In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
Skylar, EB, Gem, and Star, I think “fear” is an excellant conduit for evil. Of course,not all fear is bad. We need our healthy fear for self preservation. But self-centered fear that is generated by the thought that 1. I may not get what I want, and 2. I may be losing what I already have, leads to acting out, especially in toxic people. I have heard before that most men express fear as anger, and most women express anger, as depression. Our culture breeds courageous men,(afraid to be afraid),and well behaved women who never rock the boat.
That is, of course, until we become enlightened. Any thoughts?
Interesting conversations yesterday guys!
I saw a documentary some years ago about fire-fighting, specifically, wild fires. There is some truth to the old cliche’, You have to fight fire with fire.
Fire fighters will encircle an at risk area, with a ring of contolled fire. It will burn long enough to distroy so much foliage, trees brush, etc. is then put out. After that, there is nothing in that ring to catch, so the surrrounded area is no longer, at risk.
I have decided to coin a new phrase…..selective psychopathy………..this is pretty much the same thing as channeling the inner psychopath, or getting your psychopath on. It is kind of like being a sheep, in wolves clothing……….
It is, stealing the enemys’ weapons, and using them against those enemys.
The controlled fire metephore is akin to self-preservation.
Especially in the case of a stalker, someone who just won’t leave you alone. You’ve tried a ghandiesque passive resistance, but nothing works. Fire respects no boundrys, either. Time for a burnin’ ring of fire.
Skylar,
This is the answer to my email from the truant officer after I responded to her first responding email and QUESTIONED once again if he DID go TRUANT BEFORE his 17th birthday.
“That is correct. There have been rare situations where a student’s truancy has been addressed with the courts prior to the 16th birthday and the judge has ordered a student to attend school even after the 16th birthday if they have been continued on probation. Unfortunately, we have laws to mandate school attendance but the laws we have in place to enforce mandatory attendance are weak. Regarding your situation, you have pretty much exhausted your options. This is a classic example of “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”.
It really isn’t ABOUT school. School IS just an issue that I have had to DEAL with on a daily basis.
But school has only been a “symptom” of this disorder/illness since the problems with him became apparent going on two years ago. Kind of like alcohol, for the alcoholic. Alcohol is a symptom of the disease but not the CORE of the problem.
School was just ONE of the first things my son was able to manipulate and “groom” himself into being able to FEEL he was in full “control”. Here he had his first “performance” (for lack of better word) where he had several adults (teachers, school counselors, myself) all mandating that he go to school and show up at his classes. Yet he chooses to NOT PERFORM once he is there. And there wasn’t a darn thing anyone could do about it.
If you really think about it that was a HUGE acomplishment for him (acomplishment in his disordered thinking at his young age) It paved the way for many more.
Another early example when this all began was how he maipulated his therapist when he was in therapy with his lies.
All of it just leads to where we are today. The problem as I see it is that for a parent, I WANTED DESPERATELY to believe that an early “intervention” would be the answer to turning my sons life around.
BUT it has been my experience, that those early interventions
don’t really take place. Last winter my son displayed all the classic signs of a deep depression. He was also totally isolating himself from his peers. He WAS in therapy at that time. And I had to practically BEG his councelor to make a referal for him to see the psychiatrist for evaluation. I thought he might even be suicidal. Especially after reading a comment he made on his my space.
And the question his councelor asked me was. Has he cut his wrist? Has he TRIED to hurt himself? HELLO…..Looking for possible INTERVENTION here.
It was during this time that I really did pretty much loose all hope that there was any “system” in place at all out there.
And that was long before I had gone to the courts and filed incorrigible teenager petition to go in front of of a judge. And got a “program” INSTEAD of what I filed for.
So, it brings up that gnawing question again that the “experts” have been debating forever. Nurture or nature……???
EVEN if you do recognize as a parent early on that there is a PROBLEM, there is nothing OUT there “in place” to help you deal with this problem. And what is the solution for parents?
Juvie hasn’t proven to be succesful. Counselors (particularly those that don’t get it) don’t seem sucessful. Parenting classes aren’t sucessful.
There is no ROCK SOLID answer. It can be NURTURE, it can be NATURE, it can be BOTH. The real DEBATABLE question with the experts should be. WHAT can we do about it? If anything? Is an early intervention even POSSIBLE when this
presents itself in puberty or is it already to late?
If identifiable that there is something “going on” during puberty (as I have read over and over again that many of these disturbing traits do PRESESNT themselves during puberty for many of these disorders) WHAT then?
This problem is NOT one and the same as with the average
“defiant, rebelious” teenager. So it can’t be treated as such.
