In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
Excellent article!
I’ve decided to be “loving” in all my life. I want serenity alone. I don’t want a false sense of security because I have a partner. I have to be secure in/with myself.
Also…I think with the idea of “falling” in and out of love…something or someone will get “broken.” So…while I may be in a loving (romantic-type) relationship someday, I want to remember…change is inevitable. I will try to not attach myself to an illusion.
Lovefraud, once again, has helped me move along and free myself a little more!
Thank you!
Luv, yes I can believe you wanted him that much. And that he was that convincing…because we’ve all been there and done things that now we look back and think how was I so stupid?
But we weren’t stupid. We were very trusting. Most of us had no idea that someone could say those loving things and be telling lies. That someone would hurt us on purpose. That someone could be that brazen, that manipulative.
Dr. Phil says think of the MINIMUM thing you have to do to give yourself closure. you won’t get closure with him. You have to give it to yourself. Burn everything that reminds of you him, whatever it takes. Write a letter to him and burn that.
Why can’t you get him out of your mind? Because he doesn’t make sense. It is called cognitive dissonance, which means your brain is saying, wait, this doesn’t make sense. Like two opposing facts. 1) Cigarettes have been a part of my daily routine and a great source of satisfaction for most of my adult life. 2) Cigarettes can literally kill me, and sooner rather than later. If you are addicted to the cigarettes, you won’t be able to stop thinking about them when you first give them up….not just because of the addictive qualities (and love produces chemicals that hook us too) , but because your brain is saying wait a minute. l LOVE cigarettes. Wait a minute. Cigarettes can kill me. Wait a minute I LOVE cigarettes. Only with a person it is worse, because you can replay every time you had with him over and over in your mind, every thing he said, everything you said. Finally I used that to my advantage. I replayed the scenes, but this time I imagined what I would have said THEN if I knew what I know NOW. It was very therapeutic.
And truly, you were just missing some very critical knowledge…about how P’s act, etc. You weren’t on the look out for that. NOW you are.
I’m not saying NC is easy. It is not. God, I SO wanted to talk to him one more time, even if just to tell him off. But I came to realize that he wouldn’t hear it no matter what I said, because we speak a foreign language of feelings, and care, and responsibility that they SIMPLY CAN’t COMPUTE. And they don’t even know what they don’t know, just like a retarded child doesn’t realize all that they don’t know and can never know. Nor do my dogs. They are quite happy and content with what they know.
Hope this makes sense. It isn’t easy, I know.
For me, I just came to a point where I knew I couldn’t let myself be treated in that way any more. I didn’t even know what a sociopath was when I said “enough”. I knew something was very wrong, but I didn’t put a label to it until later. Even though I knew it would be very detrimental for me to go back to him, I longed and yearned for him for a long, long time. It was hell on earth to long for someone you couldn’t have, someone who didn’t even really exist! You keep fantasizing that maybe he can change and imagining that deep down he really loves you. The purpose of the obsessing is to protect you from the overwhelming grief you need to go through. When I finally faced the pain (it came in waves) I started to feel better. Just know that all this wondering and obsessing is a part of the grieving process, and it’s a lot about not wanting to face the pain of what actually happened. I really hope that you can set a clear boundary for yourself. “This is what is acceptable, and this is not acceptable. It doesn’t matter what his excuse is…if he’s lying in a gutter dying, or if he just came down with cancer, or if his mother just died, or if he had a horrible childhood. They are masters at playing the sympathy card. The bottom line is, “What is acceptable and what is not?”
For me, it was just unacceptable to stand me up with no explanation. That is the last thing my ex did before I cut him off. It’s not half as bad as some of the things that have happened to people here. But it was my bottom line. Setting firm boundaries, even while you are in crisis, will save your life.
So, veering off the topic slightly, I have mentioned in another thread here that I recently spent the weekend with a young guy that I’ve had some history with, and it was my first real date since the sociopath. I also mentioned that it was very bittersweet because–even though we had a great affair–the age difference between us is too great for a serious relationship. I dropped him off at the airport on Sunday. And now I am hurting because I miss him terribly. I know they say it’s better to have loved and lost and all that…..but wow. I don’t have any regrets, but it still hurts. I keep hearing the song going through my mind, “Someone to Lay Down Beside Me”. And I keep crying.
I decided to just get back on the horse. I have a few more dates lined up this weekend with guys closer to my own age. I haven’t been attracted to many guys my own age in the last 10 years, but I figure it’s just a numbers game. Anyway, I’m not one to jump at relationships. I always try to see if the guy can be my friend. If they love animals (including snakes) they have friendship possibility right off the bat.
This is my love life, a year and 3 months post-sociopath. Ugh. Plodding along here, at 48 years old, soon to be 49.
