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Sociopaths exploiting your faith

Sociopaths as much as anything exploit your faith in them”¦over and over again.

In many ways this captures the essence of sociopathy in particular, and exploitation in general: The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.

The more seriously you take him, the more you are vulnerable; the more vulnerable you are, the more the exploiter is licking his chops.

And so the sociopath, or any exploiter, wants you to take him seriously! Indeed it’s his modus operandi to accumulate currency and credibility with you—the more the better, as this better ripens you, better fattens you, for the payoff he’s chasing.

Not all exploiters “get off’ on the suffering you’ll incur arising from their exploitation. Sadistic ones will; they’ll derive a portion of their satisfaction, if not their motivation to exploit, from your pain.

But more often the sociopath is flatly uninterested in your “expense.” He neither relishes, nor regrets, it deeply. What interests him, again, is his payoff; his prospective gain, not your loss, concerns him principally.

And so a core aspect of exploitation lies in the exploiter’s purposeful grooming of the faith of his victims, only then to purposely betray that faith.

And in cases of sociopathy there is the additional heartless indifference to the victim’s experience of that betrayal. Indeed, one measure of the depth of his heartlessness and audacity is the sociopath’s tendency to repeat this cycle regularly, abusing old and perhaps fresh victims.

When you think about it, what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.

We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets.

And so it’s no big accomplishment to exploit others. Sociopaths and all exploiters are going after something that’s as easily coaxed as it ought to be honored and safeguarded—our faith.

(My use of “he” in this article was strictly for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)


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131 Comments on "Sociopaths exploiting your faith"

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Thank you Steve, you hit the nail right on the head!

Wow! So true!!! The S that duped me so obviously used this tactic. So obviously, I must have been incredibly weak in my faith in myself to not notice!

When I’d have doubts in him, he’d retort with accusations of broken faith. Not due to trust he violated but due to some fundamental flaw in my own faith mechanisms. When I finally accepted him for what he was, I realized that my faith mechanism in others wasn’t weak, it was too strong; built on blindness without regard to legitimate input from my experiences.

Thanks for the article. It touches home…not only in how exploiting faith was how I was hooked…but in his repetitive patterns with his other past, current and I’m certain future victims.

Namaste

Duped

Retract “blindness” in the second paragraph of my last post and replace with “hope”.

Faith and hope are symbiotic. They both depend on each other to survive.

It takes great strength to have hope….an attribute that a P/S is void of. This is something I believe some of them envy and why they exploit it. It’s a power they do not have. So, they try to take it from us or pollute it, vicariously making them feel powerful.

Great Article Steve, and “faith” can be in so many things, from faith in ourselves to faith in our God, faith in the good of humanity, etc. Yes, they use our faith EVERYTHING to exploit us.

My ex-husband thanked me for believing in him, while he was ripping me off.

Churches are choice hunting territory for cluster Bs. The best thing to do is avoid the disordered members like the plague. Eventually they’ll exhibit enough of their true colors for the rest of the flock to figure it out.

If the cluster B commits an actual crime, report that crime directly to the civil authorities. Be prepared to leave the church. You’ll probably be driven out eventually, particularly if the cluster B suspects you’re on to him/her.

Bang on once again Dr. Steve. I think the concept of the exploitation of our “faith” can also be applied to the bigger sociopathic actors out here, the corporate sociopathic form, and politicians to boot. If the shoe fits…

Dear EC,

Have missed you, glad you are still here! You are so right on. The cult leaders of some organizations are so scary! Remember that tony Alamo cult that I notified Donna about here in Arkansas? That guy is finally in prison but it took authorities years, almost a decade, to get him nailed down and convicted.

Many others are less newsworthy, but no less damaging to the people who are conned out of their money and their faith miss used.