Consequences for their actions is definately one of the keys to this, for parents early on. Consequences for actions,
both good and bad consequences DON’T register with these kids. A + B = good consequence, nor C+ D = Bad consequence, it NEVER registers.
I am not quite sure if it is that over bearing issue of “entitlement” that these kids don’t get the whole process of good behaviors are rewarded with trust and good consequences or what? But it is definately hard wired within them that they don’t get it.
And bad consequences just feed into their major ANGER & their ability to pass blame. Because they never OWN the bad behavior the consequence of that bad bahavior isn’t theirs. SO WHOEVER gives them the consequence for their bad behavior is the BAD GUY. Be it, parent, school, cop, judge etc….
That is JUST the “begining” of how this disorder manifest within a person, coming from a mother who has watched it progress.
Another early clue is the lying. Most all teenagers resort to lying or coating the truth to their parents. But pathalogical lying and believing their own lies is a REAL danger signal. A MAJOR in my experience so far. That lack of the ABILITY to see that their ACTIONS speak louder than their words.
Empathy, and feeling for others, of course is another. But as a parent you might cling to small really insignificant things….Such as you suggest, Skylar. Your Xs love for cats. As a parent I might “look at that” …..Well he does have the ability to love and care about something. Doesn’t he prove this in his love for animals (cats)? But the truth of the matter might be…..That he finds something in cats that “feeds” into his disorder. Such as he recognizes in cats their uncanny ability to take what they need and leave the rest. In other words cats are very adept at “getting” what they need from their loving owners but can be very aloof and indifferent all at the same time. So he doesn’t really love them, more that he “connects” the same behavior (his own) with them. In a weird, EVIL, way he mirrors them. I am not suggesting that cats are evil! I love animals. I am only suggesting how a TOXIC person can CONFUSE us by “appearing” to bond or “love” something.
I see in my son that he doesn’t really “walk in the same shoes as his peers”. He by his own admitance feels supirior to them. They are ordinary and he is special. He will “mirror” some of their behavior when necessary, so he fits in, during those times when he WANTS to FIT in. But it is always a self serving agenda.
Much of what I saw in him as a child, showing REAL empathy, compassion, I DON’T see any more. However, momentarily, on occasion, he could throw something into the mix, that I might “confuse” as having feelings such as empathy.
I DO NOT believe that the only way this disorder can manifest within someone is by being raised in a neglectful and abusive home.
HOWEVER I do believe that there is many things that possibly “feed” into the disorder at this stage. And not knowing how to react as a parent when some of this just keeps bombarding you on a daily basis is part of the problem.
I mean when you READ and of the books and the books keep saying show love, show empathy…..These feelings can be taught. Love is also action not just a feeling. I say, in theory, to some extent I believe that……
When your kid threatens you that he would set the house on fire if you had anything to do with him loosing his job…..Just HOW loving am I suppose to be in this moment? Does this deserve a hug and a loving reaction on my part? I don’t think so….BUT I SURE would like to know from the experts their opinion on what my reaction SHOULD have been….To not “feed” into his distorted thinking.
This is where much of the research dollars need to be spent in my opinion. Early on detection and what to do ABOUT it once it is detected. Instead of putting the burdon back onto the parents at every turn. This is a huge burden to know in your heart that something is drastically wrong with your kid to begin with. But to know and have no tools to deal with it effectively, and not be able to find anyone with any answers to help you with it is really finding yourself between a rock and a hard place.
So skylar for those of us hell bent on seeking understanding about this disorder…..Maybe the key does not lie with the experts so much “defining” these early issues. Maybe they really do need input from those who have had daily interactions with this disorder in the earlier stages. (before adulthood) Hare, did most of his research on inmates. Now research needs to spend its time on the early years.
If FEAR and loosing control is a major key early on……This is like a self preservation mechanism? So is the key to this disorder possibly a very INTENSE mind set of being totally “WIRED SO WRONG” to: control others including situations so they can’t control you, abandon others before they can abandon you, shame others before they can shame you, show hate, so you don’t recieve hate first, and yada, yada?
Witsend, very interesting post. I sooo feel for you.
Did I understand you to say your son didn’t show any signs of thi.s disorder before puberty? I wonder if there’s a biological factor, a mis-wiring of sorts, or an over amping, or a chemical burnout or something that happens when the sex hormones start flooding their system.
I saw a documentary once that said serial killers have high levels of testosterone, and low levels of ceretonin.
I’m not suggesting your son is one of them, I’m only saying that there is so much we don’t know, and there could be a chemical componant, along with all the other possible factors.
