In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.
It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.
In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ”˜we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ”˜us’. All they can see is the ”˜target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.
When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself — believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”
Hah! Face it. He lied.
Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.
So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”
And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”
Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.
It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.
When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ”˜love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ”˜couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.
He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.
When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle — because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.
Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.
And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.
In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.
I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.
In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.
He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.
There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.
He is the lie and I am free.
He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.
Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.
In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.
Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.
And I’m worth a lot.
So are you.
I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!
So do you!
Wow, SC, what are the chances that I hit on all of your S’s sympathy cards? “The Toxic One”. lol
You know when people live trite, meaningless lives, their mental attitudes can create all kinds of sicknesses and illnesses. If the sociopath is lying in the gutter dying, he brought it on himself, if he’s even being truthful about it. If you continue to give in, you are enabling him–I’m not gonna sugarcoat that. You do NOT have to be nice to someone because they are sick or dying.
I actually turned my back on a neighbor who was dying of lung cancer. I tried to help her and spend time with her. But she was on chemo and smoking like a fish. I told her that as long as she smoked (I am allergic to it), I could not visit her because I would get sick. She continued to smoke. Eventually, she blew up her oxygen tank with a cigarette and got third degree burns on part of her body. She called to ask me to drive her to her burn appointments. It took everything I had in me (because I really cared for her), but I said NO. I am not an enabler. Eventually, she died, and I felt like I’d been a heartless bitch. But I think I would have felt worse if I’d enabled all her addictions. Other people’s illnesses are NOT your responsibility, SC. ESPECIALLY when they are sociopaths. Good lord, do we need to get Oxy’s skillet out here for you? lol
I know, that is so WEIRD! He had so much wrong with him – so fast that I did call the hospital once when he was having a procedure because I could hardly believe it, and he was there… the operator said “he’s having the procedure now, he hasn’t been assigned a room yet.”
I know now… his problems are not my problems. MY problems were certainly not HIS problems when we were seeing each other. Why am I so friggin nice? I need a slam upside the head from the skillet (a simple boink won’t do!)
Jeez, the woman blew up the oxygen tank? OMG! I have to follow your example, I have to be strong and not be an enabler, I am not going to be loaning anyone any money, but I really don’t want to talk to him either, it triggers too many feelings for me, I hope I’ve learned enough to just take care of myself. Thank you for the advice!!! I need it!
SC, It’s funny cause when your dealing with a S that done you bad and you can’t think of any way to get your money back or how to get them back for how they treated you. You know that in the end they are going to get theirs for doing you wrong and I’m sorry to say your S. is getting his back. God don’t like ugly and KARMA comes back around. My S told me that he don’t believe in Karma but I believe in my heart his day is gonna come you don’t treat others wrong you don’t destroy and use people and think it ok to turn your back.
I also wanted to comment on the fact of older woman younger man discussion. I’m 43 and no I’m not attacted to guys my own age but I’ve dated younger actually my S. is 38. I thought that me getting with him would be ok because he closer to my age. I thought he would be more stable and relationship ready at least that what he shown me early in the relationship. The only problem I have with dating guys in there 20’s and early 30’s is how relationship ready are they, will it be more physical then serious yeah I would kick-it with a younger guy but I’m only allow it to go so far because the physical is great but how many times can you get physical with out feelings attach. As I grow older Im just ready for the real thing I don’t wanna grow old alone, thats my biggest fear.
SC,
your ExP doesn’t want money or friendship, he wants part of your LIVER! I bet thats what he is going to ask for. A partial liver can save his life.
If I were you I would make a document saying that in the event of your death, YOU ARE NOT DONATING ANY ORGANS! give it to someone you trust and make sure that the Xp knows of this documents existance.
That is of course, if he is truly sick, but they use fake sickness all the time. Mine had every disease in the book but it was just a pity ploy. You need to double check everything. the “procedure” could have been a hangnail removal. Ask lots of people lots of questions.