Steve, WOW! and thank you!
My ex Spath did care one way or the other what this did to me. He only cared in what he could get out of me, be it money, prestige. or a “fake faith”, as I’ve come to call it. He looked good and pretended to BE good, but it was all a cover.
The day came when I told him I had no faith in him at all; that he would forever be the liar and thief that he is and nothing would change that. His reaction was “hurt” and outrage. How could I be so cruel? I was the ONLY person who had ever believed in him and now I was taking that away from him. No mention here of what he had stolen from me.
Faith in oneself, God and others is paramount to living a good life. I had lost mine in all of this. When I finally reclaimed it, I saw him for what he really was. It was a “freedom” moment.
anitasee and duped…i agree completely.
I will read and re-read what you have written. It strikes a huge chord with me.
Hugs,
Cat

Steve:
Thanks for this contribution!
So very true…..
The S used to say to me…..You don’t trust me…..and I would respond…..NO….I don’t.

I never trusted him or ever had faith in him…..in 28 years…..but I did try to convince myself at times (like childbirth) that we were ‘partners’….he loved this…..
I wanted to trust him so badly, like all of us…..we were searching for the loving trusting relationship we could enjoy security with…….and have faith in.
But never did!
Thanks again Steve……

Steve,

Your article offers an explanation of two things he said repeatedly :

When asked by others how many times he thought he could leave our home and still be able to get back in the door he answered –

” Don’t worry . She loves me so much she will always take me back .”

He had such confidence that my faith in him was so strong I would continue to believe his lies.

When I asked him if he ever imagined how his life would be without me and how would feel if I never spoke to him again – he glibly said :

” I can’t imagine never talking to you again. We’ve been together 22 years. Why would you not talk to me ?
It will NEVER be over between us until one of us is dead !!!!”

I think even today, he likely believes I still would have enough faith in him and his words to BELIEVE and get his foot in the door without much effort.

As you say – with no thought of the pain he has wrought and the losses suffered. Obilvious !!!

Thanks, Steve – for the clear vision you give of what we are up against……

Dear Newlife,

I am so glad that you are seeing what he is all about—how narcissistic and entitled he must feel to think he will get back in again! I’m glad you are stronger and no longer blind to what he is! GOOD FOR YOU! Your post made me so glad for you! (((hugs))))

Dear OxDrover,

“The cult leaders of some organizations are so scary!”

Yep, they are. It seems like every other “Buy-bull Believin” pastor out there is striving to become the head of his church. A hand full have the talent and charisma to pull that off, the rest just lead small, bumbling toxic groups.

I don’t think leaders are the whole problem. From what I’ve seen there are a lot of bored cluster Bs who come to church after a dull workweek for a bit of excitement. They create all manner of highly dramatic scenes at church, because the financial fall-out from their zany church behavior is insignificant. Their spouse may have told them “No more [email protected]! I mean it this time!” Their employer may not have much of a sense of humor either. The church, on the other hand, is obliged by the nature of the organization to be “understanding”.

I didn’t get real peace until I started to duck the Histrionics and Borderlines as well as the Sociopaths and Narcissists. The whole bunch of ’em tend to “cluster” around each other anyway, (pun intended), so avoidance is simple.

A Borderline or Histrionic in her “sweet” persona can be so charming. You can usually detect them because they generally are complaining about a long list of ills and slights against them. Practically everyone has done them wrong! Major red flag there. She’ll be complaining about you next week, usually to the very people she’s telling you have wronged her! Amazingly, she’ll be believed. Her thespian skills are always top notch.

Just avoid the whole lot of cluster Bs. There are plenty of people who go to church for worship and respite. They’re not all fruit loops!

Dear EC,

Yea, I think you are right, and because the church has to be “forgiving” of those that “fall” they are perfect foils for the cluster Bs, you are soooo right.

The thing is though, churches didn’t use to put up with that [email protected], and would “disfellowship” someone who continued in that unrepentent behavior. Now, it seems that churches are social organizations which no longer sanction CONTINUED bad behavior, including GOSSIP, adultery, drunkeness, and trouble making. The Bible itself says that these should not be tolerated in the church membership, but I think if the “pastors” (supposedly shepherds to LEAD and PROTECT a “flock”) are too afraid of offending a financial contributor in sanctioning bad behavior or in trying to LEAD one of their flock away from bad behavior.

