When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
learningme,
my SP was also a “giver”. Within two months he put me on his bank account, even though I never asked to be, because he said I should be on it in case of emergencies. (Bail money I’m thinking).
He gave me LOTS of stuff, always paid for dinners. I NEVER asked for this because there was an underlying feeling in my gut that there were strings attached. And there were. Whenever we got in a fight he demanded the things back and told me he just lent them to me. The thing was, I knew what he was doing and I was tough. The more I told him “No, Im not giving it back to you, you gave it to me as a gift”, the more belligerent and nasty he got. Then after we made up he would say, “I didnt mean it…you can have it…I wanted to give it to you”. This would go back and forth constantly. His words and “truth” changed according to how well I was “behaving” and how well we were getting along.
He brought up many times how he would pay for me or help me. I never asked for his help but he would INSIST and not take no for an answer. This was all leverage to maintain control when things got bad.
At first I thought this was the most generous self sacrificing guy I’d ever met. Little did I know. Even the words he “gave” me were used as leverage.
Heres the thing. He’s like this with EVERYONE. It’s manipulation to make people think he’s the greatest thing since wallpaper. He had two best female friends. They were called “sweetheart”, “beautiful” , “special” as I was. It never set well with me and when confronted he said that EVERYONE is beautiful and special in their own way. How can you argue with THAT?
He gave me a really nice expensive necklace once…just because. A week later, we go to his friends house and he presents to one of his best female friends (who was sitting there with her boyfriend), an almost identical necklace from the same jeweler AND a bracelet for her belated birthday. Wow..I felt so “special” and when I brought up the issue that that was a somewhat personal item to give a platonic female friend and made the one he gave me less special (even though he took it upon himself to say that I was with him when he bought it…I had NO idea he was going to do that!) he argued that I was being petty. In my sarcasm I said, “why dont we buy her some lingerie next time?”
I was accused of being petty and jealous. They LOVE to instigate situations and then sit back and watch the fireworks.
Of course he “apologized” and said he didnt mean it. That’s his way out of his situations. “I didnt mean to blah blah blah”, “It wasnt my intention to blah blah blah”. And yet he kept doing shit like this constantly. I started thinking to myself, either this guy is a major head f**ker or he’s just plain stupid. Probably a little of both.
Dear Indiechick,
My X BF-P did the same kind of crap with the “gifts”—with all his other girlfriends he bought them things, like washers, dryes, cars, paid their rent etc. but when he first started dating me and started to try to do the same thing I REFUSED and it was like it was an insult to him.
A long time ago I learned that you “beware of Greeks bearing gifts” and that many people when they give a “gift” it is not a gift at all but a PAYMENT ON CONTROL. My mother is that way and I would live in a tent and eat out of a McDonald’s dumpster before I would take a dime from her even if she was offering it.
I have always been very financially independent since my first marriage (my FIL was a P) he would “do things” for us or “give us gifts” and then make us PAY FOR IT WITH BLOOD. I learned from that to not be “indebted” to anyone for anything.
My husband bought me gifts but he never extracted payment for them…so I am very CAREFUL who I accept favors from. Or “gifts”—-part of it is my Scots-Irish heritage in that you do not become indebted to anyone you don’t completely TRUST. Or that the relationship is not a very close or blood one. You can DO favors but are careful about the ones you accept.
It is obvious that you picked up a “red flag” from his “gift giviing” and his CONTROL about them.
My x had grown up feeling “poor” and when he got to where he felt “rich” (he was only middle class not wealthy) he got a good feeling about being so “generous” and feeling good about HIMSELF with a “gift”—
I grew up without a lot, but I never FELT “Poor” or that those that had “More” were looking down on me because my house wasn’t as big as theirs or whatever. I never felt “low class” because I didn’t equate money with “class” and “status”—I never have and don’t guess at my age 61 I ever will. Some of the most wealthy people in thenation are in my opinion “low class” and some of the poorest I know are HIGH CLASS people.
Whatever a Psychopath does, is about THEM not about you, so even if they are “nice” and give you a gift it is all about making THEM FEEL GOOD, not you.
I think you are well on your way to learning what you need to know about these people, the red flags. Knowledge is POWER and that is what we have to do is take back our power.
When I was involved with the psychopaths (family or SO) I felt powerless—no I am IN CONTROL of MY LIFE. I won’t give that power away to anyone again without first being dead sure that they won’t stomp my heart! And at the FIRST red flag waving, I am GONE!
Dear blondie: Just think of the compassion you will have gathered by the time the other woman posts here for help? Cheer up. Every time you are feeling low, remember to stop in your tracks and pay attention to your breathing… breath deep, continue paying attention to your breath going in and out of your lungs … inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale … listening to the rhythm of your breathing … until you come as one with the Holy Spirit who resides in each and every one of us. At the beginning of this process it will take you a while to get into the “now”, the more you practice, the quicker you will be able to get into the “now”. Being in the “now” is God’s love,
Peace to your heart and soul. Be kind to yourself as you heal … you will get back to being the best that you always were.
