When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
Oh, btw, I have a curious question to ask you peeps.
Have any of you been confronted with people, whether you knew they had a PD or not, who would contradict and negate every opinion, idea, or even substantial facts that you had?
OOH….these types of people burn my britches, I tell you! It’s as if they are so much smarter, so much more experienced in their lives that they need to belittle you.
I think I am an articulate, intelligent woman. I spend many hours reading and researching subjects of interest in an effort to understand and to also see if my ideas correlate to other people’s ideas, research.
And then you have a discussion with a person who not only disagrees with everything you say, but he/she doesn’t even back up their own ridiculous theories. And they aren’t even listening to you at all.
Once upon a time if I had the misfortune to encounter these surly individuals, I would usually pout, feel tremendously uncomfortable, then leave without saying another word.
Nowadays, I’m assertively confrontational to this arrogant attitude. Recently, I said to this person…”Well, it seems to me that you consider yourself the Master of all Knowledge and anyone who has a differing idea/opinion from yours is a lowly peasant in your eyes. You aren’t even listening to anything I say, and you’re oblivious to the definiton of dialogue, so I won’t waste your time or my time any longer. Good day, Sir!”
I felt so great to finally be able to decidely stand up for myself.
Anyone else have a story like that to share?
and yes….I actually said…”Good day, Sir!!”…haha.
Sort of like throwing his pomposity back in his smug face.
Yes, it may seem petty of me, but I was not about to allow
some fool to treat me like an idiot child. No thanks!
Not that children are idiots ’cause they’re most definitely not, but I think you folks understand what I’m gettin at.
ok…I’ll quit talking…haha.
Onguard.. didn’t mean to pressure you or make you feel worse. I was just having a bitter moment lol. Good luck with your situation and my heart goes out to you, the baby, and the other two girls.
HWS, I surely care, I’m sure everyone here cares, but there is more than one life at stake here, and being the kid of a P is going to be torture as well, only it will be emotional torture. I suspect that woman is going to do exactly what she thinks will help her the most, no matter how it affects anyone else including the little innocent she’s carrying.
I have no doubt she’s plotting as we speak how to use the pregnancy to her best advantage, such as collecting support from two different men.. or keeping them both on a string, playing them for all she can get. Poor baby in any case and hell yeah poor or not I hope onguard keeps his finger on this situation.
But I totally disagree with militant tactics like legally forcing a woman not to abort, even though I am (and vote) RTL.
Jane.. I have a good friend who is kind of like that. It confuses me sometimes because he’s sincere and kind, but so dogmatic that his opinion leaves no room for anyone elses
I think I have even been that way myself sometimes, not out of a desire to shut the other guy down, but more of a desire to get at the truth no matter what (truth as I see it of course) blush…..
Jane, I think some of those people you describe are insecure and trying to bolster up their own self esteem by being “right” and others are like that because they are arrogant.
My x BF-P had no education beyond a high school and one or two semesters of college he flunked out of. He was quite bright really and well read, but he had to be RIGHT about everything, even if he didn’t know squat about it. I personally enjoy TALKING ABOUT a subject and LEARNING FROM THE DISCUSSION OR DEBATE. My husband and I used to do that regularly, and we both enjoyed it. Each person would (if there was a difference of opinon) research their stance and then we would compare research, etc. If it was a matter of OPINION we would still give reasons for our opinons etc. It was an uplifting and learning thing.
But the P-XBF had to be the EXPERT on everything. Once when he was talking about the medical information (which he didn’t know) about the medical condition of Andre the Giant, I made the mistake of pointing out (nicely) his error and then got the medical books to back up my statement. HE WAS FURIOUS. Now, that was MY field of knowledge and training, and he was an electrician, so why would he be angered by knowing more medicine than he did? I would not have felt put down by him knowing more about electricity than me? But he was. Anyone with a college education (especially a woman) who corrected him in any way was “talking down” to him.
If you said “pass the salt” you were ordering him around if you didn’t say “PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON IT pass the salt”–so he had a chip on his shoulder. Plus the arrogance, Plus the feelings of inferiority to others with more formal education.
