In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
Swallow,
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this too. I think your situation sounds so much worse because you live in the same town as these people. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and others. It helps. Good luck with everything.
Hello Kim,
Yes, you are understanding correctly that I have not spoken to my family much in a couple of years. In fact, I spoke to my dad a couple of months ago and he is the only family member that I have spoken to in the past couple of years. I had gone that whole time without talking to him.
Originally, I explained everything to my family, but they thought it was “stupid to leave my husband while pregnant”. They also think that divorce is a sin and that I was doing something worse by leaving my husband and raising a child as a single mom, than my ex was in abusing me. I shouldn’t have been surprised, as my family has a long history of ignoring abuse.
I agree with your thoughts completely. I deserve a family and part of me thinks that I should try to explain things to them again and the other part of me thinks that I should just count my losses and realize they weren’t healthy relationships for me anyway. I still love and miss my family terribly though, even if their belief system is completely dysfunctional. They’re still my family and they’re still my son’s family. I’m making a decision that is robbing my son of any other family, besides me. Maybe that’s a good decision and maybe it’s not. I wish I had a Magic 8 ball to know. That’s the hardest part about raising a child on my own, I think. All the decisions are mine alone to make, without a spouse or even a parent to give advice. When I ask my therapist or even a domestic violence advocate for advice, they’re trained to say, “That’s not my place to tell you. You need to figure that out for yourself.” I understand the reasons why they do this and I think it’s good, but it still leaves me alone in making my family’s decisions. That is something so great about this board. At least I can get some advice. I’m not just going to do anything anyone says, but I still like to listen to other people’s advice and weigh in when making my decisions. So, thanks for your point of view and for sharing your outlook and experiences.
I just think this whole thing is so beyond my family’s capacity to understand. It hurts that they weren’t there for me and were so angry that I left my husband while I was pregnant. My dad still does not get that it was marrying my ex that was stupid, not leaving him. In his world where divorce is the most evil thing I could do, this will never make sense to him. I don’t mean this to sound offensive towards Mormons, but I really do feel that his religious beliefs make him very limited in his ability to understand abuse and sociopaths. He would just rather have everything in his life look good and to put a smile on his face, while shrugging everything off that doesn’t seem pleasant. I feel that the whole Mormon culture is this way.
My family kept saying, “How can he be a Sociopath if has a successful job? He can’t be that bad. He has a PhD and he’s Mormon!” As if being Mormon and receiving a PhD make someone immune to being evil. It was so exasperating trying to explain it to them. They are so driven by appearances, money, status and religion.
I just couldn’t get through to them and so they cooperated in giving my ex information about me that he tried to twist around in court when I was trying to uphold my Order of Protection against him. I told my dad about all of this a couple of months ago and he was outraged (finally!!) at my ex for saying these things in court. I had believed my ex in court, but my dad claims that the things my ex said are lies and that he and my brothers never said the things about me that my ex claimed they did in court. I do believe my dad and am relieved they did not say these things, but I also don’t think they know enough about Sociopaths to stay away from my ex and to not make the same mistakes with him again. I had told them not to ever talk to him and to just hang up when he called back then, as my therapist advised me to do. They ignored this and kept talking to him behind my back, thinking they could “fix it”. They don’t realize how he lies and twists information, so as long as I tell them information about my life, I have to know that it will go straight into my ex’s ears.
They sympathized with them and they would do it again. He’s good at making people feel sorry for him. He still has managed to look like the victim in many people’s eyes. “Poor me. My wife, who I loved so much, left me out of the blue, for no reason, while she was pregnant. It must have been her hormones. I’m such a victim. Wahhh. Wahhh. Poor, poor me. I think she’s such a bad person who did such a bad, immoral thing because she left the church. . .We should pray for her.” That is the kind of thing that he passes on. Then, he’ll add something crazy like, “This is so out of character for her. Maybe she’s on drugs.”
