Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
There are many reasons…
Sexual frustration for one. They see TV programs and billboards with skimpy clad women all the time. But sexuality is a taboo subject both for men and women in the culture. The boys can’t talk about it with their parents, let alone their mother; they’re supposed to guard their sisters and nieces into staying chaste, etc… Meanwhile only a few grow up in a school environment where they are a minority. Most of them (choose to) go to schools where the majority are also Maroccans. So, there’s a spontaneous seggregation happening in practice. So, who are they gonna share their sexual development with? Boys of the same age of the same taboo and seggregated culture. I guess it starts as a ‘dare’ game for them. Of course the way they do it is so rude and stupid and foolish their chances are nill. So they end up being rejected and rejected and rejected all the time, while all they superficially know about Western woman is that they do have sex before marriage, sometimes have one night stands. If they are so sexually free then the rejection is doubly hurtful, and must have racist reasons. If they were to actually mix with Belgian men they’d might learn that a Belgian man who was to act the same way would get rejected too.
This rejection piles up on the rest of the rejection they already feel in other circumstances: school and job opportunities. The issues at school are not coming from the institution but again a wrong perception and cultural clash issues. Children raised by parents who haven’t had much schooling themselves are less likely to be checked up on their progress (this is so for any origin). They might be 3rd or even 4th generation, but often either their father or mother is someone their other Belgian-Maroccan 2dn or 3rd generation parent married from Marocco. They had an arranged marriage or fell in love with someone there while visiting family. So at least one parent hardly knows the language and could be regarded as a 1st generation immigrant. So they rarely get a practical or pragmatical stimulus to do well. On the other hand they might be heralded as the pedigree of intelligence in the family, since they speak the local language best. Plus they see other native children go to colleges and universities and know it’s at least not that expensive. So they have this idea they can study and learn without doing anything for it. As a result they flunk their years and end up having to either go to another school, or another school system and do it all over again. As for work, it is statistically very difficult for them to get even invited to an interview.
So they are in a total identity mess, and they are trying to counter it with pride about their origin (Marocco), and hence reject our society at the same time, and who better and easier to reject and scapegoat than the emancipated symbol of our society: Belgian women walking on the street who in their body language culture comes across as weak.
The body language cultural difference is the last clash: I wrote how in my culture people do not make eye contact on the street, that we could be ghosts walking on the street. And when a Belgian guy would bother us in the bar, all we need to do to express dislike and rejection is by looking away and ignoring them.
In islamic cultures though ‘not looking’ at a person is sign of being respectful to them. When I was in Egypt in a summer dress buying some stamps in a shop from a muslim man he would never raise his eye at me, never. It didn’t matter that i had loose hair, bare shoulders and arms and naked legs from the knee down. The man would not look at me as a sign of respect. That is what is normal.
Now combine those two meanings in a Belgian bar or on the street. Let’s say that a Maroccan man stares at me with the most degrading look he can muster. Staring is not done in his culture. You only stare at people for whom you have no respect at all. But a Belgian woman will avoid making eye-contact, not acknowledge his existence. She will signal for her that she doesn’t acknowledge him being there, but for the Maroccan man she’s signalling she has a lot of respect for him by ignoring him. If you did not respect someone and then get the impression that the one you don’t respect is displaying nothing but respect to you, you will most likely only loath them even more. It creates a dynamic where you think the other is weak and you can abuse them some more.
I see this happen in bars all the time. Some Maroccan man harasses a Belgian woman who does nothing but staring away in the hope that will get rid of him, and instead it just makes it worse. When I see a woman in such distress I often advize her to stare straight back at him and tell him his mother taught him better manners than that. When I’m in a bar, or on the bus or tram and I catch a north African man staring at me, I stare right back and shake my head signaling he’s being impolite. What usually happens is that they almost instinctively lower their eyes then in shame, and that’s when I can start to ignore them. Chances are very low the guy will stare at me again.
In a way, it’s important to bite back and show as much disrespect to them as they show you. When you ignore their disrespect and insults, you are signaling them they can walk all over you and don’t respect yourself.
On the street though it’s not as easy. Part of our inbred street culture is not to invite trouble by not making eye contact, not to provoke. If a Maroccan man then happens to pass and stares at you it is often too late to nip it in the bud. That’s basically what happened yesterday. He stared at me as he passed and I did not stare him down, and even if I had, he wouldn’t have noticed because of the sunglasses.
Darwinsmom:
This would never happen in the little bar in the ‘De Swarte Panter’, one of my favorite places in Antwerp. I am sorry to go off the track, but mentioning Antwerp, brought back the best memories. Shalom
Shalom, ‘De Zwarte Panter’ as far as I know has been a gallery since at least the end of the 80s 🙂 But I know it used to be somekind of brothel or entertainment establishment before that. But perhaps you mean another place. As a pub though at least I don’t know it.
The bar where it happened to me twice was called Bar Tabac, pretty much a bohemean freethinker style of bar and started by a guy who had studied fashion design at the Academy and coke dealers and buyers came there. So it was expected to have some risky clients sometimes. I avoided those though.
Sky ~ thanks for the link you mentioned above. I checked it out, tons of interesting info. Thanks again
‘De Zwarte Panter’ is a gallery and has the coolest 8 seater bar on the front right hand side. You can take your drink to the little courtyard and mix and mingle with a very interesting mix of folks. Shalom
You’re welcome Milo.
