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By | September 9, 2009 459 Comments

After the sociopath is gone: You’re worth it!

In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.

It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.

In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.

When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”

Hah! Face it. He lied.

Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.

So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”

And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”

Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.

It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.

When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.

He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.

When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.

Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.

And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.

In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.

I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.

In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.

He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.

There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.

He is the lie and I am free.

He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.

Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.

In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.

Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.

And I’m worth a lot.

So are you.

I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!

So do you!


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Quote: “When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game ….”

The day I realized this, part of me died…and part of me wanted to live again. To prove out of nothing, I am something.

Another good one, MLG!

Stargazer

I recall for the short time I was with the P, there was a lot of drama, a lot of waiting, and a lot of rationalizing (on my part). I thought at that time that it was okay to have a little drama in my boring life because that’s what happens when you love someone–people come with baggage, right? I thought his drama would end soon because that is what he told me. It took 2-1/2 months to figure out he was stringing me along and go NC. It took even longer to realize the extent of his lies. I am happy to report a conspicuous lack of drama in my life these days. Quiet and peaceful, even though not always happy. My relationships–the ones that matter–are all authentic. I am left with the awareness that there really are evil people in the world. I know how they operate, and I know the signs. I feel it is my responsibility to educate people when appropriate and to warn them. But the sociopath no longer has an emotional grip on me.

Hecates path

Wow… just Wow. That sure is some powerful writing and insight. Thank you for sharing that one, M.L (it’s Louise, right?) … just what I needed to hear, especially the following two excerpts:

“Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ’love forevermore'”
and
“When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle ”“ because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.”

It’s like you went inside my head and gave order and meaning to feelings/experiences/beliefs that are usually tumbling kaleidoscope like around in my head. wow.

I also really appreciated the link someone posted on another thread about stockholm syndrome… that really gave me some thoughts to ponder, not just regard to myself but to the assortment of victims the S/N/Borderline has left in his path… including his children, bless their hearts, who are the poster children for the cognitive dissonance as a survival mode/skill… so sad.

HP

PInow

This was so beautiful. Thank you for committing your thoughts to this blog. I felt as if you were telling me my own story. As I read, I was filled with my own reflections, memories of what it was going to be, but never was, empty promises that permeated in the air, and my own solitude as I continued to rationalize, feeling alone, but at the same time enjoying the company.

Thank you for sharing.

breckgirl

This line is the heartbreak and the joy – it is the key to my freedom —-> I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.

AND THIS THAT FOLLOWS:

In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.

Beautifully put – it is the accepting of reality – I had to force myself to accept reality and it was hard at first and then slowly but surely I came to crave it.

sstiles54

MLG,
I second the WOW! I have been so down lately, this was truly a thought provoking article. I think the thing that has left me so paralyzed, is the illusion that he actually needed me. I wrote in another thread that I feel that I am no longer needed by anyone. My kids are grown, now, no longer need me to fix their scraped knees, & tell them there are no monsters under the bed. part of my problem may be that the year he left me for his OW, was also the year my youngest started college. I kind of got a double whammy that year. I am left with fear, no self esteem, & loneliness. I hate feeling this way. I sound like a whiny kid.

Ox Drover

Great article Louise, as always!

Focusing on the positives in our lives, being grateful for the good things we still have, and realizing that the “mirage” was just that—like a hologram, no substance, just an image.

Thanks!

skylar

When I was a little kid my brother was my idol. He was 1 year older, rambunctious, a bully at school and always teasing me, manipulating my emotions. Now he is a horrible P.

There was a bully in my class too. Everyone was afraid of him, as was I, but I also had a little secret crush on him. 15 years later I saw him at church on Christmas Eve. Probably not a P.

I believe I have an attraction to the “tragic” part of P’s. You know, the little boy crying out for attention. I feel I can relate to that wounded aspect of him. If there was anything that “attracted” me to my P it was that and I believe it is still the part of me that wants to “save” him. Sick huh?

I even felt it very briefly for the GR killer. For a moment I sensed a lost little boy. He seemed younger than he was. Not his face but his demeanor.

I think that focusing on others’ needs keeps me from having to look at my own. I wish I had as much compassion for myself as I do for other people.

skylar

As far as loving him, it took me 10 years to realize I was addicted to coffee. He bought me an epresso every day when we first met and I associated my caffeine buzz with love. It feels exactly the same as loving a P. But in the end they both make you crash.

I made the mistake of telling him, in front of some friends, that I fell in love with caffeine, not him. I often speak without thinking – it’s one of the benefits of not being a liar! LOL!

Anyway, in retrospect, it must’ve caused quite a narcissistic injury!

jillsmith

I needed to read this today. I find myself still struggling with the things my ex-husband, who was diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder, said to me and about me.

A mutual friend recently sent me a copy of an instant messaging conversation he had with my ex-husband. He also told me a numerous conversations he’s had with other people who my ex has contacted concerning me.

I’m not in contact with very many people I have known throughout my life anymore, since I left my ex, out of fear of him using these people to find me, as he already has done. I’m tired of moving. I had a life that was full and rich because of my very close relationships with family and friends that I have always maintained. The few people I have stayed in touch with have passed on the lies my ex tells about me. I have never once attempted to “clear my name” with my family members and many of my friends to tell them the truth. I’m torn about this decision I have made though. He still has all of his “friends”. I don’t have hardly any now. I was the one with friends and he was the lonely one. How cleverly he turned the tables. I’m just not a competitive type about anything and gossiping and getting people to hate someone is the last thing I would be competitive about. I won’t play his game because it’s against everything I am as a person, even if I am the one speaking the truth. I’ve just let it all go, or at least I try to do so.

I want to just shrug my shoulders and say to myself, “If they want to believe those lies, then that’s their problem,” and just move on with my life. I wish I could do that. I do just move on with my life, out of necessity for rasising my baby on my own, but I can’t just shrug it off that easily.

I don’t know for sure that many of the people I loved believed any of these lies, but I feel that some might, as that would explain their lack of emotional support when I reached out to them in the beginning, when I first was thinking about leaving and when I left. I only reached out to a couple of people I knew and loved, but their lack of understanding crushed me at the time. I had nowhere to go and I was pregnant. I know some of it was my own fault for having “no contact”, but that was to be safe and I was following advice I was given by my therapist.