St. Paul didn’t seem afraid to confront this type of bad behavior or to preach against it, but on the other hand, he worked as a tent maker to support himself and didn’t take money from the churches or membership for his support. I don’t have any problem with a minister taking a salary, but I think too many times they curry the gossips and the cluster Bs (who just love this kind of currying by the mnister) rather than take a chance on the cluster Bs witholding contributions. Just my opinion.

But many organizations that have charitable purposes have this same kind of disruptive group of people, whether it is churches or candy stripers, there are always people who try to stir up DRAMA for their own pleasure and entertainment. Heck, many business organizations have employees that do the same thing, much to the frustration of other employees and the business itself.

It is difficult to stay out of the DRAMA no matter where you are or what organization you are involved with. I think it behooves us however, to do the best we can to avoid that DRAMA. Makes life so much more simple and peaceful when we do.

Perfect again Steve!

Faith is a great word to use.

Thanks for qualifying that the sadistic ones WILL take pleasure in your heart. I saw that, very clearly. Yet, it was just frosting on the cake, even to a sadistic one. The main focus is truly what they get. Victims really don’t matter.

Even know, I sometimes have to shake myself. I will still automatically start to make excuses for the S/P/N/Bad-Man if I happen to let my mind drift to the past. It is just so frickin’ hard to keep in mind how DIFFERENT they are !

So many sentences in your post carry so much weight. I like the use of bold. That helps people “get it” …that you are not just careless using words, but using them very precisely and if you don’t pay attention to the precision, you miss much of the meaning.

I meant take pleasure in your HURT!

ouch.

newlife: i was with ‘mine’ for over 20 years too. he would always say, ”no matter what happens, i know you’ll always be in my life.” i would tell him, ”uh, no, there are things you could do that would definitely make me never talk to you again.” i outlined them for him. he would ask sometimes, ”if i did _______________, would you leave me?”
then, in the end, he did EVERY SINGLE THING that i had told him would make me leave him. and i have never spoken to him again.
even though some of his last words to me (after i threw him out) were: ”i’ll ALWAYS have a vendetta against YOU!”, he could care less. he got everything and when he saw i was nearly dead, he played his last card.
new gf. new baby. new life.
strangely, i never thought he’d betray me on that level.
newlife: in pod-speak, they are all the same.
in survivor-speak …
WE WIN!

Yes yes yes to all of the above!

So many play the “religion” card for all it is worth. It’s particularly useful for gaslighting. How can you say that about me? I’m a Christian! or I’m a pastor!

My first experience with an S. they guy had me SO confused with his use of the word “love”, so blatantly manipulative yet it still took me SO long to see it, because of the faith I had in his “faith”.

Then, more recently, my battle with a Narcissistic pastor (before I learned about S/P/Ns) left me so weak I was a wide open target for the second S. Friends we had had for 17 years so easily turned their backs on us, in defense of him. He had his own “mafia”. They just circled the wagons.

Based on my first experience, I questioned the second one fairly often, and was met with “I would NEVER do that so someone I cared about.” And, “I will always love you.” Umm.. define love?

Faith no more! (in the wrong place)(and I can tell now)…

OXY –

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts . I have you, Donna and all those here to thank – especially Steve Becker, for removing my blinders and helping me to learn and grow stronger in spite of all my resistance and often malignant hope.

I had to learn to let love go and see the hopelessness in all the years I tried to love him into “healthy”.

The worst now is trying to get a divorce settled and watching him manipulate my kids.

NOW he wants to be a good dad, NOW he wants to cut a Christmas tree, Now he gets my daughter a laptop , Now he wants to cook dinner and take them to lunch……………..

and they are so happy that NOW he is finally doing more…..even though it is all still at his convenience.

I know he will disappoint them over and over again and it hurts me to watch them take crumbs – just like I did.