Stargazer,
I’m not far behind you in years. It’s hard enough getting older, but also being physically attracted to older people is harder than it was to be attracted to teenagers. The last time I was out looking for guys I was looking at teenagers and 20 year olds – I was 17. Now, they aren’t looking at me! I have aged well but facts are facts. 25 years later is 25 years older.
Add to that, at 17 my standards weren’t that high -OBVIOUSLY, I settled for an evil P! I could get along with anyone and sex was casual.
Now add to that, my P radar. Everywhere I look I see someone on the P continuum, so I have trust issues.
Last of all, when i meet men, they ask me about myself. I would be better off telling them I’ve been in prison for 25 years, than the truth: I have no job, no life and live with my P-parents because the last 25 years I’ve been in fantasy land with the devil.
Luckily I’m fairly attractive, physically. since the stress of finding out about P’s I’ve lost all the weight I’d gained the last 10 years. But now everything hangs at a slightly different angle than it used to. LOL.
Skylar, 25 years is such a long time. You are probably not ready to date yet. I knew I was completely over the S when I stopped feeling mistrustful toward men and also no longer had the desire to talk about the S. I stopped comparing everyone to him. In fact, except for the purposes of this site, I no longer think about him. Of course, now I’m thinking about the unavailable 27 year old. 🙁
Your time will come. You are still attractive, and believe me, guys–even younger ones–don’t care about what angle it’s hanging. lol I think sexiness or mojo or whatever you want to call it is more of a state of mind. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it here before, but when I was in my 30’s I was a stripper for a very short time. I am not a raving beauty with a perfect figure and implants but I knew I was sexy. Aging has been really hard on me, but I seem to keep finding different things that make me feel sexy. For instance, you can be older and feel sexy because you are more confident in your style and knowing who you are. Does that make sense?
When I was younger, I only dated guys who were 10+ years older than me. I never really dated guys in their 20’s until I got older. Now that I am in my 40’s, guys my own age seem very old to me. It’s a very strange position to be in. I don’t think of myself as a cougar. I think of myself as someone in their 30’s. I look the part, only with maybe a few more wrinkles. I’m trying to see if maybe I can get interested in a guy for other reasons besides chemistry. But I want it all, you know?
Yeah Stargazer!!! Well, I’m slightly ahead of you in years. I’m not attracted to men my age, was out with my sister and her husband at a muscle car event and she said “look at all the men” and I said “They are all old”. Ha Ha!!
I am sorry you have been feeling sad… but good for you for having more dates lined up!!! Sounds like your horse is going to go from plodding to galloping!!!!
Oh, regarding your post about them lying in a gutter dying”
I answered a caller ID blocked phone number because I thought it was someone I had just talked to and she has a blocked number (this was Friday) and it was the Toxic One, after 4.5 months. So this guy is really dying (needs a liver transplant) he’s almost lying in a gutter (not working, living with family) had/has cancer (which I knew about all this before, happened in January) and he told me his mother died about a month ago! Jeez, what are the chances?
I can’t be around him, I am just thinking of my fantasy of him, ugh. Anyway, he said can I call you once in a while? Being the people pleaser I said sure (thinking he meant like… once every six months) then he tried to call twice on Sunday, I wouldn’t answer, he called Monday, I was shopping, said he’d call back some other time. I know he wants to ask for money, I can’t think of any other reason why he would be calling me at this point. I AM NOT GOING TO ANSWER THE PHONE IF I DON’T KNOW WHO IT IS!!!!
Why is my mind wandering to “maybe he needs a friend”, what bullshit. The way he treated me was not acceptable, and the way I accepted the behavior and the way I acted is not acceptable either. I know he’s not going to rescue me from my loneliness, he wasn’t there for me before and when he got sick it got worse. Do I have to be nice to him?… which does NOT include loaning money, so I guess when he finds out he can’t get any money out of me he won’t talk to me anyway. But do I even have to get to that point? I have compassion, but I hear my mother’s polite Miss Manner’s voice coming out of my mouth. Why do I feel like I have to talk to him just because he is sick? Am I still in LALA land? (SHORT history… 14 years with N, NC with him for over 1.5 years, this guy caught me when I was down and sad, I believed every crappy word, because I wanted so bad to believe!!!). I’m still blah. I never thought I’d hear from him again! He owes me so much money. WTF????
Just watched Whitney Houston’s interview on Oprah…she said things that sounded like she was right here on Love Fraud with us. She knows what we are talking about.. When I was at my lowest I was listening too her sing “why does it hurt so bad’ with the volume cranked up and the tears were flowing..she conquered her encounter with evil and came out shining – I hope she continues on her path – it is so wonderful to hear her sing “I didn’t know my Own Strength”
I really wanted to watch Whitney’s interview, I missed it, I’m peeved. Thanks for the info!