A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
I know, SG! My ex came across, at first, as the nicest, most thoughtful, guy! He really come across as compassionate. Which is remarkable, because he totally lacks compassion. HAS NONE, and admitted it at one point after our break up. But he came across as truly compassionate!! I thought he was actually MORE compassionate than other people. But, that mask slipped as soon as it was really tested.
You said something in a past blog about having an eerie feeling that your Ex S didn’t exist if you weren’t in the room. I totally had that same feeling at times. My Ex is so empty that he HAS to be with someone else in order for there to be the presence of soul and self in the room. I think that’s why he almost manic about making sure he is always with a woman. He is so empty that he doesn’t exist alone. They are such emotional vampires – feeding off other people.
Stargazer and Healing Heart:
Yeah, my S also got my back — with the big old knife he stabbed me with right after he got done ripping my heart out.
HA! That must be what they meant by having our backs – for stabbing…. They DID have our backs…in fact, they did a lot of things behind our backs and then did a lot of stabbing of our backs. They were all about our backs….
Matt:
I can relate to the garage theory. My ex is good at that. He actually told me he would work on himself and come back. He also left things in my garage for 5 months. This was his way of having an excuse to re-connect. But i took the stuff up to his GF’s house and put it on the lawn. So I can’t be “garaged” anymore….literally.
And the funny thing is all the while he was stabbing me in the back, it never once occurred to him that I would turn him in to the army and foil his fraud. So confident was he that he had me wrapped around his finger and that what he did to me was no big deal. I just want to give you an example of the craziness. On July 4, he told me his divorce would be final in a few days (which was a lie). We were intimate that night. He professed his undying love and made a date to bring his little girl up to see me the next day. Instead, I saw him posting on the reptile site. No call. No show. Blew me off when I confronted him. Said he had no excuse. I received the following email 2 days later, leading to final series of emails below:
S: Sherri, I’m sorry. I have no excuse. You deserve better. I’ll always love you though.
Me: What a mean and cowardly way to break up with someone!
S: I’m not breaking up with you. I just figured you’d never want to see me again.
Me: Can you just tell me why?
S: I don’t know. I wanted to [come over]. I just didn’t.
Me: There are many things I could say to you. But I suspect karma in your case will be a real bitch.
S: I hope we can work this out. (!!!!! Side note. He wants to “work it out” but didn’t even tell me why he stood me up!)
Me: [no response]
S: [2 days later] So does this mean you never want to talk to me again?
Me: No only that, but if I ever hear from you or see you posting on RTB (reptile site) again, I will contact your platoon sargeant and wife and turn you in for adultery. I have saved all your emails and voice mails in case you don’t believe me. You are a horrible and deceitful person who doesn’t take responsiblity for his actions and their effect on others. Go play your games elsewhere.
*********************************************
That was our last communication. He continued to post on the reptile site as if nothing was wrong. A month later I turned him in. That’s when his army sargeant told me they suspected he was faking a medical condition and called me as a key witness.
So the S shot himself in the foot. Do you see how crazy the communication is? Anybody else have crazy conversation stories to share? Where you’re left scratching your head and wondering, “What the hell was that?”
Oh god yes!!! Tons of them! Like the time he planned a vacation with me for three months, we started out, I gave him an early birthday present that cost $500 to add to a collection he has. He went to breakfast while I finished dressing, and he came back and told me to go home! And I said “What?! If I had gone to breakfast everything would be fine???” and he simply said “Maybe.”
I told that story to my therapist and she said “You do realize that isn’t normal behavior don’t you?” And I said “Maybe.”
I was still in the fog…..
PS Stargazer….I got almost the exact same words…the I’m sorry, you deserve better, love ya!
YUCKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And good for you! My last message was a threatening email also, to go to the authorities also if he ever dares even show his face, email, phone, write….any of that. And I pointed out that two girlfriends have copies of the evidence!
Stargazer:
That pompous, pedantic prick I was involved with was a veritable font of crazy conversations.
For example, one day S proclaimed self-righteously “I have no baggage.” I said “You don’t get to adulthood without acquiring some baggage. My only concern is whether it’s organized in the baggage compartment.” He proceeded to browbeat me saying “I left all my baggage on the platform when I was sent to prison.” I’m pretty sure there’s an oxymoron in that last statement.
Or the moment when I swore that I was having an auditory and a visula hallucination when he told me “I love dogs.” and proceeded to shove a sock over the head of a friend’s Yorkie and thought it was funny.
Maybe we need a section on this site called “He said WHAT?”
Wow, I swear these S’s all went to the same school. They must have had to write on the board 1000 times: “Sorry, you deserve better. I’ll always love you though.” Before I even knew what an S was, long before I found this site, I knew he had discarded me and refused to take responsibility for for the discard. It was the craziest thing I’d ever seen. I knew there was just no way I could take him back after that, even though he wanted to “work it out”. What is there to work out? His pathological lying? Thank God I realized this and got out before I got smeared and devalued.
Matt, I laughed so hard when I read your post. ha ha ha ha ha. Mentioning he had no baggage in the same sentence as him going to prison…..ROFLMAO!!!!!!! How could you keep from laughing? It’s good that amidst all the devastation they leave in their wake we can laugh as some of the totally ridiculous things they say and do.
Here is another good laugh for you. I’m sure most people here have already heard this story. I did run into my ex 3 weeks after the discard. My friend and I saw him at a reptile expo. He did not say one word to me, but followed me around and stood beside me at every vendor’s booth. It was very creepy. At one place we stopped, he came up behind me so close my friend thought he was trying to smell my hair. (I did not know he was there at the time). So my friend, who happened to be carrying my newly-purchased snake hook jabbed him in the crotch with the hook. When it didn’t work, he jabbed him harder and almost caught his zipper. LOLOLOL The S then backed off with his hands up in the air and quietly exited the show for the day. When my friend told me what happened, I laughed so hard I almost choked on my lunch. If they weren’t so tragic, S’s could be very entertaining! I really had to restrain myself from starting a blog on the reptile site called “Player gets hooked”. I really had a special moment to myself thinking how the last time I saw the S, he was getting jabbed in the crotch with a snake hook.