When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
I hear you and I understand your point of view Onguard. I hear how difficult it is for you.
My x wife and i get along ok now, now that the boy’s are grown. She was really difficult back when the boy’s were young. She caused us all alot of grief. When the boy’s got to the ages of 10 and 12 they took charge and told her not to treat their Dad so bad or they would live with me. Kid’s are the one’s who suffer when it comes to divorce. I put my boy’s first when they were younger, I never involved them in my emotional garbage. I tried to protect them from her anger. I admire any man that stick’s by his children and pay’s for their support. But believe me I know why so many father’s/mothers abandon their children. The emotional drama is to high, everyone suffer’s if their is no cooperation. sometime’s it is more than one can bare. My youngest son told me recently that he admires me more than any other man because I stuck it out, and endured the wrath, he said alot of Dad’s would have bailed.
Same here Henry. My daughter’s dad (who didnt have PD) and I split when my daughter was 4. He never paid me a penny towards her keep, even when he lived with us, but I decided that I would give him full visiting rights, even coming to my home, and that I didnt want to involve lawyers or trade visiting rights for him not giving me child support but rather for my daughter to see her dad, because I never had a dad around.
That reminds me. He ex doesnt pay her child support for her two girls. Any idea why that might be? He lives at the end of the road (about 1/2 mi.) from her and she has the girls Mon, Tues, Friday of every week and then every other weekend. He apparently doesnt pay of help much in any way from what I can tell. Seems odd.
Onguard,
I would be VERY careful about any e mails I send to her, because she may use them against you—I can say this because Ihave had my letters turned against me like bullets and shot back at me.
Several things you have written, as I understand it, I’m just restating these to make sure I understand the situation.
1. You are not sure the baby is yours
2. She treats her other children poorly
3. One day she wants your involvement, and then the next she doesn’t
Those things alone would lead me to believe that she is at least a personality disordered person. It may be PPD or BPD but she is definitely disordered and unstable, and probably volitile as well.
I think the legal advice is a great idea and I would work on that SOON, it won’t cost a dime to make some phone calls and see just what your rights and responsibilities are.
As far as “partcipating in the pregnancy” on the POSSIBLITY that you are the father, I would be leery of that. First because if you “participate” you have to participitate with HER. Secondly, you may very well “bond” to the baby and then it turn out not to be yours.
Plus, what does “partcipitate” mean? Supporting her during the time she is pregnant? Paying her rent, car payment, doctor bills etc? Obviously you have already “participated” by giving her money (just a thought? Can you PROVE all the money you have already given her? If need be for a court?
I really think that you DO need legal advice and surely to goodness there is some place you can get some free or low cost. Maybe you can call a law school, see if there is some kind of low cost or pro bono legal service for people who are “low income” (I think you should qualify) I’d let my fingers do the walking and see what I could come up with before I sent her any more e mails that might come back to haunt you legally, morally or financially.
I think Henry is right, this woman is a rattle snake and she is looking to sink her fangs into you.
Good luck Onguard, keep us posted on what you find out about legal services available. You might even call PLANNED PARENTHOOD, they might be able to give you soe advice, or even some of the “right to life” groups might have some legal advice available. The department of children’s welfare, whatever they call it where you live might also have some advice for you, or could point you to some place that might have some. A social worker (many planned parenthood offices and other groups for “problem pregnencies” have social workers) might be able to help too. God bless you and keep the faith!
OnGaurd- Her X doesn’t pay child support? Have you ever talked to him? Don’t forget who you are dealing with. If he does give her or the girl’s money it is my guess she doen’t want you to know. That way she get’s more money and attention from you….
It sounded to me that there was some kind of shared custody agreement, with some days spent with one parent and some with the other. I know several couples who do that and neither pays child support to the other.
I do wonder though if it would be wise to speak to her X. Pros and cons both ways I can see. the NOT KNOWING for sure about who the father is of her current child is one of those real “cliff hangers”–I still “vote” for finding if there is any way Onguard can get some legal or quasi-legal advice. This woman is a real witch, Henry! I think she puts my witchyness to shame!
For what it is worth Onguard, back last year when I was involved with my X-DIL and the Trojan HOrse P ripping my mother off for tens of thousands of dollars etc. I hired an attorney and “lost” pretty much–but you know, I left the scene and just “disappeared” and they IMPLODED on their own. Sometimes when you have a situation where there seems to be “no good answer” or you are “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t” the best answer is to DO NOTHING and “let the chips fall where they may”—it is almost a given if you contact her she will use it against you, and if you don’t that will make her frustrated and mad, because she won’t have anyone to “play games with”—so for “my money” and it ISN’T MY MONEY, it is your life and the ultimate decision is of course YOUR DECISOIN, I think I would just NO CONTACT her at LEAST UNTIL YOU COULD GET SOME LEGAL ADVICE and have time to THINK rationally about the situation both pro and con. You know what she is. Now the question is, “how best to handle her”—God bless you and her child, whoever the father is.
Well guys, I know I’m going to be the odd man out here, but I just don’t believe in abandoning a woman carrying your child, whether she’s a nutcase or not. It’s just not right. As long as he’s not afraid for his life, there are tons of ways he can eliminate or minimize her ability to abuse him.
He can keep her out of his wallet, out of his heart, out of his business, but as long as that baby exists, he can’t kick her out of his life. That’s just the way it is.
My second husband and I are raising our son together. There are some things we just can’t agree on, and many times we just can’t even be in the same room. But what are you going to do.. the kid is more important than our antipathy.
He still gets a little verbally abusive sometimes or crossing my boundaries more likely. When he does that I give him a “time out” from contact. That is, I refuse to talk to him, answer his calls etc. until he straightens up. This was advice from a counselor years ago and it has really worked fairly well. That way I don’t get my heart torn up, but we can still work together somewhat to raise the child.
Oh yeah and Henry, if you want to live alone and just have a bf for company etc., there isn’t really anything wrong with it. I don’t want to get married again either, and I really don’t want to live with anybody else until my kids grow up, because they have been through too much already. But I can’t deal with friends with beni’s because I end up feeling too alone. I want someday .. a real bf.
Kat- I don’t want to live alone. I want a life partner. For (me) that seem’s so impossible. My home is nice but small. I am too independent to move in with someone else. And if someone is willing to move in with me out here in the stick’s, then they will probably be a predator. And two male ego’s in the same house can be difficult. It’s involves more than romance and sex. Somebody has to mow the lawn, do the laundry, cook meal’s, pay the bill’s etc. I just feel more all the time that my expectation’s of “happy ever after” are unrealistic for (me). And yes a friend with benifit’s does leave me feeling alone and empty. But at the same time I am not dead yet!! It seems to be the status quo with gay men, it’s all about the sex. And look at it this way, we really are not excepted in society, especially here in America. In other country’s a person sexual preference is not a big deal. So yes men my age have been forced to lead a somewhat sub-culture life style. I have always known who I am, but have lived a life untrue to myself. And at my age it would be nice to have that specail somebody. I will always be looking for him but I have to be honest with myself- the chances are slim…..One reason I hesitate about blogging here is because I am different than you. Yes I share the same emotion’s and desire’s, but your’s are more obtainable than mine. I think this is why the encounter with the sociopath has almost destroyed me—my dream’s are only an illusion….