In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
I found this Facinating
http://www.ted.com/talks/rebecca_saxe_how_brains_make_moral_judgments.html
Easy,
I have no sound 🙁
Skylar,
Is there a rational mind behind all this, is the million dollar question?
If so, then I should be chinking away to.
Witsend
When you get speakers, You can pick them up at any pawnshop for cheap! I will save these links for you !
Fight the good Fight! You are an amazing woman! And in My prayers!
OMG. Yesterday 2 out of the 4 of my sons teachers called ME. He has totally shut down at school. This is early on in the year even for him for TOTAL shut down. The 3rd teacher I correspond with regularly by email. And the 4th teacher doesn’t give a crap either way so he doesn’t respond to email or anything else.
The one teacher said that my son turned in his test blank. Sat there and did absolutely not one thing the entire hour. Says he does that every day in his period.
Second teacher “ditto” almost word for word. Just sits there with a blank stare the entire period.
The 2 that called have already “had it” with him. They are new teachers for him this year. His other 2 teachers are repeat teachers he had in the past.
Today the at risk counselor called and there is an intervention meeting set up for me to attend this Friday.
IDK why this is stressing me so much but it is. I have already accepted that he is not going to be in school for very long. It is just the matter of when he will choose to stop going.
This meeting was inevidable since the first week of school. Yet I DREAD it with every bone in my body because somehow I know I will be sitting at that table and feel as helpless as if I was sinking in a river without a life raft.
They will all sit there and shuffle their papers and have opinions of what we should do from here on in. And of course they will ask him what he thinks (he won’t say much) Stone faced. And they will ask me what I think.
BUT REALLY, what CAN you say about a kid who goes to school every day and sits in EVERY class for a full hour and doesn’t even lift a pencil to do a paper sitting on the desk right in front of him? And just stares into space?
It would actually make more sense if he cut school from time to time. Thats how alot of kids would “act out”.
Or disrupt the class by clowning around, or baiting other kids. Or starting fights or…Fill in the blank.
Mine sits there quietly and methodically just “proving his point”. And what is the point?
Why am I stressed. Last year I requested such a meeting. This year I don’t want to go.
Witsend, does he have to be present at this meeting?
It seems to me that your only option is to be honest with them, and tell them what you’ve told us. Let them know you’re at your wits end and that you’ve tried everything.
It’s sad that his point making is really nothing more than cutting off his nose to spite his face.
I’m sending you white light to help you with your anxiety. I know you’re gonna do fine. XXXX
kim,
they want him present at this meeting because as the school sees it…..He is the only one who can turn this around. We can all sit around and discuss what to do. But W/O his willingness…..The school can’t do anything for him.
The school counselor that will be present is the one, who had witnessed a SIDE of him late last year that makes me think she is aware that his problem is “mental” so to speak. I don’t know how much she does “get it” but she gets at least a part of it. She herself was “shaken” with her incident with him last year and she couldn’t hide that from me. It was in her voice.
I almost begged this woman last year for her help. I certainly PLEADED with her. I was in such a bad place and I just knew that she knew something….I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted her to be frank with me. NOT beat around the bush.
She also quit her job at the VERY SAME facility where I took my son for his therapy. She left that facility to come to the school and work. She even knew his counselor.
My take on this meeting, is that the school is required to not totally ignore this problem. However this is all documented and on record to show that they will have met their requirements to at least address the situation by having this meeting.
Because last year when I requested it, the meeting didn’t happen 1-2-3. It took awile to set it in motion, blah blah…I had almost given up that it was going to even happen at all.
Kel:
You do have a court order…the decree……
He has not complied and you can show it with payment ledgers.
Done.
If you really want it, and you decide it’s worth it….
Take it yourself…(with male help).
Call the bank (loan co.) and remove ANY access he may have to your account….require that they ask a password to access this account. AND NOT YOUR MOTHERS MAIDEN, SS and common passwords that most generically ask…..require them to enter a password that YOU demand.
He has NO right to access your account! Period.
Also. require them to flag your account for any one other than YOU inquiring. Tell them you are divorced.
This will NOT stop him from sending a check to the account….they can always accept that assuming the account # is on the check….etc…..
BUT you need to set it up with loan/bank that he can be given no information on account PERIOD.
Dear Wits, they are just creating documents to show that they “tried”—-covering their own butts.
Sky still think that you don’t “get it” on an emotional level…sky your posts sound like you are still trying to think he wants “love”—Sky, he has NO IDEA what it is….he doesn’t WANT IT, he couldn’t process it if it slapped him up beside the head with an iron skillet! They do not have receptors for the BONDING HORMONE Oxytocin, or at least not enough of them.
Objective, ob-smective! There is NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP HIM, FIX HIM, OR WHATEVER—the ONLY thing you can do is to PROTECT YOURSELF, GET AWAY FROM HIM, NC NC NC NC NC!!!!!!! EMOTIONAL AS WELL AS PHSYCIAL NC….until you get THAT you will keep on waffling back and forth, back and forth!!!!