Dear newlife,

You are starting a NEW LIFE, and it will be stronger and better and happier than the fantasy and hell you lived in before. I know you hurt for your kids, but unfortunately, they have to see this for themselves…and it does hurt, but at the same time, just as this will eventually make you a stronger and better and happier person (I think I am seeing evidence of that arleady) they will have to go through their own walk with him, and their own discovery and own pain, but at the same time, if you protect your kids from every hurtful thing, they would never learn to walk–they might not have bumped their heads, but they wouldn’t be walking and then running. This experience with their sperm donor can make them stronger and wiser too, even if a bit sadder. Keep your faith in yourself and faith in the kids you are raising. I hope that they come through this as well as you, and that they will learn from this that not everyone who claims to love you is reliable.

((((hugs))) for you and your kids, and always my prayers and for everyone here to reach peace and joy!

Steve,
Thank you for this article. It is very timely for me. Right now I’m having a hard time with understanding why someone would be so calculated and take advantage on purpose. (I know the answer, but I still don’t like it or want to accept it.) My ex would go out of his way to prove his devotion to me because he knew I didn’t trust him. He would make up stories that tried to prove his love which would allow him to sink his teeth in a little bit further. How could I resist a man that would stop at nothing to prove how commited he was?!?! I now know that most of those stories came AFTER he betrayed me. He would over compensate and tell me things to ensure that I would swoon over his stories or acts of devotion so that I would not question his actions. The last time he tried to make my faith in him stronger, he called me from Jamaica while he was at his parent’s new vacation home. He called to tell me that he had done something that he wanted me to know about. He told me that he came clean to his dad and told his dad allllll about me. How much he loved me and knew that his relationship with his wife wasn’t what he wanted. How amazing I was to him and how much he wanted to be with me. Said he showed his dad pictures of me and on and on and on. To him, this should have proved the ultimate devotion and love for me. Telling his own father that he was cheating on his wife and kids because he loved me so much?!?!?! Well, 2 months later now, come to find out he was in the Domican Republic with the new victim, not with his dad in Jamaica. He somehow snuck away long enough to get a phone call in while he was on vacation with the new girl..lol. His story was only a ploy to divert my thoughts. So calculated. He did things like this all the time to make me believe his love for me was real. I now know it wasn’t. I feel that I was a form of entertainment for him. It was all about him. His stories were only attempts to Trying to look like the good guy. Trying to cover his tracks so I wouldn’t suspect him of wrong doing. So this article helps. I know I just have to accept that this is how they function.
I talked to a dear male friend of mine the other night. I had introduced my ex and him years ago, and they hit it off and since, have become friends. It’s damaged my friendship with him without question. I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with him now. But we spoke honestly about the situation between my ex and me, and he said that my ex and him have had several conversaitions. He said that my ex said he feels TERRIBLE for what he’s done. He NEVER wanted to hurt me. He CARES about me so much and just feels HORRIBLE. And I told my friend he could believe that if he wanted to, but this was just another attempt to do damage control. To keep try and come off as a sorrowful and apologetic being. The only thing that he feels terrible about is the fact that he got caught. I told my friend, someone that is as calculated as he is, doens’t mean what they say. It’s only a story. A story to create an image that he wants everyone to believe, but his actions speak louder than his words. And someone that INTENTIONALLY does what he did and lies to cover it, doesn’t feel bad, doesn’t mean NOT to hurt. And the pathetic attempt to make his friends believe that he feels bad is just another lie. Just more lies to cover the others.
I have always wanted to believe in the good in others. Believe that people are naturally inclined to do the right thing. I now know this is not true. He made me realize this. So I will take that from this situation and apply it to the rest of my life. I will continue to have faith in people, but that faith will come with extreme caution. I will have faith only after you have proven that you really deserve it. Thanks again for this article.

