There was a time when all I felt grateful for was the absence of his voice, for just an hour or two from the phone.
There was a time when what I was most grateful for was knowing he was somewhere else, somewhere where I wasn’t.
There was a time when I was grateful not to think of him, for just a moment, or an hour, maybe even, if I was really strong, for half a day.
There was a time.
And now, the times have changed. The times have shifted, the sands have fallen differently, ever changing, in the hour glass of the passing of the time when he was all I thought of, all I saw, all I believed I would ever live with in my life.
The times they have changed.
Today I gave a presentation to a group of about 50 people on how to make a difference — in your life, in the life of your community, in this city, in the world. My presentation as on behalf of The United Way, an agency that helped me get counselling when I first was released from the hell of that relationship that almost killed me.
I am grateful, I told the audience, for the support of The United Way because, they, along with my friends and family who stood by me, gave me the tools and the help I needed to start rebuilding my life. To start reclaiming all that was lost and so much more.
That’s the thing about a relationship with a psychopath/sociopath. The relationship leaves you drained — of all resources, of all energy, of all sense of self. We survived their passing through our lives and in the end, we wonder, will we ever breathe freely again? Will we ever feel like ourselves again? Will we ever trust, love, give our hearts again?
Recently, I was teaching a self-esteem course at the homeless shelter where I work. I asked the students, what are you grateful for? One man, about thirty years old, answered. I’m grateful for going to jail. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Because of being imprisoned, I got sober. And that’s how I want to live the rest of my life.
The conman experience was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. Sure, going through that journey was hell. I despaired that I would survive. I’m lucky I did. But, in having come out of the other side, I know, without a doubt, that that encounter freed me from my self-limiting beliefs that were keeping me from living the life of my dreams. That relationship forced me to look at myself and claim — I deserve all the world has to offer. I deserve to be free.
These relationships are hell. They test us. Try us. Destroy our belief in ourselves. Destroy our faith in humanity. And in the end, they leave us looking for a miracle, trying to find ourselves beneath the painful memories that keep us stuck in believing, we will never be free.
It’s all in our perspective.
We can look at their passing through our lives as the worst thing that ever happened to us — or we can look at their passing through our lives as the most astonishing thing that ever happened to us. We can find the value in their passing through or we can stay stuck in believing they were all we are worth. We can dig into the dirt of the turmoil, the angst, and the pain they dumped upon us and wallow in its weight, or we can dig out from beneath the dirt and claim our right to stand, fully illuminated in the sun of our new day dawning upon the truth of who we are when we choose to live up to our highest good, freed from the belief we are not good enough, not well enough, not enough.
We are enough. Just the way we are. We give enough. Do enough. Are enough.
Coming through the hell of that relationship I have had enough of living small, of living under the lies of someone else’s disorderly conduct. I have had enough of being who someone else tells me I must be. I have had enough.
Freed from believing someone else had the right to determine my worth, I claim my right to live up to my true value. I claim my right to determine my worth by every word, every deed, every action I take today.
I am not the woman who was abused.
I am a woman who has claimed her right to live freely in the rapture of now. I am a woman who claims her right to be all she is meant to be when she ‘turns up, pays attention, speaks her truth and stays unattached to the outcome.’ I am a Woman of Worth. A real WoW!
You are too.
If you feel less than, other than, bothered by or determined by his insistence that your only value is based upon what you give him or bring to him or what he gives you or says you are, shake yourself free. Give yourself the gift of knowing — he is just a conman, or conwoman. Their only purpose in life is to live off the well-meaning intentions of those around them. Their only purpose is to find their value in the devastation they cause in the world around them.
You are better than that. More than he could ever imagine.
Shake yourself free of believing he was the ‘worst’ thing that ever happened to you and embrace the reality of his passing through your life — you are free. In freedom, you can make choices that support you, nurture you and celebrate your magnificence.
Don’t let one man take the present of you and turn it into a burden for years to come.
Give yourself the gift of freedom. Acknowledge the gift of wisdom that comes with having lived through the experience of a conman in your life. Gift yourself the knowing — you are more than he could ever have imagined. You are more than you ever dreamed of. You are free to be your most amazing self because he is gone and you have nothing more to hold onto. The beauty of holding onto nothing is — you have nothing to lose. And with nothing to lose you are free to be your most incredible, amazing, magnificent self. Holding onto nothing, no one can take your most amazing self away from you.
Live it up. Live it free. Shift your anger and regret to gratitude and Live your best life yet!
I am!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May your life be filled with abundance, love and joy.
Style1,
I once had a brief affair with a man who was a former teacher of mine. I believed that it would be a soulmate type of thing. However, right away on the phone he asked me if I used condoms. In another conversation, he asked if I was still getting periods (I am close to the age of menopause). All of this was because he had sex on his mind obviously. I miraculously overlooked that (!!!!) and proceeded anyway. Then I wondered why I got hurt afterward when he disappeared for several months. I think when we are starry-eyed and having a fantasy about someone, our minds can fill in the gaps. We overlook those little “flaws and weaknesses” (I mean aren’t ALL men obsessed with sex anyway?…..).
