Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Night Dupester…..sleep tight.
goodnite Kim – lol
I see there was a party after I left. 🙂
Stargazer
First would like to say that I have and I’m enjoying this exchange with you. Thanks
The Four Agreements are a good read. Simple and clean. 🙂
And no after looking over the two books from Eckhart Tolle haven’t ever read anything by him. Am looking forward to it. Thanks again.
“It takes energy to hold it inside.” Very true. It takes vast amounts of energy. Like trying to hold together a bunch of lies. It will suck you dry. Takes less energy to deal with then to maintain.
“imagined pain” is a loop that stops one from dealing with the real issue. The loop plays every time one gets close to the issue. Works similar to a PTSD. Can’t say that it is PTSD though. Issue comes up. The loop is triggered. And a flash fear blocks one from addressing the issue at hand. And like a PTSD there is a Guilt issue in it. And in some a Shame issue as well. That is – What it says about me. These are core issues that control how we deal with things. Here are some of the core issues that can be creating the Guilt/shame loop: Perfection, not good enough, unworthy, unlovable, I should be, feel unsupported. [Guilt is about what we did or didn’t do(should of). Shame is about what we believe someone else thinks about what we did or didn’t do.(should of)]
So what this all says is that sometimes we have to deal with a core issue before we can tackle the issue that we are repressing.
“I think this might be the process Spoon is referring to.” Might be I’ve posted the one I used all the time. What it does is it disassociates the memory and strips the emotional hooked on it turning it into an event with little or no meaning to the person. If you know the event that is causing the problem one can go right to it without having to re-feel or re-live it and clean it up. It’s also good for a core issue that is getting in the way of a repressed issue. You anchor the flash fear and follow it back to the source and run the technique. Also there will be a sentence or a phrase as part of the belief and it needs to be run through the technique too. Now the repressed issue will start bubbling up. Or it can be forced into the open. In some cases when one has run the technique on a memory it will open up other issues you where not aware of you had. And like you said when it’s gone…it’s gone.
kim frederick, Yes, repressed feelings need to be dealt with. They do effect us even when we refuse to admit they exist and even the one’s that we don’t know exist are effecting us. Feelings are part of our makeup, of who and what we are. We can not function without them. And a toxic emotional wound [EW] is just like a physical wound that has become infected. It will effect everything about us. If it is in us – it is part of us. But only as long as we allow it to be in us – Is it a part of us.
“hell with xbf” as long as the emotional memory [EM] is in you it will effect you. EM is something that we created and hooked to an event(s). And how we use Emotions comes from our childhood. Formed mostly by the time we are 6 years old. They are neither right or wrong – bad or good – truth or lie. They just are. Anger, guilt, shame, happy, sad, and all the other emotions are part of who we are. We all have them. It is how we use them that is important. It has to do with “context.” Just like logic. There is intellectual logic and there is emotional logic [EL]. Both are very important. If we use an Emotion in the wrong context it will cause more of a problem then being intellectually wrong.
Now the other part is emotions, as someone on this blog rightly says “are not facts.” So just because we feel “X” about this event does not mean that our feelings are correct and appropriate for the event. But because we tend to see “I feel” therefore “I am.” We can have a hard time seeing past the “Feelings.”
The “xbf” a spath in context is “It’s all a lie.” And when our your feelings are not matching up with the context. It can cause many problems. Part of it is we identify the emotions as us. Second is that the way the spath works is similar and in some cases the same as how the “seduction” guys on the net are teaching guys to hook the girl. Third “falling in love” is a very hypnotic event that we do to ourselves. A mental loop that feeds it’s self. And with the spath the “in love” gets hooked/anchored to the fear. Trauma bond. And all the other things that happens in these relationships.
It may help you to see a list of “context” events and the emotions you have side by side. It may also help to answer to yourself – What am I holding on to? And many times it’s the other core issues that we really don’t want to deal with that are getting in the way. The path to getting over this is seldom a straight line. More of a deal with the spath issue. Then deal with a few issues from before the spath and back and forth.