“Whatever a Psychopath does, is about THEM not about you, so even if they are “nice” and give you a gift it is all about making THEM FEEL GOOD, not you.” – Funny Ox…I had that sense during the first month I was with him, but alas…I ignored it thinking it’s probably in my head. Maybe I was the one with trust issues.
It’s going on day 5 of NC with him. He hasn’t called. This is highly unusual. I’m waiting for the bomb to drop. But because of all of you I feel so strong and clear headed and NOT ANGRY! I see now how I allowed this man to get into my head to the point that all I thought about was how I was going to exact revenge. I dont want to do that anymore. I dont want to “help” him see the error of his ways…I cant…its futile. I will refuse to buy into the pity party if he calls back…which I suspect will be any time now. He can leave his messages, which I download on my comp for evidence of his crazy and erratic behavior. Listening to those helps me to really see the inconsistencies.
One thing you mentioned…regarding families. I had been to ACOA years ago and thought I had “recovered”. I found that with jerkboy, I was caught in the same triangular trap from upbringing that I thought I had licked years ago.
A few times he would spend the night at his mothers because it was closer to where he was working and with gas the way it is, it was cheaper to stay at his moms. Ive never met his family partly because after 20 years of being married to a man with controlling parent issues I didnt want to deal with the inlaw crap…so it was my decision to respectfully back out anytime he would invite me to a family function.
I asked a number of times about his upbringing because I suspected there was some type of family dysfunction or abuse going on, but he claimed his parents didnt drink and were the most normal people in the world. (His father died about 5 years ago from alzheimers). The mother seemed like a nice lady (I talked to her on the phone a few times), but a bit “dingy” or “flaky”…kind of scattered, but nice and very sweet.
He has this little niece about 2 years old (his sisters kid). It seems the sister is a bit of a flake and dumps the kid off at the 70 year old mom’s house most of the week because she works…or does whatever. My SP was never married (red flag right there!!!) so he goes to help his mom watch the child sometimes.
A few times I got a call while he was at his mom’s. The kid was running rampant and they didnt know what to do. Now she’s 2 and going thru terrible two’s. I told him they need to set boundaries with this child or she’s gonna be a holy terror. You could hear screaming and craziness in the background as the mother (his mother) is trying to get this kid to settle down. He would say, “we just can’t control her..what should we do?” It was like listening to utter chaos in the background.
I would give them suggestions, but neither of them took them. They couldnt set boundaries. They had no clue about time outs. They thought that was extreme and mean.
The reason I’m writing this is because it gave me a good indicator as to what his mother’s child rearing techniques were. No boundaries. Frantic craziness in letting the kid run wild. It occured to me that this was probably how he was raised. I wonder if this can create sociopathic behavior in individuals. If a child is never told “no” and is allowed to do whatever they want…no discipline in other words…do they feel entitled and do sociopathic patterns emerge?
I was always somewhat of a compassionate drill sargeant with my kids. They KNEW the boundaries and if they crossed them they had to reap the consequences. My kids are for the most part well adjusted young adults. I was bound and determined not to repeat my parents mistakes with my own kids. It amazed me how unwilling they were to discipline this sweet little “monster”.
God has a plan for each of our lives.
James 5:7-8
Maybe it’s just me.
I’m pretty sure it’s not, but maybe it is.
I want things to go my way.
Not some of the time.
Not most of the time; all of the time.
I want to be in charge of my life.
I want things to work out according to my plan, my agenda.
And because of that, I can grow impatient with God’s timing.
I try to get him to follow my time line.
But few things are as dangerous as, and nothing is more futile than, trying to control God.
God has a plan for each of our lives.
And the Bible tells us that his plan is much better than our own.
We may not understand it; we may not even agree with it.
But when we are patient in following God’s plan, as James tells us,
we will come to a point of seeing that his time line is perfect.
And we’ll realize that he wants the best for our lives.
Don’t grow impatient with God.
Instead, trust in his plan, have patience and discover
how truly valuable the crop is that God has in store for you.
__________________________________________________________
Be patient, then, bros/sis/ters, until the Lord’s coming.
See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop
and how patient s/he is for the autumn and spring rains.
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.
________________________________________________________
`
A Prayer for Today
Dear God, As I go through life, so often I grow impatient.
I want to rush through each day, trusting in my own plans rather than yours.
Help me to be patient.
And help me see that your time line for my life is perfect.
And that when I follow your plan,
I will experience life unlike ever before.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Peace to every one’s heart and soul.
