There was a time when all I felt grateful for was the absence of his voice, for just an hour or two from the phone.
There was a time when what I was most grateful for was knowing he was somewhere else, somewhere where I wasn’t.
There was a time when I was grateful not to think of him, for just a moment, or an hour, maybe even, if I was really strong, for half a day.
There was a time.
And now, the times have changed. The times have shifted, the sands have fallen differently, ever changing, in the hour glass of the passing of the time when he was all I thought of, all I saw, all I believed I would ever live with in my life.
The times they have changed.
Today I gave a presentation to a group of about 50 people on how to make a difference — in your life, in the life of your community, in this city, in the world. My presentation as on behalf of The United Way, an agency that helped me get counselling when I first was released from the hell of that relationship that almost killed me.
I am grateful, I told the audience, for the support of The United Way because, they, along with my friends and family who stood by me, gave me the tools and the help I needed to start rebuilding my life. To start reclaiming all that was lost and so much more.
That’s the thing about a relationship with a psychopath/sociopath. The relationship leaves you drained — of all resources, of all energy, of all sense of self. We survived their passing through our lives and in the end, we wonder, will we ever breathe freely again? Will we ever feel like ourselves again? Will we ever trust, love, give our hearts again?
Recently, I was teaching a self-esteem course at the homeless shelter where I work. I asked the students, what are you grateful for? One man, about thirty years old, answered. I’m grateful for going to jail. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Because of being imprisoned, I got sober. And that’s how I want to live the rest of my life.
The conman experience was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. Sure, going through that journey was hell. I despaired that I would survive. I’m lucky I did. But, in having come out of the other side, I know, without a doubt, that that encounter freed me from my self-limiting beliefs that were keeping me from living the life of my dreams. That relationship forced me to look at myself and claim — I deserve all the world has to offer. I deserve to be free.
These relationships are hell. They test us. Try us. Destroy our belief in ourselves. Destroy our faith in humanity. And in the end, they leave us looking for a miracle, trying to find ourselves beneath the painful memories that keep us stuck in believing, we will never be free.
It’s all in our perspective.
We can look at their passing through our lives as the worst thing that ever happened to us — or we can look at their passing through our lives as the most astonishing thing that ever happened to us. We can find the value in their passing through or we can stay stuck in believing they were all we are worth. We can dig into the dirt of the turmoil, the angst, and the pain they dumped upon us and wallow in its weight, or we can dig out from beneath the dirt and claim our right to stand, fully illuminated in the sun of our new day dawning upon the truth of who we are when we choose to live up to our highest good, freed from the belief we are not good enough, not well enough, not enough.
We are enough. Just the way we are. We give enough. Do enough. Are enough.
Coming through the hell of that relationship I have had enough of living small, of living under the lies of someone else’s disorderly conduct. I have had enough of being who someone else tells me I must be. I have had enough.
Freed from believing someone else had the right to determine my worth, I claim my right to live up to my true value. I claim my right to determine my worth by every word, every deed, every action I take today.
I am not the woman who was abused.
I am a woman who has claimed her right to live freely in the rapture of now. I am a woman who claims her right to be all she is meant to be when she ‘turns up, pays attention, speaks her truth and stays unattached to the outcome.’ I am a Woman of Worth. A real WoW!
You are too.
If you feel less than, other than, bothered by or determined by his insistence that your only value is based upon what you give him or bring to him or what he gives you or says you are, shake yourself free. Give yourself the gift of knowing — he is just a conman, or conwoman. Their only purpose in life is to live off the well-meaning intentions of those around them. Their only purpose is to find their value in the devastation they cause in the world around them.
You are better than that. More than he could ever imagine.
Shake yourself free of believing he was the ‘worst’ thing that ever happened to you and embrace the reality of his passing through your life — you are free. In freedom, you can make choices that support you, nurture you and celebrate your magnificence.
Don’t let one man take the present of you and turn it into a burden for years to come.
Give yourself the gift of freedom. Acknowledge the gift of wisdom that comes with having lived through the experience of a conman in your life. Gift yourself the knowing — you are more than he could ever have imagined. You are more than you ever dreamed of. You are free to be your most amazing self because he is gone and you have nothing more to hold onto. The beauty of holding onto nothing is — you have nothing to lose. And with nothing to lose you are free to be your most incredible, amazing, magnificent self. Holding onto nothing, no one can take your most amazing self away from you.
