Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
TheSisterhood, in the first few months after my marriage ended, I learned about “shame-core” and how this pre-programmed system of beliefs shaped me into the Perfect Victim for all predators – spaths, and otherwise.
My shame-core was directly associated with being programmed to believe that I was somehow responsible for the well-being, happiness, anger, and other issues of other people. My “self” was removed from the equation and “they” replaced me – if that makes any sense, I’ll be thrilled.
The example that I remember from my childhood was when my father got home from work, found my mother passed-out drunk, and me filthy and hungry. As is very typical for non-alcoholics, he directly questioned me as to how I could have “let her” get like that, again. Well, to an 8-year-old child, this simple (and, normal) reaction to someone who isn’t in an emotionally healthy space, either, is part of producing a shame-core.
Even though I’ve learned about this and been able to apply it to my life’s experiences, I still struggle with this erroneous set of beliefs. All of the healthy “Selfisms” have been absent throughout my entire life, and I am still vulnerable to guilt, shame, and the rest of that baggage. I have to really work on these issues, almost every minute.
This is how I managed to find myself in my current situation – allowing a cow of a woman to run over me because I felt “guilty” for the deeds of the exspath.
Crazy stuff, but it’s recognized by the psychological community to be an example of “brainwashing by proxy,” so to speak.
Brightest blessings to you
Spoon and Truthspeaks….
thank you for reponse and suggestions. I did put my daughter in therapy a few times but when she started exposing the truth about the monster, he found out and removed her immediately (state law states both parents must agree).
It has been 11 years and I am still struggling in court. Unless I get a court order for therapy my child will go on living this nightmare with me. The older she gets the worse it is getting. I agree that I need therapy to help me get through this. Because he has tons of money, the courts and all other legal professionals are paid to be on his side. Money makes a huge difference in the legal system. I got beat up and bullied in court today. The current parenting coordinator took the monster’s side as she bullied me and suggested more time for him even after all the evidence of abuse was very clear.
I will keep on trucking to save my daughter from this monster. I am hoping one day someone will be the angel we need.
I do 100% understand that the monster will never love my daughter or anyone for that matter, I just wish she didn’t have to be in the middle of his game he is playing with me. I am tired and just need some answers.
Mommadebba, I don’t know what State you reside in, but if you are the primary custodial parent, you “should” have the option of entering your daughter into therapy even without the spath’s consent. You’be been going through this through 11 years????? Have you had legal representation by an attorney?
Now, I’m just going to throw this out there and it is not my intention to upset you, in any way. I’ll get to the method behind the madness. I get the gist that the father is abusive, but is he suspected of sexual abuse? Here is something to ponder using the pragmatic part of your mind: that he take primary custody of your daughter and you will take her on weekends and holidays.
Before reacting to this notion, I’m going to explain why this may be an option. The spath doesn’t want the daughter any more than he wants a good case of syphilis. The only reason that this war has been going on longer than the war in Middle East is because he wants to cause you inconvenience, emotional distress, “payback,” and to continue controlling the situation. He has no intention of actually taking custody of her because, if he does, he will no longer have any method of harming you emotionally, physically, or financially.
Since he has the money, he can pay for all of her daily needs. Of course, you’ll be “required” to pay some sort of support, but it would probably be nominal unless you have a position that rakes in a similar salary to his.
It’s not “giving up” on your daughter OR the righteous fight to protect her in considering this. Please, note that caps are for emphasis, only, and not meant to be interpreted as online shouting. What this strategy does is to back him into a corner. He would have to agree to whatever rulings the Courts made, and violations of those orders would result in him having to appear for “show cause” motions, etc. Very inconvenient, regardless of how much money he has. Additionally, he would quickly tire of having to see to your daughter’s needs. Not just the expenses, but everything else.
I know that this sounds like the most horrible idea imaginable, Mommadebba, I know it does. But, unless you have an incompetent attorney or you don’t have any representation, at all, 11 years is a long, long, long time to spend in courtrooms without some sort of resolution. Now, this is not to say that the resolutions should be perfect – I have heard of about 3 out of hundreds of custody cases that were justly ruled and the same goes for divorce actions. But, to not have even an uncomfortable arrangement at this late date is beyond terrible. And, it’s also taking a toll on your daughter, which you already know. It’s not “giving up,” but a possible strategy.
