In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
My opinion is that the “media” (which is made up of people) does NOT get it and because the “media” (who are, after all only people, and only as educated as they are or are not) is assumed to be “more knowledgable” than the “average person.” WHICH IS NOT TRUE in many cases, and ESPECIALLY about psychoopaths.
As for Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc. these people are ENTERTAINERS FIRST and foremost, NOT necessarily EXPERTS on anything.
Yet, they are CONSIDERED to be experts on various subjects by most people.
People who are given tons of money and adoration and fame at a young age for being sports, music or film “stars” are simply young people (f0or the most part) who are given carte blanche to persue whatever fame and money can provide. If they were “normal” to start out with, they are encouraged to become narcissistic and self centered, if they were narcissistic or psychopathic to start with, they simply rocket out of CONTROL completely, like OJ. The tabloids and the “legitimate” press sensationalize these people’s lives to sell paper and air time.
I saw the Barbara Walters (last) interview with Patrick Swayze last night about how the media had hounded him and printed lies about his illness and his reaction to it. He had a 33 year marriage with his wife (which few “stars” ever have really long term relationships). I don’t know anything about him and his life and what is printed that is true and what isn’t.
I liked his films for the most part. But I don’t idolize HIM as a person. He was just someone I thought was good at his craft.
Idolizing the personality of someone who is talented is to me ridiculous at best. No matter how well they play foot ball, or sing a song, they are people. People can be good, bad, or in between, but giving them special status because of their musical or athletic or acting talent is ridiculous IMHO. The Romans even treated their sports “stars” almost as “gods.” (at least as long as they won).
The rich get “preferential” treatment over the poor, and always have I imagine, the “powerful” get preferential treatment over the people without power, and the “famous” get preferential treatment over people who are not famous. It is just the way the world works, and I think always has.
Power (and riches) corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Handling power, riches and fame well, is not an easy thing for anyone, and especially for someone who has never had it before, or who has had it handed to them on a “silver platter.” Unfortunately, I think our youth see these people as not only idols, but want to emulate them. What a waste! We pay sports and entertainment “stars” “zillions” of dollars and pay teachers pennies compared to them. What is wrong with this picture?
henry,
I agree….I was hoping that she might get it because she has interviewed some really high profile people and she is high profile herself. She was even molested as a child….
I’m also in agreement with you over the fact that I wish I didn’t “get it” either. Oblivious. Doesn’t sound so bad right now.
there is someone who gets it, but I can’t remember her name.
I saw her briefly as a legal analyst on a cable news network a few months back when they were doing the story about the sunday school teacher who raped and killed the little girl.
The legal analyst has a segment on CNN (I think).
Her story is that she had “terminal” cancer as a very young woman. When she knew she was going to die, she began to rediscover her own abuse as a child. She worked through it very quickly and her cancer disappeared almost as quickly. She became a lawyer that works for victims rights I think.
Does anyone know who I’m talking about or what her name is? I wish I could remember.
http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/about
Found it! Wow, she sounds awesome.
and here is what she wrote about melissa huckaby
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-king/melissa-huckaby-and-the-u_b_188921.html
skylar – that doesnt ring any bells..witsend maybe whitney did not use words like sociopath or physcopath or narcissist for legal reason’s or for the simple fact it would make her look ‘crazy’. she disclosed enuff info that we that get it know that she get’s it. Yes sometimes ignorance is bliss – but like Whitney said – everything happens for a reason – as I have said many times this has been a life lesson about me and it was the ex P bf that was the catylist for change. I would never thank him for that though – he is out of my life forever and I am not ignorant about so many things now..there is a difference in being ignorant and stupid ya know –
Thank you everyone for your feedback and your support. For me, this healing is a life long journey — and as long as I focus on doing it, ‘in love’, then it is a journey filled with joy.
I can’t change what happened with him, can’t change one millisecond of the past — I can change how it affects me today, how it hinders or inspires me to be my best.
You are all courageous survivors — your support and kindness towards each other is a testament of your greatness.
Shine on!
Hugs,
Louise
I think that this article really hits home to the experience so many have had with sociopaths. And the yo-yo crap that you go through & the questioning. I am very, very grateful that my own direct experience is really over, and I am working on recovering. The Whitney Houston interview also helped me as well. I woke up this morning with that new song in my head!
I am grateful that my ex S has a new phone number that do not know. He has had a string of bad luck lately; wife lost his baby; double eye infection and his car and phone allegedly were stolen. Karma, plain and simple.
I also know that he is trying to set me up for some kind of fight with him; having called me last week – claiming that I called his father (wrong). He is thinking that eventually I will actually do that and try to get his new number.
I couldnt care less.
