When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
newworld view Thank you so much for what you just said. This community helped me survive, I miss ya OXY..
sassysarah,
I’m so sorry you are hurting. Everyone here understands how you feel and has been where you are now. Keep reading and sharing and learning and in time you will get stronger. I know I still sometimes have the urge to call or tm my S husband. Wanted to do so today (but resisted). I wanted to tell him I believed with all my heart the sweet, loving things he wrote on all the sweet, loving cards he gave me and that it hurts so bad to know he doesn’t even want me to know his phone number now or where he lives or his new work schedule. I guess there is still a part of me that can’t quite believe he really doesn’t care. That thinks I can get through to him, somehow make things right. I mean, I believed this man cherished me. It’s a long way to go from there to knowing he’d rather me dead. I still flip back into denial, more like shock I think, sometimes. It’s all so much to absorb.
What they do is the cruelest deception. And they do it without a single thought for how it hurts others. Not one single thought.
Gillian, I know exactly what you are saying. It is the cruelest deception. They do it without a blink of the eye, so convincingly and so honestly. Doesn’t it make you question your very person? To me, I get angry with myself for not knowing way ahead who and what they are. How did they do this to me without my permission? It makes me so angry I could just scream and I do scream!! This realization is so painful!! I want to stop right here but I know I have to go on if I am to ever experience a real person again. I am so afraid.
Gillian,
Seriously, way to go for not tm-ing your S! I know how hard that can be. I can’t tell you how many pages and pages of notebooks I have filled with letters that will never get sent. There’s something about getting it out on paper that helps me. There have been agonizing moments where I just wanted to have someone tie him to a chair and give me all the time I needed to let him know how I felt and what I was going through and what I thought of him. But I knew it would do nothing in the end. It would fall of deaf ears and wouldn’t bring me any real comfort or relief.
What I struggled with for so long was the knowledge that I needed to take the time I spent aiming my feelings towards him via journaling to aiming those words towards myself in love. To stop putting my energy into anything related to him and to start taking care of me. I have struggled and struggled with that for soooo long.
The emotional pain kept me hostage with a mind that just didn’t want to obey. A mind that kept leading back to thoughts and memories of the abuse and the betrayal. It seemed there was no safe place where I would not be triggered. Even when the worst of the pain subsided the anxiety remained and my mind continued on it’s own path. How could he not have loved me? How could he want me dead and treat me like I am an enemy? What did I do? How could I have given so much and without any sane reason be cut off as if I no longer exist? How could he or anyone do that to someone? Lift them up as if they were the most precious thing in their lives, make promises that were never kept and whisper such lies about love and a wonderful future together?
And then it happened…
I don’t know how but in one very precious moment I started to see me. The me before the S, the me now, not the me tied to him in any way. Just me. I started to cry. But for once these were different tears. They weren’t from the pain of what happened to me. No, these tears were for the woman who was deceived, betrayed and abused. I love that woman and I’ve missed her. I cry to think that I ever wanted to end my life and almost succeeded. I cry to think that anyone could ever be so mentally abusive to do the harm that he did to a woman who did nothing to deserve it as none of us has deserved what happened to us.
Today I don’t grive a loss of a relationship built on lies. Today I grieve having ever lost myself. I am remembering me. I am coming alive again and as wonderful as that feels it is full of sadness. In the midst of my tears are hints of laughter. I am awake and free. It’s been so long. But today I look in the mirror and I see ME.
I too went back and forth between denial and shock and back to truth again. For some very wonderful reason I have been coming closer to this place. I plan to unpack now and stay. I have come home.
My prayer is that each one of us on here fights and perseveres until we find our way back to peace and joy. To know without a doubt that what we were/are dealing with are individuals who are exactly what we have come to see them as. No more questions, no more denial, no self-doubts. To know that what we’ve endured has made us stronger, smarter and wiser in the end. That the pain will slowly fade as we emerge from the fog and the dust of confusion settles and we remain in the truth. Not only will we be who we once were before the PDIs but we will be more beautiful than ever embracing life at it’s fullest again.
God bless.
sassysarah,
I can understand your fear and confusion on how you got to this place. I can feel your despair and pain in your posts. My heart goes out to you as I remember being in that place not so long ago. I am glad to see you on here and encourage you to continue to share and ask questions as you feel comfortable doing so.
