In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
Heres what I’m thinking….
If you have title, and all docs…then take the police and take it.
Or…..if it’s out in the ‘open’…..pay some out of towners to come in prime recon hours…..2-5am….(assuming that ‘works’ into s’s schedule) and take it…..
Store it where he will never find it and kaboom. Done. Then sell it.
Now….heres the problem…..it’s gonna piss him off.
It will piss him off whether or not you take him to court (and will cost you, and still no guarentees he will turn it over)
Or it just ‘disappears’. Poof.
It’s yours….you own it….you have the divorce papers, title AND making payments to boot.
Now…if you just don’t care……and your credit is shot….stop making payments on it and tell the loan company where it is and they can come and get it……DONT tell the s you are not making the payments or he will hide it.
I don’t recall if these need to be registered or not…..but with the title, you can transfer it inot your name in a jif, if you decide to keep it.
You have the decree…..he stopped the payments…..Reposess the quad. (you have to decide if it’s ‘worth’ it) But I don’t see any reason why you should continue to pay.
Hope this helps….
Hello All,
I would like to introduce myself. Though my two year divorce battle should have ended nearly 10 years ago after a vicious, two-year and ugly suit for sole custody and a financial war in this city’s rich man’s divorce court (rather than family court), my first major awakening occurred only two years ago in the form of a lengthy email from the S’s girlfriend. I was a stay-at-home mother, formally in a helping profession, married for ten years with one of our two children attending a private school. At the time of our divorce proceedings, the other woman (OW) was a then-married mother and mid-management employee in the privately-held firm that S holds a very high executive position in. And even though her email was a vicious litany of MY evil machinations and MY complete lack of moral character (from her point of view, or rather, as you may have guessed by now – really S’s obscene lies and pity play), I immediately understood that I was reading a roadmap of the years of defamation and slander meticulously and effortlessly employed by the S in his deliberate attempt – without weapon in hands, without his bare hands or even a sweet tasting poison-laced drink, to murder my spirit, the very core of who I am as a human being, as a woman and as a mother.
I will not pretend – S has come close, and without laying a hand on me physically. The destruction has been deep. I could see (as in, some of us need to see to believe) the threads of truth spun BY THE S into fine, intricate and sticky fibers of pure vicious and evil lies. That was my first real awakening. There and then, I understood she was his victim. Other than a cease and desist letter to her, I did not contact. Hell, no one could understand why I directed no anger toward her.
In my mind, the OW surely had become his next victim. Why contact me now after 10 plus years? After more than a decade of emotional and psychological abuse, and financial devastation to the children and me, the S immediately began his attempts to communicate with me. Even raised the child support (red flag), began paying the court-ordered add-ons, etc. “It’s over now,” I told the children and the few friends I had left. Or so I thought.
The S began calling me two, sometimes three times a day, to chat about his now-ailing father, our previous common interests, well, you may recognize the act, um, conversations. And you all know that S’s are very busy people – even at rest. More so than even the presidents of countries. If I brought up the children, though, he suddenly could not keep those folks out of his office!
I had still been nurturing the illusion that the S’s behavior was only directed at me and our children – a model citizen in all other aspects of his life. “Why would she send such an email?” S’s voice quivered. “My therapist and I cannot figure out why she did such a thing to me and (oops), of course, to you.” “I confided some intimate details of my life to her, and she exaggerated, took everything out of context.” Well, you may recognize the script, um, S’s explanations.
After the OW’s (She immediately became the ex-girlfriend when S read her first vitriolic email.) next email contacts – about three months ago, I had an epiphany, followed by my search and discovery of Lovefraud. I have lurked for about three or so months, and have devoured the articles to educate myself.
I won’t pretend to have figured out who is who yet, but I can feel a sense of renewed strength again from your posts, as well as a sense of community in the realization that I am not the only one. As you often discuss here, it is quite difficult to wrap one’s head around the harm an S inflicts, let alone attempt to verbalize it to one who has not endured a kidnapping of the self.
I know that I am traumatized. I have been for some time. I startle at the slightest brushes of strangers and faintest sounds, yet if the earth opened up at this moment, I would not blink an eye and would not feel panic. I sleep through sirens and wake at a rustle of a piece of paper. Make sense to anyone? My children have the same responses. I feel paralyzed, yet I can still sense that part of me which knows that most people are not like the S. I can laugh, feel joy, but it is as if I am frozen in some block of ice. Yet the core of who I am still flows through me, though I know full well I am suspended, frozen in time.
Thank you all. I have cried for a brief few seconds after many years of being unable to do so. I am getting it now. I can finally make sense of what has happened to me.
Sara I think witsend hits it right on the money
witsend says:
luv716,
The difference is that it REALLY is more like an addiction than a relationship.
That is the reason you are obsessing and feeling the way that you do. It is like going through withdrawal.
Your intellectual side knows that it is bad for you but your emotions haven’t caught up. Its like you are emotionally addicted to him.
And the fact that you are still trying to make “sense” out of it all. Adds to the fog he created in your life.