Amber, I get where you are coming from.
It’s a mess and a muddle to figure out what is true and what is not. My position today is that I trust no one until they have proven themselves. Guilty until proven innocent, I guess you could say.
When I met my ex P., he was the knight in shining armor. I had moved to a big city, had little money and was looking for a place to live in. He had a job, a house he was sharing with someone else and was going to school. He LOOKED like he was the whole package. He was attentive beyond belief. He called my mother and talked her into sending the money for me to rent an apartment. Because he loved me so much, he moved in within the first week and couldn’t stand to be away from me that long. He called constantly to tell me how much he loved me. I, in my need to have someone in my life (I had been alone for a long time), bought this lock, stock and barrel. I overlooked SO much!
I see now that he was attracted to my beliefs. I had faith the whole world was infinitely good. I didn’t believe evil could exist. I believed everything that happened would have a good outcome.
Here’s the real story: he moved in with me because he was temporarily renting a room and was being told to get out. He only had a job and was going to school to look good because he was on probation for theft. He was also still married and there was a divorce in the works. I lost the friends I had because started screening calls, not telling me when someone called. There were a couple he just plain told NOT to call at all. He allowed everyone to think HE had put the money down for the apartment. When I approached him about this, he agreed with me and said that he would make it right. It never happened. He called me 5-6 times a day to make sure I was where I was meant to be. He thought MY alimony check belonged to him as well. He was a master at using time as a tool to get what he wanted. I had started working, I had started my own business and soon was making a lot of money. Yes, you really can start a business on nothing. He LIKED that money so much, he gradually stopped working. He went back to drugs, which I didn’t know about for a long time. I have never done drugs, so I’m clueless as to what to look for and he counted on that. Red flags? Oh yeah! Should have had a clue when we flew back to meet his family(I paid for the tickets) and found out his family nickname was “Nixon”. I made him look GOOD in the eyes of those who had thought he was not. Even the biggest skeptics thought he had changed. He had not and never will. He looked solid and respectable. He wasn’t. His life prior to meeting me was full of drugs and criminal activity. When I fell during pregnancy with our son, he never bothered to show up for 4 hours. He was in class when I called him. He finished class and went out for something to eat, THEN showed up at the hospital.
In all of this, over the years, my faith rotted away, a bit at a time. It got to the point where I didn’t have my own mind anymore. He used my mind like it was play dough. It didn’t matter what was said, it was always turned around. He used the FOG and the gaslighting and everything else I’ve learned about here on LF. I just never was able to put a NAME to those these behaviors. I’ve heard it said that the best mask Satan can wear is that of God himself. I met that person, I lived with that person. It took me years of bargaining, trying to change him, constantly catching him in lies, allowing myself to be cheated on and all the rest until I finally GOT IT.
As I write this, I am starting to feel pretty stupid again. I look back now and shake my head. Those that I trust are few. I DO trust this site and everyone on it. I trust what is written here because here, I have had so much help in so many ways. I wear a new pair of glasses today. I see it all so much more clearly and yet, I have so much healing ahead of me and that’s OK.
THIS is something I want to go back to? Not now, not ever.
Steve and all the rest, thank you.

Always doing thoughtful little things for people, he was… the trouble is that now I am absolutely jaundiced. You opened a door for me? What’s your little game, eh? Buy me a coffee? No thanks, sociopath! I had immense trouble trusting people before this, and I don’t know what on earth I’ll do now.

Dear Huyton girl,

Y0u take it slow and easy and start to TRUST YOURSELF again to use good judgment about WHO to trust, and keep you safe. I think the worst thing we lose is our ability to trust ourselves to pick out safe people (or unsafe as the case may be). I am only now lerning to TRUST MYSELF AGAIN, and others must earn the trust I extend to them, and no second chances on lies, theft, illegal or immoral behavior. One strike and you are out.

Steve, maybe just title this this Sociopaths Exploit! This is such a great article, but maybe those hurt by love think from the title it has something to do with religion. Though FAITH is the perfect word to use! And don’t change a word in the article! But I hate to think some will never read this because they think it is about religious exploitation from just the title???? It is one of best articles on here!