Live it up. Live it free. Shift your anger and regret to gratitude and Live your best life yet!
I am!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May your life be filled with abundance, love and joy.
Louise, you are definitely WOW! Thank you for another inspiring article! I’m so grateful that I have had the opportunity to read your articles! They always inspire me to be the best that I can be!
Thank you again! What a wonderful way to spend this day of THANKSGIVING, being grateful for all you have experienced, all that you are! (((hugs)))) and God bless!
Hello OxDrover!
Happy Thanksgiving to you! I am grateful for your light on my path too. When I read your words I feel your illumination brightening up my day — I feel connected.
Thank you for sharing your light so generously. When we stand together, we light up the world with love, hope and joy!
Hugs
Louise
My dream for some months now has been to have a LoveFraud gathering where we can all have a huge group hug and some uplifting programs.
I see the difficulties in such a gathering though, as so many victims are financially tapped out by their experiences and it would be next to impossible for them to attend for that reason alone, with the travel and other expenses. So for the time being I know that our “gatherings” and sharings are limited to cyberspace, but though it may not be ideal in “cyberspace” at least there is more connection than the usual “cyberspace” group. There is connection of souls here, of gentuine caring, genuine sharing, and a fertile soil for growth.
As Jesus pointed out in His parable of the “sower,” the “seed” (knowledge) for growth is sown, and some of it falls on poor soil and never sprouts, or is “eaten by the birds,” or spouts up quickly, but soon dies for lack of nourishment, but some of it does GROW and flourish and produce a bountiful harvest of goodness which in its own turn, spreads more seed for more growth.
I see LoveFraud and the people here as “gardeners” cultivating that seed and the harvest of love, growth, and ultimately peace and joy is blooming here. I am so grateful that Donna has supplied such a wonderful place for the seeds of peace to be sown, for the individuals who find their way to this place can grown, and in turn contribute to more seeds being sewn in other places. Thank you for your unending contributions to the nourishment of the crops producing peace and joy, and by your wonderful living example for us all. (((hugs)))) and God bless you!
M.L.:
I hope some day I can say that growing up in an abusive family is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. All I feel right now is a lot of anger. And I’m grateful to at least feel the anger for a change. I still don’t understand what meaning this could have in a middle-aged person’s life–to realize you cannot fully thrive because you are still in survival mode. But one thing I know is that when I feel better, I will live my life and not look back. I may write a book about my experiences.
Louise,
Your words always speak to me. Today, I’m am grateful that he is gone, but I am still so hurt and angry for what he did to me. Last night was a rough night for me. My sister and her fiance are in town and he is a muscian, and they went out last night after dinner for the show he was performing. I just felt so left out, because I knew my ex was going to be there, because he’s also a muscian. I knew I couldn’t go because it was a given that my ex was going to be there, and it just sucks that he gets to continue living the life that we once enjoyed together, and I sat at home. Being alone on Thanksgiving, it’s hard not to feel sorry for yourself or be upset. My world has done a 180 since we’ve not been together, so I’m still in this transititon phase and it SUCKS!! For the last 4 years, it had been our tradition to have dinner on Thanksgiving and then go out and celebrate with our friends, and this is one more thing that he’s taken away from me. I know I shouldn’t worry about what he’s doing, or who he’s with now, but it’s hard because I feel like he’s moved on so easily and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces. So I’m am thankful that I have a great family and friends, but I’m still so sad. And in a few days, Dec. 1st, is the anniversary of the abortion he made me get, so I wouldn’t ruin HIS life because how would he explain that to his wife and kids?? Just one more scar that he’s left me with that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. So this time of year isn’t so easy for me. Right now I just feel numb. But your words inspire me. I want to be in that place where I can look at this and find positive in it, but right now, this week, I’m really struggling.
I came to this site in hope that I might find an answer to what I am going through. I see that many people have faced similar scenarios in their lives and I would like to share my story and see what people think.
Well, I have known this guy for about six years now. I met him at school when I was just beginning college. He was asking about marriage but in the beginning I said to him that I wanted to wait to get married because I thought it was important to finish up school first. I thought that at least if anything happens in the future (divorce etc.) I could at least have something to fall back on and earn a living. I thought that he was fine with this. He never came empty handed. When we went out together he would pay for our meals and he always had a small gift (i.e. flowers, chocolate ) I am a very religious girl and I do not know how I let this happen to me but I will have to admit because I do not want to leave any details out of this story I am a very religious girl believing that you should wait until marriage before becoming involved sexually. I do not know it just felt natural and I allowed myself to become involved that way with him. Not all the way however.
