There was a time when all I felt grateful for was the absence of his voice, for just an hour or two from the phone.
There was a time when what I was most grateful for was knowing he was somewhere else, somewhere where I wasn’t.
There was a time when I was grateful not to think of him, for just a moment, or an hour, maybe even, if I was really strong, for half a day.
There was a time.
And now, the times have changed. The times have shifted, the sands have fallen differently, ever changing, in the hour glass of the passing of the time when he was all I thought of, all I saw, all I believed I would ever live with in my life.
The times they have changed.
Today I gave a presentation to a group of about 50 people on how to make a difference — in your life, in the life of your community, in this city, in the world. My presentation as on behalf of The United Way, an agency that helped me get counselling when I first was released from the hell of that relationship that almost killed me.
I am grateful, I told the audience, for the support of The United Way because, they, along with my friends and family who stood by me, gave me the tools and the help I needed to start rebuilding my life. To start reclaiming all that was lost and so much more.
That’s the thing about a relationship with a psychopath/sociopath. The relationship leaves you drained — of all resources, of all energy, of all sense of self. We survived their passing through our lives and in the end, we wonder, will we ever breathe freely again? Will we ever feel like ourselves again? Will we ever trust, love, give our hearts again?
Recently, I was teaching a self-esteem course at the homeless shelter where I work. I asked the students, what are you grateful for? One man, about thirty years old, answered. I’m grateful for going to jail. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Because of being imprisoned, I got sober. And that’s how I want to live the rest of my life.
The conman experience was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. Sure, going through that journey was hell. I despaired that I would survive. I’m lucky I did. But, in having come out of the other side, I know, without a doubt, that that encounter freed me from my self-limiting beliefs that were keeping me from living the life of my dreams. That relationship forced me to look at myself and claim — I deserve all the world has to offer. I deserve to be free.
These relationships are hell. They test us. Try us. Destroy our belief in ourselves. Destroy our faith in humanity. And in the end, they leave us looking for a miracle, trying to find ourselves beneath the painful memories that keep us stuck in believing, we will never be free.
It’s all in our perspective.
We can look at their passing through our lives as the worst thing that ever happened to us — or we can look at their passing through our lives as the most astonishing thing that ever happened to us. We can find the value in their passing through or we can stay stuck in believing they were all we are worth. We can dig into the dirt of the turmoil, the angst, and the pain they dumped upon us and wallow in its weight, or we can dig out from beneath the dirt and claim our right to stand, fully illuminated in the sun of our new day dawning upon the truth of who we are when we choose to live up to our highest good, freed from the belief we are not good enough, not well enough, not enough.
We are enough. Just the way we are. We give enough. Do enough. Are enough.
Coming through the hell of that relationship I have had enough of living small, of living under the lies of someone else’s disorderly conduct. I have had enough of being who someone else tells me I must be. I have had enough.
Freed from believing someone else had the right to determine my worth, I claim my right to live up to my true value. I claim my right to determine my worth by every word, every deed, every action I take today.
I am not the woman who was abused.
I am a woman who has claimed her right to live freely in the rapture of now. I am a woman who claims her right to be all she is meant to be when she ‘turns up, pays attention, speaks her truth and stays unattached to the outcome.’ I am a Woman of Worth. A real WoW!
You are too.
If you feel less than, other than, bothered by or determined by his insistence that your only value is based upon what you give him or bring to him or what he gives you or says you are, shake yourself free. Give yourself the gift of knowing — he is just a conman, or conwoman. Their only purpose in life is to live off the well-meaning intentions of those around them. Their only purpose is to find their value in the devastation they cause in the world around them.
You are better than that. More than he could ever imagine.
Shake yourself free of believing he was the ‘worst’ thing that ever happened to you and embrace the reality of his passing through your life — you are free. In freedom, you can make choices that support you, nurture you and celebrate your magnificence.
Don’t let one man take the present of you and turn it into a burden for years to come.
Give yourself the gift of freedom. Acknowledge the gift of wisdom that comes with having lived through the experience of a conman in your life. Gift yourself the knowing — you are more than he could ever have imagined. You are more than you ever dreamed of. You are free to be your most amazing self because he is gone and you have nothing more to hold onto. The beauty of holding onto nothing is — you have nothing to lose. And with nothing to lose you are free to be your most incredible, amazing, magnificent self. Holding onto nothing, no one can take your most amazing self away from you.
Live it up. Live it free. Shift your anger and regret to gratitude and Live your best life yet!
I am!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May your life be filled with abundance, love and joy.