I just don’t know what to do now. Do I write them a letter, explaining the whole truth to them? Will it do any good? I just miss my friends and family so badly. I hate that he “took them”. I keep waiting for enough time to pass that my ex will stop trying to find me and spreading things about me, but this has not happened yet. I don’t know how many years it will take him to let it go. I

n the meantime, my self-esteem has been crushed because I think that so many people might think these things about me. Some of them are the most ridiculous lies that I have ever heard of that were made up from the sky. Others have a small merit of truth to get people to believe him. You see, they are all Mormon and I left the Mormon church because I don’t believe it has healthy ethics and it covers up abuse, among many doctrinal concerns. For those of you who know anything about Mormons, you will know that choosing to become an ex-Mormon makes many people become disowned by their family. I had worked very hard at keeping my close relationships with many family members and friends through this process. He did what he knew (he’s Mormon himself) would work with them, as they were already disappointed in my leaving this church. It was amazing and sad to see how easily his tactics worked. He completely alienated me from my family and friends and that was followed up by my “disappearing” while pregnant and maintaining “no contact”. From what I can gather from my few trusted sources is that this just made them suspicious of me and believe him more. And they never even met him!

He has contacted every family member, friend and ex-boyfriend I have ever had and distorted anything I might have ever said about those loved ones, to get information out of them, by making them mad at me. They have all been told horrible things I never said about them, playing on “weaknesses” that they confided to me in that my husband knew about just because he was paying attention to anything I ever said about anyone I knew. I found a long, complex table with many graphs, documenting people I know and details about them on his computer, a while back. He even records phone conversations he has with these people.

The rough part is that even though I know these things to be lies, just knowing loved ones believe them, has crushed my spirit. I know these things are not true, but what difference does it make if the people I love most believe them to be true? I’ve seen how easily he manipulated my family into believing him and I’ve always been such a good daughter, sister and aunt. It scares me how easily he might be able to manipulate our son someday. I just want him to disappear!

He was smart about how to try to ruin me because everyone who knew me knows that my relationships I have with loved ones is what I value most in life. I never missed an opportunity to show or tell someone of my love for them. I didn’t fight with family or friends and had good, healthy relationships. I prided myself in this. He knew that was how to get at me and it still hurts so much. I realize that each time I think about this and hurt, I’m letting him win. That doesn’t stop the pain though. It’s so raw and I lost my family and friends to this man 2 years ago.

I just can’t understand why lies someone says about me would hurt my self-esteem, but they do. They replay in my head over and over until I feel like I’m the crazy one. It was nice to read this article to see that other people deal with this issue too. I feel less alone.

kim frederick

Wow, Jill. I’m so sorry your Xxp had such far reaching influence on your freinds and loved ones. They ( the P’s) are so vengful, and hateful, and mean spirited! I would like to say,”just let it go and move on,” but everyone deserves to have their family’s love and support. Did I understand you to say that you’ve never really tried to explain yourself to them, and that you aren’t really sure if they’ve turned away from you? Well, how do you know if you haven’t tried? On the other hand, it doesn’t sound like they were really there for you from the beginning, if they could turn their backs on you when you needed them the most! I”m also not sure if it’s safe for you to contact them. Would they “inform” your x about your location, and anything else you might tell them! These are things that you need to think about. If you feel safe, I would put forth the effort, but understand that you might be dissapointed, and if your are DON’T BLAME YOURSELF! Furthar more, you might find a great deal of comfort in finding yourself another church. It sounds as if that sort of thing has played a big role in your life. Don’t let him steal your faith, girl. And Im glad you’re here. God bless.

jillsmith

This really is full of insight! I read your words a second time and got even more out of it. I am making the goal of getting to this point in my recovery. My recovery process has been very slow. I think it’s because I went back to him for a few days in the middle of the process. It kind of started me back at ground zero. It feels like a hole that I’m constantly trying to dig out of and with all of the time and therapy, I don’t really think I’ve made much progress. I’m going to learn from your progress though and the progress of others on the board to know that it is possible to get to this point and that it is a good goal to have. May I ask how long ago you left?

I remember one therapy counseling session when my therapist was trying to explain that she didn’t think I was really in love with him, but just the idea of who I thought he was and who he protrayed himself to be. I insisted that I really loved him and I reflected on this therapy session and tried to understand the point my therapist was making. I didn’t think another person could judge whether someone was or was not in love with someone. I felt that love is real and organic and is not less real because someone ended getting hurt. What I didn’t know much about and my therpist knew a lot about (she’s a Victims of Violence therapist) is Sociopaths. This was more than the average hurt someone goes through at the end of a relationship. Everything about him was a lie. He knew how to present himself in a way to get whatever he wanted from me. I have to remember that I was nothing more than something to fill up his life with for a little while, as he was always bored. He grew bored of me too, after a very short time. Marriage didn’t mean anything to him. Having a baby with a wife meant nothing at all. He couldn’t care less about his own child and even admitted that to me. He’d tried to hurt our child during an attack while I was pregnant (it’s what caused me to leave him). How could someone like that even know what love is? I think I’m finally beginning to see my therapist’s point, through your words, which are helping to look at all this mess from a more clear perspective. I can see that it wasn’t doing me any good to think I was in love with him. It wasn’t noble and this wasn’t Romeo and Juliet. Almost as tragic, but without any of the romance. I can’t romaticize him anymore. It’s sick and I need to get past obsessing over what he is or isn’t doing and get on with MY life. Thank you for sharing this.

skylar

Jill, so sorry about your troubles.
My exP also decided that spreading lies about me would be a fun way to destroy me. Some people in my neighborhood won’t even LOOK at me and I don’t know why. LOL. They are P’s so I don’t care.

What I DO know is that he used to say “I’m tired of your GOD-like ways!” and “You think you’re a saint”. Another time he told me that he went to the neighbors and told them that I AM a saint because I volunteered to do so much work for our community organization. A year later I asked them if he said that, and they said, “Noooo…. he didn’t say THAT”. So I know he told them that I THINK I’m a saint.
These neighbors hate me now too.

So, my point to you is this:
I’m not as “saintly” a person as my exP thinks I am, only compared to him, I am. They envy goodness. Your exP sees your goodness and wants to take it away but he can’t so instead he takes it away in the eyes of others.

the 8th beatitude says:

“Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” Matthew 5:10

So even if you are NOT a saint, your XP just made you one in the eyes of God! Cool huh? REJOICE!