The best way to get over them I’ve found is to treat them like any other bad day: baby yourself a little and say nice things to yourself. It’s fine to feel traumatized by this crap.. who wouldn’t be? And it’s great to get past it, but it sure doesn’t happen overnight.
omg this reminds me about how the psychopath in my life made me feel so much pain inside and to this day it hurts me even after he left. its like he stays with you kinda like some kinda shadow who even when hes gone you feel hes watching your everymove no matter where you are.
epiphany, nice to meet you! I love your screen name! I am so glad you posted, you write beautifully, very eloquent (a talent I seem to lack!)
It is comforting to realize we’re not the only ones who were duped by these crazy people. It just took me the longest time to “get it”, I think the word that helped me the most was “predator”. Now sometimes I feel like a little target, maybe something similar to your feeling startled at the brush of strangers and faint sounds… if I see a stranger looking at me I get very nervous.
Interesting analogy of the OW’s email being a roadmap, fabulous that you were “awakened” instead of being hurt even more. You describing how you feel paralyzed/frozen has given me something to think about, I have been thinking I can’t go back… and I see myself drawing away from people.
I hope you will keep posting, as you have been reading for a while… you know it is a very supportive site and the people here have helped me a lot!! I’m glad you are here!
Akitameg:) (Incase you pop in again) I am so sorry to hear about your poor dog:( But its lovely to hear you are doing so well! Light at the end of the tunnel!:)x Thanks for coming in and giving us all a reminder that life DOES eventually get back on track as long as we keep plugging away:)xx
While I am here, i just want to share something that happend to us last night. I live in a BIG city, right in the centre, surrounded by main roads and as I stood on my balcony I saw a wild Duck sitting in the middle of the road, she was very disorientated(maybe clipped by a car):( So she let us pick her up and bring her in. She spent the night in the bathroom, warm, gathering herself together my son named her ‘Petal’.:D this morning a very nice RSPCA man came to collect her (nothing broken). She’s going to get three days of R&R, some antibiotics and vitamins and then taken to a lovely new pond in a pretty place FAR away from dangerous roads:)xx Just incase you are confused, there is no POINT to this story , I just wanted to tell someone about our visit from Petal the wild duck!:)xxx
Welcome epiphany,
Glad you are here, this is a good place and knowledge=power so keep on reading. Unlike the “name” of the person above “timie heels” (catch the pun?) time itself doesn’t HEAL, it takes a great deal of working through the trauma.
What you are describing with your symptoms are somewhat like PTSD in one form or another, in one level or another, and is a reasonable thing to be expected. after the trauma you have been through….your kids too.
I’m glad yo uare here, in spite of the passing through of a psychopath or two here to “taunt” us (we had one or two last night) but as usual they were quickly spotted and “outed”—this is a VERY supportive place with great bloggers. Welcome and God bless.
EB
Thanks. two problems. Somehow, he has a way to check to see if it has been paid. I don’t know how he got the account info but he did. Anyway, I did call the police, they won’t take it without a court order. I did have a nice policeman tell which court to go to here because of the judge. I know he will hide it regardless of what I do. I am thinking if I go through the court, he could be arrested if he hides it. I am going to call the bank and the police again today when I get home. I will keep you posted!
skylar,
I did get a brief read of what you said last night after I asked you why you were feeling sorry for your X and thinking you would contact him.
I tried to re-read what you wrote but I believe that whole thread has now disappeared, so I can’t read it again.
Skylar I do get it as far as you feeling very intensley about this…..
But wasn’t it just the other day that you and I were talking about this disorder and how it manifest….
And if it is a “choice” that they make or if it is their inability to make that choice?
Do they start out wired wrong or do they rearrange their own wiring?
We might debate this for a long time and never really KNOW.
BUT either way we can’t change the wiring.
You feel sorry for your X and I feel sorry for my son. BUT we can’t change them, even if they are this way by making their own choices.
So what could you possibly do for him that you haven’t done already? And what would make the end result different than it is now.
I am wondering what your thought process is about this?
I think it is important for you to explore it “out loud”. And to consider what others might have to offer you.
I know that you have mentioned at the end of your relationship he was trying to poison you.
what could you possibly do to change that kind of disordered thinking this time around?
Remember the MINDSET here. You say left, he says right. You say up he says down. You say black he says white.
Witsend,
I want him to know what is wrong with him. He made the choice to be this way as a child. He had no frame of reference to understand his feelings. He just felt too strong emotions and he had to master them somehow. There was no one around to help him with that so he DECIDED that it was easier to feel hate. Hate is his solution to his fear.
After I realized this, I remembered my P-sister who is 40 years old, said a similar thing a few years ago.
She is a slightly different story but only slightly. They were both manipulitive narcissists since birth and his decision to hate occurred at age 12. She married a trojan P that my xP sent to infiltrate the family. The trojan P has been grooming her to become hateful and also making her miserable. A few years ago she said, “I figured out what to do when I’m sad, I just replace sadness with anger. It feels so much better.”
I told her “no, please don’t do that, that is sick” But she didn’t listen. she is childish and very stupid. She had a head injury at age 15 which changed her and made her stupid.
I’m pretty sure her p-husband planted the idea in her head so he could use her against me. Then he makes her sad and tells her to hate me to get over it.