My 2 Cents
Spoon
something just hit me…sitting here working away on work at my computer. it is hard to let go of the ‘story line’ of the last three years as i must heal what is wounded, and not just cover it up and try to move forward. trying to do so is making me very rigid…this is the sort of rigidity i have seen in others who i have known who had hard pasts….
i don’t know how to heal this yet, but if healing it means that i can have my heart and soul back, i must try to figure out how. one of the big things is to drop the anger at the spath, and my n dad, sis, ex. it seems completely illorgical to drop the anger – i am angry, i should be angry. they have done horrible things.
i don’t know how i can honour the hell i have been through. i need to. one could say i could develop a deeper compassion for and understanding of people. does jsj suffer – maybe not knowingly, but yes, she does. to only want to hurt others is a type of hot anger. she burns no doubt – even if she doesn’t understand her pain or the cause of it, she does suffer, because she lives eternally in negative emotions.
but she IS still out there hurting and defrauding people. what a nightmare. i still want her stopped.
and my anger burns and i want her punished. but those flames are consuming me also. rotting me out from the inside. it has crystalized inside of me, and it is fed daily out of habit. so, i have to find compassion and let go of anger. interesting to me that all the terms i have just used are all terms of process: rotting, crystalization, burning. Process is about change and transformation. I can change, these processes can change.
My biggest fear is that i am unable to change – too tired and wounded to. And i am holding on to my anger, as oddly enough, it is the only ‘woobie’ i have felt i had to hold on to. it has been my companion.
I heard something the other day about survivors of PTSD. It was in one of the video links that spoon posted – to paraphrase:” I always hear that people ‘just want to go back to the type of person they were before the awful thing happened’, but if you do, they you are the type of person that that awful thing can happen to.”
Yah: we all have some very interesting stories; don’t we? Goodness gracious. It’s unbelievable the realizations I am
coming to and have in this past 4 months of absolute and strictly enforced NC, on my behalf. Although the stalking
continued until 12 days ago.
For only 12 days, in the past almost six years, now, has it been quiet and all about MY LIFE without the insane intrusions, the death threats, the constant and incessant battering, psychologically and emotionally. It was nothing BUT abuse and I sustained and tolerated it because “I felt sorry for IT”…imagine that….
I opened that door to hell because I allowed myself to feel sorry for someone and cared about someone and tried to help them out of the mud they were asking me to rescue them from. I was tricked because when I reached out for that hand,
I found myself putting my hand right smack dab into the hand of the devil itself.
There was no other way to rid my life from the insanity that almost grabbed a hold of me by mere ‘association’ alone, including up to, but not limited to, taking my very life from me with it’s ugliness, but to cut it off and make it go away.
For all time.
It comes down to survival. Literally, sometimes.
With a ‘being’ as such as I was associated with, the only way
to survive the encounter is to go completely NC and mean it.
From what I saw and experienced, a psychopath creates obsessions in their minds and nothing will quell that obsession until they get what they want. They have multiple relationships with a multitude of people, all at once, because that is their ‘supply chain’. And, of course, “IT” plays them all against one another and they lovingly follow. Except something went very wrong when I became inducted into that supply list: I didn’t go along with the game. I demanded respect and if that couldn’t be given, then I want it away from me. There was never any respect from “IT”. In fact, quite the opposite, because WOMEN are NOT suppose to be as strong as I was, you see.
In “ITS” words: “women should be told what to do and kept in a cellar and only allowed out to f**k, have babies, clean and/or cook. women should have no opinion. They do as they are told.”
Well, excuse me, but I don’t live that way and never have.
When I refused to play the game is when things started to get ugly. I won’t continue to cower for long; in fact my ‘strength meter’ is almost on full now. I am stronger than “IT”; always HAVE BEEN stronger than “IT” and ALWAYS WILL BE stronger than “IT”.
I just needed to step up and take what is my birth right BACK. To live the way “I” choose and not the way someone else is ‘suggesting’ or ‘inflicting’ upon me as to what they think I should do or not. THIS IS MY LIFE. Not to be lived through manipulation at someone else s will.
Hi spoon: nice to see you.
every time I read you, I smile. xxoo
Dopey
One joy, this is going to be probably the most unpopular thing ever said on this site and I will probably get thrashed for it. But you have a choice – you get to hold onto your anger. Or you get to be happy. You cannot have both. The more you can let go, the more at peace and happier you will feel. Are you justified in being angry? Absolutely. But would you rather be right or happy?