Well, anyhow, about a year into the relationship I started asking when he would come to meet my parents. I was ready to get this in the open. And, he said to me “you cannot do everything.
you will not be able to manage all of the bills.” So, I said “I understand but I will be becoming a nurse and whatever you make we can put two and two together and I think we could make it.” He responded, “you have never had a real job before, you do not know what it is like out there. you cannot manage on your salary alone.” So, I said ok.
This is when he brought in the fact that he had run into financial problems. And, at this time I really had no money to help him. But, he said to me look if you cannot help me it is ok”I just will have to move back to my country and see what I can do. And, I said if you go back then I will never be able to see you again. He said well what else can I do. So, I took out a small loan to help him. Being in love with him I helped him out. I did not want to lose him.
As more time is going on”I am near now to finish school. He mentions that there is a business opportunity that he sees he stands a chance at. So, I said go for it if you believe its a possibility. Well, he asks me to help to pay for the security deposit on an apartment. The apartment was to be close to a mall where the business was to be set up. And too, I helped him with what he said would be for the application fees of setting up the business. Anyhow, he told me “thank you so much for your patience with me”.all your help”I am sending all the documents the business is asking for etc etc.” As time goes by I said so how is the business going. And he said to me—It was more work than I thought it would be so I could not go through with it. Living four hours away the setting up of it was too much.”
So, anyhow I said ok. Things happen. We continue to spend time together. And then, he said to me look regardless of what happened I am willing to move down here by you and work two or three jobs if I have to to make this work. He said I would listen to you if you have any suggestions. I said what about school”the medical field is a good field to get into because you are guaranteed to always have a job. And he said, yeah but that would be like starting all over. I do not have the sciences for it. So, I said well what do you want to do.
He said he had become aware of another business opportunity that he really wanted to pursue. And, when he gets it set up he would be able to go to school at the same time by doing online classes. So, I said go for it. I really helped him a llllooot getting this business started because he showed me the documents involved and because he sounded like he knew a lot about business. He told me about how he used to work for a restaurant and he was in charge of running it etc. He would correct other employees telling them how things should be done the right way. So, I ended up investing a lot into getting him started.
As time is going by he said to me he wanted to get back into school. So, I invested in a semester of school for him. When I would ask about how school was going he told me “school sucks” So, I said “well, how is it going are you at least passing” He said, its just difficult being by himself and having to work and the travel back and forth from where he lives and here.” He said to me after the term ended that he just could not continue with that right now.
He asked me if I remembered about the business he was trying to set up. I said,”yeah ofcourse.” He said well, I am still trying to work on that. And, he asked me for more assistance. So, I helped him some more.
Well, then comes August of this year. I went out with him. We ate together. Then we went walking in the mall. And, I wasnt seeing him mentioning anything about where we were headed as a couple or when he would come to meet my parents. So, I said,” soo whats your plans” Because for months I had been asking him the same thing and he would say to me “dont worry i have plans ; ). He responded at the mall” do not worry you have surprises coming soon.” So, in my mind I said finally ! Well, we are walking in the mall and hes walking over to things and saying “doesnt that look like a nice family gift.” And, I said, “I wouldnt tell you what to bring over when you come.” I felt awkward to ask anyone for a gift.
Well, that day ended. And, I thought ok soon somethings going to happen. He is coming soon to propose.
Well, then I went a period of 3 months exactly without hearing from him at all. And, during that time i was worried sick thinking omg what if hes sick or something happened to him. I called him maybe ten times a day. I even asked his friends online if theyve heard from him. And, the first time i asked they said all they know is that he loves me. To which I said, “how do you know that” And they said he used to talk about you a lot.” Apparently these were his roommates from the beginning of the relationship but he had moved out. They were the only people i knew that knew him.
Well”..finally I get a call from him. He apologized for not being able to get in contact saying its because he was going through family issues. He brought his mom all the way here to meet my family. And, in the flight she got sick ending up in the hospital. So, I said oh no, “can i come down and see her” Then I thought you know what maybe i shouldnt because if I get into an accident on the way there or lost or whatever. So, I said, when shes stable why dont you come down. Its been a while since I have seen you.