I agree that sometimes being nice is to not offend and have someone leave …
but I usually try and do see both sides.. as in this man that told me that he had cancer after we had been talking for quite a while…
I thought people get ill, I could get ill.. would I want to be rejected just because I am ill… so I felt compassion and continued .. then when he started asking if I had HIV or STDs.. I began to feel strange … like there is something off in this.. and I was questioning in my mind and feeling insulted.. while also understanding that if someone has been ill that they would be cautious.. but is was too soon and abrupt the way he inquired about my health.. and nothing about me indicates that anything is wrong with me and nothing is… it played out and cost me nothing to let it play out until he told me that he was interested in someone younger… that was the slap.. Iwas being considerate about his issues.. then he slammed dunked me when I am younger than he is and look much younger am healthy.. so he revealed to me that he is a jerk..
With the last man I was engaged to.. he had tons of things in his life that I didn’t enjoy when we first met.. a very sick mother.. that I did like and cared for .. and he was living in an almost empty large rental house.. that I helped him get out of.. now this was in the first three months of our meeting.. too much too soon… and the day that he moved in with me, he reveals that he is being evicted.. three months past dues in rent.. while he is wining and dining me and leaving his ill mother alone in the house .. except we would go over and get her grocerys on Sat. afternoon… And he was living practically at my house.. I stated several times, shouldn’t you be with your mother instead of here.. ? And he said no she is fine.. then she goes to a hospital. He closes down the house, and the day that he moves in, I find that he is 8 thousand behind in rent.. When I found that out… I literally felt like I was going to throw up. I felt used.. he was after me so hard for a place to live is what I felt. We had a huge arguement and he spent a lot of effort showing me that he loved me.. then I realized that part of the way that he was living was his mother’s SS.. then she dies like two weeks later.. and I am the one that tells him and I am the one that sees her more than he does..
So no, I was kind.. too kind and understanding… then the relationship went on from there..
Once, I called his mother and she thought I was his daugher and she blurted out. “Your good for nothing father doesn’t come to see me.” I should’ve heard clearly what his own mother said about him. But instead, I chalked it up to old age.. as he did try.. and his life was exhausting, traveling all the time in his business..and he did not cheat on me.. he talked to me too much on the phone and every night.. he was in a bad place and I understood and helped.. being a kind person.. but the deal is that none of it was good for me or my life.. it offered little but giving and burdens.. and I felt tired and used and these were not my burdens.. but again.. I don’t regret helping his mother..
but as the relationship played out and I met his emotionally wacked out daughter all I could see is family diffifulties with children that are not mine.. But this man worked and gave his money to his kids and did do what he could for me.. but I never felt right about it all after I realized that he was being evicted.. I told him several times that he should’ve moved not a smaller place and gotten out of that overhead… and his last wife had died only three months before we met.. and he married her too fast and told me the marriage was over in the first few months.. but he couldn’t afford a divorce .. then she dies of an overdose.. it is all too bizarre…
so no, I am too nice, understanding, caring, and try to see both sides.. I have been through rough times .. so I try to see things from another’s viewpoint.. and it gets me into bad things for me…
Dear Spirit,
I can almost “see” your “out-laws” in teh letter you DIDN’T send (BTW I wrote lots of those). The pretenses that they were trying to protect you, although I do admit their “VERY TACTFUL “he will not be a full time presense in your life” is not exactly a RUN GIRL! and I imagine their knowing him and not saying that is like saying “Jack the Ripper” might tear your dress on a date.
I agree with you that these people are SHALLOW at best, and the pretense of “loving” a grandson that they don’t have a relationship with, and never really wanted a relationship with, but want to tell their bridge partners about the poor little deprived boy, the offspring opf that pioor kid they adopted and dis so mcuh for who turned out to be such a disappointment, oh, my goodhess how their charity and good will has been abused–my goodness, what VICTIMS they are, but oh, they did try so hard” MAKE ME WEEP FOR THEM, NOT!!!
Maybe that is a judgmental picture I am forming in my mind by my seeing them like the N-Minister I lately dealt with in his pious stories of doing for the offspring of his own P adopted kid who sounds so like your X. the “he won’t be a full time presence in your life” is the kind of high-flung “warning” he would have given to a woman involved with his P-son I am sure.
In any case, that was the picture of what your letter evoked in my mind.
Personally, I am glad that your son has YOU and hopefully you can inflluence him and EDUCATE him CAREFULLY before the “terrible teens hit” and you suddenly become “retarded” and though all kids want a daddy, he can see what his daddy really IS.
It’s kind of like “criticising” a kid’s new crush, they think the other one is “perfect” so you can’t openly criticize it pretty much has to be done by making the kid open his eyes to the BEHAVIOR of the other person, to see the irresponsibility, to see that the hopes they hold out don’t come to reality. If you openly criticize I think that the kid becomes very defensive of them and has to “protect” the person from “YOUR MEAN SPIRIT.” LOL My egg donor is protecting my P son from my mean spirited desire that he remain in prisopn forever because she KNOWS that with all her love she can SAVE him.