Please be gentle on yourself for not knowing what you were dealing with before now. None of us did or else we wouldn’t be here. No one is immune to being deceived and caught in the web of a sociopath. Including myself and I’m a mental health therapist. There are many wonderful men and women on here from various backgrounds and with different life experiences and we’re all here for the same reason as you. You are not alone.
I knew virtually nothing before about covert abuse (like gaslighting, etc.) and it took me time and distance from the S to see what happened and how. It took me time to read about sociopathy and understand what it is. There are so many in my field who don’t really know about it nor understand what happens to the victims/survivors. I pray in time that changes.
Recovery and healing is a very personal process. Sharing your story and coming on here is such a positive step in that direction. That says a lot about you and your strengths. I hear the voice of a survivor and fighter in your posts.
As you read I hope you come to understand that what you’re experiencing is a common reaction to what you’ve been through. I encourage you to read about what happens to victims and why we end up in such a confused state reeling in anxiety and often times fighting depression and/or PTSD. Many if not all of us at one point thought we were losing our minds. I know I did. Everyone here has chosen what methods of healing are personally best for them. I am glad to hear that you are spending time reading and learning what you can. You’ve come to a great place as LF has been such a gift to all of us (if I may be so bold to speak for others).
Again, please be gentle on yourself and keep looking forward. No contact (NC) is like a mantra here. Getting distance from the S is part of being able to see the truth and to know that you are NOT crazy. It’s not easy but as Henry said, there’s no way to get rid of the pain but to go through it. In my book, it’s better to go through it then to go back to the S and repeat the same patterns knowing what you’re in for if you do. It is a never-ending cycle. You deserve so much more than that!
Hi guys,
Just again amazed at your stories and how many different kinds of men can be users. I seem to have gotten involved with many different types, but there are some things that I have done which have made it a lot easier for them.
One.. I forgive way too much.
Two.. I believe until given extreme reason not to.
Three.. I am compassionate and loving enough sometimes “for the both of us”, and don’t give myself nearly enough compassion or love.
Four.. I think I need these guys to take care of me, because they pour on the love that I crave, just for a little while, to get me addicted to them.
We are all addicts too, you know, in a way. And we have to learn to control our own denial, fear, and wrong thinking, or the bad people will just keep gravitating to us. Who else would put up with them?
Learningme, wow, I feel for you bigtime. My last relationship was with a man like this, a womanizer who gives and gives, but can’t seem to pick a woman to be faithful to, and always seems angry down inside the the women in his life don’t just accept him the way he is. He has left me hurting like I couldn’t believe. It’s so hard for me to realize I am still vulnerable after all these years, but if I look really hard I realize there WERE clues and red flags, but I just chose to ignore them because I was already hooked on him.
Sassy, you know most of us were rather conditioned in childhood to tolerate too much crap from others. Please don’t beat yourself up over it too much. Just keep moving forward, you already know you don’t deserve the abuse and that you are a really good person. Everyone here is the same kind of human being, good people who get involved with bad ones, for reasons I guess we all gotta learn. Keep your chin up dear, you really do sound like you could be one of those who have it all together in time.
In all these relationships, something very good becomes something very bad. There is an intersection somewhere between the two that we all eventually must consider.
It wasn’t our fault that we loved, we were conned and we didn’t/couldn’t see it. By the time we realized something wasn’t right we’d already given our heart. Our partners didn’t/couldn’t give their heart in return though it appeared they had. We weren’t really loved, we were used. I don’t know of any worse betrayal of trust. The earth falls out from under our feet, our reality is shattered.
First you have to come to grips with discovering that this kind of evil is possible, and from the one who says I will love you forever. Then you must come to realize that you probably can’t help or change this situation or person you love so much, that giving more love can make this person more comfortable, but at what expense to you.
Those are life-altering revelations that are in opposition to everything you have may been taught, seen, felt, or know. It’s no wonder you may want to pull the covers over your head and never come out or that you may commit murder or suicide in your mind over and over. It’s no wonder you don’t have a direction because your directions are no longer reliable.
