In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
witsend, I would call it a predisposition, but it doesn’t exist until the choice is made repeatedly to think/behave that way.
Just like alcoholism or any addiction, some are more predisposed.
You would really enjoy the book, “the little friend” it’s fiction but it’s about a little girl slipping into the world of narcissism/sociopathy. Donna Tartt is the author and she is a truly gifted storyteller.
interesting link easy. I liked it until he started to talk about the eyes of delight. Whew! easier said than done.
Easy, skylar,
I need you to tell me whats on this link as my speakers or voice on my computer is shot? Ever since my computer went down and was fixed none of the links with voice do me any good as I can’t hear them.
Hi Skylar. I hope your proposition is wrong because occasionally I choose to get my psychopath on, just as self preservation, and I hope those choises don’t re-wire my brain, and cause the disorder in me.
I think normal people can choose, I’m not sure psychopaths can.
Their brains are different: they don’t feeel fear and anxiety like the rest of us do…..they don’t even recognize the look of fear on others faces. They have poor impulse control, and never seem to learn via punishment or consequences.
These are just a few examples. Having said that, I’m sure they know the difference between right and wrong, but choose wrong because they believe it is in their best interest, or because they believe in their speciallness, or because they are intitled, or whatever.
Maybe it’s the faulty wiring or the bad chemistry, or something that gives them these beliefs about themselves.
It’s a mystery, but I really hope that Scientists find the answers.
For now I try to stay away from these creatures, but I truely feel for those who have no reprieve: the ones who have to interact with them on a daily basis, especially the ones who have a child with this disorder. It muxt be heart-wrentching.
God bless us all.
Skylar, do computers have spell check? My spelling makes me feel so stupid…..which I know I’m not, but it doesn’t do much for my arguement, does it?…….Oh well. Humility, you gotta love it!………………………;)
witsend, do you want help troubleshooting the speakers or are you absolutely sure that they have no functionality at all?
I understand the predisposition thing to an extent. BUT I don’t
I do not buy it as the “total” package of this disorder. I think it CAN be part of it but is not the WHOLE of it.
I think it is alot more than that. I also think it is so VERY complicated that is why even the experts can’t be conclusive on so many things.
We can be predisposed to many things. Alcoholism, depression, cancer, the list goes on and on.
I still think that the hard “wiring” (or lack of wiring) or chemical “inbalancing” in the brain CAN have a major “affect” on who this “effects” and who it doesn’t.
skylar,
Help me trouble shoot first because I am computer illiterate.
Hi Kim,
The way I look at it, is this way:
you have to eat 3 times a day and each time you have to choose what you will eat. It can be junk food that puts stress on your kidneys, liver and all other systems or you can choose healthy, organic, vitamin and fiber rich foods which will enhance your systems.
Sometimes you need the extra – sugar boost or fat or chocolate or coffee for whatever chores/stresses you have to face that day. So you do what you have to do, you eat what you have to eat. (maybe there isn’t anything else to choose from at the moment)
But a P is made up of a lifelong chain of choosing junk food, junk thoughts. And it’s worse when they do it as children because their brains and bodies are more pliable at that time.
After years of eating junk for breakfast lunch and dinner, you will look and feel pretty bad.
So, yes, I do believe we have to be careful of indulging in P-activity. I do it constantly too, because I’m surrounded by P’s. Luckily, there is a place in me that is extremely empathetic which I haven’t been able to override. But I think that as a teenager, I really lacked much of the empathy that I have now. I can remember thinking patterns very similar to the narcissist. To be honest, it was the intense physical pain of 20 years with fibromyalgia that opened me up to more empathy. And I can thank the P for that.
I think you would really enjoy the book, “the myth of irrationality” it talks about how certain types of thinking evolve.
Ok, witsend, click the START button and choose “control panel.” (assuming you are using windows xp)
If you are in classic view you will see icons arranged in alphabetical order. (if u aren’t in classic view, look at the left column and choose “switch to classic view”)
About 2/3 down you will see an icon of a speaker, labeled “sounds and audio devices”.
Double click on it and tell me what you see.