Where is the PUKE emoticon when you need it!? LOL
Good going,Spirt, STAND TALL! Your little “lion cub” has a wonderful mother and personally I think that “can’t comb it unless it is wet” hair is really cute!@....... (((hugs))))
My fault is not sticking to what I want.. I don’t want a man with younger children, financial problems and that owes lots of child support and thisis what he was. His life was in a mess and mine isn’t.. and I let him infiltrate my life with his charm his words, his promises and his handsome facade.. I bought it but not totally…I am too kind and understanding when I should be taking care of me. He did things for me and fit the image but it was not real. What I had made him look good.. ans friends wondered why he was living with me..He just upsurped my life…. he wanted me, my energy, my life.. my peace and he went after it.. and I felt a large amount of internal conflict while being oh so kind. In the first few months, he was being pushy.. telling me how I should feel and I told him to get out.. to leave.. that I didn’t like what he was doing.. I saw it .. but he always talked me down..
WOO HOO…. Yes Oxy! you have them pegged as well… I have said it so eloquently… its all just for show… they messed up two of their own kids…. not going to mess with mine…..shallow can be learned and its even worse when you try to hide and cover it up with degree’s etc… us peasants are nice and normal the ones with the fancy upbringings can be narc/p’s/as’s just like anyone else…..
I just need to hunker down and go NC completely… change #’s emails addy etc…. why oh why did I not go with my own instincts when I did notice the behaviors… why did I always go back ? lack of self esteem/confidence ? in my own instincts well its better to be a late bloomer! I did not want to see it denial I guess.. hope faith … never fall in love with someones potential especially if they never grow up!!!
LOL Thanks for the support…. as always ! hugs!!!!! =) we need to create that PUKE ICON SOON!!!!!
Dear Style,
I think what you were feeling was more PITY than compassion, and his FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) hooked you in to the “caretaker” mode where you started assuming HIS RESPONSIBILITIES of caring for his mother.
YOU saw his mother was neglected and said something about it, but HE brushed this off with “reassurance” she was “Okay” and you bought that lie because he was “love bombing” you….then when the TRUTH came out (maybe even after he had moved into your house) you didn’t ACT on the knowledge of the truth immediately.
I’ve been there, Style, I’ve let people (not romantic relationships, but “friends”) L,ITERALLY MOVE IN ON ME, and felt too much PITY for the (self-caused) situations they were in financially to “throw them out on the street with no where to go”—they COUNT on this PITY keeping us guilted into providing for them what they should be providing for themselves if they didn’t have a dupe (us) to provide it for them,but we do RESENT doing it because in our HEARTS we KNOW that they are not our responsibility….so on it goes, round and round until we live in resentment doing for them, or we finally get a gut full, throw a fit and throw them out.
That is called ENABLING, and it always causes resentment on the part of the enabler because of its UNFAIRNESS but jeven the enabled person resents us because we are doing for them, and it is “never just how the want it” no matter what we do.
I have now found that I have learned to set boundaries, and one of the first ones I set was telling these “friends” that they had to LEAVE HERE, “IT JUST ISN’T WORKING” (in those very words) They never even asked “WHY, what have we done?” They knew it was coming sooner or later.
Setting that first boundary and STICKING TO IT was so difficult for me. I cried cause I didn’t “want to hurt their feelings”—CRAP! Why would I care about hurting their feelings, they had STOMPED on mine, moved into my space and taken over, treating me like the interlolper in my own space. Living here like Lords with me the poor relative that they allowed to stay on their charity!
The experience of setting and maintaining that boundary though, made me realize the feelings that HIGHLIGHT when you are in one of those relationships, assuming responsibility for someone else’s needs, and putting your own needs subservient to them. When I get that feeling now, I STOP and say to myself–WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY IS THIS? then if it is not mine, I put the responsibility for it back on them.
I set the boundary and enforce it. If they run over the boundary, I don’t need them in my life. And NO GUILT goes along with it either. No tears, no feeling nI could have done more, or should have done more for them. Compassion, but NO PITY. I’m learning to have compassion for people, but UNlearning “pity” which is NOT the same as compassion.
I expect others to care for their own responsibilities and not depend on me for what they can and should provide for themselves. I expect adults to not have to have me remind them to do the basics of adult life. I wouldn’t put up with that kind of behavior from my adult sons, so why would I feel guilty about confronting the same behavior from a “friend” (who isn’t a friend)?
Using these events and relationships as a CLASSROOM to teach ourselves what we need to alter in our way of thinking to help keep us safe from some of the mistakes we made in judgment and action in the past (having too much pity for one) and not putting the responsibility for their lives back where it belongs in THEIR HANDs etc. In the future we can make better, wiser choices and not let our emotions and caregiving tendencies get us deeply embroiled with peoople who are actually users and frankly mooches.
When someone is asking or demanding that you do something for them, and you feel resentment at the prospect of doing this. STOP and listen to your GUT! It is trying to tell you something.