I totally understand how you could miss the signals. It’s still difficult to fathom some people’s predatory nature, even when the red flags are waving in my face, cause I’m just not made that way.
I think the fact that he even brought up “age” says a lot to do about his motives and maturity level. Good thing you didn’t bet on that pony.
Hey OxDrover… No he the P dosent contact anyone in his family unless he is really bad or really doing well…. but I know these people …t they were abusive to the P when he was growing up… of course they would not hurt my child…so I am told but do not want to take any chance… we drove across country and could not even stay at their house…but my son spent last TG with them and the P boy I wish I would have gone…. the only horror story my son has was that she told him to brush his hair… he looked like a lion… my child has curly brown banana curl hair … no need for brushes comb when wet is the way we do it anyhow… I am not responding to this email… I have already done x mas shopping… and I would rather stand in line at the share food program than accept as you say greeks bearing gifts….. its to enhance the image of them being superior to my inferior… thats how I take it…. this is the man who when I was 17 told his P … she has no chest……
Both are not role models for my child….. YUK ! yeah I hold onto those memories to mean it says alot about the kind of person you are…. shallow….. I did not give my address and I am not contacting them… anymore… no reason to they have never been warm and kind or loving towards me… just errryyyyyyyy….
Dear spirit,
Yea, the “one up-man-ship” of giving you things, you poor dear…we DO SO want grandson to have a “brighter” Christmas (than you can give him, poor baby)
Where is the PUKE emoticon when you need it? LOL
My egg donor used to ask me (before the D&D) “do you need money?” I would always tell her “NO, I am doing fine” and I would have said the same thing if I had been in the share food program line as well. I used to say I would live in a tent and eat out of the dumpster behind McDonald’s before I would have taken a dime from her.
I think it actually made her mad that I would not be “bought” by her “generosity”—but it always came with strings. She even told her attorney how “generous” she had been to me.
Except for when she gave me a check because she was too infirm to shop and this was not some huge check either) I never took a dime from her except the $100 she gave me for BDs and Xmas. I learned with my X-in-laws (Ps) that taking “gifts” from people can be a LOSING PROPOSITION…I am and always have been fiercly independent financially and never owed a soul a dime that I didn’t pay back…live within my means. the only money I ever borrowed from her was to pay my son’s private school tuition, and I paid that back WITH INTEREST even though she told me I didn’t have to. maybe that’s prideful on my part, but at least no one can say they bought and paid for me.
OxDrover:
yeah they used to make comments when he was a baby oh he’s got the same outfit on , yeah because I washed it and he wore it again I thought it was adorable… how many friken outfits does a baby need ??? oh and what size is he now we havent seen him in a year they have only seen him about 5 times in 12 years…. hardly a relationship with strangers….
I like you , like to depend on myself except when the P was living off me .. would have been nice to have him support me through school since he drank on my couch for 3 years on and off…. and for the past 23 years I was the back burner chick since he saddled me with his seed… ( my boy) whom I love and dont mean that in a bad way….. they can save for his college but my parents didnt put me through college , loans and grants I will be paying off …. first they asked what we needed then when I said I didnt feel comfortable giving my address he said only interested in a brighter christmas for my son… they devalue and discard me all the time….ugghghhghg…
Style1: What I decided was what I had called being “nice” was really being dishonest about what I was feeling. And I had to ask myself, was I really being nice, or afraid of them not liking my honest reaction or even rejecting me for it? Now I try to “mean what I say, but not say it meanly.” (That I think is an alnon saying I got from a friend.)And the truth is, if someone stomps off because you let them know that what they just said offended you, you are probably better off without them. They just lost interest because you are not a victim!
As far as “feeling on edge” that nails what I felt as sort of a last stage. I don’t know if that is withdrawal from certain brain chemicals, or a fear that it is not really over, or a longing to get back at them but knowing you can’t. Whatever it is, I felt it. Coming to lf is how I have dealt with it. Maybe it is partly a reaction to the end of the drama that was them. I dunno. But I’m mostly past that “on edge” feeling. I think it is part of PTSD.
Dear JAH,
I think you hit the nail on the head GF! always “being nice” is not always HONEST, and we really do need to be honest, but at the same time, we can use TACT and not be “hateful” just because we are also honest. Setting boundaries is HONEST, “being nice” and letting people disrespect you is not HONEST because we RESENT them doing that, just like Style said she resented her X not paying his share of the expenses that she expected he should pay. When we resent someone because they are NOT doing what we expect them to, or because they are doingsomething we don’t like, we are not being honest to say, “I have a problem with xy or z”
“John, I have a problem with you not having a job.” Or “I have a problem with you dropping your dirty socks for someone else to pick up.” Whatever it is that WE have a problem wioth someone else’s behavior that effects US is honest to say it, but also be firm and enforce our boundaries. Sometimes if we DO enforce those boundaries though, the RELATIONSHIP WILL END if they do not respect them. And, when we set a boundary we MUST BE PREPARED FOR THAT RELATIONSHIP TO END.
