When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
Hmm I don’t hesitate very well do I? Sorry peeps..
Kat- You didn’t ask for all that information did you, sorry
lol Henry.. you can talk to me all you want, I really like your insights and love your humor. But believe me, it’s not just gay men.. this is such a huge problem for women too, because with an awful lot of men, it’s all about the sex, but we often want much more.
And at our age it is really hard to give up the independence. All I want is one good man to get old with, sit in the porch swing, walk hand in hand, shop, garden, w/e. Yet it seems to be impossible to find it. I really think that we are meant to find the love of our lives while young, and then become more attached as we grow older.. it’s so hard starting over and over.
My dreams are just as much of an illusion as yours, sweetie, all the men my age are after girls in their twenties and thirties. I have kids, and one problem child who almost nobody can get along with, and then I usually have to deal with their kids as well, their parenting styles.. bad habits.. oy. It’s just so rare for third marriages to work as well.
Hate to pop your bubble buddy, but your position is very much the same as the rest of ours. Also.. I gotta say in my experience, gay men and women have a LOT in common, which is probably why they end up as best friends so often.
Henry, I agree with Kat, we do have more in common than you really want to see I think. Just start off with the “numbers” game as far as “available” partners.
I am 61 yrs old, for every 100 unmarried women between the ages of 35 and 65 there are only 30 unmarried men. So, right there I only have a 30% chance of finding a man. (If all other things were equal)
But you know all things in this life are NOT equal.
Now, the 35-65 year old man, if he is “worth having”–let’s just put the criteria at say 1) has a job 2) isn’t a drunk/druggie 3)has most of his body parts working etc. can have a woman who is 10-20 years younger than him.
Appearances ARE important and especially to men. So this 60-65 yr old man I would be interested in eliminates most of the men in that group of 30 men that are available since most of them are younger than that. So let’.s say that out of the 30 men “available” for me and the other 99 women there are only 5 anywhere near my age (60-65) so okay, that 5 men have 15 women to choose from, most of whom are YOUNGER than them. Now, who is this “single” man going to be looking for? He is going to be looking for some nice looking, slim woman between the ages of 45-50, he is NOT going to be looking for a woman his age who looks her age, because he has a choice of the younger “hotter” ones as well. So the chance of ME finding a partner that I would have are about like the Lotto–about 1 in 13 MILLION.
If you factor in the fact that I would not want a guy who was uneducated, ( and I include self educated in there) and I would not want one of the guys my age who was already in very poor health, and so on. I also don’t want one who is in deep financial difficulty, has children he is paying child support on, has had 4 ex wives, had been a sexual “player” earlier in life, etc etc. I know several guys I would be “interested in” BUT—one is 64 and has a 12 yr old and an 18 yr old at home (that right there pretty well eliminates him as far as I am concerned) and SEcondly, he is TOTALLY in my opinon UNREALISTIC with his finances and is always in the red. He and I don’t see eye to eye on finaces at all. This man is otherwise totally wonderful and we have been great FRIENDS since college, but I KNOW that I would NOT be happy with someone who was still raising kids (and especially since his and my parenting is not near the same) and secondly, money issues is a BIGGIE with most couples and that right there would make it a LOSING situation as far as a “relationship” would be. Plus, to top it off, our idea of “housekeeping” would not fly either. I’m not Suzie Homemaker about things, but at the same time I am so much more neat and clean that his habits would drive me up a wall, and I know that. So, that eliminates a “perfectly” nice person….FOR SOMEONE, but NOT me.
I could list 50 other guys that I know that are single that would NOT be even close to a match for me, and none of them are psychopaths, just LIFE STYLE AND ATTITUDES are different from mine. I know another guy who is a GREAT guy and he was very interested in me, however, he is a COUCH potato and there is NO WAY he could keep up with me. My idea of life is not sitting on the couch watching TV at this point in time anyway. I’m not a “house dog” I want out in the woods and he has laid on the couch so long that walking to the car is a “breath taking” hike. LOL
So you see, Henry, I have about zero chance of finding Mr. Right as well. And you know what, “I AIN’T DEAD EITHER” in the sexual desire department, but at the same time, I have decided that FOR ME a “friend with benefits” or a “series” of these “friends” isn’t what I want because sex is too personal, too wonderful and too bonding for me to have “JUST SEX” with another person and not get emotionally tangled up with them. Plus the STD part of “risking my life” playing “sexual roulette.”
