When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
im needing to vent today a lil. yesterday the ex called me 4 times saying he needed to talk to me and tell me something. i never answer nor did i call back. its like what do u have to tell me???? it just gets under my skin, and makes me start thinking about him..ahhhhhh!! this whole being single thing is hard for me. im so used to him being my life for two years, and i sort of feel lost without him. im noticing about myself like how much i want a guys attention, i miss that feeling. im seeing that i need to fill that gap with other things. i need to have close girlfriends inside of male friends or being around males. maybe i haven’t let go of him yet. i also see that i need to have more self love for myself, thats why i was hooked for so long and stayed for so long, i didt love me enough to say i deserve better until it was so sicken that i had to get away.
Hey blondie,
Yeah my ex called and texted me for awhile last year, even after he got the divorce papers. Even after he got involved with new girlfriends, he stole my new # from his g/f’s cell phone and called me “to talk.” Once I realized who it was, I hung up on him. He had nothing new to say except the typical sob story, and I chose not to waste my energy talking to him. It was all designed to direct my attention towards him… he needs admiration or attention at any cost, even if it’s pity. But like you, it ticked me off. It sucked because I STILL let him have enough power to affect me that day. He STILL occupied space in my brain, even if only for a few hours. Since that time, I’ve had to learn to cultivate the idea that my life is about ME now. Not “all about me” in an unhealthy self-involved way, but not more about me rather than pleasing a man… especially a sociopathic man. Best wishes in cultivating more love for yourself!
OxDrover, you’re right. Using and abusing is simply a way of life for these guys, the way they are. Reminds me of a scene from the movie, “The Crying Game,” when Forest Whitaker describes a parable of how a scorpion stung the turtle that rescued it and swam it across the water. When the turtle asks the scorpion why, the reply was simple: “It’s in my nature.” And that’s exactly it… it’s in these guys’ nature to hurt the women in their lives. As you put it, it has nothing to do with our educational level, but it’s in these guys’ nature to prey upon our kindness and exploit it. Take care.
Correction: It was a frog, and not a turtle, that was stung by the scorpion. The frog cried out, “Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion?” and the scorpion replied, “I can’t help it. It’s in my nature.” Oops…my bad. 🙂
Hiya Oxy. Hope all is well with you. Good to see you back posting. Oxy, I have those thoughts too, sometimes, feeling a bit of a twit, but then I realise that in the relationship we had, there were TWO versions of a relationship running. There was my version of how I perform in a relationship, and there was his version, a manipulating controlling one. Of course I came out of it much more hurt than he, but then I have probably learnt much more than he.
Hey I have a situation as well but i’m not sure wat to make of it so far what I read about a sociopath and so far it seem to fit his personality?? if thats wat you call it.
This guy i really loved and I decided to move on cause I couldn’t take it anymore I realize I the one that was feeling sad and not getting respected as should. I never said he loved me , I even remembered him telling me once that he can lie without hesitation or remorse, that he can act what he wants to feel, I never really took into thought about what he said and I guess cause I loved him. He was the one looking me and one holding my hand and telling me i’m unique and such a genuine girl that he doesn’t want to hurt me.
He calls himself “Adonis” if anyone doesn’t know its a greek God one who thinks hes so beautiful among the others, He always tells me he never really have any problems just like set backs and nothing never really bothers him, well anyways I remember before everything started to go bad I would tell him I’m moving on and he always tells me he doesn’t want me to move on and always convincing theres some hope and because of that I always coming back till I realize he wasn’t like how he was before and I couldn’t take anymore.
for certain closer I wanted answers and I asked him if he actually cared for me or just playing me, he said I not gonna get wat i want cause he never loved anyone before and he doesn’t know how it feels and all the time I was talking to him he would have witty comebacks, like as if because I called him out on his bullshit he wanted to have the upper hand ?? well the whole time I was there cryng and hes like he doesn’t know wat it feels like and he had the vague stare, he said that we can go back being friends, he wants us to be friends and because he was my first and I loved him I agreed.
After that I heard He was dealing with this girl who I knew and we were all friends and I remember asking him about her and he said they’re just friends, even and incident came up with the same girl and he told me he never done anything with her and now as soon as I am out of the picture i hear they’re together because of that I decided to cut him off, but his bro and I are friends so I see him sometimes and every time I go out I realize he keeps staring at me or walks past me he tries to touch my hand or something and I just ignore him all the time.
And then he came on online one day and said I telling our friends lie that we weren’t together and that i’m trying to make him look bad, n’ i can dream the fuck on i will never be his gf and I was laughing most the time cause he was raving n’ ranting cause I know i’m not a liar.