Then, my whole Mormon family panics. Afterall, they are told that this is what will happen to Mormons who leave the faith. They are convinced that every Mormon who stops believing stopped receiving “revelation” because they are sinning. This must mean that I was sleeping around and doing drugs. I’ve been through this with them before. When I told them I no longer believed in the Mormon faith, they immediately started asking if I was having sex, doing drugs, or “watching rated R movies. It’s just how their minds work. In the meantime, I didn’t sleep around with anyone., ever! I have the same morals as I did while Mormon, but now I OWN these morals. I do what I do because I choose to live my life this way, not because someone else told me I have to live this way. I don’t and never have tried drugs. I don’t even drink! Anyway, that’s a lot of information on my family, but it might help to shed some light on whether or not they are healthy to have in my life and my son’s life.
Thanks for “listening” to my long post. What are your thoughts?
Skylar,
Thanks for your thoughts and for sharing your experiences. It looks like this is a common theme for Sociopaths to turn people’s family and friends against them.
I think you’re right in that the Sociopaths resent goodness in people and try to take it from them and when they can’t, they try to make it look like the person isn’t good. Now, the trick is for me to still feel good and feel like a good person when I feel so ruined.
Dear Jillsmith,
Unfortunately Mormons are NOT the only people who judge others by their own religion and condemn anyone who does nto believe as they do as a “sinner.” My own maternal family was that way, and it is their way or go to hell.
Resolving this in my own mind, and realizing that I DO believe in a loving God but NOT in their “hell fire and brimstone” “god” is a relief for me, really, and my faith and my spirituality have grown so much since I got out of the belief I was “raised” in. I know it is tough to overcome the early programming that we have been given but i am glad that you are managing to find your OWN SPIRITUAL PATH and that you are NOT staying in an abusive relationship to give in to other people’s pressure.
Having a “family” for support is a wonderful thing, but when our family does NOT support us in the healthy way that we need, breaking away from that leaves a void in us until we are able to fill that void, and I have confidence that YOU WILL. I think you are an extremely intelligent young woman and right now you have a heavy burden to bear being a single parent, and trying to heal yourself as well.
Your concerns for your baby show that you are thinking and planning and trying to do the very best for your son that you can do to keep him safe. SAFETY is first and foremost in my mind when it comes to dealign with a psychopath, and believe me I can related to your TIREDNESS with living in hypervigilence. It totally wears us out physically and emotionally and mentally. My own son, C., who is a bit over 2 years out from his attempted murder by his x-wife and her P-BF is still hypervigilent, though he has improved a great deal.
He left this area for about 18 months and then came home to live with his brother and me, didn’t work for 6 months, but has gone back to work about 4 months ago, and is steadily improving on the “two steps forward, one step back” path that we all seem to travel on. But with love, understanding, and support, he is making progress and now doesn’t “freak out” any time he hears a car back fire, or a vehicle drives up in the yard, and is sleeping through the night, has only had 2 migraines in 10 months instead of two a week, etc. It takes TIME to over come the effects (physical and psychological) of STRESS that is unremitting for months or years on end.
My suggestion is to keep changes to a minimum if you are able, and to keep coming here, reading and learning, and receiving validation and support from the great group of folks here. Healing is a journey not a destination, so there will always be room for growth and new learning and new insights.
While your baby may not have the “ideal” of two wonderful parents, I can tell you one thing, HE DOES HAVE ONE WONDERFUL, CARING PARENT!!! THAT’S YOU!!! Fortunately, little babies are not as fragile as we think they are, and they do pretty doggone well if they have a consistent loving presence in their lives and your son has that!!!!
Many of us here have had to leave behind dysfunctional or toxic family members, and that leaves a void where we thought those people “belonged” but building NEW FAMILIES, and NEW friends is possible and I think that many of us are doing just that. Even starting out here on LF in cyberspace is a good step in that direction. Reach out within your circle of TRUST to those people who are supportive and caring, and let those people become your son’s new family. He is better off not learning from dysfunctional people who condemn anyone who doesn’t agree with their religious views or sweep abuse under the rug…..but just like dog doo if swept under the rug, it keeps on STINKING. Your son doesn’t deserve that and neither do you! (Hugs))) and always my prayers to a loving and caring God!
