A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
I think Love and Trust are two Seperate Cognitive states of mind!
It is my Opinion that Trust is what I have for God!
Love is what I have for Mankind!
It has been my experience that trusting people will always fail me! Does’nt matter who, my parents , my siblings , my best friends , esp.employers! The Cause: Everyone of us is going to see circumstances , events , reality , from our own self/point of view. And Judge our loyalty on how it benifts us personaly! Case in Point; My Psycopath exp. My Mother who is the closest person to me . Says Put the past behind you and move on! While this is what I must do ! Her timing and my timing are not the same! They , my Folks , have’nt a clue what it is like to DOUBT your own worth as a person , because or in part to having loved a person who’s intent was your destruction!
God has NEVER let me down! ever!
And it is because of this that I don’t fear men , the world , or anything!
You can take my Life! and you may think you have won!
You Can NOT take What does not belong to me! MY SOUL ! That Belongs to GOD!
LOVE JJ
There’s trust and then again there’s trust. Trust is earned over time.
My husband, my friends and most of the members of our family are trustworthy. There is one untrustworthy member of the family, and my husband has chosen NC. I support him in this.
In the workforce one runs into a few cluster Bs, and it’s necessary to cope. I’ve been a housewife for a while now, and picking my associates has been one of the perks. In recent years, my troubles have been confined to church. I’m church shopping for the first time in my life, looking for a congregation that isn’t entirely dominated by its cluster Bs. I want my children to grow up in a healthy church. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but we will not be participating in dysfuntional dramas every other week.
This weekend I visited a very nice church. We won’t be back. The church service was everything I hoped for, the location is convenient and the congregation is super friendly. SUPER FRIENDLY! In fact, I’d say that they are willing to violate their own boundaries and mine to make the point that they are super friendly. They hugged me, not just a few people, but a full dozen. Stiff, awkward, forced hugs. They gave me a mug and a stack of pamphlets intended to attract me to the church. Then there was the pastor. He spent significant time during the sermon telling the congregation about his own generous holiday giving plan. Was he a narcissist? Hard to say.
I felt nervous. Am I hyper-vigilant? You betcha. I’d be nervous no matter what. On the other hand, there were definite signs that I should be nervous. Those signs are present in many churches, but not all. That’s why I’m shopping around for a sane church for the first time in my life. For my entire life it has been my responsibility to “bloom where I’m planted.” This time I’m going to take it easy on myself by selecting a good location to put down roots.
Last weekend we visited a church where none of those signs were present. Sure, one member of the staff wore a permanent scowl, and at least one member of the congregation was painfully shy. Those things are just fine. There was no “love bombing”. Everyone seemed to be more or less playing themselves that morning, instead of a “loving church” drama production. The pastor’s sermon was not about himself. We’ll be going back next week to take a closer look. They have lots of youth programs, and my children were happy in Sunday school that day. They have several adult Sunday school classes. Chances are there will be one that will be safe for me. I’m not kidding myself, in a church of 200 there’s bound to be about 8 cluster Bs. As long as their agendas don’t predominate, the kids and I will be fine. It will take at least a year for us to risk joining them, but if the social climate isn’t toxic we will give it a whirl.
No, I’m not going to trust my new congregation with more than I should. If they can just behave themselves most Sundays, everything will be fine. In a few years I may even have built 2-3 good friendships. What more could anyone ask for? I’ll be thankful if that’s the outcome.
Elizabeth
What Denomination where you brought up in?
I have been an Episcapalian all my life! The last time I went to Church was out of respect for My Best Friend and His Family! He Left at 42.
I am going to do as you say Shop , I would say Interview! The Epicapal Church has Just Split Over the LGBT ( Lesbian,Gay ,Bisexual,Transgender) issue of Human Rights! There is no Shortage of churches , almost like 7-11s used to be on every corner! Now it’s CVS , Walgreens , Ekards. LOVE JJ
Methodist.
I’ll stay that way if I can. I think that Methodist churches relatively well prepared to manage their cluster Bs. Some newer denominations and nondenominational churches practically revel in dysfunctionalism. In general, old style liturgical churches are relatively drama resistant. I wouldn’t be to eager to leave the Episcopal Church. They’re a pretty sane bunch. Until you’ve heard grace spoken in tongues and seen people writhing around talking to demons, you just don’t know how wacky religion can get in the good ol’ U S of A.
There are checks and balances in well established denominations’ church governments that generally operate to thwart the worst excesses.
I was not sugesting I wanted to leave , infact I will check them out First .
Good plan. If you stay in the culture you grew up in, you’re more likely to agree about where the interpersonal boundaries are. It saves a bit of energy.
For instance: I could probably find a niche for myself in a organization full of stranger-huggers. I’ve done it before. Trouble is, it can be a bit awkward, and I run the risk of being labeled snobbish, standoffish or just plain mean. That or I live with the low level anxiety inherent in having strangers and distant acquaintances constantly intruding on my personal space. That’s considerable emotional labor, and to what end? What’s in it for me? As a military wife I’ve had to go along to get along with a new group of people every 2-3 years. Those days are past, and I don’t miss ’em.