You know what else? He did you a favor because now you know what kind of people they are that would believe lies and gossip. That is very important information for you to have.

Last of all, I know you are tired and weary but we must spread the word about P’s. So get some copies of, “Why is it always about you?” Go speak with the people that it is important to you to keep as friends. Tell them that you have something to tell them, but they will only understand if they read this book. When they finish the book, tell them what has happened to you.

neveragain

Very powerful post…you can tell because everyone has a different favorite part. Mine is:

He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.

There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.

SOOOO true! Thank you!

Ox Drover

Dear Jill,

I was wondering where you were, how you are and how things were going for you. I knew you were afraid of him, and afraid of him hurting your baby. I hope you are safe. You are continually in my prayers for your safety and healing. (((hugs)))) Oxy

swallow

Great post that sums up very well the insanity of a relationship with a P and that recovery is indeed possible, however distant that seems at times.

For Jill – it is three years on for me and I have been through every emotional rollercoaster possible. I live in a small town and have had to contend with the propaganda machine, gossip and the pain of having friends who want to believe the lies.
Recovery means finding a way of giving your emotions a rest. Your mind is on full alert, adrenaline pumping every hour of the day and you need to switch off every connection to him in order for that to stop. Every lie you hear will reconnect you, every gram of information you have about him will ignite all those smouldering emotions. I’ve learned that the hard way. I have asked my friends that I do not wish to hear anymore on that subject and anyone connected or in contact with my P is off limits. It sounds brutal but it has made me so much happier.
One other thing that helped me is finally understanding the way a psychopath thinks and that what he did to me was not personal. I know that sounds ridiculous but it is true. I was just a number to him, one of many. It had nothing to do with me as a bad and flawed person. I was just one of those unlucky enough to cross his path and be targeted. At the time I did not have the knowledge to protect myself. If you can see your situation this way too, it may help to relieve you of the agonising self doubt P’s use to turn us on ourselves.
Hope this helps and I wish you strength and peace of mind.
Swallow

I’m finding that my family are also prone to being targeted by sociopaths. My family have been manipulated I am starting to feel pangs of protectiveness towards my brothers who have crushed me by believing the allegations made by 2 female sociopaths. I was alarmed they should even begin to suspect me of lie x, lie y, lie z.

If we have been deceived, there is every chance a sociopath deceives the loved ones of the target. It worked with us, and it works with the people we care about. Just totally different dynamics – they’re not receiving malice, they’re effectively tools to spread the socipaths’ malice. They use people. Full stop.

My elder sister’s husband whom I believe to be a sociopath (3 failed marriages to his name. His last wife screaming YOU MURDERER! as she left him.) is doing exactly what your ex is doing, jillsmith. In the process who is nudging him along nicely but my sociopath sister who’ll be loving every second of the marriage breakup. They have holidays in the country together. Interesting turn of events as the ex disliked S sister, calling her vacuous, cold, shallow and empty. She’s come in very useful nowadays..

PS. How does one keep track of all one’s comments around the board. A seach on my username doesn’t bring up all my posts. Thanks in advance.

PPS I seriously love this site (simple easy on the eye format). I found it too painful to read, suffering PTSD each time I attempted to read. Annoying as I needed validation, but the reactive depression set in. I’ve been back on this site for a few consecutive days and feeling stronger and in control. It takes time to heal from the grief, humiliation, anger and acceptance. It’s one year since I made the first few steps researching the abuser’s mind. It’s been just 6 months since I began the healing process by speaking out to trusted individuals and a doctor. Most encouraging is to have 5 people validate me through their own experience with the same person. Unsurprisingly these people own: compassion, tact, integrity, emotional intelligence, selflessness, depth and a soul.

Anyway, back to my original question.

jillsmith

Outlier,

I know exactly what you mean about the PTSD issues when coming to this site. The validation helps me so much, but I do end up feeling triggered and a bit depressed sometimes. That is why I stayed away from this site for a couple of months. I needed a couple of good months to just put all of this aside and focus on having a fun summer with my baby. He needed that. He can tell when I’m not fully present or am stressed. Little ones are so tuned into these emotions.

I know that I can’t just keep shoving these emotions aside. I guess I’m just at a loss for how to deal with this. I don’t feel that group therapy or individual therapy is helping. Maybe I’d be worse off without it. I know that dealing with these things and this site help, but they don’t feel like they help.

I don’t want to sound like I don’t appreciate this site. I appreciate it so much. I just don’t appreciate my emotions. ha. Anyway, I can relate to you, Outlier. Now I have decided to only come on this site when I’m in an incredibly good mood and while my baby is asleep.

jillsmith

Dear Oxy,

Thank you very much for your thoughts and prayers. I have not been in contact with anyone this summer. I was just trying to put all of this out of my mind and have a good summer with my baby. I opted not to move out of the country with my close friend. It just felt like too much to put a baby through. He’s already been through so much because of his dad. At some point, I’ve got to stop running from his dad, because the lack of stability is effecting his development. It’s hard because I have to outweigh this by his safety. I’m told that his dad just spent anouther few thousand on a new private investigator. I just get so tired of staying safe and keeping my son safe. This hypervigilance is exhausting and I need a break of some kind from this. I can’t see a break anywhere though. This is my life now and I need to just accept it. Before my ex, I loved life and enjoyed it. I had so much to offer a baby. I feel that I’m stripped of this and have no zeal or lust for life now. I just go through the motions, day after day after day. I feel so sad that my baby is being ripped off. He’s getting the worst of me, not the best. I was also robbed of so much with him. I recognize this, so I do my best to create joy and fun activities for my son. However, I’m faking it and I worry that having a mother that is constantly battling PTSD and depression will effect him. All I can do is just keep going and doing my very best and maybe I’ll be able to find happiness again. I stopped breastfeeding so that I can try medication. Maybe that will help. I dont’ know.

Anyway, that sums up how I’m doing. I guess that is pretty much the same as how I was doing before. I find it difficult to reach out to people because I don’t want to be a “downer”. I also no longer have the energy to be fake to people because I am learning not to be a pleaser so much and to make them think I’m fine, just so they’ll feel fine. So, I just keep to myself, which I know isn’t helping. Basically, I’m stuck.

