In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
Luv716:
“this has blindsided me it consumes all of my thoughts and energy.”
Luv, this is totally understandable.
Your pain is still fresh from your ordeal, and you are still reeling from everything that has happened. What you are feeling is normal.
But, you are here at LoveFraud, and you are making an appointment for therapy. These are all positive steps on a path of healing.
Time (away from this man) will also heal your wounds, and you will get your life back on track.
There is no doubt in my mind that you will recover from this situation.
In fact, you will come out of this stronger than ever, armed with knowledge (power) for future relationships!
LUV, make sure your therapist understands what LOVEFRAUD is, that you were dealing with someone with a personality disorder or worse. Ask before you go in if they have ever treated someone that was emotionally raped/emotionally betryaed/conned, whatever you want to call it. It helps IMMENSELY to have a therapist who has treated this before.
Ok, Thanks
Actually, I would add that it helps to have a therapist who knows what a sociopath is. Some do, and some don’t.
It’s completely normal to feel empty and embarrassed, longing for the sociopath still, and whatever other feelings you may have about being betrayed. You loved this person, and he betrayed your trust in a really horrible way. It really sucks, but it does eventually get better if you let yourself feel the feelings and continue to talk about them. Try as best as you can to be very kind to yourself. Eat well, and try to exercise and sleep in spite of what is going on.
When do you get to the point where you can do the No Contact its almost like Im doing that but still hoping that he will change and make it all better. Thats why I truely feel I need help because I still have hope and the way this man can treated me is wrong. I know what love feel like I was in love with my kids father but he died. I know you don’t go everyday of the week without contact and than when you contact you say I love you. His words melt my heart because I love him too. This the worst!
Dear luv,
I feel your pain, and I remember feeling the same way like it was yesterday. What you are going through is the “bargaining” phase of grieving. You look for signs that maybe he really isn’t so bad. This is the hardest part because it’s so easy to break the no-contact rule during this time. You want so badly to believe he is human and caring, like you. But keep reading. Sociopaths are not cut from the same cloth as the rest of us. They are master con artists and they are very good at it. There are psychologists, psychiatrists, and fraud attorneys here who have all been fooled by sociopaths.
It is normal to still love him, long for him, and think of him every minute of the day. It’s like an addiction and you are going through withdrawals. Please believe me when I say that if you can just maintain no-contact no matter what, your mind will start to clear. It’s one of the hardest things you may ever have to do, but you can do it. You may never understand completely why he did what he did. And you will never have closure with a sociopath. But you can lessen and stop the negative impact he has on your life by just getting away from him. You can begin setting healthy boundaries right now. By going no-contact with him, you are saying, “I refuse to be treated that way, and anyone who treats me like that is not allowed into my life.” You are worth it!
You have to do the No Contact, even when you feel like you can’t. Just keep blogging here. Whoever is here will help you through it. It takes time, but you DO get through it.
Hugs to you.
Another point I wanted to make is that it is not really him you are longing for but the person you believed him to be. That person (sadly) does not exist.
Witsend
Thanks! When I first found Love Fraud, I did not want to believe there was no helping these people!Comming to terms with the FACT! that I could not help the person I thought I loved saved me!
However I still believe that there is help only that what it requires is above and beyond an Insurance comp. willingness to pay and FAR from a normal working persons ability to pay! With absolutely no Garantee or warrenty!
I looked into Earth house, some where close to $250.00 per day!
My P lives off the state of Fl.
Who runs The US Govt?
Connections And Then Some
2003-03-14, Washington Post
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn?pagename=article&node=&contentId=A25…
The Carlyle Group [is] an investment house famous as one of the most well-connected companies anywhere. Former president George H.W. Bush is a Carlyle adviser. Former British prime minister John Major heads its European arm. Former secretary of state James Baker is senior counselor, former White House budget chief Richard Darman is a partner, former SEC chairman Arthur Levitt is senior adviser — the list goes on. Those associations have brought Carlyle enormous success. The Washington-based merchant bank controls nearly $14 billion in investments, making it the largest private equity manager in the world. It buys and sells whole companies the way some firms trade shares of stock. But the connections also have cost Carlyle. It has developed a reputation as the CIA of the business world — omnipresent, powerful, a little sinister. Media outlets from the Village Voice to BusinessWeek have depicted Carlyle as manipulating the levers of government from shadowy back rooms. Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga.) even suggested that Carlyle’s and Bush’s ties to the Middle East made them somehow complicitous in the Sept. 11 terror attacks. It didn’t help that as the World Trade Center burned on Sept. 11, 2001, the news interrupted a Carlyle business conference at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel here attended by a brother of Osama bin Laden. Former president Bush, a fellow investor, had been with him at the conference the previous day. Bush[‘s] primary function is to give speeches for Carlyle that attract wealthy foreigners in places where the former president is especially revered, such as Asia. The company has rewarded its faithful with a 36 percent average annual rate of return.
Note: If the above link fails, click here. To understand the amazingly powerful role of this low-profile, yet extremely wealthy and influential group, click here to view free a 48-minute documentary shown on Dutch national TV which clearly depicts the depths of corruption and deceit at the highest levels of government. You will be thankful that you watched this highly educational film.
Do you tell him how you feel before you do the No Contact or do you just stop calling and answering the phone? I feel like I need to let him know this is it I can do this anymore like it will help me with closure. I’ve broke up with guys before but its never been this hard!