In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
Do you tell him how you feel before you do the No Contact or do you just stop calling and answering the phone? I feel like I need to let him know this is it I can not do this anymore like it will help me with closure. I’ve broke up with guys before but its never been this hard!
Luv 716, I wouldnt waste your time.There is NEVER ever any closure with Narcopaths. You will never get closure. He has no real feelings, so dont worry about telling him how you feel. you are just a source of supply to him, he will simply move on to the next victim. They are soulless parasites.they are expert actors and simply mirror us. We say “I love you, they say the same. But their :I love you means “I will use you and drain you dry then Ill dump you”.I know how hard this is, but NC is the only way.Dont worry re hurting his feelings, did he ever worry about hurting yours? GemxxGood Luck.Kick him to the kerb.
luv,
I think the response here will be an ovewhelming VOTE of no..Do not tell him. Just don’t answer the phone or his text or emails or whatever other way he might make contact…Including showing up on your doorstep. don’t answer the door.
I know you think it will “feel” better to tell him you are done and you might think you will get more closure this way….But that is how you break up with a “normal” guy. HE will just use it as bait. And remember he doesn’t like to loose. So if you break up with him, its likely he will have to “one up” you….And then the “saga” will just continue. And the saga will be at your expense.
The best way to get rid of him is to be boaring, no drama, no emotions…Nothing.
Thanks for the response, it feel like a never ending journey. So many why question and how questions. I’m so so tired.
I know its a gradual process its like I can’t get what he did to me out of my head!!!!
Yep you have to disppear into thin air, Luv.
The reason is because they all have a terrible fear of abandonment. It’s all consuming and they would rather see you dead than be abandoned. It’s very dangerous that’s why it must be planned carefully. Remember, they don’t have feelings or morals so the only thing keeping him from committing horrible crimes are the consequences. But given enough stress, they can snap.
You feeling like you want to talk about is the horrible situation all the time. Do you ever forget
Like I said horrible situation can you believe I wanted this man to love me so much that during the time I was living with him. I went out with my best friend and I came back to his house unexpectedly and I actually walk in on him in the bed with another woman. He lied so good about the situation an so truthful that I believe him. He actually told me it was his daughter an she had gotten in a car accident and thats how she end up at his house with him because he had to pick her up after the accident and she end up in his bed because had guest came in from out of town and they was on the spare room, but still I fell for the okedoke. Now I look back on my stupidity. Like I said right now all I can do is focus on all the heartache this man has cause me.
Oh yeah an by the way I only meet his oldest daughter once and didn’t remember what she look like. The way he explain the situation he made me feel stupid for thinking that he could ever do anything so callaus knowing that I had a key to his place all LIES!!!!!!
Luv716,
Don’t say a thing to him. First of all, he does not care. Secondly, if he knows you are angry, that shows you still care. He will find some way to use that against you in his power game. It’s not worth it.
When I found out my sociopath was a sociopath, I simply asked him never to contact me again. I told him that if he contacted me, I would turn him into the army for adultery (I eventually did). Later, I wrote him the most scathing email letting him know that I found out about all his lies. But the email never got through because he had already removed me from his email list. I thank my lucky stars that email never got through. It would have created more drama with him, and maybe even given him some grounds to trash me or hurt me further. Just make it clear that you are done with him. If he continues to call or email, you can tell him that if it continues, you will contact the police, that you wish no further contact from him. Then put your money where your mouth is, and DISAPPEAR from his life.