In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
Oxy,
I ended my above post without finishing what I was trying to say…Because I had to go somewhere, and get there on time.
I guess the medications to me seemed so important because it is part of the process of elimination.
If medication doesn’t correct any part of the “problem”, that in itself speaks volumes. It would be like having any other disease and taking medication to see if this would prove to be helpful.
The short time he was on meds it took the “edge off” of his mood swings. Not alot of improvement but he wasn’t on the full doseage yet either. It is also possible that with time on the meds, there wouldn’t be any more improvement.
Naturally that small, small, glimmer of hope (taking the edge off) was more than I found in any of the other avenues I have taken with trying to get help for this child.
I suppose that is why it is hard for me to just LET it go. I HAVE given up asking him to take the meds because he flatly refuses….
But to be honest if there was a way that I could have them administered to him against his will (until he was of age)….I would do that.
Witsend
did you see my post to you on Diet & exercise, music ? Meds will only drug him! It’s A life stile change and accountability and responceability that He needs! IMHO
Easy,
Yes I did see that post. Thank You….
Trust me if someone told me, even 3 years ago that I would be WANTING to medicate my kid….I would have told them that they were NUTS. No way…there are lots of other “avenues” and things to try first.
When my husband commited suicide my doctor wanted to put me on anti depressants and sleeping pills (because I couldn’t sleep). I REFUSED both.
I knew that I WAS “depressed” because of what happened and the pills would not change what happened. I knew I had to FIRST accept what happened, grieve and deal with it, before I could even think of taking meds. Medication at that point in my life, I thought would be more of an “avoidance” of what happened. I needed time to process it and deal with it. Although I was open minded enough to know I might need the meds later after I started the road to recovery, I was adamant about not taking them early on. (I never took the meds later either)
I am NOT a huge advocate of pill pushing or medications if they don’t seem absolutely necessary. In other words I will always pursue other avenues first.
However as my user name implies I am at my WITSEND….
This is not just a teenager in his rebellion years. This is a kid who has possibly more than one disorder. His thinking is VERY distorted. He does not live in reality. What he says is HIS reality and this is in direct CONFLICT of what his actions are.
You would think that because he is 16 years old that you WOULD/SHOULD have some ability to be able to hold him accountable (as a parent) but he disorder is EVERY bit as cunning and baffling as it would be in an adult. And he manipulates and controls every situation just as well as any full blown adult with a personality disorder would do.
I KNOW that is hard to believe, I have trouble believing it myself and I LIVE with it on a daily basis. But it is the “ugly” truth.
A good example would be this….Right now even the LAW is on my side (for 3 more months) that he has to attend school. He can’t quit w/o perental permission until he is 17. However because he doesn’t “want” to go to school and the law (& myself) says he has to, he goes to school and sleeps in every class. (consequently fails every class) THIS is his way of “one upping” the system.
You can take the horse to water but you can’t make him drink. (I take him to school but can’t make him perform once he is there)
If I fed him a diet that he didn’t want he would do one of two things. STARVE himself (I’m NOT kidding, he can get pretty radical) and turn me into the authorities, saying I am not feeding him at all, or he would just simply not eat at home. And use his own money to eat Mc donalds or some other less than desireable junk food.
He DOES have a part time job, and this is the ONE and only thing he does show some responsibility…. AND although this appears on the “outside” to be a GOOD thing I have learned that “money” simply put, is his motivation right at the present moment. It is seasonal work and he can focus just long enough to get “through” the short season. Because to him money is his freedom. He feels “bigger and better” than his friends because they don’t have jobs. It is feeding into his distorted thinking and NOT teaching him the responsibility that you normally find when teenagers have their first jobs.
PERSONALLY I believed much of what that you said…..TWO years ago….Well if I do this, change this, try this….Blah, Blah….
It doesn’t work. Any more than if you tried giving an adult with a personality disorder/mood disorder, a different diet, more exercise, calming music. I can’t MAKE him listen to my choice of music for him anymore than I can MAKE him perform in school unfortunately.
He doesn’t believe he has a problem. He passes blame, he lies, he has NO concept of reality, he has distorted thinking, he manipulates, and even when he looses he WINS because of his distorted thinking. And that is really all he cares about.
WINNING….It never matters what it “cost” him. In his eyes, he won.