If you don’t have to deal with these awkward issues, then don’t. That’s my take on it – for what it’s worth.
This is a good article and one which I think all of us need to take into our souls.
I just read some good articles on the net (thanks Blogger T) about false consensus bias and cognitive dissonance, and it is normal for us to think that others think like we do, but that is NOT necessarily the way it really is.
It is also natural and normal for us to be leery of others when we have been burned by “others”–again, a normal way to think. If a dog bites you, you may become afraid of ALL dogs, and so if a “person” (P) bites you since you can’t see who is a P and who is not, you may become distrusting of ALL people.
We CAN see the RED FLAGS though, just like we don’t need to be afraid of ALL dogs just because one bit us, we just need to learn to be cautious and watch for the RED FLAGS that a dog might be liable to bite, so we need to watch for the RED FLAGS of a P and then determine that s/he might bite and avoid them, like you would a dog that had the body language of one that was aggressive.
With large animals capable of hurting someone, such as the horses, mules and cattle (oxen) I have trained, I trust them to a certain extent depending on past behavior, but I NEVER trust them 100% because I know they are large animals capable of hurting or killing me, so I am cautious around them somewhat no matter how trustworthy they have been in the past, but I don’t FEAR them, I respect their capablilty for injury and act accordingly.
With people, just like with my animals, I CULL them at the first sign of untrustworthyness and aggression. For years I have culled out any animal on this farm which would act aggressively for no reason. I exempted a mother protecting her young, or one acting in total panic, but ANY animal that showed even the least bit of aggressiveness or meanness WENT to that great barn in the sky.
When I was boarding the horses left homeless by the tornado for a while earlier this year, one of the was totally aggressive and bit the breast of her owner and almost amputated that appendage. I would have immediately gone to the house, gotten a gun and shot that animal. No ifs ands or buts. She is dangerous, but her owner (even with my coaching) could not accept that her small children were endangered by this viscious animal and that she was endangered by the animal.
Animals have a “pecking order” of dominance just like humans do, and animals will dominate you if they are allowed to do so, whether it is your pet dog or a horse. An aggressiveness in a 5 pound dog can be “managed” but aggressiveness in a 1500 pound horse is another matter entirely. To me, and my way of thinking, I can manage the 5 pound aggressive dog without any major risk, but the 1500 pound horse or cow must be submissive to me. So around here we have what I jokingly call the “Bigger and meaner” rule.
If an animal is bigger AND meaner than I am, it goes. It can be bigger and not as mean, or smaller and meaner, but NEVER BOTH BIGGER AND MEANER. LOL
With people, even people I have known for some time, I am “culling” out those people from my environment who I am aware of that do things I think of as “mean”—that includes anything that is illegal or immoral that hurts other people to their benefit. A long time ago I culled out people who drink to excess or drug, anyone who drinks/drugs and drives, people who steal even on a minor level like taking things home from the office instead of buying them for themselves, and people who are in general just “unkind” to others, people who are overly critical of others, people who don’t exhibit compassion for others….and the list goes on.
Sometimes at work, or in life, you have to associate with these people, otherwise you’d have to go live on a desert island by yourself, but at the same time, you can pick the people with whom you are INTIMATE FRIENDS. I have a fairly large circle of people who I consider intimate friends, and trustworthy, but even with those people there are “levels” of intimacy and trust. Most of those people have also been friends “through thick and thin” and are “tried and trusted” through years and years of observation.
I agree with Elizabeth, dealing with awkward issues is generally not necessary if you “cull” out those people who are willing to walk on your boundaries or violate good morals.
I’m finding that I don’t even give guys a chance who are interested in me. I don’t even feel an ounce of interest. If they compliment me in any way (tell me I’m beautiful, etc.) I shut down now. I think my reactions are a little extreme. Most guys are at a loss when trying to get a woman’s attention. I used to always give them the benefit of the doubt. Now I don’t even give them the time of day. I’m guessing I won’t be dating for quite a while.
StarG: I know exactly how you feel. I’m still looking at folks now in the mindset of “what’s in it for you”! “What do you want?”.
It be nice is some guy just says “hey I want a date for Saturday night, that’s it” … or, “I have to show up at my bosses party as a couple … and I find you attractive, so will you go out with me to my bosses party … that’s it, we don’t have to see each other again … cause I’m a selfish jerk and I don’t have room in my life than anyone else but me”.
That would be refreshing.
Peace.
LOL Wini. Yes, if everyone just told the truth, we could all make informed choices. The selfish jerks would still get laid occasionally, because there are people out there who like that sort of thing. I am much more tempted to give a dollar to a street person who is holding up a sign that says “Why lie? Need money for beer.” At least it’s honest.