Indiechick,
Thanks for the reply to my post. I think I am still in this “just maybe” phase and I am searching for excuses to tell myself that (just maybe) he isnt a S. Even after I heard the messages of the other women talking to him one way or another about “their” relationship with them (and it was a “I am your friend type talk) I feel like I am telling myself that they are the ones that feel something for him, that he only feels the way he does about me with me, they are just hoping that he will love them like he does me. I am being stupid I know. UGH!! Even now everything just seems all fine. He has no clue that I heard those messages. He is talking about me looking for houses here for when he moves here but I am afraid to move into something by myself and then not be able to afford it so I so far have stayed where I am.
When he talks to me I cant imagine him talking like that with somone else. I HAVE TO BE THE ONLY ONE HE LOVES. HE TELLS ME THAT!! I mean we talk marriage, babies…and so forth. What if I did get pregnant (something he wants Badly) Is he really wanting that with just ANYONE.?? I am just so confused. I hate this feeling and that I let him continue to do this to me knowing WAY back in the back of my mind just maybe something is wrong with this whole story….
OH SORRY…THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO REPLIED TO MY POSTS AS WELL…..
Especially written for Lilygirl, but with all in mind…..
She gazes out her window
Eyes full with unshed tears
A delicate hand grips the sill
The other flutters
Resting on hip, then combing
through hair
Her breath ragged, thin, constricting
She exudes sorrow in every smooth
curve of her body, every fine line.
Defeat, eternal weariness occupies
her posture.
Startled by motion, movement
Her reflection in the glass
Same, but not same
Eyes glistening with fierce life, love
Luminous power, striking in force
The face smiles benevolently at her
She whispers, where did you go?
I am but a shade of you
I’ve been with you always, waiting
here inside your heart, says the serene face
Shall we merge and be one again? Will you
grasp my hand in yours? Are you beginning
to believe in your truth? That you are beautiful
beyond compare?
Yes, She replies with conviction
The face in the glass and She unite as once
was, together combined
She sprints like a gazelle to her bathroom mirror
Bounding with joy and eagerness
I am me again, I am free, liberated from
evil tyranny, liberated from sinister control
I exist and I am valuable
I am resplendent in my beauty
Jane—That was beautiful! I remember not too long ago, just a few short week’s ago, I had lost something, something I couldnt comprehend, something was broken, something was missing. It was me that was lost, where had I gone, it was such a feeling of loss, one that I didn’t understand. How can one lose themselve’s? Very slowy the person you were becomes someone very confused. Call it brainwashing, control, illusion whatever. But that (me) I used to be and know would never let this happen. I have found him (me), he was buried under alot of drama, alot of stress, alot of fog. I am back, I can walk in my beautiful yard and see the efforts of years of landscaping, planting thing’s that come back every spring and mutiply and get bigger. I stop and listen to the Whiperwill’s like I used too. I take time to watch the sun set. All these thing’s I used too do when I was just me. I am one again, not part of a lie, not an illusion. Maybe I am selfish right now but I don’t want to share me with anyone that doesn’t love me truly. I know who those people are. They respect me and only wish for my happiness and well being…
Indiechick,
PSychopathic behavior and thinking is part genetic and part environmental as medical science now views it. There are several great threads here, so I won’t try to go into all of it again, they are better written than I could, so go back and read the archives essays and blogs, it will take a while but there is some wonderful information on there.
Yes, there are some red flags in almost all of the Ps, that most of the time we ignore or gloss over.
The “triangle” of victim, presecutor, and rescuer is a common one with us (victims of Ps) and god knows just how much I played into the triangle from my childhood days on. I was aware of these things, but didn’t process them into myself the way I should have done. I guess I did it intellectually but not emotionally and I ran on emotions not logic.
I have realized too that healing is not a destination, it is a journey and we will never totally “arrive”—we just have to keep making progress toward the goal. Old, ingrained “microchips” of guilt and so on will always try to crash our “program” like a virus in a computer, but we just have to pick ourselves up and get back on the healing road.
Accepting that I WAS INVOLVED doesn’t blame Me for what the Psychopaths did, they had NO right to treat me that way, but I did allow it. Now, I am going to do my best NOT to allow abuse, to learn to set boundaries and to strictly enforce them.
I am fortunate that I have a great network of supportive friends and my two sons. I have NCd my mother and my P-son, my X-BF P, and every other P I have ever been associated with. I am careful and cautious about who I let into my circle of trust now, but not paranoid so much as just using good sense. I want to trust people, but at the same time, I’m not going to be anyone’s fool. Life is getting much much better and there is more peace and calm and joy in life for now. I’m doing things for ME that I need and enjoy, and not worrying about others lives.
I’m still the same caring, giving person I was, but I no longer cast my pearls before swine to trample into the mud, and turn and rend (tear) me, as Jesus spoke to his disciples.
I’m a forgiving person, but forgiveness doesn’t mean that I will ever trust that person again. Trust is earned not given as a gift. Once betrayed, trust may never again be restored to that person. I try to treat others with respect and expect respect and kindness in return.
The best revenge IS to live a good and happy life.