A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
I like that! NEW dance card! With no slots for sociopaths!
I think that S never really leave any relationship. Because we are their possessions, they never want to give us up. I think my S actually idealized his ex-wife when he wasn’t with her, but then devalued and discarded her everytime she took him back. And although he seemed to be repulsed by me in the end of our relationship(that was so painful), now he seems to be idealizing me again (we’ve been broken up for 9 months, I’ve been NC [on my side] for 3.5). I bet his current girlfriend(s) is tormented by thoughts of me – that he loved me more, treated me better because now he is devaluing her and discarding her – and now he’s back to thinking that I’m his soulmate.
It’s interesting that LG talked about her ex being with someone young and beautiful. I am younger and better looking than his ex-wife and his last gf and his next gf, yet I still feel sometimes, that they are all somehow better than me, more desirable in some way…..but it doesn’t matter. It has nothing to do with us, how young we are, how goodlooking, how smart. They will do what they do – which is idealize, exploit, discard, and then attempt to re-engage so they can exploit some more. It has nothing, whatosever, to do with us.
I’m so glad you got out. i’m so glad I got out…..and that I have you all to help me stay out. THANK YOU
Healing Heart:
One of my friends has a wife who is borderline. He says that she “garages” a couple of her exs — when she has a falling out with him or somebody else, she pulls one of the garaged exs out for awhile. And these men are all willing to go along with his (still dancing the dance).
My colleague I had dinner with tonight made an intersting observation. He said the next time S is arrested, any odds I want to make, he’ll cover, that S will call me for bail money. And the seeking out, sucking dry and shoving us away, contnues.
Remember, there is really no substance to a sociopath. When I was with my S, he always took my side and defended me when one of our reptile friends mistreated me. He would swear that he “had my back” and would not ever talk with or blog with that person. I think he believed what he was saying at the time. The very next day, I would see him talking with the very people he said he would never talk to. When confronted, he always had some sort of excuse or pretended he didn’t know it was the same person. His excuses seemed so believable. It’s as though he really believed his own lies.
matt:
why, though, do you think he mediated fights and wanted to buy him clothes? if they don’t love, then what is their reason for defending anyone? why would they talk about how much they ‘love’ their exs or their kids or their co-workers … people they basically torture … or not?
i thought it might be that they think of anyone they have had anything to do with as their possessions.
interested to hear your take.
star:
yea, i heard for years how my ex ‘had my back.’ geesh. he used those exact words, too. what they must have meant is that they would do ANYTHING behind our back!
Lostingrief:
I think 2 things are at work with them.
First, they do view us as possessions. I think my S’s reason for trying to get enmeshed in the lives of his exes was: (1) control and (2) that his own internal life was so empty and he had so few friends that anybody who would give him access he’d take the opening and run with it. Of course, give him an opening, and he’d be back to his old tricks in no time at all. Bottom line, there’s no love from him, just viewing people as supply.
Second, when they reconnect with an ex, they feel that the past they had with this person has been obliterated and they can go back to getting what they want from the victim. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day. Unfortunately, the sociopath always reverts true to form and the victim always wakes up again to what is going on. And the devalue and discard takes place again, and so it goes.
Healing Heart: You are so right about the wife. She’s living in hell so you can’t be jealous of her. Remember I wrote about how I contacted my ex’s x-wife? She confirmed her life with the S was a living hell of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Same crap.
LIG: I remember your ex spit in your face like mine did to me. Guess what? He spit in the face of his ex-wife too. She told me so. Therefore, the other women are getting spit on. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not let that happen to me again. I certainly do not miss it.
This current victim my ex is with is a little younger than me but not as attractive. But looks, brains, personality, age have nothing to do with choosing a new victim. Their targets are those whose hearts are beautiful, loving and giving. It’s like taking candy from a baby. Their “I love you” means “I own you.” “I am entitled to everything you own.” I feel so sorry for the current victim. She is giving everything and yet getting nothing back but empty promises.
You are fun, intelligent, good-hearted, and pretty so stop beating yourself up comparing yourself to the other victims. They are being duped. You gave everything you had out of the kindness of your heart. You finally had enough kicked him to the curb. You are the winner. Think of what you can do with all the extra money you were spending on the jerk. You can buy yourself new clothes, get manicures, pedicures, go on a trip, whatever your heart desires to nourish your soul. Hell, my ex was costing me $800 – $1000 a month extra in living expenses. Now that he’s gone, I can afford the gym and the new wardrobe from losing the weight from the gym. I am spending the extra money on sprucing up my condo with a new paint job.
Iwonder: Don’t forget the anti-social personalities in society hide behind getting “normal” people to do the same destructive behavior … young teenage boys being patted on the back for sewing their wild oats … young teenage girls thinking it’s normal to have many boyfriends. Through the years, normal society thinks anti-social antics are a right of passage and that the teenagers or children will just grow out of it in time.
Where is the school system setting these children right? Where are the clergy? The employers? The whole system has let every anti-social personality slip through the cracks. There has to be a checking system from early childhood on … to report, report, report! Don’t let me get started how college is the worst violators …and encouraged anti-social personalities … cheat on your EXAMs or sleep with your professors to get that 4.0 average. Lie, cheat, steal ideas to get ahead. Write your papers the way we want to see them and you’ll get an A (just stroke the Narcissistic professor) don’t get anything for original ideas. What a cookie cutter shame the college system is!
Peace, I’m doing my breathing now.
God, I am so grateful for this blog. The last 24 hours has been challenging for me, and this has been a tremendous outlet and source of support.
A couple of you said that your ex S used the statement “got your back.” Mine did too! Those exact words – which I remember thinking was a bit weird (immature, and outdated expression) in that he was 42 years old. And SO not true. He didn’t have ANYBODY’S back but his own. After I threw him out, he said he “would take a bullet for me.” Again, just weird. He would lie, cheat, abuse…but would take a bullet? I remember saying “that’s totally meaningless” and he looked surprised and hurt, like he thought the had just said something profound and couldn’t believe I didn’t swoon.
I wish all of his ex’s, and “garaged” ex’s, in particular, would stand up to him. Maybe he’d learn and would stop hurting so many people. He doesn’t pay too much for what he does. And he’s this goodlooking and charismatic guy that always attracts women. He’s usually juggling. In spite of being attractive, he tends to seek out women without a lot of prospects who would be dependent on him. Women with multiple of children, women without careers, women without a lot of choices. I think one of the reasons I CAN leave him is that I do have a lot more freedom, opportunity, and choices than most of his targets. And enough self-esteem….and enough resilience and determination for survival that I would find a supportive community (You awesome people) who would hold my hand and help me through.
HH, in retrospect, I think when my ex said he “got my back” he meant he drew a little X where the knife was to go. But it’s funny how he tried so hard to convince me that he “wasn’t like other guys”, how he “didn’t play the games they play” etc., etc. He got that right. After the break up I easily forgave the other guys who had hurt me because compared to him, they were like angels. He really did come off like a mature, laid back, and nurturing man. Most amazing likeness of a human I’ve ever seen.