I hope you are doing well and that you had a great summer.

jillsmith

Swallow,

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this too. I think your situation sounds so much worse because you live in the same town as these people. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and others. It helps. Good luck with everything.

jillsmith

Hello Kim,

Yes, you are understanding correctly that I have not spoken to my family much in a couple of years. In fact, I spoke to my dad a couple of months ago and he is the only family member that I have spoken to in the past couple of years. I had gone that whole time without talking to him.

Originally, I explained everything to my family, but they thought it was “stupid to leave my husband while pregnant”. They also think that divorce is a sin and that I was doing something worse by leaving my husband and raising a child as a single mom, than my ex was in abusing me. I shouldn’t have been surprised, as my family has a long history of ignoring abuse.

I agree with your thoughts completely. I deserve a family and part of me thinks that I should try to explain things to them again and the other part of me thinks that I should just count my losses and realize they weren’t healthy relationships for me anyway. I still love and miss my family terribly though, even if their belief system is completely dysfunctional. They’re still my family and they’re still my son’s family. I’m making a decision that is robbing my son of any other family, besides me. Maybe that’s a good decision and maybe it’s not. I wish I had a Magic 8 ball to know. That’s the hardest part about raising a child on my own, I think. All the decisions are mine alone to make, without a spouse or even a parent to give advice. When I ask my therapist or even a domestic violence advocate for advice, they’re trained to say, “That’s not my place to tell you. You need to figure that out for yourself.” I understand the reasons why they do this and I think it’s good, but it still leaves me alone in making my family’s decisions. That is something so great about this board. At least I can get some advice. I’m not just going to do anything anyone says, but I still like to listen to other people’s advice and weigh in when making my decisions. So, thanks for your point of view and for sharing your outlook and experiences.

I just think this whole thing is so beyond my family’s capacity to understand. It hurts that they weren’t there for me and were so angry that I left my husband while I was pregnant. My dad still does not get that it was marrying my ex that was stupid, not leaving him. In his world where divorce is the most evil thing I could do, this will never make sense to him. I don’t mean this to sound offensive towards Mormons, but I really do feel that his religious beliefs make him very limited in his ability to understand abuse and sociopaths. He would just rather have everything in his life look good and to put a smile on his face, while shrugging everything off that doesn’t seem pleasant. I feel that the whole Mormon culture is this way.

My family kept saying, “How can he be a Sociopath if has a successful job? He can’t be that bad. He has a PhD and he’s Mormon!” As if being Mormon and receiving a PhD make someone immune to being evil. It was so exasperating trying to explain it to them. They are so driven by appearances, money, status and religion.

I just couldn’t get through to them and so they cooperated in giving my ex information about me that he tried to twist around in court when I was trying to uphold my Order of Protection against him. I told my dad about all of this a couple of months ago and he was outraged (finally!!) at my ex for saying these things in court. I had believed my ex in court, but my dad claims that the things my ex said are lies and that he and my brothers never said the things about me that my ex claimed they did in court. I do believe my dad and am relieved they did not say these things, but I also don’t think they know enough about Sociopaths to stay away from my ex and to not make the same mistakes with him again. I had told them not to ever talk to him and to just hang up when he called back then, as my therapist advised me to do. They ignored this and kept talking to him behind my back, thinking they could “fix it”. They don’t realize how he lies and twists information, so as long as I tell them information about my life, I have to know that it will go straight into my ex’s ears.
They sympathized with them and they would do it again. He’s good at making people feel sorry for him. He still has managed to look like the victim in many people’s eyes. “Poor me. My wife, who I loved so much, left me out of the blue, for no reason, while she was pregnant. It must have been her hormones. I’m such a victim. Wahhh. Wahhh. Poor, poor me. I think she’s such a bad person who did such a bad, immoral thing because she left the church. . .We should pray for her.” That is the kind of thing that he passes on. Then, he’ll add something crazy like, “This is so out of character for her. Maybe she’s on drugs.”

Then, my whole Mormon family panics. Afterall, they are told that this is what will happen to Mormons who leave the faith. They are convinced that every Mormon who stops believing stopped receiving “revelation” because they are sinning. This must mean that I was sleeping around and doing drugs. I’ve been through this with them before. When I told them I no longer believed in the Mormon faith, they immediately started asking if I was having sex, doing drugs, or “watching rated R movies. It’s just how their minds work. In the meantime, I didn’t sleep around with anyone., ever! I have the same morals as I did while Mormon, but now I OWN these morals. I do what I do because I choose to live my life this way, not because someone else told me I have to live this way. I don’t and never have tried drugs. I don’t even drink! Anyway, that’s a lot of information on my family, but it might help to shed some light on whether or not they are healthy to have in my life and my son’s life.

Thanks for “listening” to my long post. What are your thoughts?

jillsmith

Skylar,

Thanks for your thoughts and for sharing your experiences. It looks like this is a common theme for Sociopaths to turn people’s family and friends against them.

I think you’re right in that the Sociopaths resent goodness in people and try to take it from them and when they can’t, they try to make it look like the person isn’t good. Now, the trick is for me to still feel good and feel like a good person when I feel so ruined.

Ox Drover

Dear Jillsmith,

Unfortunately Mormons are NOT the only people who judge others by their own religion and condemn anyone who does nto believe as they do as a “sinner.” My own maternal family was that way, and it is their way or go to hell.

Resolving this in my own mind, and realizing that I DO believe in a loving God but NOT in their “hell fire and brimstone” “god” is a relief for me, really, and my faith and my spirituality have grown so much since I got out of the belief I was “raised” in. I know it is tough to overcome the early programming that we have been given but i am glad that you are managing to find your OWN SPIRITUAL PATH and that you are NOT staying in an abusive relationship to give in to other people’s pressure.

Having a “family” for support is a wonderful thing, but when our family does NOT support us in the healthy way that we need, breaking away from that leaves a void in us until we are able to fill that void, and I have confidence that YOU WILL. I think you are an extremely intelligent young woman and right now you have a heavy burden to bear being a single parent, and trying to heal yourself as well.

Your concerns for your baby show that you are thinking and planning and trying to do the very best for your son that you can do to keep him safe. SAFETY is first and foremost in my mind when it comes to dealign with a psychopath, and believe me I can related to your TIREDNESS with living in hypervigilence. It totally wears us out physically and emotionally and mentally. My own son, C., who is a bit over 2 years out from his attempted murder by his x-wife and her P-BF is still hypervigilent, though he has improved a great deal.