Darwinsmom, I think you nailed it on every level. Rejection is a huge part of it. Sexual frustration is too.
I’m reading a book, “The Descent of Woman”. It sort of addresses that. Haven’t finished it yet, I’m curious how it winds up explaining exactly why men are violent toward women. It’s written by Elaine Morgan, the woman who came up with the “aquatic ape” theory. That theory is the beginning of the explanation of why men feel rejected by women.
Country bumpkin, with wild hair and a big diesel truck. Sky, I had NO idea. I think I am in love!
Sky, I’m not completely naive – I realize there are a lot of toxic people, users, and abusers out there. I’m not saying they don’t exist or that you didn’t happen to run into several in a row. It happens. But this hasn’t happened to me lately, at least not in any way that is notable that I’d even remember, so it makes me wonder about the circles you hang out in. It’s fair to say there are quite a few out there, but I can only speak for myself in that the places I’ve been going to meet men, there is a lot of sincere flattery that is just really an exchange of energy between the genders and not any kind of red flag. I myself compliment men freely, especially if they seem shy or lacking confidence on the dance floor. I compliment women, as well. My compliments are always sincere. I told one guy what a beautiful smile he had and how his smile makes me smile. It’s completely true. I will also tell a guy if I think he is a good dancer or if they look handsome. And they will tell me I look beautiful, they like the dress, or that I’m also a good dancer, etc. I have no reason to be suspicious of any of these comments, but perhaps it’s just the circles I run in. Like I said, spaths aren’t likely to hang out at the salsa clubs because it requires time, money, patience, and commitment to become a good salsa dancer. However, I definitely have met some guys there whose energy and behaviors I just didn’t like or didn’t find gentlemanly. Or even a few who were drunk and just trying to pick someone up. They stand out like a sore thumb in a room full of gentlemen. I completely enjoy the compliments I receive from the men in my social circles, and I’m reasonably sure they enjoy my compliments as well. It’s very innocent – I don’t consider it any kind of ploy or manipulation. I flirt with all the men in the class at least a little. Men are supposed to like women and vice versa. It doesn’t have to be anything more than what it is. I think there are different types of flattery, but when you’re in a good space with yourself and being able to receive a sincere compliment, it will boost your confidence rather than trigger fear and suspicion. But that’s just my .02. I have not had any spaths passing through my life since the one in ’08. Could just be the luck of the draw, or could just be that I don’t gravitate to them anymore.
I have found that happy people tend to compliment others more and just be more kind and supportive in general. Being able to receive that goodwill from another is a way to raise your positive energy as well. I think it’s a good thing to be able to accept a sincere compliment. It doesn’t mean you are going to sleep with the person. It’s just a compliment. Not all compliments are love bombing.
My friend J that I like so much said to me one time when I got to the club: “There’s the girl whose smile lights up a room!” It made me feel so good when he said that. I feel the same way about him. Flattery alone is not enough to make me suspicious of someone – there have to be other red flags and maybe a gut feeling that something’s wrong to accompany the flattery. Sounds like maybe the guys you met were giving off other red flags. I would never give the time of day to a man who was married and trying to hit on me. But I wouldn’t necessarily label him as a spath. I would just think…poor character, bad news, etc., not the least bit interesting to me. And I’d run for the hills.
BTW, I read that Elaine Morgan book many years ago when I was doing my senior year abroad in Scotland. It was for a psychology class of some sort. I found it fascinating and still refer to parts of it today, though I don’t remember much. I might read it again at some point.
On the subject of these types of traditional Middle Eastern men, I believe that since they cannot handle their own sexual urges, they project onto the woman that she is a slut or whore, and this is why she needs to hide every part of her that would make her appear as a sexual being – her hair, her body, etc. It’s one culture I really really don’t have much tolerance for.
OneJoy,
LOL! I love you too!!
I have a small sports car too, and often straighten my hair, put on make up and look very different. I know how to dress for the occasion. Just so happens, the occasion is usually jeans, curly hair and a huge turbo diesel truck. But something about me shows through, no matter what I dress like. I attract spaths. I know that.
I’m just not sure what it is.
Star, I was parked in front of the organic coop store in a small town, putting oil in the truck. I wasn’t hanging out anywhere. It has happened when I sit in restaurants, when I’m going for a walk (a guy drove up behind me and I know he was going to accost me because he asked me if I wanted to see his “parrot”. When I kept walking (I was walking AGAINST traffic and he had moved into the oncoming lane to talk to me, JUST LIKE JAYCEE DUGARD), He didn’t drive away, he reached toward the passenger seat. Then a car pulled up and stopped because he was blocking their path. That’s when he pulled away.
The guy on craigslist was giving away asphalt. Something that appeals to men, (construction workers). So I was a surprise to him, he wasn’t trying to lure women.
I’m not hanging around any place in particular. I barely go out. But if there is a spath around, they sniff me out. Luckily, I can sniff them out now too.
My response to all of these people is to be kind. That’s my nature and I will always be that way. But now, I don’t apologize for my boundaries. I say no. I say I have a BF.
Star, you and I are definitely going to have to get together one day and do some experimenting on the nature of male/female courtship rituals. I think that we can learn a lot from each other.