A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
Oh Matt, you have my deepest sympathy Your S seems to have his hooks so far into your life. Are you finding that you really can’t have ANY mutual friends with the S? It’s just too painful. It’s like getting hit with aftershocks of and earthquake over and over. My “friends” that he knows are only internet friends. They are not close friends by any means. And yet just the fact that he’s lying to them and charming them all makes me feel so frustrated and helpless. At least it’s easy to walk away from the internet. Cutting ties in your situation is probably much harder.
Mostly, I just feel imploded. I’m in so much pain, I can’t even sort my feelings out. It’s a combination of anger over betrayal, jealousy, and helplessness. Also grief over losing my internet community. All of it. The same people tend to hang out at all the sites, and they all know each other. His influence is everywhere.
SG – sounds like you are in so much pain. 🙁 I can empathize. Although my ex S didn’t invade my community I feel so incredibly violated by him, and feel like I lost so much. And I am FURIOUS and then I miss him terribly (WHAT??) and then I want revenge, then I want to weep, then I am incredibly jealous and hurt by his betrayals….and then I am just floored by it all. All of the strong feelings. Yours really did a number on you in 2.5 months, didn’t he? Sometimes I am just amazed that my ex S could do so much damage to my psyche in 9 months. I’ve never been hit like this.
God, Matt, is it possible to severe all common ties? It sounds just awful to me that he is emailing your brother. That feels like such a violation. I know I’m not in your shoes, but if I imagine my ex writing to one of my sisters, it makes me furious. I don’t want him to get one more thing from me – one more drop of energy from my life. They are such vampires…..trying to get something out of you through your brother…trying to wring one more drop of your blood through your brother. Thankfully my family is so repulsed by my ex S behaviors, and they feel violated themselves (they welcomed him with open arms), so he is 100% unwelcome. But mine still has his hooks in me. Sometimes I can feel them….but they are definitely weaker, and there are fewer. I hope you can shake his ugly hooks off you
And we are off to see the Wizard ! The Wonderfull Wizard of OZ! If I only had a Brain! LOVE JJ
Because, because , because , because , because, Because?
Stargazer and healing Heart:
Found your posts this AM. Thanks for the support.
Stargazer: After getting totally bent trying to anticipate the S’s next crazy move, I finally decided we can’t have any friends in common — at least not now. I have to find new playmates and a new playground. If the friends I made through the S want to pursue the friendships we developed, that’s their call. But, that is going to have to be way down the line. Right now I see I can’t put myself in the line of fire by giving him ammunition.
I’m also amazed that the S could do so much damage in 15 months — it took my parents many years to accomplish what they did. And even then, the sense of betrayal at what the S did is so much worse. I feel like he murdered me but my body still hasn’t hit the ground and keeps on going.
I’m relieved that he’s not part of my life, and yet I miss him. Totally twisted. If I let him back into my life, I may as well just give him power of attorney and let him clean me out.
Healing Heart, like you my family welcomed S with open arms and is now totally repulsed by what he did. When S contacted my brother, he is still so enraged over S’s stunt in Greece, stealing from our neighbor’s villa, that my brother said not only is S banned from our house, but if he has anything to say about it he’ll get the S banned from our complex, the island, and the country of Greece.
After spending the better part of the night wasting energy worrying about what S is up to, I started thinking about all the hateful things he did to me. Anger is a powerful disinfectant — it wiped out all the other emotions I was feeling about him. I realized that S may be having some momentary “fun” at my expense. But the amusement will fade very quickly when he realizes what I’ve got in store for him with the IRS. I guess that’s a case of taking my power back.
You’re doing a great job Matt!
I’m sorry about your friends. Yes, an S can destroy your social life. You’re a smart guy, and yet I bet you can’t build a projection over an individual and plant it in the minds of your entire circle of friends so seamlessly that the individual’s identity is lost. You’re smarter than your S, but he’s got crazy skills when it comes to seeding his dysfunctionalism in other people and getting them to do his dirty work.
I’ve always been somewhat analytical, but I owe my tendency to pick apart group dynamics to the Ps, Ns and Ss of my past. I’ll never be able to do what they do, or even devise an effective counter. All I can do is watch in wide eyed amazement.
Maybe your S has done you a favor. It’s possible he’s given you some people-watching insights that could be useful in the future.
Elizabeth Conley:
That is one of the things that drives me crazy. I have always managed to figure out a solution to my problems. But, I can’t figure out a damned thing to do to counter the S’s moves. Maybe, at least in my case, NC has to extend to a pretty wide net of people around the S.
Matt – its amazing, isn’t it, how much damage they can do it such a short period of time? I’ve been through some tough things in my life, and definitely had parents who won’t win any prizes for parenting, and qualify for some slots on Dr. Phil…..but this experience with the S mind screwed me, and heart screwed me, and just turned my psyche inside and out in a way I didn’t know was possible.
There were times that I felt utterly trashed by the experience. Times where I didn’t know if I would ever come back. I have never, even when quite depressed, been suicidal, but was for the first time after being apart from the S for a few months (with intermittent contact). The damage they do is spectacular.
But, as several people said – we are the lucky ones – we are out. My S’ ex wife has been in an in-and-out dance with him for 20 years. I had less than one year with him, and already 9 months of recovery, and it has been BRUTAL. But I’m on my way. We all are.
Healing Heart:
You’re right — we are the lucky ones. Two of his exes both put up with him for 8 years each.
I used to get angry at the most recent ex — he kept telling anybody who would listen that “I’m going to win S back.” I hope he does, although this is a case of be careful what you wish for. I now see that S was playing us against each other. I hope he does, although I think he’s too far gone and too caught up in cocaine himself to think clearly.
The other ex was the one who became the priest my ex sandbagged on the altar. When S started to take an inordinate interest in him, you can imagine the wonders that did for my self esteem.
Here’s my question. People on this site have spoken about contacting exes of their S. How do you go about this? Writing them a letter telling them of your experience? Warning them of your concerns?
I know some bloggers have said contacting other victimes of the S validated their experience. In my case I know exactly what the S did and what he is, so that’s not the case. Maybe I need to let sleeping dogs lie. But, any thoughts anyone has are welcome.
matt – I think every victim of a sociopath has to learn the hard way – like we are. I don’t want to talk to my X’s former victim’s. I think these people come into our live’s to teach us a lesson about ourselve’s. No Contact for me means no contact with anybody that know’s him. And these spaths are dangerous, this is why I just slowly let the experience fade and work on me. I believe in Karma what goes around comes around. We are fortunate that we were not married to them or did not have children with them. Spath’s are very vindictive and vengeful – hopefully my x has forgotten about me. I never want to see him again or know anything about him. Silence is golden.