Or title it Sociopaths exploiting your faith in them

That is exactly what they do! This article explains a lot about their behavior. I told my friend so much so several times like I may have misjudged her character, and that it was no easy thing to deceive me because I am easy to do that to. I guess it is the same with predators- they don’t care if the prey is easy- they like it perhaps even more than having to work to devour someone/thing. I would not have liked her at all had it not been for constant affirming (or illusion thereof) of her liking me. It is just like Lucy holding the ball for Charlie Brown and proclaiming that it is ok to kick it this time- only for her to pull the ball away at the last minute. I love the Peanuts comic strip. She was the one who invited him to kick the ball in the first place- he would probably been just as happy to play baseball- even though that didn’t work out well either.

Steve,

Thank-you, once again. These articles of yours…..they are SO affirming and big picture. They are medicine for my soul.

I heard the ‘I have never felt so seen and heard and safe’ from the sociopath. This meant to me that I was also safe to feel that way….because his saying it gave the impression that he understood how important it is for all of us. This contributed in my having ‘faith’ in his ability to reciprocate with behaviors that would foster safety and intimacy.

It is all a con. They have no idea the meaning, only the effect on the target.
Slim

JustAboutHealed:

What if the article was titled “Sexploitation”?
Do you get it?
If you combine the word ‘sociopath’ with ‘exploitation’, you get “SEXPLOITATION”.

Being exploited by a sociopath is “sexploitation”, and there is ALWAYS sex involved when dealing with the sociopath.
So, having the word “sex” in there may also be appropriate.

Hence, the word, “sexploitation”.
I don’t know, I sort of like it.

Oops. “Sexploitation” is already a word.
Never mind.

Teacher,

I also love the Peanuts cartoons and I do think Lucy is a psychopath! She plays Charlie Brown like a violin! LOL And loves it when she fools him and drags him back into her game and humiliates him. good analogy.

I have been ‘single’ 18 months, the few encounters I have had with other men since then have been via internet. Bad outcome. So I am going out tonite. This is a big thing for me. But I have to get out as I am isolating myself again and falling into a depression.

Great article! It brought back some unpleasant memories. My ex-S had me thinking I was straight crazy. He would always say, “you don’t remember I told you….” Of course he never told me.

I also will never forget when I started having strong suspicions of him cheating he gave me a lecture two months before he left me. He said, “I can’t believe you. You think I am out here F***ing around and I am out here working hard for our family.” So then I find out months later he actually had a baby!!! There is so much of that of how he tried to turn it around on me.

This morning going to work I was just thinking about all of the craziness he has put me through since I met him in 2003. I have taken his craziness for 6 years. I have had enough!

That was a waste of gas…

I found support for the statement in the article about the sociopath’s audacity to repeat the cycle of betraying the faith in others in a Warren Zevon song called “For my next trick I’ll need a volunteer”. Here it goes.
I can saw a woman in two
But you won’t want to look in the box when I do
I can make love disappear
For my next trick I’ll need a volunteer

I can pull a rabbit out of a hat
I can pull it out but I can’t put it back
I can make love disappear
For my next trick I’ll need a volunteer

It’s lonely up here
When the tricks have been played
And the spotlights have faded
And the plans that we made
Have fallen apart
It’s lonely as hell
And there’s no magic spell
For a broken heart

You can put me in chains and I will escape
Better not wait up ’cause I might be late
I can make love disappear
For my next trick I’ll need a volunteer
Lovefrauds/magicians/losers

Dear Steve, thank you for the very enlightening article! As I stated in the other blog, X is again trying to prove my faith/trust/helpfulness. Your entries are my personal “Garlic” to insulate my soul from X’s attempts! Thanks!!!

Dear Henry, I am so glad for you that you did not lower your standards to “amortize” the gas-price 😉 ! LOL. But I am with you, and it is hard going out fighting depression.

One has to kiss many frogs to find a prince! I am also very unlucky in this department at the moment.