And, yea, that’s not my idea of the ideal way to live, I’d much rather have a partner that I loved, but you know the thought of NEVER having a partner again after my H died made me deeply depressed before the P, but since then, I’ve come to grips with thefact that the likelyhood of me having a partner again at my age is slim, but I will NOT let it depress me and make my life miserable about what I can’t have that would be “ideal” and just enjoy the fact that I am alive, in good health, and have so many blessings that that isn’t going to ruin my life by not having that ONE thing.
So, it is up to each of us to decide which things we can live without, and which things we can “accept a substitute” for and how we want to live our lives. No one answer is the RIGHT one and all others wrong.
Oxy,
You’re really smart with statistics. Also a little depressing…haha. I think that’s why I ignore statistics, not because of “informed denial” (thnx Aloha) but I would give up alltogether in mingling with fellas, give up on searching for a not only decent, good man but one who stimulates me on all levels. It was my dilemma as I’m sure it’s yours also, but no so much anymore.
As Aloha wrote on another thread that all she had ever wanted was a genuine love relationship with a man. Just one dude to love and to love her, completely and truly.
For a thousand years that was my fondest, deepest desire. Yes, I have been in love many times in my life and that love has been sometimes returned in force by mentally healthy, sweet dear men, but for whatever reason these relationships ended. As some do.
I don’t waste my precious energy or time reminiscing about the past (except when I was ruminating on that hidden gold Donna so eloquently discussed) as that is not only dangerous territory but it’s also a fruitless endeavor to reflect on past pleasant experiences for too long.
I want to live in the now. I want to embrace, explore, be joyous in each and every minute I’m alive because we never know when our time is up. We are not soothsayers, oracles able to predict our futures.
So, I no longer feel melancholy when I consider myself without a loving partner. Yes, I have those few days when I long for intimacy, but they usually hit me when it’s hormone season at Jane’s house…haha. Then these feelings quickly subside within a few days.
I am committed to loving myself completely, to nurturing a more fulfilling universal love and compassion for people and critters. I am committed to living a peaceful, spiritual, joyous life enjoying every second of my existence with or without a man.
I guess I’m just too darn practical to do otherwise. 🙂
Well, Jane, the menopausal cessation of the hormonal fluctuations are the wonders of “old age” and not having PMS every month (but I DO STILL HAVE THE GUN) LOL is actually very nice. In fact, it is very freeing of the libido actually, at least for me! The thing is I DID HAVE that wonderful “soul mate” for 20 years and I can reflect back on that now without being too sad for the loss. I still miss him but it is more like he is “still with me” in so many ways, still a part of my life with the good memories. Not like I wouldn’t be attracted to some really neat guy if he popped into my life (God, are you listening?) it is just that I don’t feel the “addict without a fix” feeling any more, if that makes any sense.
Yea, the statistics are depressing but they don’t depress me, they JUST ARE WHAT THEY ARE, and if it is “meant” for me to have another soul mate I figure the Father will arrange it, but in the meantime, I am not going to fret about being “single.”
Single has advantages even over a really good relationship in some ways, it gives me freedom to be absolutely self centered in what I want to do and when I want to do it. I don’t have to consider anyone else at all. If someone says “Hey, let’s go do somethhing NOW” I don’t have to call home and see if he has any plans it would impact on.
Another great thing too is that you don’t have to worry about shaving your legs! LOL ROTFLMAO
I also totally agree with your last paragraph completely.
Oxy,
I think it’s super awesome that you cherish loving memories of your husband. Of course you do as I have wonderful memories of folks who have been extremely valuable to me, extremely important and most of them still are.
I just don’t want to waste too much time reminiscing about the past as I might miss something/someone interesting today. So I keep my eyes open, my mind, my spirit, my heart open to new and exciting adventures because I wish to truly LIVE, ya know?
What’s that great saying?….”Get busy living or get busy dying”
I’ve only just discovered in the past 4 years, the exact true meaning of LIVING. And you better believe it, my friend Oxy, I am living it UP!!…..haha.
Speaking of living it up, I just had a great bicycle ride through the town, down by the lake, in the cute neighborhoods, slowly through the park, then I stopped at my favorite little cafe and had me some chow.
Yes, one of the neat things about being single is exactly what you said…do what you want when you want and not being concerned if your “date” is having a good time or not. I prefer eating alone anyway, sos I can focus on the good good food presented before me.
And that idea is supported in Buddhist philosophy/religion in seeking to “walk the path of mindfullness” Truly enjoying every single little thing you do, even the joy of eating. But I think I sometimes take advantage of this joy, as you’d need to pry my beloved chocolate out of my hands cause I don’t give it up all that easy!….haha.
