A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
star: you’re right. one time my ex was leaning on the mantle staring at himself in the mirror — HE WAS ALWAYS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR … (i wonder why?) anyway, i said something like, ‘are you so empty inside that you have to obsess about your appearance?” he replied (in a serious voice) “i’m COMPLETELY empty inside.” i was shocked.
hmmm…maybe he did speak truth once or twice in his 40 years.
stormee: i’m kind of obsessing lately about how happy he probably is. new, hot, young girlfriend. new apartment to live in. new sexual partner. new money to pilfer. new baby on the way.
AND, he still has his wife (as far as i know), his beautiful kids, his house, his career, his friends, his family. and i’m all alone.
it really bothers me that i get dumped after years and years of commitment to him, and i don’t even get a ‘thank you’ or an apology for all the shit he put me through.
and he moves on his merry way, not a care in the world.
there is no justice, is there.
LIG, you keep getting stuck on thinking he is “happy”. I think a skillet is in order here. BOINK!!!! He may act all happy and confident, but it is just the mask. Don’t let the mask fool you. You should pity his poor baby and the new woman he’s cheating on his wife with. He will destroy their lives just like he tried to destroyed yours. I say “tried” because you WILL get over this. You just need to see him for what he is. Only humans feel happiness.
star: thanks for the whack in the head. oxdrover will probably be comin’ around to second that!
i do get stuck there, don’t i?! and i HATE the thought that he’s happy. after four months of NC, i’m more curious than ever if he actually left his wife. i can’t imagine he can have a baby with a new female and his wife not know about it, right?! geesh.
but they’re young and beautiful women and i was with him for 20+ years. why would he leave them. he hasn’t left his wife and he’s been with her for 16 years. if he was making her miserable, what’s she still doing sticking around?
eh, i’ll never understand this. just have to maintain NC. i think i’m doing pretty damn good for only four months spath-free!
TOWANDA!!!
LIG, you seem to be doing awesome. You just keep getting stuck in these little thought bubbles that make you feel bad, and also they’re not accurate. You have got to find some way to rewire those thought patterns in your brain. OMG, when I start to notice how much younger and beautiful all the girls are in Denver, I can get pretty depressed. What good does it do to focus on that? So why focus on your ex and what kind of fun he’s having? Who cares? He is doomed to fail, no matter what. This is not even something you have to make happen. He will do it all by himself. The laws of karma are a given and you can trust in them. So you are free to focus on yourself. Even if your self-esteem is low sometimes, at least it is your issue to focus on. You are doing great, LIG. Believe in yourself, and believe in the laws of karma. (((hugs)))
star: yea, karma. he’s been leaving a trail of destruction behind him since i met him. i just never thought he’d do it to me. karma has never caught up to him once in all these years. he’s still as carefree as he was when he was 15.
but i have to believe in some sort of justice, and in the laws of the universe unfolding in perfect order.
i’ll go meditate on that before i sleep ….
thanks.
He will get his, LIG. Sometimes it take years. I am truly sorry for all the pain he has caused you. No one deserves this.
Lostingrief:
“But they’re young and beautiful women and i was with him for 20+ years. why would he leave them. he hasn’t left his wife and he’s been with her for 16 years. if he was making her miserable, what’s she still doing sticking around?”
Whoa! Grab the reins, girl. Time for a little perspective. We’re here on Lovefraud BECAUSE WE FINALLY GOT IT!!! We couldn’t stand the abuse and the cheating and walking on eggshells and on and on and on because we finally realized if we didn’t get out we would die.
Every marriage or relationship has tradeoffs, and she’s no doubt made her deal with the devil. She is staying in this marriage for the money or the status or whatever her reasons. Her tradeoff? She has probably shut down emotionally. Or worse. That was something we couldn’t do, thank God.
We all have a chance to heal and move forward onto real, fulfilling relationships. She will never have that option as long as she stays married to the sociopath.
I used to wonder if my ex S loved and treated his ex-wife better than he loved and treated me because she stayed around – and kept taking him back. It turns out he treats her a helluva lot worse than he treated me. He abuses her terribly verbally and emotionally, cheated on her constantly, abandoned her when she had baby twin newborns…was just a monster. But she keeps taking him back. She will dump any guy she’s with the second the S wants to come back (and its always when she hooks up with a new guy). At times I had such ill will toward her when she was sleeping with my ex when he was living with me – and I was jealous. But the fact is, I’m the survivor, I got OUT. Although my self esteem isn’t fabulous, it’s good enough that I got out. And she’s stuck – and what a miserable life it is. She definitely made some deal with the devil. And any deal made with the devil is a raw deal. The devil doesn’t make fair deals. The devil ONLY rapes.
LG – his “beautiful” wife has an unimaginably horrible life. There’s no question, there’s no good life with an S. You are so much better off, your life is so much better than hers.
We are lucky. And from what I have seen (at least with my ex) we are in the minority. Most people seem to stay in the dance for a very long time, most people seem to lose their life to the dance.
Healing Heart:
Isn’t that the hell of it? My ex would express concern for his most recent ex — mediating fights between the ex and his newest boyfriend. When he saw two exes ago who had become a priest, he was all concerned that the guy needed new clothes and he should send him some (they hadn’t spoken in 8 years).
The last time we spoke I told him point blank that I thought he was still in love with his ex (not that they’re capable of loving anybody, but he clearly held onto him). I now look at how I listened to this crap and I get furious at myself for not getting rid of him.
My self-esteem was obviously nonexistent at that time. But man am I grateful my self-esteem kicked in and I kicked him out. Instead of staying n the dance, I now have a new dance card. No sociopaths need apply.