Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Sky and 1steprs. You know what they say “Big truck little ____” it’s all about compensation ~!
I think CL is fine for buying and selling thing’s. But be careful Sky,,,CL is a very dangerous place, it’s a haven for perverts and predator’s.
Yeah Hens,
I got a very very little _____. 😯
In fact, my exspath used to tell me that all the time.
don’t ask me what that means, cuz I don’t really know, but I’m sure it’s a “tell” of some kind.
You are right about craigslist too.
I have another story. I wanted to buy a cheap flip cell phone for my mom. found one for $10. Met the guy on his porch. He was young, working in his garden, vigilant about keeping the cat indoors so it wouldn’t get hurt, such a nice, good looking, normal young man. I sat on the porch while I called verizon to activate. We chatted.
I get home and was looking through the phone. He erased all his contacts but forgot to erase the caller ID’s and previous calls he made. He also forgot to erase the voice memos he made. OMG.
It was his voice but he was screaching, howling, sounded retarded, saying off the wall things in mickey mouse voices, making sounds like only a certifiable lunatic would make AND recording them. WTF? 😯 😯
Sky,
Not sure whether I’m utterly immune… but I’ve been a natural in dissociating since I was child. Actually when I had the identity crisis at 24-26 it was what I did mostly did and what caused it.
But I think it’s the first time I’m using it properly I think. I observe and make note of what people say and how they behave. But I don’t equate their behaviour and words anymore with my feelings. Let’s say there’s someone attempting to flatter me. I make note of that. Then I will ask myself, “How do I feel?”, but not “How does it make me feel?”. The first question will bring up all types of answers (suspicous, uncomfortable, in a funny mood because that was blatant, …), but hardly ever “flattered”. Whereas the latter question to myself would exactly only have “It makes me feel flattered” as an answer (which gives me no important info at all, because that was the goal of their behaviour).
I explicitly intervene between someone’s behaviour and giving them responsibility on how they make me feel. I’ve realized that I have the ability to not allow people make me feel anything. They are not the cause of my feelings. I may have feelings ABOUT their behaviour, but those are genuinely and totally 100% my own feelings.
lmao…certified lunatic..oh well at least he liked to garden…
Yes I have some CL stories but not gonna tell em here…but i do occasionally selll things on CL..I NEVER give my address, they have to call me first and then meet me at Rudy’s BBQ and make the transaction their..
I had a big ole chair that was to good to throw away so I put it on the CL free stuff…jaysus ( as 1stprs would say ) I had people from all over that wanted me to bring it to them or said they would be meet me at Rudys at 4 and never showed – never thot giving something away would be so fricken difficult and time consuming….I relisted it for 20 bucks and a nice old man net me at Rudys BBQ….
Darwinsmom,
this is a very interesting conversation because it seems that you and I are attempting to define the same thing, but using different techniques.
You say you dissociate easily. That is usually a technique used by children who are traumatized. Do you think something happened to you to create that ability?
Nevertheless, I agree that it can be very useful when you apply it with intent. I only learned it because I had to deal with the spath’s constant attacks. It is LITERALLY a life saver. It saved me from killing myself.
The difference, I think, between the way you use it and the way I use it, is that I actually allow myself to be affected by the other person. I DO ask, “How does it make me feel?” Yet concurrently, I also have a split self, that knows I don’t have to feel that way, I choose it so that I can observe it/experience it better. This is no different from going to a movie and allowing the drama to sweep you up, cry, laugh, feel exhilarated etc…, while concurrently knowing you can flip the switch and it ends because you know it is an emotional manipulation.
The movie experience teaches you more if you can feel the drama, than if you only watch and observe dispassionately.
Yet, it’s important to always be in control of your choice to feel. Especially when it is a spath drama and not an actual theatrical production. This is because there is the element of cog/dis: It’s tempting to believe what you want to believe.
Feeling flattered, IMO, DOES give you information. It’s information about yourself and how vulnerable you are. I can dissociate from feeling flattered, yet still feel it.
