When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
Dear Wini, What you say is so right. Myself and my ex never argued once face to face. He used to mobile phone to text me nasty messages when he was displeased – but I rarely saw him lose his ‘cool’. Even when he went to thump a bloke in the woods, he did it so calmly and out of sight – that I wondered if he had pretended. What was true and what was bluff – was the big stumbling block to me.
I ‘knew’ he was keeping his thoughts to himself and I said to him, anytime you can talk to me, (thinking we can stocp our thoughts sabotaging the relationship). But now looking back, he gave up really early on (or he had never really run with the relationship) and I held him at arms length for quite a while, because it was not that he was a low status person, it was because I suspected something about him, that he was cruel, so although I gave out parts of me, some parts I kept back.
That’s the worst bit, realising that you have been ‘had’, when you have been genuinely trying to give to that person. Betrayal.
I forgot Wini…… Im breathing too!! Breathing…breathing…
The other big realisation for me, was seeing that his ‘feet’ had never really hit base in the relationship – he had never really unpacked his bags. His relationships dont last more than a year and he said he had trouble finding a girlfriend. I saw at the end, that he has no trouble at all in finding girlfriends – he cannot keep them – he is an alpha male – but he knows that none of the women are perfect enough for him and so he ascertains the womans qualities in relationship to HIMSELF and so he fast tracks himself through relationships without investing too much, so that he can withdraw and keep his options open, even if it means spending time alone.
Mine claimed that women just didn’t “approach” him and that he’d never had much luck with gaining the attention of a woman. LOL! Why would a woman need to approach him when he was approaching every single woman he came in contact with? Although, I was married to him for nearly 7 years, he would say little things that made me feel as though he was just “passing through”. He didn’t talk about me, our home, or anything else as though they were long term. He even spat out at me when he was leaving “nothing’s forever”. Then, he left my 26 year old son (from a previous marriage) the strangest note. In the note he said “7 years is a long time but it’s not a lifetime”. I have NO idea what he meant by that statement.
Hi Beverly: Me too. I enjoyed my morning … the birds had this nice melody going on … from tree to tree … all the different music they made … the squirrels were busy getting what they could out of the hazel nut bush in the corner of my yard. These little critters are so funny … I feed them peanuts during the year … I lighten up on it mid spring until late fall … because they can naturally get what they need during the warm months … but boy oh boy in the winter … if I don’t put those nuts out for them … they come up to my bedroom window and knock on it … driving my cats nuts … like “mom, what do these guys want”. I tell them … mind your business … they want to eat too. I go to the back door and put the nuts into their tray. They are so much fun to watch.
Anyway, what did you think about Tolle’s explanation about the ego? Some are in check and others … our EX’s are out of control. I think if they were forced by the courts … incarcerated in “Romper Room”, the pee wee hermans of the world can learn to quiet their minds … after quieting their minds … focus on reading the word of God. They have to be incarcerated in Roper Room to do this … cause living in the EGO the way they do, they WON’T do it on their own. I think our prison systems have to change and get it up to speed with what Tolle is explaining. I just though of something last night and wrote it to henry. If you want, check our the parable I remembered. Just came to mind what henry wrote, so I wrote it back to him. I also thought of something (isn’t it weird how things pop into your mind when people trigger them???”, I wrote about the love he lost and reminded him where to find it. It was never gone. Write back, I miss chatting with you.
Peace.
tami look at the bright side. At least he got to know a great soul and her son for seven years.
Peace.
Hi Wini, I found one of your threads. Yes, my exN had the BIGGEST ego ever. On one of our many splits, I wrote a list to myself of his negative qualities with a heading that said ‘A list to remind myself not to go back with him again’. The list said; unyielding, rigid, angry, secretive, punishing, neglecting, controlling, stubborn, selfish, manipulative, immature, unforgiving, self protected. I believe that these are the qualities of a walled up ego. When I tried to introduce him to meditation and suchlike, he returned the books and articles saying to me ‘I solve my own problems’.