Well, when he comes down”I felt like it had been forever. I was so happy to see him and at the same time so anxious to know what our plans were. So, I said sooo when you going to come meet my parents they have been begging me to invite you over. And, his face went blank. He said,” you always bring this up. we have gone over this a million times. i do not even feel like eating right now. i want to go home.” So, I said forget i mentioned it”let us go inside and get something to eat.
While we are eating I said to him “hows your mom” He said she was doing better. And then I said well how does she feel about us. He said well”shes a little skeptical becuase you are of a different race than me. So, that stuck me through the heart. And I said”so how do you feel though. And, he said his feelings had not changed so I felt a little better. I even mentioned you know if you asked me to marry you tomorrow I would put my masters aside bc thats not important to me as getting married and starting my life. And he responded ,”well thats not how it was when you wanted to do your bachelors.” Well, it was time to go. And, he said if i could stay longer and I said no i have to get back home buuuuut if you would like to come home wiht me my parents would be excited to meet you and you could stay whole evenign with us and then go home.
He said , “are you serious ?!” I said, yes. He said “well, i would love to but this is not the right time. i am not even dressed.”
So I said ok. And he then asked me to see me the following day. I said I couldnt buut I could see him the day after that. So, he stayed here in a hotel until i could see him. And, I did.
Well, on that day upon arriving to see him he looked verrrry down and he was looking at his phone. I approached him and said whats wrong ? He said his mom was calling him on the phone asking him where he had been. And because she was sick he felt bad for not going back and making sure shes ok rather than overnighting. So, I said “oh, but do you have to go back right away” He said, no.
Then he said,” you know ”the only way i see out of this is to move permanently by you interact wiht family more so that they know me for who i am and then ask for your hand. I am too far away and because they knew already of some of the money that you had lent me i already look bad. So, I said that would be great. I could see you more often. He said , “well would you be willing to help me. I said , “how much he would need.” He told me a large sum. So , I said wow in my mind. And, I said, well you know i work hard for my money. I definitely could not give that to you at one time. Little by little maybe. He said to me think about it.
Well, anyhow”.we spend day together. I just could think to ask about things. And, he said i was making my time with him depressing. All I am doing is worrying now when he comes to see me. As the day was ending he was like…is it in ur personality to be a worrier..is it ur subconscious coming out..are you being coached to ask all of these questions
Anyhow, parents got involved and asked me to put him on phone the following day after seeing him. They talked to him nicely and said”you know our daughter loves you very much talks about you all the time”when would you be interested in coming to meet us. And, he said he was going through a lot right now and did not know when. So, then they asked for a rough time frame. Anyhow, he said he is not sure exactly.
I felt bad i put him on the spot. He said to me “you deceived me you tricked me. now i do not even know who is calling me, . on and on i couldnt get to talk to him..finally he said call.
So, I said I am very sorry they just wanted to talk to you to invite you over nothing more. And he said next time i lie to him that i should not even think to talk to him anymore. Well, then he said you know if i considered helping him. He thought that that was our plan. I said, I will see what I can do. I began to help him.
He said to me, “if you cannot get it to me all in cash if i had anything valuable then anything woudl help.” “those things can always be replaced. Well, I gave him some of my jewelry. (when i had seen him before those three months he had looked really happy really good and this time he looked like really depressed and stressed) After I gave that then I thought back you know this is really too much from me.
My parents actually got involved and said you know what you should not give him any more help. They didnt know of the recent money he asked for. And i said you know what “I cannot help you anymore. If my parents knew about this this would really make you look bad in front of their eyes” he responded, ” you never listen to what i tell you..you always do what your parents say. you are an adult you do not have to do what they tell you to do.”
All in the middle of this another guy had shown interest. Which I told him about to make it be known to him its all more a reason that he needs to come and meet them. I said I do not have any interests in this other guy. He is the only one i have loved and will only love. And he responded..”i know what youre going to do you will end up marrying that other guy just bc your parents told you to. ” “they do not respect your choice you have made. and the reason they put me on the phone was to judge me within just five minutes that I was no good for you so that you would marry the other guy”
I said this is not true i love you and only you. He said, “its not about that. at this point we both understand that. its about getting there.”
well, then after all of this i am on the phone one day wiht a friend and i get a text “how are you” i couldnt respond right away. in the middle of the call i got about twelve texts, “100, 90,”..etc. like a countdown.” and after the call i said, “i’m ok” even though i was feeling very down. and he said,”is that all i get after worrying about you you respond after an hour and i said i answered you as soon as i could i was on the phone.