Oxy,
Thank you so much for your words. I really appreciate your perspective on babies and how they overcome things with love.
I have been wondering how you are doing and how your son is doing. It’s good he’s making progress.
I think it’s good advice to keep changes to a minimum right now. That has been my instinct lately.
Good point about the poo! Same thing happens if I don’t run my son’s diaper right outside to the trash the second I change him. Now I’m going to compare that diaper to the crap my family put me through. ha.
I’m impressed you found more spirituality after leaving your religion. I have not gotten to that point. I miss the sense of spirituality I had. I know I believe in God and I pray to Him, but I don’t feel spiritual like I used to when I was Mormon. I miss worshipping with other people, but have been so scared of religion after what I went through in the Mormon church. I wish I could tap into that spiritual energy on my own and I wish I had the close relationship with God again. I try, but I think I feel like such a failure lately that my poor self-esteem is getting in the way of my spirituality. Does that make sense?
Anyway, thank you so much for your responses. I always learn so much from you and end up feeling much better about myself through your kind words. It means a lot to me. You’re awesome! 🙂
Wonderful! Thank You!
Dear Jill,
“Religion” and spirituality are NOT the same. “Religion” is only the OUTWARD part of being spiritual. There are plenty of people who “have religion’ but have NO spirituality. some of the WORST psychopaths pretend to have “religion” and a “moral code” but like your X, being “Mormon” doesn’t make him have any morals or any spiritual connection to anything outside himself.
Plenty of people who ARE spiritual also profess a “religion” but just sitting in a church doesn’t make you a Christian any mroe than sitting in a chicken house makes you lay eggs! The FAKE MASK OF RELIGION is one that many psychopaths use to cover their EVIL NATURES, but it does not mean that all people who have religion and are spiritual besides are fakes, only SOME. Even the Bible says that there will be FALSE PROPHETS come among the christians and lead some astray.
Look back at that article I wrote about “Reverend” Tony alamo, if ever there was a FALSE PROPHET he is/was one. Some of the people who followed him I believe are very sincere, but that doesn’t mean HE IS ANYTHING BUT A FAKE.
Your spirituality and your belief in God is between YOU and GOD not what someone else says you “should” believe. I had alway read the Bible but I “read it” with the prejudices of my early “religious teaching” and after i saw how false that was, I started reading the Bible with a DIFFERENT EYE, and I saw things in the Bible that opened my eyes to a different spiritual feeling. Jesus said “where there are two or three of you gathered together, there I am also”—you and your baby are “two” and you and your child can worship together as a family. You can pray, and believe me I totally believe that as the book of Romans says “all things work together for good to those that love God.” sometimes it is in GOD’s timie, not ours, and sometimes “bad” things happen that later on down the line turn out to have been blessings from God.
Personally, anything that got you away from your X is a GOOD thing. So, times are tough now, but you are away from that EVIL MONSTER of a “human being.” Even if YOU are the ONLY one in the world that knows he is evil, that is ENOUGH.
Back in the days when people thought that the world was flat, it did NOT change the truth even though 100% of the people thought it was true. TRUTH is not “fluid” it is FACT. YOU are able to validate your own truth, and do not have to feel bad because others (family etc) don’t believe you.
I also turned to my church family for validation and they refused to validate me. Recently I turned to another minister that I hoped would listen and help me stop my egg donor (she is NOT a mother, as that term is earned) from sending money to my P-son so he can mount another attack on me in the future. The man listened, but DID NOTHING. I sent him a letter yesterday “thanking” him for listening, but NICELY telling him that the very “christians” I had depended on to help me in my hour of need had either not listened, or not acted. It was VERY TACTFUL—or as my late husband would have said about being “tactful” it is telling someone to “go to hell” and make them “happy to be on their way.”