He left this area for about 18 months and then came home to live with his brother and me, didn’t work for 6 months, but has gone back to work about 4 months ago, and is steadily improving on the “two steps forward, one step back” path that we all seem to travel on. But with love, understanding, and support, he is making progress and now doesn’t “freak out” any time he hears a car back fire, or a vehicle drives up in the yard, and is sleeping through the night, has only had 2 migraines in 10 months instead of two a week, etc. It takes TIME to over come the effects (physical and psychological) of STRESS that is unremitting for months or years on end.

My suggestion is to keep changes to a minimum if you are able, and to keep coming here, reading and learning, and receiving validation and support from the great group of folks here. Healing is a journey not a destination, so there will always be room for growth and new learning and new insights.

While your baby may not have the “ideal” of two wonderful parents, I can tell you one thing, HE DOES HAVE ONE WONDERFUL, CARING PARENT!!! THAT’S YOU!!! Fortunately, little babies are not as fragile as we think they are, and they do pretty doggone well if they have a consistent loving presence in their lives and your son has that!!!!

Many of us here have had to leave behind dysfunctional or toxic family members, and that leaves a void where we thought those people “belonged” but building NEW FAMILIES, and NEW friends is possible and I think that many of us are doing just that. Even starting out here on LF in cyberspace is a good step in that direction. Reach out within your circle of TRUST to those people who are supportive and caring, and let those people become your son’s new family. He is better off not learning from dysfunctional people who condemn anyone who doesn’t agree with their religious views or sweep abuse under the rug…..but just like dog doo if swept under the rug, it keeps on STINKING. Your son doesn’t deserve that and neither do you! (Hugs))) and always my prayers to a loving and caring God!

jillsmith

Oxy,

Thank you so much for your words. I really appreciate your perspective on babies and how they overcome things with love.

I have been wondering how you are doing and how your son is doing. It’s good he’s making progress.

I think it’s good advice to keep changes to a minimum right now. That has been my instinct lately.

Good point about the poo! Same thing happens if I don’t run my son’s diaper right outside to the trash the second I change him. Now I’m going to compare that diaper to the crap my family put me through. ha.

I’m impressed you found more spirituality after leaving your religion. I have not gotten to that point. I miss the sense of spirituality I had. I know I believe in God and I pray to Him, but I don’t feel spiritual like I used to when I was Mormon. I miss worshipping with other people, but have been so scared of religion after what I went through in the Mormon church. I wish I could tap into that spiritual energy on my own and I wish I had the close relationship with God again. I try, but I think I feel like such a failure lately that my poor self-esteem is getting in the way of my spirituality. Does that make sense?

Anyway, thank you so much for your responses. I always learn so much from you and end up feeling much better about myself through your kind words. It means a lot to me. You’re awesome! 🙂

fooledagain

Wonderful! Thank You!

Ox Drover

Dear Jill,

“Religion” and spirituality are NOT the same. “Religion” is only the OUTWARD part of being spiritual. There are plenty of people who “have religion’ but have NO spirituality. some of the WORST psychopaths pretend to have “religion” and a “moral code” but like your X, being “Mormon” doesn’t make him have any morals or any spiritual connection to anything outside himself.

Plenty of people who ARE spiritual also profess a “religion” but just sitting in a church doesn’t make you a Christian any mroe than sitting in a chicken house makes you lay eggs! The FAKE MASK OF RELIGION is one that many psychopaths use to cover their EVIL NATURES, but it does not mean that all people who have religion and are spiritual besides are fakes, only SOME. Even the Bible says that there will be FALSE PROPHETS come among the christians and lead some astray.

Look back at that article I wrote about “Reverend” Tony alamo, if ever there was a FALSE PROPHET he is/was one. Some of the people who followed him I believe are very sincere, but that doesn’t mean HE IS ANYTHING BUT A FAKE.

Your spirituality and your belief in God is between YOU and GOD not what someone else says you “should” believe. I had alway read the Bible but I “read it” with the prejudices of my early “religious teaching” and after i saw how false that was, I started reading the Bible with a DIFFERENT EYE, and I saw things in the Bible that opened my eyes to a different spiritual feeling. Jesus said “where there are two or three of you gathered together, there I am also”—you and your baby are “two” and you and your child can worship together as a family. You can pray, and believe me I totally believe that as the book of Romans says “all things work together for good to those that love God.” sometimes it is in GOD’s timie, not ours, and sometimes “bad” things happen that later on down the line turn out to have been blessings from God.

Personally, anything that got you away from your X is a GOOD thing. So, times are tough now, but you are away from that EVIL MONSTER of a “human being.” Even if YOU are the ONLY one in the world that knows he is evil, that is ENOUGH.

Back in the days when people thought that the world was flat, it did NOT change the truth even though 100% of the people thought it was true. TRUTH is not “fluid” it is FACT. YOU are able to validate your own truth, and do not have to feel bad because others (family etc) don’t believe you.

I also turned to my church family for validation and they refused to validate me. Recently I turned to another minister that I hoped would listen and help me stop my egg donor (she is NOT a mother, as that term is earned) from sending money to my P-son so he can mount another attack on me in the future. The man listened, but DID NOTHING. I sent him a letter yesterday “thanking” him for listening, but NICELY telling him that the very “christians” I had depended on to help me in my hour of need had either not listened, or not acted. It was VERY TACTFUL—or as my late husband would have said about being “tactful” it is telling someone to “go to hell” and make them “happy to be on their way.”

Fortunately, I was not emotionally injured by this failure of a minister to act in a Christian way, because I had not trusted that he would, hoped somewhat, but was NOT disappointed or devestated because he didn’t do what he, as a Christian, and as a minister should have done—and that is to comfort those needing help. NO suprise. But that doesn’t make me angry at God because I TRUST that God’s word that HE WILL take care of me, and that everything will work together for my benefit, even if I don’t see it now. My worship and my trust is in my heart, and between me and God, not between me and someone else telling me how I should do or not do things.

I’m sorry your parents assumed if you are not a “good Mormon” that you are a druggie whore and a liar and a bad mother, but just because they believe that, doesn’t make it so. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH, and the “truth will set you free, but first it may pith you off!”