Hang in there and keep on reading and learning! It starts out about THEM but becomes about US, and that is when we really make significant progress in healing.
Good morning everyone!
catherine; wonderful words to remember! let the pain roll over you, embrace it, welcome it. I have done this because I find that on the other side is ME and I like me more and more each day. I am so happy for you! Thank you for sharing.
osaat-There IS magic. For me, it was magic just to have my eyes opened to what my ex Path was really all about. I use the serenity prayer a lot;
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Boy, do I ever understand your frustration though. I have been there many times.
Spirit, you are more than welcome. You help a lot of others on here simply by sharing. I had plenty of messages from his family. Six months after we met, we flew (I paid for the tickets) to meet his family. His nickname was “Nixon” Hello! Wake up! I CHOSE not to listen. I somehow thought I was the one he wouldn’t hurt. Somehow he wouldn’t lie, cheat or steal. I really believed his BS that he had finally grown up. All these years later of course I know that’s an insane thought. I wouldn’t trust him to go to the bathroom alone(not like I would go with him). In all of this he blew my dreams all to hell and back and today I have new dreams that I trust in and know will happen with a lot of work and faith.
When I was pregnant with our son, I had a bad fall. I called him (he was in school at the time) and told him I had to go to the hospital. He showed up 4 HOURS LATER. He had finished his class and stopped to get something to eat. To this day, that one eats at me a little. I would have jumped in the car and been there in 20 minutes. Guess who was embarrassed by his behavior? Not him! Me. I think when it comes to red flags, they can almost make us color blind if we allow it. Today, I’m not color blind.
Ox, I laughed so hard my butt fell off and I had to go find it when I read about your cat. I chose the name “Cat” for LF because cats have an uncanny ability to know what is coming, like storms, etc… They also see things we don’t and are aware of much more than I was for a very long time. You made my day with this one. 🙂
What IS it with people and cell phones and emails? I received a text from my sister the other day that said.”Now do I have to be ready to get —– out of jail again or are you 2 back to being a couple?” I did respond and told her, “Neither. We are NOT nor will we ever be a couple and if he goes to jail, it’s your choice to bail him out.” This is the only contact I’ve had with her as she has been sold a bill of goods by my ex Path and I understand how he could do that to her, yet I can’t have her in my life right now. She’s as toxic as he is. I am ready to change my cell phone, home phone and business phone as well. Whatever it takes.
Ox, I have never heard of the FOG and it’s meaning, but I really like that! Makes sense to me. Pity is a weapon my ex path uses on a regular basis. It’s a tool they use. He’s used it with me and others and since we are always the NICE ones, the ones who try to please the world, mine got away with a lot. He’s still using it with family members, but that’s out of my hands as I’ve written about in the post above.
style, your words tell MY story. I made my ex P. look very, very good. He dressed better than he ever had, lived in houses nicer than he had ever had and drove a great car, mine. I call them spiritual vampires. They take our energy, time, money, our soul if we let them. They drain us dry and then when they’ve taken it all, they look elsewhere. I told him, to his face at one point, that I saw this and understood it. He HATED that. It was truth, his truth and he didn’t like being found out. He wasn’t sorry by any means that he had done all of this. He was sorry someone had pegged him. I got that too.
Ox, I love what you said about enabling. It is so true! He really did end up resenting me because I did all the giving and also pegged him. Enabling is part of co-dependency and I am working on that every day. I’ve come to see my part in it. I read as much as I can and I know this is something that will take a VERY long time.
Oxy,
Yes.. it was pity, not really obligation and not really guilt..
and I think the pity that I felt blocked attraction to him.. as I saw him as needy in too many areas..
but as all of us get older.. we have things in our lives.. I am fortunatein that my Dad is self-sufficent .. but helping with his mother wasn’t that bad.. but it was like it never ended.. with the mother molested daughter,, the child with cancer.. the ex’s kid with mental issues.. on going.. people in his life thrusted into mine where I had none of this in my life..
I feel confused at just now.. as he wasn’t as bad as most.. and I am feeling lonely.. like maybe, I expect too much…
And get this my friends come to me for advice because I am so ‘together’… many are in bad marriages or not so good ones and just stay because they are afraid to be alone.. I have been alone for years.. and get out of things that don’t work.. I have been hurt but have never settled.. and I watch women settle and settle…but they have okay lives… I look like I have it all.. and I think that is what attracts these men… A pschologist once told me that I attract playboys but it doesn’t work becasue I am too intelligent.. so I am screwed.. this last man ‘seemed’ to get a side of me.. but I felt used…and like something was off.. it was too contrived and I didn’t feel loved on a deep level..
I just don’t get what this is all about any more…
As the song goes I would rather be alone ! than UNHAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FREEDOM FEELS SOOOOOO GOOD dosent it!!!!!!