Direction can be regained in time even though it may not seem so at the lowest point. Everyone here has been there and all are somewhere in the process of climbing back up. As we gain strength, we will eventually want to revisit that intersection. Hopefully if we do our homework we will have gained the wisdom to recognize that intersection, and will be better prepared to recognize a love worth keeping or one we should walk away from or that will be taken from us. That intersection must be self-defined, but I’ve learned solidly placed from within our love for ourselves first and understand that’s not being selfish, and it should not come from outside, externally defined by anyone else’s criteria.
“I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me,” truer words of wisdom were never spoken, from ML.
Benz
A great blog post. I, too, was ripe for the pickings of my ex. He came to me via a dating website at a time when I was down in the dumps about failing to capture the attention of a particular gentleman. (I didn’t know, but he was still dating his girlfriend of two years.) My ex said all the right things, and we were in a Las Vegas chapel within five months. Our three year marriage was emotionally, financially and sexually abusive, and thankfully we didn’t bring any children into the dysfunctional world. He already had kids, two of which were very young and ripe for manipulation… the way he screwed up our stepfamily is another long story. (He was excellent at casting me as the “evil stepmother” to them, while pretending to encourage family unity.)
Since our divorce last year, many revelations have come to me regarding his past and the dishonesty he perpetrated ….including his phony history as a Navy SEAL. But the most important revelation was the fact that I am an ok person, and am much healthier without all the madness he brought to my life. Posters have commented about something good coming from something bad, and that’s true in my case. Although I still bear scars, I’m in better shape financially and emotionally…and in an effort to help others, I’m working on a writing project about my experience.
Beenzthere- you’re right about coming to grips with the possibility of this evil. To realize that someone who claims to love you is capable of this crap is a butt-kicker, and to endure all the judgmental questions like “How could an educated woman get into this situation…..?” was a pain. As far as I’m concerned, personal health is the best revenge against these idiots.
Peace, Melissa
Hello, Sassy,
Your question about the “why”—reminded me about a movie I saw last night. Daniel Day-Lewis starred as a man named Daniel who was an “oil man” back iin 1898 and the movie which was named “There Will be Blood” (which sounds violent but there was by most movie standards little “overt violence”) Daniel was a psychopath and I saw from the first of the movie that he was a psychopath, I am sure most movie goers wouldn’t have though. But because I DID a lot of the “twists” in the movie that might not have made sense to others made sense to ME because I KNEW what the character WAS.
Even when he appeared to do something that was a big “unethical” I knew that it was a LOTmore unethical.
The WHY is “simply because that is what they DO”
Why does a snake slither in the grass? Why does a dog bark? Why is, the sky blue, Mama? It is just the way it is. Psychopaths USE OTHERS, ABUSE OTHERS, and have no conscience about it any more than you have a conscience fit and get a guilt trip for biting into an apple. Only they “bite” our souls, for the same reason you bite the apple, it tastes good.
Why did you allow it? Because you were hooked, just like the rest of us, you trusted, you are capable of love, they are not. Once we have truly been “bitten” though, and seen what kind of “critter” bit us, we can learn from the experience and realize that “not all people are nice” and we can learn to spot the psychopaths by how they behave.
In the past I was very angry at myself for letting it happen to me. I felt stupid and a lot of other ugly words, none of which are TRUE, but I couldn’t imagine WHY I let it happen, more than once anyway, but it was because I DID LOVE and I held on to a “malignant’ hope that they would stop hurting me, or that I could “find the magical word or phrase” to make them want to stop hurting me. Once I gave up that “malignant” hope, and realized that nothing I could do would make them any better at loving or make them stop hurting me, I was able to “break free” and start to heal. Just like cutting out anything “malignant” in our bodies, surgically removing “malignant hope” is also painful as well, but we must do it in order to survive and not let it corrupt our entire beings.
I wasn’t stupid, I was just too kind. I didn’t set enough or strong enough boundaries, so I am having to go back, rethink my boundaries, see what happened, and make sure it never happens again. I’ve been on the “healing road” for quite a while now, but even now, there are pot-holes, and I stumble and skin my knees, but I wouldn’t go back to letting someone abuse me for anything.
BTW Melissa, I think your question about “how could an educted woman get into this situation…?” has a universal appeal for some folks who “don’t get it”—there are a GREAT MANY very well educated folks on this blog and it isn’t about smart or educated, it is about being HUMAN and capable of loving someone else. Peace.