the next day he said, “how are you in a text.” and i said im doing alright how are you and he said feeling he was alright. i called him because i wanted to actually talk to him not just text. And we talked normal. well, i was at work and i said you know i gotta go. And, when i am back to work he called me about six times. and i couldnt answer. so, when i got chance to call back, 15 minutes later he wouldnt answer. and i said in a text, i am trying to call you back. and he said, oh excuse, me you did the same thing. so, i said, i’m sorry i had to get back to work.
tried to call him anytime throughout work that i could but he wouldnt answer.
well, anyhow my parents left him a message only saying that he took a lot of advantage on me and if he was man enough he would call back and apologize nothing more and he texted me back saying, “that they left him so many insults..and that the accusations are unfair and offensive.”
And so i responded feeling bad”i said they just never got to know you”.and he said then its not fair to judge someone without knowing them first. “he just feels very hurt from the messages and is feeling sad. And said to me..look if other guys would have even gone as far as trying to take advantage of you and i do not know bc i havent been with enough guys to know…but he never did bc he respected himself always when he didnt..that he said showed me that he deeply cared for me…and pointed out the fact that for the longest time i didnt even want to get too close to him in public and he felt like i was embarassed to be around him..but i explained to him i was never embarassed of him its just bc i didnt want anyone to scandal my name since i was not yet engaged to him or married
Dear Jessica,
This man is a con man, he is using you. I think you posted her once before this story, and it is so similar to so many of us, they tell us they love you, but it is all a lie, just for sex or money or both. I am sorry that this man tricked you, but in the end, it can be a good thing, because you can learn from this and protect yourself from liars in the future.
I suggest that you stay here and read and learn. because the more we know the more power we have to protect ourselves.
God bless you, read and learn. Knowledge is power, and you can take back your power of your heart from this man.
What a wonderful article! It puts into words all that can be, and is, ours. Thank you so much for this. We are ENTITLED to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It is our right. Anyone who has spent any time with a P/N/A knows the first belief they steal from us is that very one. The minute I started seeing through the haze of his lies and illusions, I came to understand that he was just a game and that was all he knew how to play. He neither cared nor even understood the depths of life and the happiness that comes with just being ourselves, who and what we are at this very moment.
amber, the reason they are able to pick up the pieces, at least in what I’ve observed, is because it’s this very depth of emotion that they lack. All of those people will see his reality at some point and even if they don’t, you at least have your freedom back to FEEL like you do without anyone criticizing it. I can certainly relate to what you feel. Yesterday, my Path was actually at dinner because a large part of my family has been played by him. I handled this by staying in another room (there were over 30 people there) and sitting with those I know and trust. I only went so my 10 yrs. old son could be with family on a holiday. I had dreaded this day, but I did learn something. I could hear his voice and his BS and it didn’t affect me as it once had. I had a chance to practice indifference, so all in all, it turned out to be an OK experience for me. It’s NOT fair that they get away with this,but I DO believe their days will come and even it I don’t see it, I know it will happen. My wish is that I’m so far beyond this, I won’t care a but, WE ultimately win; our freedom, our serenity and peace of mind, our right to just be.
I still deal with those “times” that Louise so wonderfully described, but today is SO much better. Freedom begins within ones’ own heart, soul and mind.
Hope everyone had a great holiday!
Hugs, Cat
Dear Jessica,
I read your story before and Ox is right. This person is just another con artist. Just look at how he twisted the story about your parents disliking him, yet he set it up for that very thing to happen so that he could look like the victim. This is one of the things they do best; wreak havoc, mess with others’ heads and hearts and then turn it all around. I can’t tell you how much LF has helped me in such a short amount of time. I read and read on here and it’s such a gift to know I’m not alone. I know this site was started because someone was so horribly used by one of these A/P/N’s but I thank her as well for turning tragedy into a healing tool for all of us.
Bless you, Cat
Thank you very much for your advise Cat and OxDrover. Your words are comforting to me especially since this story happened so recently. It was a blessing that I came across this site where I could actually get to talk to people who endured the same things in their life. I kept turning over and over in my head as I read first on here the characteristics of the conartist and thought omg ok all of these sound true…but then I began to think….oh no I couldnt have met someone like this ! Bc most recently this guy has said to me…why dont you tell your parents that you want to wait another six months more to get married which would give them time to calm down and him to approach them in a better mood..and hes been texting me happy holidays and hope you have a nice thanksgiving like all is well again