I made this very difficult and painful choice with my sons, and it backfired on their father with my eldest son because he couldn’t be managed by simply setting him in front of a TV screen or video game. I eventually got custody of him after just about 9 months, and it was agonizing for me, but it worked.
I don’t know….perhaps, other readers can offer some other suggestions that may not be so painful to you.
My most sincere brightest blessings to you
one/joy_step_at_a_time
I do hope it helps. Any questions on this just ask.
MOMMADEBBA
Yeah money and the courts can sometimes be a big hump to get over. All I can say here is document, document and document. Along with record, record and record. And my heart goes out to you. I to hate the child in the middle.
May or may not help. Don’t know what state your in.
http://ssw.unc.edu/files/web/pdf/ThiemannAdvisoryJune09.pdf
Truthspeak does give a unique solution. Using the spaths tendencies against it’s self. Another one is emancipation. Which will nullify the court order if the child is old enough. But it is a tough call to make.
Miracles can happen and do all the time.
hens
Your welcome.
Are We Our Feelings And Our Thoughts
Stop a thought do you cease to exist?
If the feeling goes away do you disappear?
Silly questions?
We say to ourselves I’m sad, I’m angry or any of the I’m “XXX” emotion. We are claiming that we are this feeling. Sometimes it can seem, especially with negative emotions to encompass are whole being. Like we can literally bleed this emotion if cut. Even when it hurts or we dislike this emotion it can be hard to or we can refuse to, let go of it. Letting go of it feels like letting go of ourselves. As in doing so we would be losing part of our very being.
Think about your anger at the spath. Doesn’t it feel right to be angry at the spath. If someone was to say,”Hey, no big deal. Just get over it and move on.” Most would at least want to go ballistic on this person. Why? The emotion completes our experience. We identify with the emotion. Another way to say it, the emotion validates the meaning of our experience. And when we try to let go of it ..it seems sooo wrong. Why? It would invalidate who we are…..the feeling. And as someone said to me. It would be like they are getting off scott free. So we hold on to the emotion to validate the meaning of the experience. The spath still does what a spath does. And we’re stuck with all these emotions. If we let go of them. It feels like it cheapens who we are. And what does it feel like the person that said,”Hey, no big deal….” did by saying that? He question the validity of who we are and our experience.
Are we the emotion? Or are we putting the cart before the horse?
“If the feeling goes away do you disappear?” If you do disappear. I know a guy in Vegas.. well any way play it right and there are some major bucks in it. We are not our emotions because logic would dictate that if we are “X” and “X” disappears then we would — go poof!!!!
This goes for our thoughts too, we are not our thoughts. For we can change what we think. But it is also true that what we think effects us. Even on the physical level. As does the feelings we choose. Simply put thoughts and feelings are not us but they do create effect. The effect starts within us and spills out into the world.
Our thoughts create are feelings, are beliefs, are actions. And we create our thoughts.
How does this work with the spath if we let go of the anger? Does it change the meaning of the experience? Yes! Does it mean that once the anger is gone the spath can continue on and it’s OK? NO! It was evil, wrong and all those other words. It will change the effects the experience has on you…. and…..how it colors your view of yourself and the world around you.
I’m “XXX” emotion is a limiting belief. By claiming it. It locks one into whatever emotion we have chosen to be.
When you’re feeling stressed it will feel like the stress is you. When you’re feeling angry, it will feel like the anger is you. When you’re feeling anxious, it will feel like the anxiety is you. But it’s not. It’s just a feeling that you’re experiencing. [Which you chose.] The real you is behind the feeling and behind the energy that the feeling feeds off of. You are neither that feeling nor that energy. You are something greater and wiser beyond all that, sitting back, waiting, watching, and hoping that you will remember in the moment to reconnect with your true self and to let those feelings go. Author Unknown
My 2 Cents
Spoon
Spoon, I love the way you think. You echo a lot of the sentiments of Eckhart Tolle. He talks a lot about how the things we identify with become who we think we are – our ego. This can be the meaning we attach to an experience or our reasons for wanting to hold onto emotions. It’s all part of it. When I was in my quietest places of meditation, observing thoughts, feelings, and judgments come and go, what I realized is that on the level of reality – in the here and now – *I* don’t really even exist. There is no I. There is just this flow of experience. Who is the person experiencing these things? Who is observing these thoughts and perceptions? When you try to pin that person down, the identity disappears into the flow of experiences. This is one of the noble truths of Buddhism.