QUOTE SKYLAR: “Once I contact him I’m not sure I’ll be able to control the fear. ” For goodness sakes, Sky, WHY CONTACT HIM!!!!?????
quote:” That hardwiring that everyone talks about is not hardwired for evil. ” I BELIEVE YOU ARE WRONG THERE, if you are right, how come so many of them (all?) seem to GET OFF ON the enjoyment of other’s pain?
QUOTE: “Remembering this stuff has helped me put myself in his shoes. ” Sky, I don’t think ANY of us can truly put ourselves in “their shoes” because we have a conscience. You may HATE, all of us have at times, and most of us get over it, THEY DON’T. They are incapable of love. They can’t understand even what it is, any more than we can truly understand what they FEEL without a conscience. We can guess, but it is like they are from MARS and we are from Earth. We have no real frame of reference and neither do they. Difference is that we can SEE and CARE about the effects of our behavior—we can FEEL remosrse, and we can FEEL love, they can’t.
Sky, sweetie, fixing them is like trying to teach a pig to sing, it frustrates you and pisses the pig off! This is about giving up PITY AND HOPE FOR THEM. Especially the PITY, as long as you pity a rattle snake you are in trouble. I’m sorry, I have NO PITY for a rattle snake. I have no pity for a psycholpath either. They both ARE WHAT THEY ARE! I don’t try to understand what makes a rattle snake a rattle snake either. It just IS WHAT IT IS. And I realize that no matter how “nice” you are to it, it is NOT GOING TO GROW FUR AND LOVE YOU BACK LIKE A PUPPY! A puppy understands bonding, understands kindness and returns it, the rattle snake isn’t going to, no matter how much you care about it.
I know I’m on a stump “preaching” here Sky, so please forgive me if I am being too overbearing, but I care so much about you and I see what appears to be you still looking for excuses for them. I KNOW it is a difficult concept to get your head around, much less your heart! Your caring and empathetic self is what is wonderful about you, and I don’t want to change that about you at all—its what makes you special, but at the same time, it scares me to see you ever the optimist about psychopaths! ((((hugs)))) you can take my skillet and boink me if you feel like it, Love Oxy
I just talked to the P for about 3 hours.
He wants to go see a counselor about his narcissism.
OMG.
I told him, I know it’s a ploy. but he says he needs confirmation that what I told him about narcissism is true.
WHEW!
Yesterday’s run in with Buffus was just a warm up.
Today, The phone rang and it was my xP saying he was thinking about the cats and wanted to know if they were OK. then he was going to hang up, he didn’t even ask about the house or ask for money.
So I took the opportunity to tell him about everything I know about his personality disorder. it’s a bummer that I couldn’t do it face to face, so I could see his expression.
At every turn, he would respond in a narcissistic way and I would point out his thought process to him. I would explain to him that he is a sociopath and emotionally retarded. I gave him the whole speel.
At first he suggested that he would go to a psychiatrist and call me in a few years when he was “healed”. Of course he was gently scornful at the entire idea of being a disordered individual. I told him to stop having that attitude – that this was a very serious thing.
Later he asked me why I don’t see a psychiatrist for myself. I told him that I can’t afford it and he offered to pay. I told him, “you know what? I already know what they’ll tell me. They’ll tell me to RUN RUN RUN AWAY FROM YOU. They’ll tell me that you are dangerous and that I’m crazy for wanting to be with you.” Then I started to cry. And then he suggested that we should go to counseling together. I told him it’s too expensive at 180/hr for thousands of hours, if he wasn’t serious. I explained to him that it is virtually unheard of for a narcissist to change because they don’t want to. I asked him if he wants to.
That conversation went around in circles talking about peter pan, michael jackson, huckleberry finn… all the disordered personalities who don’t want to grow up. I asked him, “you once told me that you didn’t want to grow up, is that still true?”
This is the only question that he answered truthfully, he said “no, I don’t. because it means your bones ache, you have to worry about finances, and your wife leaves you”
That went around for a while and I explained that your wife doesn’t leave you if you don’t chase her off.
Anyway, I can’t post the entire 3 hour conversation, but I explained that he needs to want to change. He says that if a psychiatrist tells him that he is a narcissist, he will want to change. So he wants me to get a name of a psychiatrist and send him the information and he will make an appointment. I told him that he is probably thinking about manipulating the psychiatrist because that’s what narcissists do. He denied that.
It was a really interesting conversation. He was very nice the whole time. he seemed genuine – but then we know he’s very very good. what he doesn’t know is that I have recordings of his evil nature so that if he tries to trick the psychiatrist, I will have evidence to the contrary.
I don’t see what angle he could have unless he just wants to kill me at the psychiatrists office. Or put a bug on my car so he can track it. He would not admit that the homeland security thing was a ruse.
I’m gonna let this information sink into his brain for a while and then decide on my next move.