A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
hens
HealingHeart – You are much stronger than you realize. You are fighting for your life and you are winning. At some point you will realize the lesson here….
Iwonder
HH:
I had to turn off my text messaging. I have verizon wireless and it was .10 a text. My phone bill was outrageous the first few months. I just turned it back on last month.
hens
Matt – If his current victim seek’s me out for answer’s – I would talk to him and that would give me some validation but I am not going to go knocking on any door’s giving advice or warning anyone.
Matt
Henry:
Thanks. You’re right. I just need to let go and work on me. At the end of the day I don’t think anything will be gained by swapping “old war stories” with the other victims.
And thank God I didn’t go to California and marry S — I suspect S would have killed me for my money (or what I have left courtesy of the “aggressive loss funds” I invested in).
hens
I remember a few month’s before his final exit – I woke up one nite like at 3 am and he was not in bed – he was in the computer room – and I remember saying to myself ( well maybe he will meet somebody and leave ) he did….Ho HO HO merry xmas and thank god and greyhound he is gone….
Healing Heart
I thought, too, about contacting exes. I couldn’t find the last name of his most recent ex girlfriend (long term gf, like me) and didn’t want to contact his ex-wife. They were still involved (this woman KEEPS going back to him despite the fact he has cheated and abandoned her time and time again), and I didn’t know what the hell she would tell me, and if it would be helpful. It was clear she is a sick puppy (had different children with different psychopaths – she is an S junkie). At this point I just want to be away – I had enough first hand experience with his evil ways that I don’t need any more validation. I could have used it when I was still with him, however. During that period of “could he possibly be cheating on me….” and “is he abusive or am I crazy…” a second opinion would have helped me get out faster. Now, I think it would only give me more information to feel traumatized about. I know the guy is a loser and a monster.
Iwonder: I am going to have to turn off my texting. he won’t go away – and he texted me today saying he was looking to buy a place close to my neighborhood. I don’t think he has the money, and certainly doesn’t have the credit rating to do so….but the thought of it freaks me out, and I’d rather not hear from him AT ALL. It’s a hook – even though I am not responding, his reaching out is a hook. And you can’t block texts! He was so rejecting of me when he was with me, and now he keeps trying to get to me. It’s making him crazy that I’m not his possession any longer.
Healing Heart
Henry – mine would get online looking for his new conquests while I was in bed, too. God, that hurt. Though now I’m grateful – so grateful he had new targets, new women to focus his evil energies on. I feel bad for them – hopefully they will survive. I feel some bitter pleasures at the thought of the OW (plural, women) being saddled with him now – but I suppose that’s not a very spiritually sound thing to do and doesn’t help me.
hens
HH _ No Contact – it is essential for recovery. One reason I have no desire to connect with him is I know he would lie and tell me how perfect his life is with out me and how happy he is. And who know’s maybe he is happy now – and I don’t need to know that, truth or lie. I see no benifit in speaking too him – either way it would hurt. What would happen if I told him what I thought? He would laugh and say that I am crazy – and when he stand’s in front of me I am. There is no closure with them – all we can do is fill that big empty hole in our life with new life – no closure – time and living a good life is our only salvation. I know there are some people who can not change cell number’s or phone number’s because of business etc. Too me changing number’s is a no brainer – just my opinion…
Stargazer
Henry,
You hit the nail on the head. There is no closure with them. And isn’t that why we are all here? Trying to find closure on a problem that has no answers. All paths of trying to find answers lead to dead ends. I think eventually, having genuine connections with other people will wean us off the addiction we had to the S’s in our lives. But the catch 22 is that once you’ve been burned that badly, it’s hard to trust enough to form those genuine connections.
I have no idea what my S would say to me if I ever saw him again. But whatever it is, it would be a lie. He may pretend to still love me. He may pretend to hate me. I actually believe he is indifferent to me and only is irritated inasmuch as I am preventing him from defrauding the army. Other than that, I doubt I even exist to him.
hens
after the detachment is physically complete with a spath there is the nagging abyss of was that all for nothing? It’s a terrible loss and there is no where to go with that loss. It’s static. It doesn’t evolve into lost love. It just remains as a loss. Grieving a s/p/n is a burden, it’s a hole in one’s life.