But, you ARE stronger than you know you are, and I have confidence that you will heal, you will take care of your baby. You are TIRED now, but REST and take care of you and your baby, and don’t worry about anyone else. Like “Mandy” here, you are learning great lessons at a younger age than some of the rest of us here! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you sweetie, and your sweet baby! Give him a hug for his Auntie Oxy!

skylar

Jill,
my catholic faith has also been a disappointment to me. One priest was yawning when I was telling him the horror stories of my XP (and anyone who has read my posts here can tell you how hair-raising it was). He just said it happened because we were not married and living in sin. Then I mentioned that we had not had sex for 15 years and he was shocked.
(Like, wait, you’re a priest right? Why is no-sex shocking to you).
He said,”You’ve been living as brother and sister?” LOL. That’s not how I would describe it but whatever floats your boat.

As usual God provided comfort to me: the priest informed me that, had we been married in the Catholic church, we would not be able to divorce in the eyes of God. I would have been doomed to be spiritually married to the P for eternity. The way I saw it, God intervened and saved me.

The second priest freaked out and ran away. Saying, “I’m only a poor parish priest, I don’t know what to tell you!” then got up and left.

People are just not used to hearing the REALITY of life. We got a bucket of cold water thrown in our faces that most people do not have to deal with. But here at LF we all know that once that bucket hits, we are extremely aware of REALITY. We know there are vampires out there everywhere. We are the only ones awake and on guard. We are an different from the others now.

Please, get the books I recommended, “The sociopath next door” and “Why is it always about you?”
They will help you and they will help convince your family.

I still go to mass on sunday because I like the sermons and hope to meet good people, but I do take my “church” and its congregation with a grain of salt. All is not always what it appears.

witsend

Oxy,
I got your reply from yesterday although for the life of me I can’t find what thread it was on! But I did read it last night.

I know you must think I am either hard headed or DENSE….Because you have to repeat this stuff to me so many times….LOL.

But I DO HEAR you…Not only do I hear you but your words “say” to me exactly what the intelligent side of my brain echoes to me….Of course it has taken my “heart” longer to catch up to what my brain has thought for quite awile….

The truth is……….I really DO have that GOD AWFUL realization in my HEART.

For the most part I think I know in my “head” that what is going on with my son isn’t just going to “go away” or get better, or improve……Medications (my last resort to CLING to) are more than likely, not going to improve anything either. (however it IS a glimmer of hope, at least the doctors perspective is to PUSH that)

I have seen the progression with my own eyes. From where it started to where he is now. Because this seemingly came out of nowhere (I didn’t see any disturbing signs before 15 yrs old) it has naturally taken me awile to wrap my brain around this….And of course a mothers heart,…..well it takes much longer.

My heart is catching up with my brain though……I always go “back” to the “medications” because THAT is what the doctor that have talked to me “honestly” (those that even recognize he has a problem) have reccomended.
That I MUST GET him take this medication. Even Dr. Leedom emphasized the importance of this when I spoke with her.

On a personal level, I wanted him to take the medication to PROVE one way or another, if this “distorted thinking” CAN be modified. If he did take the meds for any length of time I could see what “was left”…..In other words what would the drugs “target” (moods, ADHD issues, distorted thinking) and what would they NOT have any impact on…..I also know that the medications might not do any GOOD.

I am a failure in this as I can NOT get him to take these medications. And the more he knows I WANT him to take these meds the less likely he will be to take them. So I have long since given up on even asking him to take them.

LKamienski

Perfect! Well said!

witsend

Oxy,
I ended my above post without finishing what I was trying to say…Because I had to go somewhere, and get there on time.

I guess the medications to me seemed so important because it is part of the process of elimination.

If medication doesn’t correct any part of the “problem”, that in itself speaks volumes. It would be like having any other disease and taking medication to see if this would prove to be helpful.
The short time he was on meds it took the “edge off” of his mood swings. Not alot of improvement but he wasn’t on the full doseage yet either. It is also possible that with time on the meds, there wouldn’t be any more improvement.

Naturally that small, small, glimmer of hope (taking the edge off) was more than I found in any of the other avenues I have taken with trying to get help for this child.

I suppose that is why it is hard for me to just LET it go. I HAVE given up asking him to take the meds because he flatly refuses….
But to be honest if there was a way that I could have them administered to him against his will (until he was of age)….I would do that.

Easy

Witsend

did you see my post to you on Diet & exercise, music ? Meds will only drug him! It’s A life stile change and accountability and responceability that He needs! IMHO

witsend

Easy,
Yes I did see that post. Thank You….

Trust me if someone told me, even 3 years ago that I would be WANTING to medicate my kid….I would have told them that they were NUTS. No way…there are lots of other “avenues” and things to try first.

When my husband commited suicide my doctor wanted to put me on anti depressants and sleeping pills (because I couldn’t sleep). I REFUSED both.
I knew that I WAS “depressed” because of what happened and the pills would not change what happened. I knew I had to FIRST accept what happened, grieve and deal with it, before I could even think of taking meds. Medication at that point in my life, I thought would be more of an “avoidance” of what happened. I needed time to process it and deal with it. Although I was open minded enough to know I might need the meds later after I started the road to recovery, I was adamant about not taking them early on. (I never took the meds later either)

I am NOT a huge advocate of pill pushing or medications if they don’t seem absolutely necessary. In other words I will always pursue other avenues first.

However as my user name implies I am at my WITSEND….

This is not just a teenager in his rebellion years. This is a kid who has possibly more than one disorder. His thinking is VERY distorted. He does not live in reality. What he says is HIS reality and this is in direct CONFLICT of what his actions are.

You would think that because he is 16 years old that you WOULD/SHOULD have some ability to be able to hold him accountable (as a parent) but he disorder is EVERY bit as cunning and baffling as it would be in an adult. And he manipulates and controls every situation just as well as any full blown adult with a personality disorder would do.

I KNOW that is hard to believe, I have trouble believing it myself and I LIVE with it on a daily basis. But it is the “ugly” truth.

A good example would be this….Right now even the LAW is on my side (for 3 more months) that he has to attend school. He can’t quit w/o perental permission until he is 17. However because he doesn’t “want” to go to school and the law (& myself) says he has to, he goes to school and sleeps in every class. (consequently fails every class) THIS is his way of “one upping” the system.