I think perhaps the difference between us is that you are putting up boundaries at the first sign of red flag. Whereas maybe I’m still not using boundaries in a healthy way (or at all). It’s possible that my reaction to fear is still to trauma bond (if they like me, they won’t kill me) and that’s why I don’t really feel fear, even in dangerous situations. Sounds like the 180 rule, huh?
I’m still learning.
Sky and Darwinsmom, thanks for the clarification about the differences between flattery and complimenting. I was using them interchangeably, but I certainly see the difference, with one being a crossing of boundaries. The spath I fell for in 2008 definitely did the boundary-crossing thing along with all of his compliments. For instance, it was inappropriate for him to hug me on first meeting, or later trying to get into my personal space and touching me. I thought it was odd back then, but I would definitely recognize those as red flags these days. I didn’t know what a spath was back then. The guy I lived with who turned out to be a child molestor also had issues with his boundaries which I observed over and over. This was an “alert” to me that there was something wrong and one of the reasons I broke up with him and turned down his marriage proposal. However, it didn’t send up a “spath” alert because I didn’t know what a spath was back then. I am all the wiser now. I haven’t run into anyone like this lately, but I’m pretty sure I’d recognize the boundary-crossing behaviors.
I haven’t gotten the creepy kind of flattering lately – just a lot of flirting and sincere compliments. I think being able to receive this healthy form of male-female interaction brings more joy into my life and brings me one step closer to possibly meeting someone special. I wish this for everyone, and I wish it without guardedness or suspicion, because there are a lot of good men out there. Even a year ago, I didn’t think there were ANY men in this country for me. Now I find them everywhere. I know it is because of a change in me.
Sky, I’m editing this because I just reread your last post. You are learning to observe red flags, but you are unable yet to “feel” uneasy around them, so you are still nice to these people. I think when you begin to feel more, you will be able to assert healthier boundaries because your feelings give you information (as I know you know). You need to feel safe in order to feel feelings. You were in an unsafe situation for 25 years. It make take a little time. You’re getting there, my friend.
Sky,
I learned to dissociate by being the chronic outside as a child from my peers in classes. I was ignored and neglected, sometimes bullied by my peers from my 7 until 14. It was very painful for me because I could not understand what was wrong with me for children to basically treat me as non-existent over and over.
Then later when I had a relationship from my 19-24 I had to dissociate again. My boyfriend was not a bad man, nor unkind, certainly not abusive, but actually a very bad match. Because he was young too (only a year older than me) and a total different temperament (introverted) at some point he tried to change me… that is he tried to change my temperament. He was quite insulting to my parents by rarely sharing time with them (he’d go to my room and sit there for example), and he didn’t like to go out, and him and my friends was a bad match too. He just couldn’t make the effort. He had grown up in a family where nobody ever raised a voice and was calm at all times. I grew up in temperamental family. If we are angry and upset, we show it, slam doors, shout, but then there’s an end to it. We are a chatty family too, especially when we socialize. He felt embarrassed and ashamed that I could chat so easily with people. He claimed I talked too much and made people feel uncomfortable. Of course it was just him who was uncomfortable, not the people nor me. He would give me this sign with his foot when he felt I should quieten down and stop talking. He never isolated me though, never asked me to drop friends. I went out with my friends without him after 2 years. And even when he went upstairs to my room after dinner, I’d sit and chat with my parents for at least an hour more. But he shunned pretty much everyone I cared about beside him, and when it were ‘his people’ I had to be a silent mouse, not draw attention, etc…
So basically I ended up being with a man who thought he loved me, but just could not understand me, nor accepted the very chore of my being. Once again, I was basically chronically rejected. So I started to dissociate again.
And then one morning, after New Year my om berated me over the dishes and I started crying and I couldn’t explain why. It was as if I did not know anymore what I felt. I cried, I felt deeply sad, but I didn’t know why. That’s when I started therapy and my therapist at one point told me I had an ID crisis because of chronic dissociation. Of course I had this argument with the bf about going to therapy. He didn’t want me to, claiming that my family and friends and him surely were enough to solve my issues. But I knew by then that everybody was pretty much part of the problem because I felt loyal to everybody. I needed an impartial listener who knew nobody. A couple of months later we split up.
