A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me, I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through emails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
Wiser
wow!
I’m still Curious ? No nothing? No explanation? No reason?
There has to be something! Or did you Know in your being that it was all a Play?
Cat & Mouse ! Remember the cat does’nt always win! LOVE JJ
Ya…only explanation is basically that he’s ‘sick’. “I’ve snapped…I’m in a dark hole”.
He’s half heartedly admitted to possibly having Dissociative Identity Disorder. Which would be the ONLY thing I could maybe accept.
But now that I see his Facebook page that he has just reactivated after all this drama….he has deliberately taken off that he is in a relationship and put down ‘interested in women’.
His only identity that he is disassociated from is the clown.
If he really thinks he’s not a big joke at this point I may just send him some big rubber balls for his nose for xmas at this point. I mean really…he KNOWS I’m going to see this and notice this…how sick is that? Now starting to beleive perhaps he’s not so sick afterall. Or obviously wants to inflict pain.
Whatever…I’m just DONE DONE DONE with wondering.
Ok Thanks! Wise
You Do know ? that it is not You Right? LOVE JJ
Wiser
My Psyco has a profile on a website too! 🙂 I can read the lies from the very start! He likes to boost of his Boxing and mixed martial Arts! Ha ! He is a wana be street thug! I once watched as he was Having his -ss beat by a guy twice his size and weight! He would get up from being beat down and ask for more! The big guy finaly left because there was no purpose in beating him down more! I would love to read your clowns profile after what youve said! LOVE JJ
Dear Wiser,
THE BIG RED FLAG that you failed to notice was the INTENSITY of the relationship and the “2 weeks 24/7” part of it. They RUSH you. It takes TIME (in days and weeks and months) to establish a trusting relationship that is at least a good risk.
Anyone can “fake it” for 2 weeks, or 2 months, or sometimes longer, but being around someone in many different circumstances and being able to observe them under “every day” conditions, not on a vacation or a trip is REASONABLE CAUTION.
What they “get” out of it is a “conquest” and once they have it, it is over. Some of them are like that, they love the big build up and the “hunt and kill” part of it, then once they have you in the “bag” (or sack) they move on to new conquests.
This can also be a learning experience for you, too, and at least you didn’t waste several years with him. I am sure that doens’t make the hurt much less, but at least you saved the “time” ((((Hugs))))
Dear Wiser,
I whole-heartedly agree with everything OxDrover just wrote. Reading your post, my jaw began to drop midway through. I’m so terribly sorry girl – you’ve been duped. I actually think this sort of guy – the kind that’s after “a “conquest” and once they have it, it is over” – is one of the milder forms of predator.
I dated a guy like this for several months and I fell head-over-heels for him. He was like a drug. Our chemistry was incindiary, just being in his presence made me crazy. We finished each others sentences. The “him” he showed me seemed genuine. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t.
He left very abruptly too. I was in shock and agony for years (crazy, huh? after only being with him less than a year?).
They get their conquest then move on, but they don’t seem to want to destroy you. When I’ve run into this guy, he’s genuinely happy to see me and hoping for the best for me. He explained that he knew he wasn’t right for me. I don’t think he had the courage to live up to all that promise.
Wiser, I hope that is what happened with your guy. I think this “type” wants to be all the things they claim to be but when it comes right down to it, they know they aren’t capable of being what they pretend to be. They are somewhat spineless, so they just disappear instead of doing the adult thing.
In my experience, this is a far cry from the S/N/P that targets you for your loving (sucker, to them) qualities, then systematically exploits you till there’s nothing left. Enjoying your degredation all the way.
You’ll get through this one, and eventually remember it for being wonderful while it lasted.
Wiser,
So sorry to hear you were hurt by another Lovefraud agent. That can’t be good at all after recovering from your ex psycho. And I think the statements made by Oxy and Stillsorting are wise, comforting and encouraging.
Doll, please don’t beat yourself up for falling in love again with someone who, quite frankly, did not deserve a wonderful woman like you. Yes, your heart is huge and generous but you need to take precautions in protecting that beautiful heart and your own mental/physical/spiritual welfare.
