In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
Wow, Jill. I’m so sorry your Xxp had such far reaching influence on your freinds and loved ones. They ( the P’s) are so vengful, and hateful, and mean spirited! I would like to say,”just let it go and move on,” but everyone deserves to have their family’s love and support. Did I understand you to say that you’ve never really tried to explain yourself to them, and that you aren’t really sure if they’ve turned away from you? Well, how do you know if you haven’t tried? On the other hand, it doesn’t sound like they were really there for you from the beginning, if they could turn their backs on you when you needed them the most! I”m also not sure if it’s safe for you to contact them. Would they “inform” your x about your location, and anything else you might tell them! These are things that you need to think about. If you feel safe, I would put forth the effort, but understand that you might be dissapointed, and if your are DON’T BLAME YOURSELF! Furthar more, you might find a great deal of comfort in finding yourself another church. It sounds as if that sort of thing has played a big role in your life. Don’t let him steal your faith, girl. And Im glad you’re here. God bless.
This really is full of insight! I read your words a second time and got even more out of it. I am making the goal of getting to this point in my recovery. My recovery process has been very slow. I think it’s because I went back to him for a few days in the middle of the process. It kind of started me back at ground zero. It feels like a hole that I’m constantly trying to dig out of and with all of the time and therapy, I don’t really think I’ve made much progress. I’m going to learn from your progress though and the progress of others on the board to know that it is possible to get to this point and that it is a good goal to have. May I ask how long ago you left?
I remember one therapy counseling session when my therapist was trying to explain that she didn’t think I was really in love with him, but just the idea of who I thought he was and who he protrayed himself to be. I insisted that I really loved him and I reflected on this therapy session and tried to understand the point my therapist was making. I didn’t think another person could judge whether someone was or was not in love with someone. I felt that love is real and organic and is not less real because someone ended getting hurt. What I didn’t know much about and my therpist knew a lot about (she’s a Victims of Violence therapist) is Sociopaths. This was more than the average hurt someone goes through at the end of a relationship. Everything about him was a lie. He knew how to present himself in a way to get whatever he wanted from me. I have to remember that I was nothing more than something to fill up his life with for a little while, as he was always bored. He grew bored of me too, after a very short time. Marriage didn’t mean anything to him. Having a baby with a wife meant nothing at all. He couldn’t care less about his own child and even admitted that to me. He’d tried to hurt our child during an attack while I was pregnant (it’s what caused me to leave him). How could someone like that even know what love is? I think I’m finally beginning to see my therapist’s point, through your words, which are helping to look at all this mess from a more clear perspective. I can see that it wasn’t doing me any good to think I was in love with him. It wasn’t noble and this wasn’t Romeo and Juliet. Almost as tragic, but without any of the romance. I can’t romaticize him anymore. It’s sick and I need to get past obsessing over what he is or isn’t doing and get on with MY life. Thank you for sharing this.
Jill, so sorry about your troubles.
My exP also decided that spreading lies about me would be a fun way to destroy me. Some people in my neighborhood won’t even LOOK at me and I don’t know why. LOL. They are P’s so I don’t care.
What I DO know is that he used to say “I’m tired of your GOD-like ways!” and “You think you’re a saint”. Another time he told me that he went to the neighbors and told them that I AM a saint because I volunteered to do so much work for our community organization. A year later I asked them if he said that, and they said, “Noooo…. he didn’t say THAT”. So I know he told them that I THINK I’m a saint.
These neighbors hate me now too.
So, my point to you is this:
I’m not as “saintly” a person as my exP thinks I am, only compared to him, I am. They envy goodness. Your exP sees your goodness and wants to take it away but he can’t so instead he takes it away in the eyes of others.
the 8th beatitude says:
“Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” Matthew 5:10
So even if you are NOT a saint, your XP just made you one in the eyes of God! Cool huh? REJOICE!
You know what else? He did you a favor because now you know what kind of people they are that would believe lies and gossip. That is very important information for you to have.
Last of all, I know you are tired and weary but we must spread the word about P’s. So get some copies of, “Why is it always about you?” Go speak with the people that it is important to you to keep as friends. Tell them that you have something to tell them, but they will only understand if they read this book. When they finish the book, tell them what has happened to you.
Very powerful post…you can tell because everyone has a different favorite part. Mine is:
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
SOOOO true! Thank you!
Dear Jill,
I was wondering where you were, how you are and how things were going for you. I knew you were afraid of him, and afraid of him hurting your baby. I hope you are safe. You are continually in my prayers for your safety and healing. (((hugs)))) Oxy
Great post that sums up very well the insanity of a relationship with a P and that recovery is indeed possible, however distant that seems at times.
For Jill – it is three years on for me and I have been through every emotional rollercoaster possible. I live in a small town and have had to contend with the propaganda machine, gossip and the pain of having friends who want to believe the lies.
