A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
I can’t wait to get to the indifference stage too. All this anger and hurt sucks. I just want it to be over. I wonder at what point you have to deliberately try to “thought block” around the experience – you know, NOT let yourself think about it, and every time you do, block the thoughts. I know its important to process the experience, and grieve, but at what point does it become obsessive compulsive to be thinking about the S, and what happened so much.
Calling Verizon to turn off my text messaging. Unfortunately changing my number isn’t so simple…my mobile is what I’ve been using for my private practice line for the past 6 years. All patients past and present, as well as colleagues and all mh contacts, have this number. I can, and will, change it – but it will take a lot of inconvenience – which pisses me off. I hate losing anything else because of him.
I was at the indifference stage for several months. Then my imagination got the best of me with something I observed, and the pain all came back again. I, too, wonder if it ever ends?
I had someone else tell me today that I was only hurting myself by holding onto negative feelings. Great. Thank you for that information. I guess I’ll just “drop” all these bad feelings on a whim and get on with my life………thanks so much for the helpful tip, lady.
I’m talking about someone out there in the non-LF world. Someone who doesn’t understand…not one of you great folks
healing Heart:
I agree with your statement that you could have used validation from your S’s ex just to make sure you weren’t going crazy. That’s exactly what I realized, before I got to the next step which was “if you have to ask that question, you’re not crazy, but you’re well on your way and better get out.”
Since S has gone, I find more and more memories coming back of hateful things he did — they fill up the void in me very well. I’m adopted that old saying “living well is the best revenge” as my motto at the moment. The S saw me out on the town on 2 different nights with a guy my brother fixed me up with — he’s gorgeous — former Ford Model and telenovella actor. And he’s a genuinely kind man.
When the S, who has become as fat as a can of Crisco saw us together, he nearly choked. Satisfying? You bet your ass it was — and it helped to replace that void full of bad memories with some nice new memories.
Today I pulled out my American Express statements for the past year. When I saw how much I shelled out on the avaricious piece of sewage otherwise known as S I had a whole truckload of closure dumped on me. Dollars and cents are easy to quantify, not emotions. When I looked at the damage I mourned all that good money I threw after bad. and all I kept getting was diminishing returns from the S.
At the moment, anger at S keeps me focused and I do what I have to do to deal with him. But once the collection letters are sent and I put things in the works with the IRS, then I plan to move onto indifference.
Someone once said that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference. I agree. To hate or love requires strong emotions. By indifference I can consign the S to the netherworld.
When the sociopaths really realize there’s “no there there” when it comes to us, they move on looking for fresh buzz or fresh supply. Just like the zombies in “The Night Of The Living Dead”.
StarGazer – Sweetie – you and I also have issue’s other than our encounter with a sociopath. I think I have always had lot’s of Drama in my life. But at this point I am not sure if I am the cause, or was I conditioned by my inviroment. Narcisist mother – incest victim – sexual abuse – mental abuse – forced religon – guilt – being gay is not easy – or am I even gay or just totaly fucked up? Star I think we analyze everything to death. I spend way too much time on the internet and I get nothing but rejection or I attract user’s. I think internet dating or chatting in a forum other than one like this is a waste of time. I have tried the dot coms – meat racks – fetish sites – hobby interest etc etc. In the 10 years I have had a computer I have never met anyone worth seeing a second time. I think we must have eye to eye contact – you can feel the vibe’s a person is giving you or not, in real life. On the internet we have no real way of connecting. I have chatted with guy’s for week’s and I get this feeling something mite just happen with this one, but then the phone call and he sounds like PeeWee Herman – or I agree to meet for a drink and wish I hadnt’. The internet is another way of filling our fantasys. I don’t like trying to sell myself to the masses with the perfect profile etc. In real life what you see is what you get and if you don’t like it keep on walking. You can not experience chemistry, sexual or intelectual on the internet. I know I am rambling here – but this experience has forced me to take a long hard look at myself. Nobody can fix me, other than myself, and I am working hard on it. I had lot’s of issues before my X turned me upside down – it literally about killed me – but maybe God put me in his path to teach me something – I think so. I can not blame my X for my problem’s – maybe I should thank him for making me see the truth – I have to change me – I have alot of people counting on me to get better. To sum it up – I have to get it right next time – and I don’t need to rescue someone to feel loved or needed.
HENRY—-TOWANDA!!!!! WAY TO GO, BRO!!!! All these months I have been waiting to hear you say these things! That is what this healing process is all about!
Sure, you start to heal from THEM, but you realize there was something about YOU that made you allow all this BS…and you know, I know now that the worst part of it all was inside ME. Or I never would have allowed all this crap. EVER.
I have been so afraid all my life I think of making someone else unhappy, or not making them “happy” when there is NO WAY ANYONE CAN MAKE YOU UNHAPPY UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM TO. By the same token, no one else can make you “happy” either—it is one of those things you have to do for YOURSELF!