Fortunately, I was not emotionally injured by this failure of a minister to act in a Christian way, because I had not trusted that he would, hoped somewhat, but was NOT disappointed or devestated because he didn’t do what he, as a Christian, and as a minister should have done—and that is to comfort those needing help. NO suprise. But that doesn’t make me angry at God because I TRUST that God’s word that HE WILL take care of me, and that everything will work together for my benefit, even if I don’t see it now. My worship and my trust is in my heart, and between me and God, not between me and someone else telling me how I should do or not do things.
I’m sorry your parents assumed if you are not a “good Mormon” that you are a druggie whore and a liar and a bad mother, but just because they believe that, doesn’t make it so. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH, and the “truth will set you free, but first it may pith you off!”
But, you ARE stronger than you know you are, and I have confidence that you will heal, you will take care of your baby. You are TIRED now, but REST and take care of you and your baby, and don’t worry about anyone else. Like “Mandy” here, you are learning great lessons at a younger age than some of the rest of us here! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you sweetie, and your sweet baby! Give him a hug for his Auntie Oxy!
“
Jill,
my catholic faith has also been a disappointment to me. One priest was yawning when I was telling him the horror stories of my XP (and anyone who has read my posts here can tell you how hair-raising it was). He just said it happened because we were not married and living in sin. Then I mentioned that we had not had sex for 15 years and he was shocked.
(Like, wait, you’re a priest right? Why is no-sex shocking to you).
He said,”You’ve been living as brother and sister?” LOL. That’s not how I would describe it but whatever floats your boat.
As usual God provided comfort to me: the priest informed me that, had we been married in the Catholic church, we would not be able to divorce in the eyes of God. I would have been doomed to be spiritually married to the P for eternity. The way I saw it, God intervened and saved me.
The second priest freaked out and ran away. Saying, “I’m only a poor parish priest, I don’t know what to tell you!” then got up and left.
People are just not used to hearing the REALITY of life. We got a bucket of cold water thrown in our faces that most people do not have to deal with. But here at LF we all know that once that bucket hits, we are extremely aware of REALITY. We know there are vampires out there everywhere. We are the only ones awake and on guard. We are an different from the others now.
Please, get the books I recommended, “The sociopath next door” and “Why is it always about you?”
They will help you and they will help convince your family.
I still go to mass on sunday because I like the sermons and hope to meet good people, but I do take my “church” and its congregation with a grain of salt. All is not always what it appears.
Oxy,
I got your reply from yesterday although for the life of me I can’t find what thread it was on! But I did read it last night.
I know you must think I am either hard headed or DENSE….Because you have to repeat this stuff to me so many times….LOL.
But I DO HEAR you…Not only do I hear you but your words “say” to me exactly what the intelligent side of my brain echoes to me….Of course it has taken my “heart” longer to catch up to what my brain has thought for quite awile….
The truth is……….I really DO have that GOD AWFUL realization in my HEART.
For the most part I think I know in my “head” that what is going on with my son isn’t just going to “go away” or get better, or improve……Medications (my last resort to CLING to) are more than likely, not going to improve anything either. (however it IS a glimmer of hope, at least the doctors perspective is to PUSH that)
I have seen the progression with my own eyes. From where it started to where he is now. Because this seemingly came out of nowhere (I didn’t see any disturbing signs before 15 yrs old) it has naturally taken me awile to wrap my brain around this….And of course a mothers heart,…..well it takes much longer.
My heart is catching up with my brain though……I always go “back” to the “medications” because THAT is what the doctor that have talked to me “honestly” (those that even recognize he has a problem) have reccomended.
That I MUST GET him take this medication. Even Dr. Leedom emphasized the importance of this when I spoke with her.
On a personal level, I wanted him to take the medication to PROVE one way or another, if this “distorted thinking” CAN be modified. If he did take the meds for any length of time I could see what “was left”…..In other words what would the drugs “target” (moods, ADHD issues, distorted thinking) and what would they NOT have any impact on…..I also know that the medications might not do any GOOD.
I am a failure in this as I can NOT get him to take these medications. And the more he knows I WANT him to take these meds the less likely he will be to take them. So I have long since given up on even asking him to take them.
Perfect! Well said!