You can take the horse to water but you can’t make him drink. (I take him to school but can’t make him perform once he is there)

If I fed him a diet that he didn’t want he would do one of two things. STARVE himself (I’m NOT kidding, he can get pretty radical) and turn me into the authorities, saying I am not feeding him at all, or he would just simply not eat at home. And use his own money to eat Mc donalds or some other less than desireable junk food.

He DOES have a part time job, and this is the ONE and only thing he does show some responsibility…. AND although this appears on the “outside” to be a GOOD thing I have learned that “money” simply put, is his motivation right at the present moment. It is seasonal work and he can focus just long enough to get “through” the short season. Because to him money is his freedom. He feels “bigger and better” than his friends because they don’t have jobs. It is feeding into his distorted thinking and NOT teaching him the responsibility that you normally find when teenagers have their first jobs.

PERSONALLY I believed much of what that you said…..TWO years ago….Well if I do this, change this, try this….Blah, Blah….
It doesn’t work. Any more than if you tried giving an adult with a personality disorder/mood disorder, a different diet, more exercise, calming music. I can’t MAKE him listen to my choice of music for him anymore than I can MAKE him perform in school unfortunately.

He doesn’t believe he has a problem. He passes blame, he lies, he has NO concept of reality, he has distorted thinking, he manipulates, and even when he looses he WINS because of his distorted thinking. And that is really all he cares about.

WINNING….It never matters what it “cost” him. In his eyes, he won.

luv716

I’ve been reading blogs for the past month and they really help get through dealing with the dude that’s in my life that fits everything that I read I realize this is what he is, all he’s told me has been nothing but lies he used me to the point that I have nothing but yet he still says he love me. Don’t call, don’t spend any time with me what so ever, This got to be the worst situation I’ve ever dealt with an the fact that I still love him makes the situation worst. How can I still love someone who’s not there at all.

skylar

luv,
because your heart believes the lies.

sorry to be so blunt. My experience has been so all-consuming that I have nothing left but the truth. My heart goes out to you.

Why did God make something so disgusting?

If it is a survival mechanism for them -their manipulation and lies – where is our survival mechanism? Stockholm syndrome? is that the best that God can do for us? No, there has to be better. We need to find it.

luv716

Thank-you I’m open for better, but I gotta get past this hurt, too many sleepless nights.

hens

luv716 – welcome, read and learn – knowledge equals power – the truth will set you free – if you are here you are on the right road – hang on….you will stop hurting I promise..

Rosa

luv716:

“How can I still love someone who’s not there at all?”

Please do NOT beat yourself up over this. It’s not your fault. He is the one who is dysfunctional, not you. I also kept right on loving someone who was not there for me, too. It went on for years. But, I finally grew tired of his game, saw him for what he really was, and I went No Contact on him (after MANY failed attempts).
I never saw him after that. And, over time, my pain (and my “love” for him) became less and less, down to nothing (or at least almost nothing), as I found new interests.

If you have been reading these blogs for the past month, then I am assuming you understand what No Contact is, right?

I strongly recommend going No Contact on this man, give yourself time to heal from this, and move on to healthier relationships in the future.

I would encourage you to keep reading the articles on this site, and posting your thoughts, as well.

luv716

This is what happen in my life. Im in love with what I know is a pathological liar, I’ve been with this man since Jan 2009 everything was fine for the first 3 months than he change. When I met him he told me he was divorced. Which I don’t know is the truth or not. Heres the killer part my house caught on fire Jan 2009 and I have two children we moved in with my guy because we didn’t have no where else to go he welcome us. Little did I know he was being paid for letting us stay with him long story but I just found out. Around March is when things started getting strange he’s ex wife as he say birthday in that month so I’m assuming he was rekinding his marriage because he stop coming home at nights but would have every excuse in the world. Ok my funds starting paying out on my house and of course by us living there I felt it would only be right to help out where help was needed, he would borrow as he say from me to help him get on his feet which I gave it to him because I felt like this was the man of my dreams and I was helping build out future. Ok to make a long story short I feel so used. I was told by him that he was gonna rent his place out and once my house was complete we would move in there together and build our life together Ok my home been complete for the past 2months and his place is rented but Im still alone he told me he put his clothes in storage (lie) and he staying at his mothers on the couch another (lie). Even after that I was trying to hold on an hope things would get better because I need this man to pay my money back that he borrowed from me, I damn near broke and I have a family to take care of. Im on my last leg I told him to return what he used and let me go. I almost feel like I’m losing my mind I pray that God will take this pain away, and keep me strong this is all a mess. I never thought someone that made me feel so loved in the beginning could use and play me just for money. I stop calling and stop texting because it hurts so bad when he don’t answer the phone and he don’t return my calls. He call me maybe once a week to tell me that he’s gonna help me out and that he still love me. I still love him and still hope that it will be alright but the truth is I don’t believe it will. He will never admitt it but he’s with somebody else and it kills me to know that he took from me and my kids and move on happily with his life while I’m still here feeling stupid, lonely, and used.

super chic

luv… I’m here feeling stupid, lonely, and used also. I did the same thing you did, I hung in there a while hoping to get my money back, I didn’t, I loaned him more. It takes time to start feeling better, I feel a little bit better than I did a few months ago. Keep reading and posting here on LF! It helps! One of the many many things I have learned is that I don’t loan ANYONE money, nobody pays it back, even friends / women, / family, I don’t make other people’s problems MY problems… if I’m ever “in love” again and he needs money… GOODBYE TO HIM!!!! You might be confusing loving him with longing. Anyway, I’m going to start feeling good about myself, life is short, this will pass, and it is all in my attitude. I’m not going to let one lousy person ruin my life. I have good days and bad days, it’s normal. God will take your pain away, and YOU ARE STRONG!!!!!

Rosa

love716:

Oh my gosh, Luv. He sounds like a con-artist.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you can count on anything from this man going forward.

You are in such a tough spot with your two children.
I don’t even know what to say, except try to move forward with what you have left, because this man is NOT going to be there for you and your two children.

It does not matter how many times he says he “loves” you, his actions are SHOWING you something else. And actions speak lounder than words.