Recovery means finding a way of giving your emotions a rest. Your mind is on full alert, adrenaline pumping every hour of the day and you need to switch off every connection to him in order for that to stop. Every lie you hear will reconnect you, every gram of information you have about him will ignite all those smouldering emotions. I’ve learned that the hard way. I have asked my friends that I do not wish to hear anymore on that subject and anyone connected or in contact with my P is off limits. It sounds brutal but it has made me so much happier.
One other thing that helped me is finally understanding the way a psychopath thinks and that what he did to me was not personal. I know that sounds ridiculous but it is true. I was just a number to him, one of many. It had nothing to do with me as a bad and flawed person. I was just one of those unlucky enough to cross his path and be targeted. At the time I did not have the knowledge to protect myself. If you can see your situation this way too, it may help to relieve you of the agonising self doubt P’s use to turn us on ourselves.
Hope this helps and I wish you strength and peace of mind.
Swallow
I’m finding that my family are also prone to being targeted by sociopaths. My family have been manipulated I am starting to feel pangs of protectiveness towards my brothers who have crushed me by believing the allegations made by 2 female sociopaths. I was alarmed they should even begin to suspect me of lie x, lie y, lie z.
If we have been deceived, there is every chance a sociopath deceives the loved ones of the target. It worked with us, and it works with the people we care about. Just totally different dynamics – they’re not receiving malice, they’re effectively tools to spread the socipaths’ malice. They use people. Full stop.
My elder sister’s husband whom I believe to be a sociopath (3 failed marriages to his name. His last wife screaming YOU MURDERER! as she left him.) is doing exactly what your ex is doing, jillsmith. In the process who is nudging him along nicely but my sociopath sister who’ll be loving every second of the marriage breakup. They have holidays in the country together. Interesting turn of events as the ex disliked S sister, calling her vacuous, cold, shallow and empty. She’s come in very useful nowadays..
PS. How does one keep track of all one’s comments around the board. A seach on my username doesn’t bring up all my posts. Thanks in advance.
PPS I seriously love this site (simple easy on the eye format). I found it too painful to read, suffering PTSD each time I attempted to read. Annoying as I needed validation, but the reactive depression set in. I’ve been back on this site for a few consecutive days and feeling stronger and in control. It takes time to heal from the grief, humiliation, anger and acceptance. It’s one year since I made the first few steps researching the abuser’s mind. It’s been just 6 months since I began the healing process by speaking out to trusted individuals and a doctor. Most encouraging is to have 5 people validate me through their own experience with the same person. Unsurprisingly these people own: compassion, tact, integrity, emotional intelligence, selflessness, depth and a soul.
Anyway, back to my original question.
Outlier,
I know exactly what you mean about the PTSD issues when coming to this site. The validation helps me so much, but I do end up feeling triggered and a bit depressed sometimes. That is why I stayed away from this site for a couple of months. I needed a couple of good months to just put all of this aside and focus on having a fun summer with my baby. He needed that. He can tell when I’m not fully present or am stressed. Little ones are so tuned into these emotions.
I know that I can’t just keep shoving these emotions aside. I guess I’m just at a loss for how to deal with this. I don’t feel that group therapy or individual therapy is helping. Maybe I’d be worse off without it. I know that dealing with these things and this site help, but they don’t feel like they help.
I don’t want to sound like I don’t appreciate this site. I appreciate it so much. I just don’t appreciate my emotions. ha. Anyway, I can relate to you, Outlier. Now I have decided to only come on this site when I’m in an incredibly good mood and while my baby is asleep.
Dear Oxy,
Thank you very much for your thoughts and prayers. I have not been in contact with anyone this summer. I was just trying to put all of this out of my mind and have a good summer with my baby. I opted not to move out of the country with my close friend. It just felt like too much to put a baby through. He’s already been through so much because of his dad. At some point, I’ve got to stop running from his dad, because the lack of stability is effecting his development. It’s hard because I have to outweigh this by his safety. I’m told that his dad just spent anouther few thousand on a new private investigator. I just get so tired of staying safe and keeping my son safe. This hypervigilance is exhausting and I need a break of some kind from this. I can’t see a break anywhere though. This is my life now and I need to just accept it. Before my ex, I loved life and enjoyed it. I had so much to offer a baby. I feel that I’m stripped of this and have no zeal or lust for life now. I just go through the motions, day after day after day. I feel so sad that my baby is being ripped off. He’s getting the worst of me, not the best. I was also robbed of so much with him. I recognize this, so I do my best to create joy and fun activities for my son. However, I’m faking it and I worry that having a mother that is constantly battling PTSD and depression will effect him. All I can do is just keep going and doing my very best and maybe I’ll be able to find happiness again. I stopped breastfeeding so that I can try medication. Maybe that will help. I dont’ know.
Anyway, that sums up how I’m doing. I guess that is pretty much the same as how I was doing before. I find it difficult to reach out to people because I don’t want to be a “downer”. I also no longer have the energy to be fake to people because I am learning not to be a pleaser so much and to make them think I’m fine, just so they’ll feel fine. So, I just keep to myself, which I know isn’t helping. Basically, I’m stuck.
I hope you are doing well and that you had a great summer.