With all of that said I’m new here and reading all about sociopaths n’ all I want to know if his actions were of one, cause I kept thinking I was played and maybe its my fault or something or probably I read too much into his actions ?? i don’t know can someone help me ?
Oxy!! Bev!!
Did you lovely ladies read my comment over yonder? I was sooo serious, you will not believe it…haha.
I am so heartened to see you gals back and posting. You both have ginormous hearts and you just can’t deny the fact that it’s in your blood, the very essence of who you are to lend a helping held, shoulder to cry on, a loving hug for those who are hurting so very much.
Oh, OxD, I watched ‘There will be blood’ about 4 months ago. Brilliant film and brilliant acting by Daniel Day Lewis. He is one of the finest actors of all time, along side Alec Guinness, Forrest Whittaker, Cate Blanchett, Judi Dench, Peter O’Toole, and so many true thespians to list that I would cause this blog to deviate drastically towards movie discussions instead of what is truly important…healing and recovery from predators.
What I didn’t understand in that film is the seemed genuine love and concern he had for his adopted son. Did he love him or was he only a tool to be used to seduce people into throwing in with his schemes? I’m still pondering that exceptional film even to this day. The musical score was astounding as well. I’ve got it saved in my shopping basket on Amazon.
Hey gang, as Wini says, there are lots of ‘surface dwellers’ out there. I am an avid people watcher and I ‘see’ the ones who remain invisible to lots of other people, those non descript people who have a silent darkness around them and who wouldnt be noticed by many others. But on a beautiful sunny day, they still have their dark clouds hanging about them!
DEar Jane,
The Daniel character–remember when he took the kid on the train and lied to him, leaving him alone on the train? No parent would have done that to a child that they loved.
As Daniel explained to the grown son “I just took you for a cute face for a cover” I think that was the thing there, he “owned” this kid. He didn’t love him, he was nice to him, talked to him, etc. as long as it suited his purpose.
I think the character’s portrayal of a LONELY P is good too. When he found out that the man pretending to be his brother wasn’t his brother, he was ANGRY that he had no one to “belong to him” someone he could manipulate and look down on (the “brother” was a failure compared to him) Etc.
And the “success” he had—the big house and all the money, and still he drank himself into a stuppor every night. ALONE. He couldn’t love, yet I think he FELT BETRAYED because no one loved him.
While yes, the movie was brillianly done, music score, etc. I think the STORY of a psychopath was OUTSTANDING. I wish I could have watached it with several other people who didn’t get what a P is and got their comments. I can see many places though where someone who didn’t get it would not know WHY he did the things he did.
Him pretending to “get the faith” I think was a brilliant part of the plot too. HOW MANY Ps do you know who CLAIM religious belief to further their careers or whatever they are after? Of course, many. It is a great cloak to hide behind.
Of course, the “fake prophet” was another great P part in it too. I figured him out when he beat up his father for being “stupid.”
Daniel’s character not paying the prophet his $5000 wouldn’t make any sense either unless you knew what a P was. WHY didn’t he pay him? Of course because he knew he was another P and he hated him. That’s just the way they are. LOL
To me, I think that ought to be “required” watching for people who don’t know what a P is. I’m letting Wini rub off on me now and wanting to MAKE people watch or read something outstanding! LOL That movie has so many P themes in it and so many subtle and not-so-subtle P characters in it that it really is an education in psychopaths “uncloaked.”
Of course lots of not so brilliant movies have “bad guys” that are Ps, but this one seemed to be written by someone who DOES get the difference in a sharp, ruthless P and just some dumb brute P “bad guy.”
JaneS, I know you are serious!! If you want to, email Donna for my email address, I do put in cryptic clues now and again, bt I dont think people get them. It is a shame we all live such far distances. Its like being in a big dark room, with lots of people all talking and not being able to see faces.
Bev,
So, you DO get how serious I am…haha.
Cryptic clues? Are we playing a mystery solving puzzle game, ’cause those are my favorites! But I get first dibs being Sherlock Holmes, all right? (im a nerd..haha)
And yeah, I would most humbly appreciate receiving your email addy as you can be assured I am a 100% bona-fide, normal mentally healthy female except I can be a complete loon from time to time. My threshold for embarrassment is set in the negative digits as it’s a little difficult to be conceited while tripping/falling in front of the general masses….on a daily basis, I might add. 🙂
So, I just send Donna a request for your email addy? How does it work?