I agree, there needs to be research done in the early years.
I wish I had some good advise.
Did you say what he was diagnosed as? Was it a conduct disorder? I suppose you’ve done all the research you can do?
Well, I’m keeping you in my prayers.
Witsend,
yes, that is how it seems to be. They see the world as “dog eat dog” and “do unto others before they do unto you”.
They came to this conclusion by sheer luck. They were pondering life and how to deal with it. They came upon this thought because it was there, either on TV, a book they read or something they experienced. It made sense.
So, to them, it was like finding a pair of shoes that they thought they would try on. They fit, they liked how it made them feel – kind of tough and powerful. You know what it’s like when you get a new pair of really cool shoes. They become part of your identity.
From a dream mood dictionary:
In general, shoes represent your approach to life. It suggests that you are well-grounded or that you are down to earth. It also represents your convictions about your beliefs. If you are changing your shoes, then it refers to your changing roles. You are taking a new approach to life. If your forget your shoes, then it suggests that you are leaving restraints behind you. You are refusing to conform to some idea or attitude.
This is how they FEEL when they decide to be tougher than anyone else.
You’ve heard the story, I’m sure, of the pretty little girl who comes home crying because there’s a little boy who is so mean to her? She says he pulls her hair, trips her, laughs at her and calls her names. “Why is he so mean to me Daddy?” she asks. “Honey, when a little boy is mean to a little girl, it just because he likes you.” is the answer. The little boy can’t handle his feelings of love for the little girl so he turns it into hate and acts accordingly. I can see that in the Sociopath now. He is suppressing his empathy because he can’t handle it. He is afraid of not being tough. Through sheer force of will, he will hate and not feel love.
It is a childish way of thinking. I think many children feel this way. I know that I went through a stage of feeling this way around age 10 or 12 and I’m not a boy. Of course I outgrew it, most of us do. I think narcissism makes a person choose not to grow. They think they are fine the way they are. My xP told me, “I never wanted to grow up, I think it’s terrible that we have to.” He also said, “I’ve always been the same, I haven’t changed since I was a kid.”
I didn’t even know how to respond to those statements, I just thought he was not assessing himself accurately, but he was. It wasn’t a good assessment, but it was accurate.
What to do about it? I’m not sure. These individuals think that they are the only ones like this. They believe that they are uniquely gifted with this insight and the willpower to sustain it. They think its a good thing to be unique. The only thing I think to do is to show them, somehow, their mistakes in thinking.
Perhaps by showing him the Type B characteristics, he will recognize himself. Then he’ll know that he’s not unique. That could pop one bubble, and maybe the rest will follow. But I know one thing, you can’t be controlling, he will resist. Leave your ego out of it because your ego wants to control and he is very sensitive to smelling out control.
Kim F
He was diagnosed with ADHD and loosly diagnosed with Bi Polar. I say loosely because the phsyc. himself told me he wasn’t sure about the Bi Polar and RX some meds to treat for moods, hoping to more clearly define the diagnosis by results of the meds. Process of elimination I would suspect? And because he was showing outward signs of depression then he admited that he wasn’t sure if he was clinically depressed or Bi Polar.
This diagnosis was also, although not so long ago in actual time passed, only a year ago. However it was “eons” ago as far as what has “progressed” in illness, since then. My son also saw early on that this doctor had his “number” (didn’t buy into his bullshit) unlike his councelor he had been seeing for awile and refused to go to to further visits with him. (also refused the meds after a month)
Oh I agree fully with the levels in the brain chemicals …..to much of this and not enough of that…..etc. IT HAS TO HAVE something to do with these disorders.
I would definately argue with any expert, that the wiring IS SCREWED up somewhere along the line. They not only DON’T process things like you or I would. BUT when viewing this in a young person I would TEND to believe that they CAN’T process it “normally”. Their brain isn’t capable of it. Maybe later as they mature into adulthood and much of this disorder has been “fine tuned” in order to slip into society…..This is harder to define for the experts within this disorder. Maybe it is not as transparent as it is when the disorder is in the “young” stages.
Maybe if the experts concentrated more studies on youth they could have more of the answers they are seeking to find in the adults that have the full blown disorder?
skylar,
I think it is still somewhat of a paradox…..Or what comes first the chicken or the egg……
Is it REALLY a choice? OR
Does the disorder come first and manifest itself within to individual and therefor with the faulty “wiring” the choices don’t exist AS they do for those of us with normal “wiring”?
within THE individual (not to)
Witsend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SA_tgwm6RN8