I truly know how difficult it is to put the brakes on an intensely emotional and physical involvement with a man. But you call the shots. A man who truly wishes to be with you, who respects you, will agree to slowing the relationship down so you’re able to analyze, discern if what’s going on is beneficial and safe for you to continue.
Spending oodles of time alone, without his smothering attentions, will allow you to comtemplate his behavior, actions, words to see if they are sincere. You might possibly compare and contrast them to your past relationships with men, in the negative and positive.
I’ve learned to not toss out my logic, my reasoning, my common sense skills while conversing with interested suitors. I also am the bestest of friends with my beloved intuition. She protects me like the most vigilant body guard and I am indebted to the Creator for supplying us with this most trusted advisor and protector.
Please don’t lose all that self trust, self love, self respect you so dearly earned after the pain and suffering the ex inflicted upon you. Have faith in yourself as a kick a**, fantastic woman because you are so damn important, so damn valuable and we all (LF peeps) will support, comfort and love you just the way you are.
Peace, Love and Joy….
stillsorting:
i had to laugh when i read your post: “… they don’t seem to want to destroy you. When I’ve run into this guy, he’s genuinely happy to see me and hoping for the best for me. He explained that he knew he wasn’t right for me.”
more excuses, and this isn’t ANY different from the s/n/p … it’s part and parcel of their manipulations. my ex used to say the EXACT same thing to me. after four months NC, he called and left a message about how he hopes, ”life is treating me well and i hope your new boyfriend is, too.” puh-leeze. he was just calling to see if he could ‘get me’ again. i don’t have a boyfriend. at the time, one of my LF friends reminded me that he doesn’t know if i have a boyfriend or not, he just wants to bait me.
yes, they DO want to destroy you. and he’s not ‘genuinely happy’ to see you. it’s just that he’s in public and has to maintain his IMAGE (all FAKE) by being the good guy. what a crock. it’s so easy to see through it when you’re on the outside looking in, not so much when it’s a subjective call.
the ‘incendiary chemistry,’ finishing each other’s sentences, the intensity of him … FAKE, FAKE, FAKE. they’re masters of getting what they want by shape-shifting into ANYTHING at ANY moment. and this, for me, is the freak-out. what they do, what they are capable of, is so insanely unbelievable. it still just boggles my mind to know what he was up to all those years. you can knock me over with a feather, still.
stillsorting, what you describe is the s/p being ‘nice.’ it’s still fake, it still sucks, it’s disgusting and creepy. but it’s certainly perceived as ‘nice’ by most people. they are sooooo good at what they do. FAKE, FAKE and FAKE. the ‘nice’ one probably just didn’t think the target had enough to hand over to make it worth his time. NEXT!
peace
Dear Wiser,
It sounds like at least this guy was honest with you about his feelings. I think it’s easier to deal with a let down when there is no deception. Love never comes with guarantees. I’m glad you have not closed your heart to trusting. However, this instant intensity can be a set up for a let down. I don’t believe those intense feelings you get right away with someone are real love, but a combination of lust and fantasy. It takes time to really love someone IMO. Sounds like it is not in your nature to put the brakes on when you start to have that special feeling for someone. It’s not natural for me too. But maybe it’s better to take things very slowly and let the friendship develop.
It just amazes me that a “human being” can be so profoundly capable of lying so effortlessly. I just can’t get my mind around that concept. They truly are so fake. How do you keep your own lies so straight in your own head? Other than the court hearings I’ve attended, I’ve been NC for 23 months. Even my dumba– lawyer believes his crap. I’m supposed to be getting a cash settlement from the ex s. He came to all the court hearings saying he was indigent, & only had food stamps for an income. I called my lawyer, & told him to get the warrant out for the s.’s arrest, & lawyer tells me the s. left a message at the law office, about some bullcrap story about unemployment extensions. O.K., now I know I never went to law school, but isn’t the term PURGERY coming to mind here mr. smarta– attorney?–the same attorney who said he couldn’t believe I had gotten mixed up with such a creep?! OMG, hello- makes you want to go into the scarecrow song-“……if I only had a brain, da,da,da,da,da,da…”