My future business partner postponed the date to tomorrow, and so I will roam the shops and get me some hot chocolate. I am so glad you all are here! Thanks!

The last line was mine. I guess also that is why they need Lawyers Guns and Money just like another of W.Zevon’s songs which is an oldie but goodie.

Henry, at least you got of the house and are conscious of what you need to do to take care of yourself. That’s something I have to work on some days. When I DO get out and do something, I find that I get out of myself. That depression is a sneaky thing.

libelle, I’m going with the garlic! Love that as I call my ex Spath a spiritual vampire. 🙂
I’ve read this several times now, Steve, and each time I come away with something new. Thanks for nailing this one as you did. It is so right on!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

henry,

I HEAR you; how many times have i said that! I don’t know where you have to go to go out, but the town i am in has nothing for gay folk. NADA. I go to the occasional dance at the uni. and more often than not, I am saying the same thing.

One reason I have gone on the internet in the last few years – it is hard to even find people. I am not 20 or 30 or even 40 and I live in a university town.

the women hanging out at the women’s center are all still wearing rat tails and birks (apologies to the birks’ lovers out there), and their politics haven’t evolved for 20 years. I do not like to go dancing to music that beats faster than my heart rate, nor am i interested in pool and sports as avocations. I have just ruled out a large swath of the population.

my general level of starvation for queer company makes me a target. oh, this just sucks.

one step

One Step – I also live close to a university town. I am way out in the stick’s in the country. I love my solitude and tranquility of country life but it does get lonely after spending all my time alone. So like last nite I forced myself to drive to the next biggest city with some queer folks. I was very turned off by the people walking around and sitting at the bars with their cell phones, texting etc. If someone has to text while having a conversation with me, I would just walk away from them. I feel like a dinasour in todays technology. However it was good to get out, and I didnt see him, so that was good.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

slimone,
“I heard the ’I have never felt so seen and heard and safe’ from the sociopath. This meant to me that I was also safe to feel that way”.because his saying it gave the impression that he understood how important it is for all of us.”

BINGO!

i am just starting to look at what ‘he’ / she said to me around seeing and being seen, and safety.

safety: ‘he’ was going to help me financially. THIS i feel stooopid for. I think only this. Everything else that i gave her access to i can own. by this i mean, i thought i was loved, so i gave. and what i gave in terms of revealing myself was given in love. so i won’t feel stoopid about it. I didn’t realize that it was being stolen. but i didn’t lose it either. it is still me, regardless.

what has been deeply affected is how i deal with people in general and the other unsafety in my life. i am highly suspicious now. and questioning people’s motivation. when i see their dubious behavior it is magnified. I have had to bite my tongue (or rather, grind my teeth) on a few occasions with a friend lately, have been less than gracious about a committee member I work with (she is a piece of work, but I can usually handle her) and have really gone into battle mode re my bully landlord and neighbor . fight fight fight. i wish i had a van, cause then i’d flight flight flight.

A friend lent me her car last night. I got a lot done, and early this am, too. resources. sigh. I am THE resourceful girl. I can figure something from almost nothing. right now, ahhhh.

I asked a friend if she would take my boot to get it fixed (the only cobbler is outside the town and i have no wheels) the cobbler is right beside the store she works in. I only have those boots. No shoes. I took them to her early in the week and today when i had the car i drove out there to pick it up – not there. um dude, you know my situation.

she had a long story. she left it in her dad’s car. she said she’d go to the second hand and buy me boots? WTF.? “NO, you have your dad bring the boot to the store today.”

she wrote me back and said she was going to go get it and be late for work and….blah blah. I said ‘thanks.’ she is studying to be a social worker. god help us.

one step

Aaaaah, I met my ex- on the internet. An internet dating site.