P.S. So, Luv, let me just get this part straight. You met him in January of 2009. Your house also caught fire in January 2009.
So, he welcomes you and your kids into his home, and you just found out that he was getting paid to let you and your kids stay with him, PLUS he’s accepting money from YOU during that time, as well?
Do you know who was paying him to let you and your children stay with him?

neveragain

luv716: Just want to say, YOU ARE NOT STUPID. You were in a very vulnerable place and this BAD MAN took advantage of that, not giving a damn what it would ultimately do or mean for you and your kids. They are VERY good at fooling people, and when we are hurting so and being told we are loved….well, each of us has fallen for that…of course! We are human beings who need help, need love. The problem is not that YOU are stupid, the problem is a BAD MAN came along, a wolf in SHEEP’s clothing. There will be time enough to learn later more about how you can recognize these wolves, but with many of them it is DAMN HARD, and almost impossible when you are in a vulnerable position, which you certainly were and are.

I’ll let others give advice on what to do, but I just wanted to emphasize that you are NOT stupid. You reacted in a normal, human way. The problem is HIM. He is BAD.

skylar

luv,
the only way to get money back from these con artists is if they believe that they will have access to a larger amount of money if they pay you back.

This happened to me with my xP when I was younger. He borrowed $5000.00 and wouldn’t pay me back, so I broke up with him, but he knew I had just recieved a large insurance settlement and there was much more money in the pot than a measly $5000. He came begging to me to take him back and I said no because he didn’t pay back the money he borrowed. He said, “Is that all I have to do, is pay you back and we can be together again?” I said yes. Next day he shows up with $5000. I didn’t learn my lesson though. I took him back and 20 years later all my money is gone and I’m in debt up to my ears. He just learned to take my money in more devious ways.

So, the only way to get your money back is to make him think you have much much more money someway, somehow. Do not tell him straight up. Send the news out along the grapevine so he doesn’t smell that it is a set up. When he comes back trying to get a piece of the action, tell him he has shown a lack of responsibility by not paying you back, and how disappointed you are in him etc…

If he pays you back, kick him out and lock the door.

Stargazer

Dear luv716, we were all used by our exes, and the pain is unbelievable when you figure it out. I believe that when someone lies to you to get sex, it is a form of rape. And when they prey on your kind motivations to get your money, it is robbery. Please don’t beat yourself up. Sociopaths are very charming and make it their whole life work to con others. This is what they do, and normal intelligent trusting folks like us never suspect and never see it coming.

Skylar is right, that a sociopath will only give you something if they think there is something better in it for them. However, bringing them back into your life for any reason always comes with a price. You have to ask yourself if it’s worth it to keep him in your life or if it’s better to let it go. For some here, $5000 is a bargain for a hard lesson learned.

My sociopath did not get any money from me, thankfully. We were not together long enough. But the pain and emotional distress he caused me lasted for a year! I cannot put a price on the time and energy I wasted on him. But if I could, it would be well into the thousands.

The good news for you is that you have only been with him since January. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can get your life back.

luv716

Thank everyone for the response, One person ask me how did I know he got paid because the people that work on my house was recommended by him. I never imagine that this could happen to me. Slick things done in the dark always come to light no matter what, an the light is coming through I have learned so much about this person. I actually met him the third week in December very close to Jan. It happen so fast and I wanted to be in a loving healthy relationship so bad he learned that an he used that to get what he wanted. I made appt. today with a therapist I gotta talk to someone because it feel like I’m in the twilight zone. My old friend told me yesterday it seem like a part of me is lost. Its just that I’m so hurt behind all this, more so devistated

witsend

luv,
If you were to try and find the positive in your story it would be that you haven’t invested a great deal of time with this toxic individual. Look at the damage done in such a short period of time.

In order to understand what happened to you it is helpful to understand that these toxic people do not “think” as the normal individual might think.

On the outside it looks to be a kindness extended to you…The new man in your life opening his home to you and your children after loosing your home in a fire.
The truth of the matter is that there was no empathy or kindness extended. His home was opened to you and your children for the money. It was all about what was “in it” for him. He is a con man.

Chances are that if you still had alot of money he would have moved into your home when it was ready. So in that respect you are lucky he is not still “taking” from you. (NOT that you feel lucky right now)

Once there is no longer anything for them to gain they move on, either to an old target or a brand new one.

Chances are you might never see your money again. It is NOT WORTH maintaining any part of your relationship with him hoping he will pay you back. He will end up taking alot more from you and I’m not just talking about money either.

It is possible you might be able to trick him into paying you back as skylar suggested above….But what price you might have to pay for that is yet to be seen. These people love to win and do not loose gracefully. Because of your children it might be to dangerous to involve yourself with him on any level.
It might be safer to cut your loses and try to take care of yourself and your children right now.
Going to see a therapist and getting some help sounds like a good place to start…
Good Luck to you.

Stargazer

Dear luv,
I’m so very sorry this happened to you. But I applaud you for having the courage to face what happened and to get help. You are already on your way to recovery.

It happened quickly with my sociopath, too, and I was hooked within 3 weeks. I was so devastated to find out he had lied to me about his divorce and everything else. I found out after the fact that he and his wife were playing the army for a phony medical discharge. When all of this came down, I was suicidal for a month or longer. Were it not for this site and also the healers and counselors who helped me, I probably would not be on the planet right now. I will tell you right now that recovery is very painful, and you may feel overwhelmed for a long time. But you will recover from this. Please know that you are not alone, and (sadly) a lot of us have walked this path. I just had my first real date since I went no-contact in July 08 with the S. And it was wonderful. You will get through this.

skylar

Luv, everyone is right about how dangerous it is to try to get your money back. I’m not advising that you do it, I’m only telling you HOW to do it if you decide to. I would also add that after you get your money back, you would have to quickly make up a story about how you were conned out of your money by someone else, so that you end up looking like a loser and not a winner. They don’t like others to win.

once you get rid of him by appearing to be a loser, then you have to keep him away by appearing to be boring. They can’t stand boring people. Be bland, show no emotion, either positive or negative. Especially, do not show fear. For instance, they try to gaslight you with stories of frightening things. In this case, I would suggest laughing and then quickly change your face back to emotionless.

They are clueless when it comes to emotions so they don’t see how bizarre that is.

luv716

Thanks everyone for their insight and advise. This is going to be a long journey thats just beginning.

luv716

Please don’t think I’m looking for a pity party just trying to get some understanding of this situation. I’m so laid back an observant of situations this has blindsided me it consumes all of my thoughts and energy. I just want this empty feeling to be over. Refuse to talk to my family about this situation, ashamed that I took from my kids, embarrassed because i still care.

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