When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
Oh, and one more thing since I’m on a roll about truth. Why are we so concerned about the egos of the world and their civil and constitutional rights? They certainly don’t care about ours!
Oh, I forgot, it’s about the other idol that everyone seems to worship starts with “$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$” ends with “$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$”.
Peace.
Benzthere: I think what happened is, like most folks blogging on this site, we get bounced from one post to another without having time or even knowing where an original post was written. I don’t think anyone is doing anything “derogatory” towards another hurting soul. I believe the hearts of the people on this site want nothing but the best for everyone … and to get us all to that healing place … where we can go on with our lives … walking this path with everyone … all with smiles on our faces and peace in our hearts and souls.
Wini,
I think everyone here has the best intentions, no doubt. And from my own past recent experience I learned that when conflict occurs, we should consider it, shed some light on it. I’d hope no one here should again feel they have to leave and no one should be afraid to be honest. Most people can’t be honest if they think they’re going to be attacked.
Everyone makes mistakes, and they will on here because I think targets of this behavior draw strong personalities not weak ones even though hurting right now. But it shouldn’t be about taking sides, making jabs, pointing out the jabs, or even right or wrong, but about can it be better and being open to looking. Life isn’t always smiles, not even (as we’ve seen) here on LF, and that’s OK, or it should be. Life is about acceptance and compromise. But certainly getting to peace in our hearts and souls is welcome. I think that’s called growth and it should be available to everyone without chasing anyone away.
Benz
i feel like my life is never going to change. im going to this young women, who has no friends, no life and be lonley forever. i feel like im always going to be dealin with this relationship. even though my life is better then it was with him, will i ever stop thinking about him? will i ever stop wondering if he is going to try and contact me? will i ever be free to me without he running thru my mind?. i just feel like im always going to be in this break up state, and never rebuild my life. it makes me sad
Blondie,
It will get better. Healing from a predator takes a lot of time, more so than what you consider a ‘normal’ relationship. With ‘normal’ relationships, we get closure. Even if we each realized it just wasn’t going to work, or the genuine love was no longer present, we can each go our serarate ways and hopefully not harbor resentment and extended emotional pain.
With PDIs we are left wondering, what happened here? Was it me or him? Well, we know the truth of that, dont we?
I think right now you’re in the ruminating stage, being bombarded with not only your Xs deception regarding cheating with other women, but also the initial honeymoon stage where he seemed like such a wonderful guy. I can honestly say that this will pass. I was so depressed when I ended it with my X Music Man that I either slept too much or suffered insomnia for about two weeks. I hardly ate and cried constantly. I just haunted my house wearing the same ole comfy bathrobe day after day.
That depression I felt was part of the natural healing process when grieving. When a relationship ends where you genuinely loved the other person who feel as if you are in mourning. Ten fold when recovering from the predation of a PDI.
Be good to yourself, hon, and realize that you aren’t alone in this struggle.
Lilygirl, I miss you….
‘come back little sheba, come back!’
And I’m sure others here miss you also, such as New world view, Free, etc…
I’ll be thinking ’bout you, sending you and your wonderful little boy positive energy vibes and prayers across the country….:)
blondie,
Sometimes I get people’s stories confused, but I’m thinking you’ve been NC for just a short time.
If so, everything is still so raw. It is brutal. I can barely stand to think of the early days, weeks and even months after my S moved out. At the time, I had had just 2 and a half months of starting to see the truth about him after 18 years of being together and believing he was my soul-mate and very best friend.
For a long time after he left I could think of nothing but him. The only thing that kept me even part-way sane during those days is this website. Every night I would take my laptop to bed and read so I could see the evil he was and be distracted from my pain.
It’s now been just over a year since he left, and even though I am still grieving and even though my life is not what I thought it would be, I recognize I have come a long way.
I still think of him a lot. But far less than I used to. I have big chunks of time now where I think about something or somebody else. I sometimes even laugh! And I know the time will come when I go a full day without thinking about him, and then a week, and then a month, until rare fleeting thoughts will be all that remains.
I have been seeing a therapist who, with imagery and meditative techniques, has had me work on letting him go. Releasing him. Recently I realized I did not want to do that. I was not ready to. If I let him go I would lose my last connection to him, which made me sad to ponder, I loved him so much.
But finally I did, I let him go, at least most of him. I pictured him a big ugly helium balloon that I cut the cord to and he floated off into space. Far, far away so he could no longer contaminate the universe. I cried to see him go, I’m crying now to think of it.
And it makes me sad to think of life without him. My youngest child goes off to college–1,000 miles away–next month and that is reviving the pain. Ripping the scab off. One loss accentuating the other. My daughter’s–OUR daughter’s–leaving was going to be hard for me anyway, empty nest and all, but now I will be completely alone–for the first time in my life except for a few months when I was 19–and I still don’t know how I’m going to do that. At least now I know that somehow I will.
The void was–and still is–enormous. I’ve had to make new connections. I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone, that’s for sure, but now have more friends and people I can just pick up the phone and call than ever before in my life. Things are starting to shift.
A couple of weeks ago I had a revelation–I guess I was ready. Up until then it had seemed as if I could not stop thinking about my S whenever thoughts of him entered my mind. I thought I had to wait passively until thoughts of him left, until I healed enough to think more about other things.
It was as if I had no control over my own thoughts. And while this may sound elementary to others, I suddenly realized that I CAN change my thoughts. What happened was my S–who I never ever thought I would divorce–and I had both signed our settlement agreement. With that, the finality looming, I felt that terrible pain again. I started thinking about him and his new girlfriend again. I started to feel jealous. I thought about him touching her and kissing her and coming home to her and I was hurting more and more.
Suddenly I told myself: No! He is a bad man, he is a sociopath, I am well rid of him, she is not lucky, she is to be pitied, I’m glad he is gone. And I felt a little better. It changed the direction of my thinking. And then I did something, I don’t know what, probably some menial task, to take my mind off him and ever since, whenever I find myself slipping into that pit, I may allow myself a couple of minutes to wallow, but then I tell myself: No! and say thank you God for getting this man out of my life.
i need to make new connections and step out of my comfort zone, but im not ready. some days im so happy he is gone, but some days im still sad. i know he is a sociopath, he is not a good person, he is evil, a fraud, a cheater, a liar, a criminal. i think about all the things he did to me and all the things he says about me, like the fact that he broke up with me, like he didt do anything wrong. he doest want anyone to know what he did wrong. all of those things remind me of how i never want to go back to him or have that type of person in my life!
Gillian, I am hurting so badly I can’t stand it sometimes but determination is something I do have and I pray to God he gives me the strength to never look back at this person. He is evil, just pure dark, black evil and I want to hate him.
sassy sarah I was with my x (P) 3 years. It was a nitemare of emotions. Please read everything you can here. And two books that I ordered online saved my life. (Learning from Madness) and ( From Tears to Healing) by Richard Skerritt. I wont go into detail but I thought I was crazy. His deception and manipulation made me lose my identity, he would leave and then beg to come back. On and on. Your story is so familiar to me. I have been in NC for over 3 months. I am finding myself again. My sanity is back because of this website and my self-education about people with personality disorder’s. I know that I am going to recover from this, but it is a slow recovery. As a dear blogger wrote, you can’t go around the pain, or over it or under it, you have to go through it. Sarah you will be ok I promise. But please realize that there is no going back in any way. No friendship, no enmity, there can be nothing at all. No contact is our only salvation.