Forgiveness only means letting go of a grievance. Letting go of the anger. It doesn’t mean you condone the person or wish them well. It just means letting go of the grievance, presumably because you have other, better things to do than to give these people more of your precious energy. Do you want to spend your life being angry and resentful? Having things to look forward to in your life, things that bring you joy, will move you toward the future, just like your user name – one joy at a time. When you have enough of those things in your life, there simply will be no room for the anger to co-exist. I have come to realize happiness is a conscious choice. I have to choose it every day and sometimes several times throughout the day. Life is too short to hold onto the things that keep us unhappy. Maybe it’s because I’m almost 52 and have become painfully aware of my own mortality. But I want to spend the rest of my years in peace and joy. This was not happening as long as I was holding onto resentments and blaming others for the state of my current life. You already gave 3 years of your life to a worthless lying piece of crap. Are you really willing to give her the rest of your life? You CAN get past this, one joy. You are such an incredible, creative, and brilliant human being. You have great things to do on this planet. In my mind, I picture you as a teacher, writer, and leader. (This may not be your agenda – it’s just how I imagine you. :))
If there is any way possible to sit down and imagine what it would be like to feel joy and happiness, this will help you. Maybe you’ve had times in your life when you felt it, it’s good to bring those times back to mind. Maybe you just dream at night (as I do) of happy things that have never happened in real life. Doesn’t matter. Hold onto those feelings and let that be your vision for how you want to live your life. Then if the anger is holding you back, find some way to deal with it. Maybe write a book, a long letter, a short story, or reach other to other people going through what you went through. Do something with the anger. If there is nowhere else to go with it, maybe it’s time to consider just letting it go and moving on. Maybe you have different kinds of creative things you’d rather do. The idea that you will be unable to get better is just a belief. I used to believe that myself for many years. It’s not true. There is nothing wrong with you except that you think something is wrong with you.
Maybe you don’t believe you deserve to be happy – that happiness is for other people. (This used to be how I felt). Then that’s where you start. You rewrite that script until you believe you deserve it as much as everyone else. Changing that belief will make a huge difference.
Hugs from me. 🙂
Dupey, why do you call yourself Dopey? You are anything but. 🙂
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Fantastic…….
By what you wrote your closer to getting over it then you know.
Sometimes in life all we have is, it happened. The spath is as the spath is and you where as you where and the two collided. But in the end the real you has always been there the same before it happened as is afterwards. The one who decides what to think, how to feel, what to believe, what actions to take.
Sometimes there is no justice in life. The lighting bolt doesn’t strike. Can be a good thing. Many of us might not be here if it worked like that. Plus there is no closure – except what we give it.
I do get what you feel. I was angry, pissed off…etc and wanted to take a baseball bat to a whole bunch of people. Problem I finial realized is even if I had done that. I’d still be angry, pissed off and now no one to take a baseball bat too. Relieved a little stress. But won’t fix the problem.
For me the things that kept me going is others are happy so it can be done. The best revenge is to live a life of love, of happiness. And have a good time doing it. This is something they’ll never have. Also when I figured out that they did it because of who they are. Not because of who I am. Then it was them not me. And I got pissed at the crap that was in me. Because I had decided it wasn’t me. Not even a part of me. It was part of them that was poisoning my life, from the inside.
The compassion should be for yourself. The spath is a thorn in your side and it needs to be removed, not for it’s sake but for yours. Yes as long as the anger is in you it is part of you. [Well until you decided to see it as I did. IT was them.] But just a part. You are more then just anger. Not saying that you don’t have a right to be angry. Just at some point we get to were it is doing more damage then good. As you already know.
Wish I had the magical word that would work “Mumblefrakin”
Didn’t do to much for me either.
Again from what I see your having an AHAAAAAAAAAAA moment.
May you have many more.
The only way I know to get over it is to get it out of you. And you already know how I did it. But any way that works for you without doing more damage. Go for it.
Back_from_the_edge
12 days. Glad for you. Hope its forever..
“I felt sorry for IT” Let me help you with this sentence “IT IS SORRY. A SORRY BLANKIED BLANK BLANK to infinity!!!”
“THIS IS MY LIFE.” You tell it………
You are a sweetheart. OOXX
My 2 Cents
Spoon
Stargazer
Amen
Star ~ I’ve been out of town for a couple of months and could not post so I wanted to say I am so glad to see your kind and thoughtful posts again. I watched your video, looks like so much fun, thanks for sharing it with us.
Dupey ~ How are you friend? I see you and Hens are up to some mischief again. You take care my dear, thinking of you.
((((Milo))))