Another great thing too is that you don’t have to worry about shaving your legs!
Oh, you do speaketh the trutheth! But sometimes when I have shaven my legs in eagerness for fun carnal activities, it was a wasted effort as my partner was less than…how do you say?….satisfactory in eliciting a pleasurable response from me. 😉
Sometimes it’s just better to drink a chocolate shake while taking a hot bubble bath. At least I can honestly rely on those two things to give me pleasure…haha.
After the sociopath is gone. Do they ever go away? Things got way out of control with the Ex last night and this morning. She seems very consistent with her repetitive behavior cycles.
I have two cells phone with two separate providers. One phone number I had forever and the other number was for her to save on calling charges (same providers). Today I had to setup my email to delete all messages from her directly from the server so I never see them.
Next took txt messaging off the phone used to call her. Now she must call me to talk and that is highly unlike her to do. So when txt messaging was turned off she then started to text me on the other phone so I had to change my phone number.
Wow, the things she says are incomprehensible, so distorted. Now I can sit and watch TV without reading those pointless, meaningless txt messages. Apparently when they know you want nothing to do with them – it makes them do more to be in your face.
I like OxDrover’s statistical side -I’m a lot like that too. Most people dont know we spend countless hours collecting that data. 😉
Dear Onguard,
NO CONTACT will drive them freeking crazy ***sometimes***some just diappear and you never hear from them again, others will STALK you, call, text, come to your house, write letters, turn you in to IRS, call the cops and say you broke into their house, vandalize your car/house etc.
From what you have told me about this woman, I think she is going to be pretty hard to “get rid of”–especially after she has committed to hook you with “the baby” (yours or not). But, if you “deal with her” (contact) she will just get WORSE and if you Don’t “deal with her” (NO CONTACT) it is going to frustrate her and make her so mad she will come on WORSE. So my opinion (and I’ve been wrong before) is that she will get worse NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.
My psychpathic son was absolutely LIVID AND ENRAGED when we cut off all contact. He wrote letters, he wrote letters to others to get them to call us and “see if they are okay” he raged in letters to my mother, he cried in letters to my mother, he did everything he could to elicit SOME response.
When you “ignore” them you are giving them the WORST insult you can–since THEY are the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE if you ignore them you are “disrespecting” the fact that THEY are the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.
When little kids are trying to get your attention (say age 2-3) and let’s say you are on the phone and trhing to have a conversation the kid will first try to get your atteniton with something “positive” but if that doesn’t work and you dont’ get off the phone and NOTICE THEM they will turn over a lamp, climb a curtain, or whatever it takes NEGATIVE to get your attention. WHATEVER WORKS. The Ps seem to be like that in that they CRAVE NOTICE, ATTENTION and they dont’ like to be ignored AT ALL.
Without talking to you, they can’t manipulate you. Without you noticing them they have NO CONTROL and not having CONTROL is scary to them. They don’t handle frustration very well either. So she may “up the ante” if she wants to get violent about it. However, contact isn’t going to make her any easier to get along with either. Having a relationship with these people is sometimes like riding a tiger—it isn’t the ride that is so horrible it is figuring a way to GET OFF THE TIGER’S BACK AND STAY ALIVE.
Onguard once I was collecting stuff to do a book about “completely useless information” and then some dude came out with the “Book of Lists” and made a fortune! Oh, well a day late and a dollar short, but I thought it was a good idea at the time. Did you know the average male beaver weighs 59 pounds? Now you do. LOL
Ox, are you trying to scare me more? It feels eerie enough not to hear those txt messages coming in. It’s so quiet tonight, no emails” nothing. I’m glad I live 2 hours away. It’s not likely she will call me because she would have to make up an excuse and if it’s not ’baby’ related then doubt she will, although she seems to take pleasure in getting under my skin.
I’m CURIOUS how people ended up FINDING OUT about their EX being a sociopath/psychopath. All I remember was doing a Google search on something ’maybe a specific personality trait she had’ and ended up on a psychopath site and I’ve been reading and taking notes ever since, just over a week ago.
Any thoughts on these: from Thursdays log
“W-out your drama my life is actually lining up quite well”.
“u will see in the end. I am happy & my relationships w-people I love have never been better”.
“I have been given a new chance”.
“I have no intention of asking for child support so let’s pretend we never met”.
“No way u will take this kid out of my sight”.
I’m glad to see she managed to swing her relationships around with others in 2 weeks.