A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
Well, while I believe there are other expressions of spirituality besides Christianity, I do agree with you about the erosion of marriages and families due to lack of spirituality in people’s lives. And being an ex-stripper, I can attest the the numbers of so-called happily married men trying to cheat on their wives. I say “trying” because until I met my P recently, I never slept with a married man. They only tried with me.
I NEVER CRY!
I remember my Sociopath telling me that he wore many different hats! These evil people know exactly what they are doing. Even though it has been 2 months since I told him to go after he threw a rage, he has phoned a friend of mine who happened to be sitting with me at the time, full of anger and saying how he wants me to suffer and making threats, he has also been phoning the police regularly about me saying that I’m ringing and texting him constantly and that I am compulsive obsessive! I phoned the police and put them straight!
Because we are not medically qualified to speak of personality disorders, we have to tread a fine line, it is very frustrating to say the least!
Henry,
I like what you wrote:
“Well it is the old me that got shit on all the time. I am working on the new me – learning from my mistakes – changing pattern’s – defining boundaries”.Let’s not look for the old us – we were to comfortable and vulnerable back then.”
You’re dead right. We can bounce back and be happier and healthier. We gave too much, we trusted too quickly, and we accepted to much belittling, negating treatment and outright abuse. We can do better in the future.
Ox Drover,
The Green Mile always does me in.
Mostly I stick to comedies and action adventure stories, ’cause “Girls just wanna have fun”.
Perhaps trust is overrated.. One of those “virtues” that the P/S/N/s can smell like a shark smells blood in the water. Is it really necessary to “trust completely”?
Modern marriage and co-habitation laws bring the whole thing down to a business contract, coldly splitting whatever regardless of who did what to whom. No fault.
If as and when I begin a new relationship I plan to enjoy, but not trust. I think an iron clad pre-nup or co-habitation contract is a good idea. It replaces trust in terms of financial matters and allows the parties to demonstrate their sincereity with no ulterior or second agenda in the works.
“If you really loved me you would trust me” has left a lot of shattered victims in its wake. When it comes to matters of fidelity, of course there is no piece of paper that can protect a person from abuse on that end. But as for all the rest I say why go there? Be independant financially, legally, on paper.
I would have scoffed at this many years ago, but had I had that advice perhaps not be as vulnerable, actually up the creek withut a paddle as I am now. My lawyer says I could write the book on why not to trust your husband when it comes to signing documents. Tempting time waster. The working title could be “Marriage for Dummies”.
oh Lord….TRUST… It has been seven months now since the S-meltdown, the horrible devalue/discard nightmare. Trust was the first thing I lost, in amounts immeasurable. Seven months later, is it back? I don’t know exactly. But instead of trust I have been operating on faith. Not a faith in others or of myself but of a higher power. Faith that I am healing, faith that I have learned a new set of values and that these will help me.
We go through these stages I think… trust may have been the first thing robbed of us, it may take the longest to restore. But the idea of faith intervening, of allowing a force greater than ourselves to help direct us seems to me to be the way out of the mental turmoil.
So each day, I do what I can to live in a more humble state, grateful for the small things I have. I lost my S “dream lover” seven months ago. I lost my “dream job” two weeks ago. Do I still feel victimized? Less and less actually. I have been shaken to my core and in this process I have discovered my inner strengths, my creativity, my ability to endure and grow.
My values are changing, my faith is deepening and is and remains my foundation. I have begun to date again. A short while ago, I met a man close to my age, (in person this time, not “on line”) who is kind, compassionate, caring, loving. There is no inflated ego at work here, neither of us are trying to prove anything. It isn’t all about escape and sex. No “pity ploys”, no manipulating, no impulsive “gifts”, no idolizing, instead it feels like peace between two individuals, both of whom perhaps have been tempered somewhat by life but who are both willing to share and give.
Having had so much taken from me, I was, in effect, liberated. I am free now. I was able to allow myself to feel free from trying to love a sociopath, and, just recently, free from working for a sociopath! Free to enjoy my new understanding of my past blindness and how this new knowledge will only serve to help me become happier.
I am feeling this happiness at times, (if not overwhelming happiness, it is at least a change from despair and the long period of grief!) despite all that was taken from me this year. I have a new person in my life who shares love with me. It is simple in this respect. I am able to experience his kindness in faith, not with any great measure of trust at the moment, but with simple, unassuming faith.
Perhaps in time, trust will find its place. For now, instead of carrying so much hurt, I feel God is close by and extending His love for me, a pathway He has set in front of me that I may choose to follow, in faith. Faith has very little time for feeling hurt anymore.
PressEject
Trust GOD love mankind!
I think Yall Got it! :)~ LOVE JJ
Dear Elizabeth Conley – Thank’s – I think it is important that we learn from this, that we look back on our lives and see what it is that made us accept such bad behavior from other. i n my case my Narcississt mother is the root of my conditioning to live my life to please other’s regardless of how they abused me. It was the relationship with my X that brought me down and made me realize I had to change and treat myself better, no longer will I be a doormat for anyone. You mention Cluster B in some of your post. After months of reading talking to therapist – physciatrist – I have diagnosed my X BF as a cluster B. He is a sociopath for sure but the Cluster B is so pityful and so very evil and they have no idea what they are.
Well Henry,
I’m kinda in the same boat, only I can’t blame my parents. They’re good people, and super nice. They tend to get trampled too. My sister is the same way. I think sometimes it’s just a culture clash. Y’know those two cartoon chipmunks, Chip and Dale? Each always deferring to the other was part of the comedy routine. When people pleasers mix with people users, it’s no longer funny. Personally, I’m trying to stay decent but not be a total doormat any more.