Yeah, I am very cautious about those things these days. He wrote to me yesterday and told me he paid the site again so he could go back on line and read our early exchanges. Yeah, right — I think he’s trolling for prey again. I know exactly what he’s looking for now too – relatively well off women in their late 40’s, early 50’s, blonde, either with kids or without. I think he likes the “milfs” because he likes to flirt with their daughters. If they’re of a legal age, he’ll do more than flirt with ’em.

I didn’t have a daughter, so he was constantly asking me to invite my girlfriends to go places with us. The younger, the better.

Beware the internet (she says as she writes on a blog.) You never really know who you’re writing to. Hell, I even am cautious about what I write here — maybe he’s reading this.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

louisegolem: I am careful here, also.

LOL re the blog – I shut mine down so that only my ‘friends’ could read it after ‘he’died’ (didn’t die, didn’t exist. scammed). Then I got scared that since he had been a ‘friend’, maybe he could still access it somehow.

So, I ended up closing it to everyone but me, AND I STILL DON’T FEEL SAFE TO BLOG THERE! There was a group of us (me, 2? real people and a bunch of sock puppets) who used to blog together and write comments on each other’s blogs. I REALLY like it. I like the play and interaction, words and pictures (They WERE terribly humorous socks).

AND i would never have found out who my spath really was unless one of her former dupees wasn’t keeping a blog. So, I have to say, I am blog positive. And I see that so much has been cut off for me, through this mess. erghhh, isolation sucks.

that said, a friend offered to take me to see another friend’s band tonight. VERY happy about that. real peeps.

but ya know i also really like peeps on the net, through words. i love words and writing and reading other’s writing. and that is another way that i was targeted. hmmm.

ty for the blog comment – got me off on a riff and helped me see a loss from another angle.

best,
one step

yeah, I understand, One Step.
As you can see, I love doing those words, too, and you should see my computer set up. I do find the internet to be quite addictive!
I guess I’m so close to the break-up still, and very very cautious. I just can’t imagine myself going out with the hopes of meeting someone right now — my paranoia and fear would probably make me utterly unattractive, anyway.

Let’s just say I’m mending. My cats are great company. And my family and dear friends. . . .

one/joy_step_at_a_time

When I first saw the title of this blog enrty I thought it refered to spaths exploiting religious or spiritual faith. I will speak to THAT, because it is part of my experience.

my spath had a line about ‘his’/her spirituality that ended up being one of the ways I identified her for real. ha!

one of the sock puppets came at me very pious and trying to mess me about vis a vis relgion and spirituality. what i think she failed to realize is that me ex N gf did SUCH a good job messing me about in that way that i am now innoculated. ha, again!

and the spath spit re spirit-uality was VERY EASY for me to read as WHACKO and is one of the things that made it VERY clear that I was dealing with CRAZY.

now, that said, N ex gf DID mess with my practiced religion. She set herself up as the ‘one who knew’. And it did effect me, and i am not over that. I have much to do around that. I basically dumped my practice in response. I had always had doubts and questions that were not being adequately answered, and was very upfront about that – so I was vulnerable to being twisted up about it.

One time we were rushing to get to a service and she was bullying the cab driver to get there faster. OH, SOOO WRONG.

one step

one/joy_step_at_a_time

from spath and sock puppets, ‘his’ list of characteristics that were repeated OVER and OVER that were repeated to engender trust and a non threatening character:

kind
guileless
couldn’t lie to save his life
submissive
empathetic
victimized: abused, used
prey
stalked
unable to protect himself
physically weak
physically small
unable to say no
dying (riiiight!)
(his prognosis was 5 years max…so the idea is that you can be kept on the line for 5 years? or left and come back to? urgency, for sure – do it now, cause he is gonna DIIIIIE)
noble
rises above it all
want soooo muchto to spend time with you, but i just keep dyyyying/ others make it difficult
‘others’ say it’s only a fantasy, but this thing with you and me, it’s REAL

I will write a list of manipulations sometime too.

fk

one step, love this list. heard them all as well. over and over and over. i especially like the last one…it really WAS a fantasy, but in my ex Spath’s eyes, this was his reality. Ick.

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