Plus I know that everything is only and always about him & not about me. It is a game, and I refuse to play. I like that fact too, that he dosnt know that I am onto him, that I know he almost always lies and is a sociopath. This information has helped me to re-establish my boundries, my principles – and I will make that `list`of critical things that must be in any man I get close to in the future.
Again, this site has helped me more than anything else. I was working with a therapist, but to be frank – she simply did not know anything about sociopathy and never even looked at the site (after I told her about it) and the CBT I wanted to do with her was not even manifesting itself in our sessions, they became more talk therapy & boring, really. I have my own tools that I can work with, and this site is the best place to re-affirm my decision of NC and why I must do this & also that there is hope after all the dust has settled and I am coming out of this more informed and better equipt to spot an S and to run away with a big smile on my face. I am free!!
luv…the thing about being alone in old age. What often happens if you DO have a man in old age, is you end up caring for him, mopping up his pee, driving him to appointments, doing his laundry, cooking his meals, hand feeding him….etc. etc. etc. Because we tend to live longer and we aren’t such babies, and we take better care of ourselves, we go to the doctor when we should, etc.
I have a husband, and I love him. But he is older than me and realistically I could outlive him if MY medical problems don’t get the best of me. So even if you have a husband, the chances of him outliving you are not good.
My safety net, if you want to call it that, is I give to a lot of nonprofits (who often will look out for you at the end, because they really care, I’ve seen that happen over and over, and though that is not the reason I give of my time and funds, it is nice to know), I have girlfriends, including several much younger (again, not why I have them, I have them because I love them!), I have pets that mean the world to me, and books. I don’t have children.
Also, as my therapist pointed out to me, everywhere you go, there you are. Most of us have been alone before. Even or esp. with the P! We are stronger than we think. There is loneliness, but there is also the beauty of solitude. When I’m alone, I cherish the solitude and the freedom to do whatever I want. Alone. In my house. I can go a couple of weeks without seeing anyone and be fine. (I live in an isolated spot.) And yet, fear of being alone used to be my number one fear!
So start now to find things that are truly wonderful about being alone. Singing out loud, staying up to whatever time I want, dressing however I want, getting a good uninterrupted train of thought going, staying in bed all day (except for pet chores) and having an orgy of book reading, sitting outside almost all day, taking everything out of a room and really rearranging it all, talking out loud, playing with makeup like a 16 year old….there are a TON of things I look forward to doing when I’m alone. You can find them too. Do what you fear…be alone….and you will never fear it again.
I meant to say, not only have we been alone, but we’ve been in the place where “no one loves me”. Where we are not THE most important person on earth to anyone.
But if you love yourself, that doesn’t matter. And if you don’t love yourself, all the love in the world won’t reach you. Look at how Michael Jordon appeared at his award ceremony….focused on those who had ever criticized him. It was almost like he could not take in the love.
We get tired of hearing that we must love ourselves. but it is true, I think.
Shabby:
My first introduction to S’s and N’s was from a local Psychologist…..
I asked him, do they change? (OUR FIRST THOUGHT)
He said, some do…….
But mostly in appearances and portrayal of change…….
I said when…… (because I want’ed to be sure I didn’t leave too soon)
He said……Oh, when the looks fade and they run all supply off and they are ill and not mobile enough to scam more supply…….
They sit, all alone and have no choice but to be running through the ‘phone book’ in their minds of who they can suck in from their past…..who the sucker with the big heart is, who can’t resist a ‘dying’ man……
NOT ME!!!!!!!!
It’ll take some effort, but I would rather console a homeless, drug addict under the bridge than him……
I made up my mind at that point……WHEN i get that call…….
Due to how the horrid, wretched and nasty he treated me during cancer/strokes etc…..
I will show up with MY favorite yogurts, some ultra caffeinated Mt. Dew…..A teddy bear with Naseating perfume on it and tuck the teddy bear up nicely next to his face, and say….
Wow…….gut rot caught up fast, bummer your suffering!
Not so nice to suffer alone……..HUH?
I have hardened to him, since I fought cancer and 2 strokes and a dissected internal carotid artery ALL ALONE!
I sat in the hospital two weeks during christmas, scared out of my gord, ALONE…….I faced surgery and CANCER ALONE……
Treatments ALONE!
If there was a vulnerable moment, he took advantage of it……
I will never forget those years….of all the things he has done to me, that took the cake, I could never forgive him for that.
If that wasn’t IN MY FACE…..what was?
No way……I got through it, but I will never forget…..and one day, he will be in that same position……and I will shit on him! I can wait……for as long as it takes…..but it will come.
I WILL NEVER, EVER be in that situation again……
But…..HE WILL!
It’s good we are caring and compasionate people…..but don’t let us confuse it with STUPID.
There are no medals in heaven for STupid.
Save the compassion for someone who deserves it!