There is a saying, however, in Buddhism that says, “You have to have the scroll before you can throw it away.” I interpret that to mean that you have to really fully feel your anger and know you are angry before you can let go of it. If you are repressing it, you cannot really truly let go of it. I think depending on where someone is in their healing process, it may be more appropriate to have anger triggered and to really feel it deeply. In my experience, I’ve gone through a lot of anger. Once I feel it, and I’m aware of it, I often feel stuck in it. The stuckness becomes helplessness, and the helplessness turns to despair. It was very freeing to learn through my meditation practice how easy it is (and how desirable) to breathe and just let it go. Let go of the position that kept me angry. Let go of my righteousness about it. Etc. It was like a little trick I learned. Once I realized I could do it and how happy I felt, I started doing it more and more. I forgave people I thought I’d never be able to forgive and started seeing their bad behaviors as coming from their own pain and limitations and not as a personal attack against me. Learning to take responsibility for my own anger, my own pain, and my own reactions to others freed me in a way I never believed would be possible.
Spoon, very insightful post….many good questions, and a lot of interesting and deep insight. It’s something that would be good for me to print out and keep handy.
Brightest blessings
Stargazer
Hi,
Thanks…….
I’ve never heard of Eckhart Tolle at least not that I remember. Might of read him without knowing. But I’ll check him out. And yeah we’re not our ego either. When we get down to the core what I’ve found is “I am.”
“You have to have the scroll before you can throw it away.” I see this a little different in the context. We just have to admit that “it” exists. That we are the one’s holding on to it. “It” is in us. I’m hurt, I’m angry. That my belief of “X” lead me down this road. For the spath that I bought into his/her crap because It wanted to or need to believe. Repressing it means we deny it’s existence.
I’ve learned that I really didn’t have to feel the pain or the hurt to let it go. No need to re-read the scroll again. As you say that when we fully feel it again we can become stuck within the emotion. Because each time we relive it we burn the path a little deeper. Not saying what your doing isn’t working and not right. Just don’t see the need to feel it again. But I am glad that you are able to get this crap out of you.
“Learning to take responsibility for my own anger, my own pain, and my own reactions to others freed me in a way I never believed would be possible.” This is a beautiful statement. This is what I call “owning ourselves.” It’s the only way out of this stuff. We have to own everything we do, think, feel, beliefs, actions — reactions. Who we choose to be around. Who gets into our inner circle. What path we take. And when we screw up – I did that.
On the other hand we are not responsible for how others feel, think, their action, their beliefs etc. We are responsible for how we choose to respond to them. Or in some cases not to respond–just walk away.
Agendas – Can be another problem area when we are interacting with others. Trying to get things from others that can only come from ourselves.
“I forgave people I thought I’d never be able to forgive and started seeing their bad behaviors as coming from their own pain and limitations and not as a personal attack against me.” Love this one too.
“Let go of my righteousness about it. Etc.” 🙂
We are not broken. Even in PTSD we are not broken. This is how we are designed to respond to things, beyond our capacity to deal with the situation. It is a protection thing. Like a surge protector. There is also a way to reset it.
Everything we do we do very well. Those that believe they need to find Prince Charming or Cinderella will seek him/her out with no problem. Even though they don’t exist. They will create the illusion of them. See they found him/her. Everything worked just like it is suppose to. The belief created the need and then gave the solution. The belief doesn’t know that it is a lie. And it doesn’t know it’s true. It just is. A person who believes they are “unlovable” will never find love. Even if a person will standby them and show them nothing but unconditional love for the rest of their life. The belief will cause them to reject any love. Why? Because the belief says “I’m unlovable.” And anything that says otherwise is a lie. They will seek out love in the world because they knew it before the belief was created that they are unlovable. They will turn to sex, maybe drugs and anything else that happens to show promise. But they won’t find it in the world. Why? The problem is the belief that is in them. A limiting belief will create a limiting situation. A growth belief will create a growth situation. Beliefs are neither good or bad. Beliefs will do what they are designed to do.
This is why these two verses are so important Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. And Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.
Truthspeak
Hi,
🙂
A new way of seeing does take a little time to get our heads around it. Me I use the pole method. You know something to beat my head against to drive it in.
Everybody Enjoy the Weekend
Spoon
Spoon,
Shakespeare, “To thine own self be true”
🙂