I used to tell my diabetic patients when I worked in the rural medical clinics, “I am your coach. I cannot be a diabetic, and I cannot control your diabetes, I can only coach you how to do it. It is a DO IT YOUR SELF TREATMENT PROGRAM” It is the same with healing your own problems and with being happy or not.
Someone else can “coach” us (a therapist or a friend or a book) but WE ARE THE ONES that must manage our “disability” and I think there is some disability in us (at least at the time we get hooked in) maybe more in some people (me) than others, but the point is that there is some CHINK IN OUR ARMOR that they put a spear through and pierce us to the heart.
It is up to us to see where we are vulnerable and stop up that “hole” that leaves us open to being preyed on.
I think part of mine was the way I was raised, the “should’s
and should-nots that were drummed into my head as “truth” when they were not “truth” at all but OPINION of someone who was dominant over me. I was programmed to be submissive within the family.
I could have changed this sooner, and should have, but it wasn’t the right time for me to be able to SEE clearly, I was in the FOG. I may be 62 now, but dog-gone it, I am going to live the rest of my life, one day or 50 yars, whatever it is, in peace and joy. I am going to enjoy my life. I’m not going to worrry about “companionship” or feel needy about it. I am WHOLE and I intend to continue to grow and learn. To increase my enjoyment of life. Keep toxic people out of my life. I don’t need it.
My “circle of friends” is smaller but it is a good circle of people who love me, and my sons.
Internet “dating” I think is pretty dangerous. I know there must be some “nice” people out there, but you know what, I think it is like putting your hand in a big barrel of snakes and picking out one and HOPING IT ISN’T A RATTLE SNAKE. By the time you figure out you have picked up a poison snake, you are bitten. WHY TAKE THE CHANCE?
One of the things I learnd a long time ago out here in the country is not to put your hand under something where you can’t see where you are putting it. I don’t know how many times I have turned over a rockk or soething else to find a copper head or a water moccosin under it. If I had stuck my hand under there I would have been bitten.
My opinion is that the “internet dating” thing is just as much a crap shoot as turning over rocks out here is—and you are just as likely to be bitten, and belive me (and I think you all know too) that being “bitten” by a psychopath is at least as painful an experience as being bitten by a rattle snake.
I’m not “terrified” of snakes by any means, but I do respect their ability to hurt me, and I don’t take any chances with the poison ones. That and the fact that my son met his lovely “X-wife” that tried to kill him on the internet, another friend met a con woman from Texas and actually married her (lasted 3 days) but when she went back to Texas, she opened dozens of credit card accounts in his name and SS#—and I could go on, but you get the idea.
People will earn my trust in the future. Just like if I was around a hhorse that I didn’t know well, I am not going to poke it in the butt or give it an opportunity to kick me or bite. After a time with an animal I begin to trust it more, but until I know what it is going to do in MANY DIFFERENT SITUATIONS I won’t give it my complete trust, which means to keep out of strikiing range.
Plus, like Matt said about his “4-ations” if someone has a markedly “screwed up life” I don’t need them in mine.
I think YOU’VE got it!:)~
And If you don’t get it , that’s fine too! It may take a life time to get It!
It’s not the destination , but the Journey! LOVE JJ
HENRY:
Your awesome !!! I totally understand what you mean about not being sure whether you are gay or straight etc. My brother and one of my daughters are like that …It’s just that you love someone for who they are and sometimes it’s a male or sometimes it ‘s a female…Not at all in a sleazy Brittany Spears/Madonna attention seeking way… It’s just you fall in love with a person, not a gender. Hope that makes sense…
God Bless…
OXY,
Love your post about internet dating and the snakes…Right on!!!
Along with the “4-ations”, I’ve developed a rule regarding on-line dating — we exchange 2 or 3 emails, and then there must be a phone call, followed by meeting for coffee. I’ve adopted this rule because too many people “present well” in their on-line profiles and are dazzling while they type away on-line(polite way of saying they lie).
Time is a precious commodity. If the person you are on-line with is unwilling to meet for coffee for a face-to-face — GONE.
I never cease to be amazed at those guys in on-line profiles who said they lived in my city and it turned out they didn’t. Putting aside the geographical factor — let’s be honest, if they’re not within a reasonable distance, but cross-country — they’re basically looking at you as either a (a) hotel when they visit or (b) a crash pad to relocate until they can move onto bigger and better things.
Or how about the photos? Then you meet them and the photo is (a) 20 years out of date; (b) they are now 200 pounds overweight; or (c) they turn out to be psyciatric candidates. I don’t want to sound like I base it all on looks. But when they show up and have so blatantly misrepresented themselves, all I could think is “And now you’re going to do what? Dazzle me with your winning personality?”
Unless you get the face-to-face meeting right up front, you have no way of even getting a remote handle on what they’re telling you is true. Someone on this site once said “don’t waste major time on minor people.” I think that’s what it all boils down to.