We can set a boundary, enforce that boundary and discuss it with someone, if they refuse to discuss it…well, you know where that leads.
Before I went NC with my egg donor, I tried to discuss what had gone on, and she REFUSED to discuss things and said instead “let’s just pretend none of this happened and start over.” THAT WAS HER BOUNDARY, we “will not discuss this” but MY boundary was “without discussing this, we have no further relationship.” NC
She is unable/unwilling to respect my boundary, and I cannot and will not “pretend none of this happened.”
Unfortunately too many times my “boundaries” were not solid, and many times UNspoken, so the other party could always deny that they “knew.” So now, I speak clearly and openly and try to be TACTFUL about how I phrase them. But I am honest as well. It feels a lot better.
The only “person” I can’t get to respect my boundaries is teh darned CAT!@....... She thinks she owns the place and that I am her servant! the dog is her toy and playmate. UGH! I can train anything except a darn CAT!!!@.......#$
Dear Spirit,
I had a college scholarship when I was 16 but blew it off to trapse around the world, then when I went back as an adult, I worked, rised my kids, got a bit of scholarship and grant money (not much) and loans which I paid back, and lived on the edge of poverty but felt proud of myself. My egg donor never offered me a cent (and I would have died before I would have asked except I did BORROW some money for her for school tuition for my ADHD kid for a small private school for a couple of years) I paid her back with INTEREST calculated to the cent at the MAXIMUM legal rate for my state.
Yea, they always try to make their INVASIONS appear to be “gestures of good will”—LOL
I agree with you about the clothes. Heck my kids didn’t know STORES SOLD CLOTHES until they got in Jr. High, they thought you bought them in some one’s front yard! But they were the best dressed kids in school! My sons are still sharp dressers when they go out and most of their clothes are bought at the Goodwill.
Morning Oxy… As they say one womans trash is another’s treasure!
nothing wrong with hand me downs and good will and thrift stores, specially if ya find them in the snooty area of town woo hoo then , its like hitting the jack pot… my friend and I actually just went a couple weeks ago… although I did not want or need anything just to look… I could have bought a shirt for 4.50….. instead of retail 20-30?
yeah….. we are good people not like the parasitic lifestyle these P’s lead lieing , cheating, sofa surfing…. sc–m bags…. I just found out the email I got from the P , well he is not in a “program” its an outpatient program OMG watch out world…. he is still on the loose… I tell everyone I can. And I cut the cell phone ..checked the bill … that is how I found out…..anyone remember “secret squirrel” LOL well thats me…I just hate being lied to and its funny when I cut the phone bill the cell people called me back to make “sure” I wanted to do this … I was like yeah it belongs to my psycho bf and I am sure since he dosent pay the bill. how dare they? he probably called them LOL oh well I guess his new BF has to pay the bill now or his sister….better them than me… but to lie and say you love your child, happy holidays blah blah …. he better not come near me…I got 911 programed on my cell phone…..
Email response not sent to P’s family:
First of all you have no idea of the difficulties, difficulties is a mild term, let me find some words to describe what the P has caused in my life… he had been devious, humiliating, embarrassingg, harassing, manipulative, violent, rageful, a bully, exploitative…. he is not only an alcoholic that is just a mask for his personality disorder.
Yes I do remember a few times you said somethings about The P being a part time presence in our lives etc etc , I do not recall you telling me to stay away from him.. in those actual words ever.
Sociopaths/Narcissists/ Anti socials do not think there is anything wrong with them so as far as getting his sorry life together , I am not surprised you have so little compassion for a son whom you choose to adopt. I see where he gets some or most of the characteristics from being emotionally/physically abused as a child. Along with not being able to bond at birth with anyone. Along with the genetic factor and there you have the monster /confused immature creature that he is. Pathetic he is but not with out his background.
I have lived with the P on and off for 23 years and know him more intimately (not on his part) and can make this claim I lived with the evidence. As I said alcoholism is a mask a way to cope with his disorder.
The way he was abusive, targeting me, taking advantage of me, his immaturity , irresponsibility ,etc towards us is inexcusable. I want nothing to do with him. But he has succeeded in sucking his child in, what little boy dosent want his father. He is pathetic, I was not trying to play house with him. I am growing and mature and his growth is stunted.
Thanks for the gesture… I think….my son doesn’t need material things to bring a brighter holiday, I am quite capable of providing what he needs. As I always have . If you still think somehow your presents will win him over you can send a gift card via amazon.
I sent my ex-husband an email last week to thank him for walking out on me eight years ago. His actions that day changed me in ways I could not have imagined at the time. I see my relationship with him as something that was meant to be to help me become who I am today.
I was married four weeks ago to a wonderful man. It took alot of work to get to this point in my life but it was all worth it. My advice to those trying to recover today – embrace the pain and allow it to change you. Always remember that today you are where you are meant to be.