experience with this particular P I am very disturbed by how they go through life wreaking havoc without a care in the world. As far as the child is concerned in my situation all these conversations are hypothetical.
So it’s tough all around for me. I know if it’s my child- that the child when it reaches week 16 (a month from now) will be able to hear its mother screaming at the top of her lungs to her other two well adjusted children victim of P behavior further welcoming a new child into lies, deceit and a mother who isn’t even capable of loving or even knowing what love is or taking care of herself.
It’s painful to even imagine. My X P grabs her daughter’s arms so hard that she draws blood with her finger nails and swears at them as if they nothing but an inconvenience. Oh but that’s nothing, the possibility of knowing this child may be used as a pawn – as a tool to further exploit others. I’m thrilled at the fact that the baby will grow up with a series of men coming in and out of its life. We already have her oldest daughter (14) talking suicide and cutting herself (nobody loves me). Won’t be long and she will be running away.
I think the reason her girls became so fond of me was the fact I paid attention to them instead of telling them to “get out of my f’in hair”. I never told those girls I loved them, I showed them love. But that fondness fell short suddenly to a txt msg I received a week ago from my X “the girls think you’re a dick”. Oh what a nice surprise. It was at least nice to hear the girls tell me “you do so much more for us than our dad does, he’s a dick” before I became one too. I know they loved me at least the best way they knew how and it showed or was that also a con?
Maybe I would be more inclined to challenge her ability to care for a child in the courts for custody in January if I wasn’t already broke and going through foreclosure and bankruptcy. But wait; there is that obstacle of proving a P’s behavior is destructive and dangerous to a court. Who was it?… Robert Hare who said even he has been fooled. There is a lot going through my head not to mention health related issues due to her age based on what the doctor told her. Thats why I’m here to talk things through. I dont even know if thats my baby, I’m just trying to be prepared. I know too much about this woman and that frightens me.
Beverly
Dear Onguard, I know you posted to HWS, but I hope you dont mind if I put in my own ten penny worth in. Everyone here wants to give you guidance and help you and that is a good thing. I do, however, see that at this point in time, you do not know if the child is yours and anything can happen between now and then – whatever that ‘then’ will be – there are so many variable factors. It is probably enough to be digesting what and who your ex was, in the short space of time you knew her. Dont forget that in any relationships with a person with Personality Disorder – some of it will be bluff and some of it will reveal itself to you in time. At the time, I was panicking, wondering whether I had an STD or AIDS. You have so much on your plate at the moment, I worry that everything is being thrown at you by your ex and other factors in your life.
holywatersalt
I would do everything in my power if I was you to promote her having that child.
If that means responding to her- I would. No sex,no r/s just email, and convo….just as any parent has to when dealing with a psychopathic former spouse.
This is a life we are discussing, not an abstract idea. Yours or not.
Ox Drover
Onguard, I think your reply to HWS was very well put. That “shock” phase is so overwhelming. Hang on and keep reading and learning. YOu do have a lot on your plate right now, and the “what ifs” I think sometimes emotionally are harder to deal with because they keep you “hanging” to get an answer. And I always want answers NOW. “Please God grant me patience, NOW!!!!!”
Just exploring all you have done so far is a major breakthrough for you, and I think you have shown some amazing strength to have taken in what you have already taken in.
Since you don’t know if this child is yours or not, and since you can’t help or influence the P, I think you IMHO should focus on YOU and staying No Contact with her and let the rest of it unfold as it will
I know you don’t know my story, but last summer I literally had to flee my home to be safe from someone I recognized as a predator P who was out to kill me, and possibly my family, and only one of my sons even believed me, my mom, and my DIL (who actually became part of the plot) etc. but I just had to LET IT TAKE ITS COURSE, and protect ME, so my one son and I fled. Sure enough, about two months after we fled the whole thing blew up in a big brouhaha and the DIL and the psychopath both went to jail.
Sometimes they will be THEIR OWN UNDOING if you just “give them enough rope” they will tie their own noose and do themselves in (metaphorically speaking).
Focusing on yourself right now and learning about the P will give you a “full time job” for sure, but it is a good direction to focus because without yourself being “stable” you can’t help anyone else, including the child if that should per chance come to pass.
God bless you Onguard!
JaneSmith
Bevvie! That is wonderful, spectacular news…yay!
Do you think that besides the radiation treatment that all the positive reinforcement from yourself and all the LF members has helped immensely in your healing and recovery?
I do believe so!!…*hug*
Beverly
Dear JaneS. Of course, all the support I was fortunate to be offered, AND especially all the prayers from the kind people at LF helped and I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.
I will have another check in 3 months, then 6 months, then 3 years so I will never be out of the woods, but I am hoping that this is the absolute end of that phase, that nightmare, along with the exit of the Narcissist and his nightmare.
Ox Drover
Bev,
I am assuming from your and Jane’s last two posts that you got an ALL CLEAR check up on your cancer follow up! I sure hope so, because that IS GREAT NEWS!!!
It is amazing all the difference that peace, tranquility and positive thoughts and prayers make in our healing. (((hugs))))
JaneSmith
Bev,
You do know that you have been added to my nightly (and sometimes morning) prayers, doncha?
So has Oxy, Henry, Free, Aloha, Lilygirl, and….oh, heck! All of you wonderful, beautiful people are in my prayers! So there!…haha.