A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
…if only the one(s) who duped us all was only one person. I still find it hard to believe that so many evil beings can exist. Mine was born in WA, moved to MI, & was working in my home state. From all the posts about locations, they’re just every where!
I definitely feel ALOT better since starting to write here, & empty the poison out of my heart & soul. I, too have learned quite a few coping tips & healing advice here. You are all a great bunch of people.
I am in the process of reading “Without Conscience”. Very scary info about the spaths in there, but very good to know, also.
All of you have a peaceful evening, & stay warm if you live in the northern part of the country.
these sociopath should live in their own “world with the rest o them that refuse to take meds and live in a normal society and just leave us normal residents hard working people alone….but then who would their prey be????? anyone know the answer to this question???? let me no
brenda1213: Good question. We have been trying to figure out that answer for a while now. Oh, they would prey on each other, that’s a definite … but, you’d probably see them very sweaty, very nervous and jumpy all the time (because they are real cowards you know) … the stakes are high at the extreme level … they’d all have the adrenaline flying sky high … cause they all have the killer instincts and their radars would be going crazy at all times. WARNING, WARNING, WARNING … RED FLASH, RED FLASH, RED FLASH!
That’s why they like to play with all of us. We are not a threat, we are easy pickings … the ones that don’t have the predator instincts, we aren’t sharks searching for blood … we’re the BAMBIS of the world. The Peacemakers.
Henry,
I’m thinking about what you said about the internet. It really does suck away so much of my life. The reptile site has been such a big part of my life, and look what it has gotten me in the relationship arena. That’s where I met the S and all of his backstabbing cronies. On the other hand, I read that 1 out of 8 couples meet on the internet. So there must be some redeeming value. The real problem is not the S and all his backstabbing friends, but the fact that it has all become such a big part of my life. I am really experiencing so much emptiness and a huge void in my life. My jobs do not really make me happy, and I’m not really sure what my goals in life are. I tend to get a lot of emotions building up all the time with no way to release them and no one to talk to about it. I just feel like a mess. My life has always been so much about healing. But when my own healing process gets stuck, my life just stagnates. I cannot help others. I lose my sense of purpose. It’s not the S’s fault I go through this. I read that people with Venus in Scorpio tend to have this intense build up of emotions all the time. It really sucks when I don’t know how to deal with it.
And I think it was OXY who was talking about sticking your hand in a barrel of snakes……….let me just say that I would LOVE to have a barrel of snakes to stick my hand in. That would be heaven for me! Don’t you agree, Indi? (fellow snake lover).
My ex is 40 years old. Seems like they get better at their game with age.
I know Whats what when it comes to Snakes as far as the P/S/N s go , I have to use what I have gained here to try to detect them and not let my eyes decieve me again!
I recently asked a friend who was the first to say to me way before I got involved with the P. He had told me beware something is just not right about this guy! I asked him how or what gave him the insight. He said just talking to him he could tell. That was not insightfull but then he said to me , That I was blinded by lust! I don’t like to admit it but he was right and I thanked him for his attempt to help me BUTT of course I did’nt listen ! LOVE JJ
Star – I am not pointing a finger at you. I am just as guilty as anyone when it come to internet addiction. But I remember life before internet. I think it is great in ways but other than LF – it has taken so much of my life. I had it turned off for about a month after the X was gone. I went through withdrawl – if I went to someone’s home that had internet I had to get on and see what the peeps at LF were talkin about. If something bad happens and we lose internet we lose our friends here. Then I would get off my butt, get outside and dig in the dirt or go camping or spend time talkin to real people face to face. Internet has it’s up’s and downs – personally I think TV and internet have made the world to small. And as far as dating? well in the gay scene if you are over 29 you are a troll
I like it here under my Bridge
we all Float down here ! :)~
StarG: Have you read Tolle’s book yet “A New Earth”? If not, please do so. I think learning how to go into the “now” would work wonders with you. He deducts all the basics down into this one book. Go onto Oprah.com put Tolle’s name into the search engine on her site … he’s got 10 hours worth of discussing all 10 of his chapters. Oprah is keeping them on line for people to listen to … and they are FREE. The book costs less that $15.00 and I’m sure the waiting lines at the library are down to nothing now … so you can check the book out for free there.
Peace.
LOL Henry, it’s okay to point all your fingers at me. I am a big internet addict. I don’t watch TV so there is that much more time for my addiction. I have vowed to leave the reptile site. I only posted once tonight and logged out. Pretty soon (this is predictable), all my reptile forum friends will be messaging me telling me how much they miss me and how boring the site is without me. That is the point where I usually get sucked back in. But I have to be NC with them, too, because they share other forums with the S and are acquaintances, if not friends, by proxy. I guess it took something this drastic to get me off the internet!