Of course the best way to handle that one is DUMP them, and NC. ha ha For those others that are like that, I generally ignore them, but occasionally I have put a stop to some of them. Once I was giving a talk on Oxen at one of our living history groups. An ox for those of you who don’t know is not some special breed but ANY breed of cattle trained to work, it is a job title. I had Scottish Highland oxen (a breed of cattle from Scotland) and a man in the audience kept on interupting and being ugly and saying “I’ve seen pictures of oxen and THAT’s NOT them” So I finally stepped aside and asked him to come up to the front, and I said “Since you’ve seen photographs of oxen, why don’t YOU give this talk instead of me.” He shut up, and stomped off. LOL
Kat, I agree with you, she is definitely plotting and using the child as a pawn in her games. That’s the horrible shame of these people that they use children as pawns, but they do.
Thank you so much Oxy. Yes I got discharged from the treatment I had, the scars have healed very well, I have a pad of scar tissue where they did the lumpectomy, but I can live with that. I think I will have another mammogram in 3 months to check that nothing else sinister is there. As far as I am concerned that toxic man has gone and the toxicity he left me with has gone. I have been extremely lucky and blessed. I read somewhere in a book that praying benefits the person who is making the prayers! Thank you for your support and strength.
Beverly.. You astonish me. You have overcome so many thing’s. I think cancer or any life threatening illness can change us for the better, Despite the pain and fear it gives us a new perspective on life. It makes everyday a little better, we relish the simplist of Gods creations. I am just all over the place tonite, I think I have blogged on every thread. The more I read about everybodys stories, the longer I come here to the website, their lives become more vivid, their history’s more revealing. Their are so many stories of courage here. Bev in one of your earlier post you said “you are not good at relationships because the other person will alway’s be a wild card. BINGO- I hear ya loud and clear. So is this saying something about us that cannot be changed? Do we have (trust issues?). Remember a few months ago mentioned this new guy I was seeing and he made me anxious. Well I put him on hold and cooled things off. He was very understanding and knows about my past few years with the x (P). He asked what can I do? I said just be patient. I still see him a couple times a month, he comes and visit’s on a sunday or occasionally during the week. I don’t feel as anxious as I did. I think I just read more into things than I should. I am on gaurd, too much I think. He is the nicest guy, so darn good lookin!!! and he is not pushing me for any kind of comittment. Actually he has had to slow me down a few times. He want’s a friendship with benifit’s. Read between the lines here Bev. I am different than all of you here. I just don’t get the relationship thing right either. But now that I feel like I have firm boundaries and he has boundaries with me. I think I like this guy. There are no feelings of that panicy kind of love with him. We have both stated what we want, a friendship with honesty and respect, companionship when our shedules permit. Those red flags I saw with him at first are fading to pink. I just want a comfortable friendship. I think that is what I want from now on. No ( let’s get married and bake cookies). I want to let go of this maddening kind of love. That Mr. Illusion only exsist in my fantasies. I want to live with me, enjoy all the blessings that I have. thanks Bev for listening to my rambling…..
Hello again… will need to catch up on reading up what I missed but for now I have more about NO CONTACT.
Last i wrote she sent July 28th txt “hope things going better for u”. That was her first contact in 5 days. I did not reply. Then July 29th she sent email “I just want to know that you are alive and that I am able to get ahold of you regarding the baby”. Again no reply from me.
Here we are July 30th and got another txt “Need new address”. Again no reply. We talked about the idea of sending an email or snail mail in regards to notifying me of any doctor appointments or things relating to her pregnancy. Any ideas as to what I might want to do at this point. She is being persistent in 3 days in a row now.
There’s no court that will accept your self-diagnosis of her psychopathy. You are ignoring a woman who theroretically could be carrying your child…
If you want to be a father, say she has child- and it’s yours, your track-record is not showing it. I’d make contact, say even through an attorney. If you don’t, you are passive aggressively abandoning a child that may be yours.