Problem is Wini, that many people with personality disorder live underneath the legal system, they dont get caught, they just spin their chaos in secret. I wish his next gf would come and speak to me, I bet she has no idea what he is capable of, although she probably thinks he is weird. Yes, I read the parable about the scorpion and turtle – I have my own little parable on the hamster. My daughter and I share a hamster called ‘cornflake’ and I handle him alot – the day I told someone he has never bit me, he did bite me!! I replied to your other thread Wini, but it has disappeared up the screen, will try and find it. Best Wishes Wini. (Angela)
I just went back and re-read the first article/essay on this thread and got to thinking about it again. I really do miss my husband, and with the anniversary just past of his death (4 yrs) this has been particularly a “missing” week, but even still, I plan my schedule of what I do each day around ME. There is no one I have to play my day around. I an totally FREE to be “selfish” in any way I wish right here in my place.
I can eat when I am hungry, sleep when I am tired, work when I feel motivated, and not when I’m not motivated. I can stay in, go out. Do whatever I like. There is no one I have to take into consideration in myplans. There is a certain freedom in that that can’t be had if you have others you must consider in your day—no matter how much you love them.
In a week or ten days my son D will be back home from his summer job and I will start to have to consider him somewhat in planning my day so we can coordiante our efforts on the joint projects we are working on, but in many many ways being “alone” is the ultimate freedom for me at least.
The down sides like having to mow my own grass now aren’t all that big of a deal—or, I could just let it grow since the neighbors cant’ see it and out here in the boonies there’s no one to give you a citation for not mowing your lawn!
Beverly: My EX has perfected his dysfunction. He acts normal. Cooks, cleans, does laundry, takes the garbage out, cuts the lawn, builds/repairs things, never argues, ended up making me say I was sorry for accusing him of stuff, attends church, goes to wakes/funerals/weddings/church functions with you, enjoys your family and friends … yadda, yadda, yadda … kisses you good bye … and then weeks/months later when you go looking for something, he stole it … then comes the liens on your house cause he bilked up your credit cards to the max … and stole money out of your bank account all along, writing himself checks and signing your name … stroking you and stroking you … so you are off your guard … totally trashes you … then is off to his next unsuspecting victim. So’s he’s built himself a better mouse trap … living off of women, taking them for everything he can get his greedy little hands on … not working … so he can show the courts he has no income to pay his ex for his child support … asked me for money for the support and that he’d pay me back …. yadda, yadda, yadda … you know that story … lied and cheated and dated other women and spent my money on them … pretends he’s starting a business and takes every investor for their money (mine too) … and scoots on down the road to another state, living off another woman … and he’ll do this until the day he dies. Talk about “catching more flies with honey”. So, I hate reading everyone beating up on themselves … you just never know. A nice guy can be such a slime in disguise. There is no warning signs with this character. My EX has perfected his game. He knows what he can get arrested on and what he can’t. He knows who will come after him and who won’t. He knows even if you sue him in court … big deal, try to collect. He knows all the flaws of the system and plays them to the hilt. And he knows that most men have been burned at one point in their lives … so attorneys, the courts, the police, investigators … they’re all in the brotherhood of “good, she got it … some guy finally got some woman and got away with it”. The Good Ole Boy network alive and well in our society.
And everyone looks the other way and puts up roadblocks for them…
Peace.
Hey Oxy: If it’s any consolation, I ALWAYS GET IN TROUBLE FOR SPEAKING THE TRUTH. I’d rather speak truth than to be wishy washy and make some thing up just to smooth someone’s feathers. Hang in there. What you have been saying is from your heart. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Anyone that can’t handle the truth … I don’t know what planet you’re living on …? This topic that we are all blogging about needs to come out of the darkness and into the LIGHT. Period. It’s out of control out there … and these folks that want to live delusional lives and trash folks, well … it just goes to prove the breakdown of the church and learning, loving, knowing our maker. Period. To all the atheists out there … MAKE ME A FLOWER, MAKE ME A TREE, MAKE IT RAIN, MAKE THE SUN SHINE, MAKE THE MOON GLOW, MAKE THE GRAND CANYONS … THE CLOUDS, THE SKY THE CLOUDS ARE IN …etc. etc. etc. For all those living in their egos … give it a rest already, humble yourself, fall to your knees and pray to God who created you and every thing …
Enough said about all the pompous egos in this world.
Peace.