I’ve been reading blogs for the past month and they really help get through dealing with the dude that’s in my life that fits everything that I read I realize this is what he is, all he’s told me has been nothing but lies he used me to the point that I have nothing but yet he still says he love me. Don’t call, don’t spend any time with me what so ever, This got to be the worst situation I’ve ever dealt with an the fact that I still love him makes the situation worst. How can I still love someone who’s not there at all.
luv,
because your heart believes the lies.
sorry to be so blunt. My experience has been so all-consuming that I have nothing left but the truth. My heart goes out to you.
Why did God make something so disgusting?
If it is a survival mechanism for them -their manipulation and lies – where is our survival mechanism? Stockholm syndrome? is that the best that God can do for us? No, there has to be better. We need to find it.
Thank-you I’m open for better, but I gotta get past this hurt, too many sleepless nights.
luv716 – welcome, read and learn – knowledge equals power – the truth will set you free – if you are here you are on the right road – hang on….you will stop hurting I promise..
luv716:
“How can I still love someone who’s not there at all?”
Please do NOT beat yourself up over this. It’s not your fault. He is the one who is dysfunctional, not you. I also kept right on loving someone who was not there for me, too. It went on for years. But, I finally grew tired of his game, saw him for what he really was, and I went No Contact on him (after MANY failed attempts).
I never saw him after that. And, over time, my pain (and my “love” for him) became less and less, down to nothing (or at least almost nothing), as I found new interests.
If you have been reading these blogs for the past month, then I am assuming you understand what No Contact is, right?
I strongly recommend going No Contact on this man, give yourself time to heal from this, and move on to healthier relationships in the future.
I would encourage you to keep reading the articles on this site, and posting your thoughts, as well.
This is what happen in my life. Im in love with what I know is a pathological liar, I’ve been with this man since Jan 2009 everything was fine for the first 3 months than he change. When I met him he told me he was divorced. Which I don’t know is the truth or not. Heres the killer part my house caught on fire Jan 2009 and I have two children we moved in with my guy because we didn’t have no where else to go he welcome us. Little did I know he was being paid for letting us stay with him long story but I just found out. Around March is when things started getting strange he’s ex wife as he say birthday in that month so I’m assuming he was rekinding his marriage because he stop coming home at nights but would have every excuse in the world. Ok my funds starting paying out on my house and of course by us living there I felt it would only be right to help out where help was needed, he would borrow as he say from me to help him get on his feet which I gave it to him because I felt like this was the man of my dreams and I was helping build out future. Ok to make a long story short I feel so used. I was told by him that he was gonna rent his place out and once my house was complete we would move in there together and build our life together Ok my home been complete for the past 2months and his place is rented but Im still alone he told me he put his clothes in storage (lie) and he staying at his mothers on the couch another (lie). Even after that I was trying to hold on an hope things would get better because I need this man to pay my money back that he borrowed from me, I damn near broke and I have a family to take care of. Im on my last leg I told him to return what he used and let me go. I almost feel like I’m losing my mind I pray that God will take this pain away, and keep me strong this is all a mess. I never thought someone that made me feel so loved in the beginning could use and play me just for money. I stop calling and stop texting because it hurts so bad when he don’t answer the phone and he don’t return my calls. He call me maybe once a week to tell me that he’s gonna help me out and that he still love me. I still love him and still hope that it will be alright but the truth is I don’t believe it will. He will never admitt it but he’s with somebody else and it kills me to know that he took from me and my kids and move on happily with his life while I’m still here feeling stupid, lonely, and used.
luv… I’m here feeling stupid, lonely, and used also. I did the same thing you did, I hung in there a while hoping to get my money back, I didn’t, I loaned him more. It takes time to start feeling better, I feel a little bit better than I did a few months ago. Keep reading and posting here on LF! It helps! One of the many many things I have learned is that I don’t loan ANYONE money, nobody pays it back, even friends / women, / family, I don’t make other people’s problems MY problems… if I’m ever “in love” again and he needs money… GOODBYE TO HIM!!!! You might be confusing loving him with longing. Anyway, I’m going to start feeling good about myself, life is short, this will pass, and it is all in my attitude. I’m not going to let one lousy person ruin my life. I have good days and bad days, it’s normal. God will take your pain away, and YOU ARE STRONG!!!!!