If he truly is sick and incapacitated, I would visit him in the hospital and tell him that his Karma came back to get him and that the devil is waiting on the other side! Then I would explain to him that his personality disorder made him a cookie cutter edition and he is not unique in any way. Explain about how he is emotionally a two year old. Reveal it all and watch his face. Better yet, tell him you’d like to video tape your conversations so that in case he dies, you can always remember him…. blah blah blah. Set it up.
shabbychic,
You know that if you talk to him he will pull you back into the “game”.
Think of him AS a disease instead of him having the disease.
A recovering alcoholic can’t just go have one drink regardless of how many YEARS they have been sober. It will suck them back every time.
Think of yourself in that respect. You can’t go back just to just a few “phone” conversations..Because it will suck you right back in.
Does that make sense?
He has family let them DEAL with him. If he needs money that is HIS problem, not yours.
I love Whitney Houston. I always knew she would come through it OK. She has a great spirit in her.
I saw her doing the same things in her relationship with BB that I did in my own (drugs excluded). Playing down myself to make him look good.
I could relate to almost everything she was talking about.
However, the media still has a long way to go in understanding these types of abusive relationships. I saw an analysis last night on CNN Headline news where they dismissed her statement that Bobby was her “DRUG”.
For me, that was one of the most important statements that she made during the entire interview! People still don’t understand how you become addicted to the person, and how we are seduced into this type of addiction.
Whitney would have never been addicted to drugs if she would have never met Bobby Brown.
Yes, she is a big girl, and she made the decision to do drugs. But, Bobby was the catalyst that got her using. She wanted to “be with him”. We talk about it all the time on this site.
About how we did things, and tried to conform when we were involved with our disordered significant others that we would NEVER have done under normal circumstances.
Mine professed to being a “non-drinker” when I met him, and then his drinking progressed as the relationship progressed. But, I refused to go there with him.
I am also disappointed that the words personality disorder, narcissism, sociopath, bi-polar (I think Bobby actually admits to being Bi-polar) were never mentioned.
But, I believe it is still a step in a positive direction.
The fact that people are willing to come forward and discuss their toxic relationships is a good thing.
Hopefully, the discussion will begin to progress into what the root of the problem really is with some abusive individuals, and people will become educated, & feel more comfortable with the words sociopath, narcissist, borderline, etc.
**On a sidebar note, Kanye West is an idiot for wrecking Taylor Swift’s moment at the MTV awards.
And he’s a talented rapper. He does not need to do things like that. Tragic.**
Rosa,
I agree, and I think it was a powerful interview. However I think the words we are all waiting to hear NEED to be said outloud.
I really think that the general public don’t understand that S/P/N are not all in jail and incarcerated for murder. If the words never get out there the public will continue to not “get it”. The press use those words for the big time serial killers, and so that is the only thing the public understand..
And until that FACT (S/P/N) is understood, the public always just scratch their heads and say….WHY didn’t she leave. She has money/resources (unlike many other abused women) and so the question always is, why did she STAY.
Reporters even ask those questions of kids that are abducted and found many years later? Why didn’t they try to leave the abductor.
WELL DUH….If they are UNEDUCATED enough to ask younger kids this question that have been tormented and sexually molested by the perv….Then that just shows how uneducated even the press can be. And you would think that the press WOULD know judging by all the people they interview.
Personally, I DON’T think Oprah gets it. No offense to her personally, but I really DON’T think she get it. Do you?
Thank you all for the great advice, I thank God you are all here and can tell me the right thing to do. Most of my life experience has been just being nice to people, and being taken advantage of by men. I just wanted someone to love me… and luv716, don’t let”growing old alone” be a fear, that was my fear, and it caused me to accept behaviors that are unacceptable, and here I am alone, I could have spent that time searching for a decent man – if I had just kicked the assclowns to the curb, but I lived in fear, and that is a horrible way to live. I’m trying to change, and not answering Toxic One’s phone calls will be a changing experience for me.
witsend – I don’t think she get’s it, she thinks she does but she doesn’t. And sometimes I wish I didn’t get it…