So, that’s how I learned to dissociate. Now, when I say I dissociate nowadays as a trick, I don’t mean I’m shutting off feelings. Because I do feel and actually very much directly ask myself, “How do I feel?” But I do dissociate from the “how does that action by x make me feel?” And I learn a big deal from it too! I feel I’m connecting with the most authentic part of myself, because I’m recognizing affects and sensations within me that otherwise would go totally unrecognized. And exactly because I go straight to my authentic feelings, rather than the “made ones” it has become far more easier for me to recognize what I want, why I have that sensation, and what I can do to change it if I feel there is need to change it. It is exactly what helps me set boundaries so easy these days.
For example: let’s say someone says something very appreciatevly of me. Yes, a part of me would make me feel appreciated, but I ignore that. Instead I ask myself what do I actually feel about that appreciation. The answer may be “I feel surprised.” Of course that leads to the question, “Why am I surprised?” Is it because I didn’t see myself in that way? Is it because I didn’t think that person saw me in that light? And if not why is that? Etc… I get a whole lot of info both about my wants, needs and expectations from it as well as the dynamics between that person and myself.
As a result it’s been clear to me that people have had little influence upon me lately, that I’m not as swayed by people as I used to be in all kinds of directions, that I feel less responsible about others’ behaviours, and that my responses are as authentic as they may be and follow my own wants, needs and desires much better. It makes me feel very very centered within and connected to myself.
Yes, I could learn about mu vulnerabilities, but as long as I’m honest with myself, I can find those without a flatterer’s help. And in any case, when I give away the responsibility of my feelings to someone else then it’s no surprise I’ll end up feeling what they intend to make me feel (with good or bad intentions)… after all that is the purpose behind their actions. I’m not so much interested in feeling what they want to make me feel, only knowing what they intended and I can do that by noting their behaviour. What I am mostly interested in is how I truly feel independently and what I can if they have bad intentions. The past months it has given me the ability to choose my actions during rather than after.
PS Since I wrote this post someone just called my door. There’s a camera but he kept his face away and I didn’t reognize the voice. He started to blab about some mobilette parked across the buikding at some trees, and that it suspiciously looked like his. I talked to him asking why he was ringing my doorbell about it. Told me, that it was parked there and it looked like his. I suggested him then to go to the police about it then and hung up. Weirdo! LOL.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
🙂
The spath is not going to change nor do they care that your angry, hurt…hell they don’t care about anyone at all. They just want what they want when they want it.
There is not much you can ever do to a spath except to momentary incontinent them. They just flip it in their head and see they meant for it to happen this way.
Holding on to the anger only hurts you. And stops one from being able to move on.
There is only one person that can help you and that is you. And it starts with a decision to move past it. Look forward to what you want instead of what you don’t want.
The only validation for the experience – you know it happened. That you not only survived it but you moved past it. You transcended the things that compelled you to need these types of relationships. Stronger and at peace.
So as I’ll keep saying the best revenge is to live a happy life.
Love, laughter, hope and someone that adds to your life to share it with.
My 2 Cents
Spoon
Wrote that a couple of days ago and meant to add to it.
You are not your feelings. The anger is not you it is how you decided to respond emotionally to the situation. Which means that you already have the ability to decide a new way of seeing. But one must choose to do so.
They did what they did, not because of you, but because of who they are. You are the only one that has the ability to set your own value, worth etc. No one can add or subtract from it. But we can accept what others think of us as true.
My 2 Cents
Spoon
I chose this Post to comment on because I couldnt find one that fit me.. I am in a state of shock wondering.. Is my son a sociopath?? He is 32 now.. My husband said to me once.. I have only met two people in my life that are pathological liars.. and your son is one of them.. He’s in trouble with the law, but its never his fault.. I believe him to be a master manipulator.. but I have never seen him violent.. I have bailed him out till I no longer wanted part of it.. but then my husband.. wanted to give him one more chance….. theres always one more chance.. He got married.. we thought yeah.. he was holding a job we thought great.. he has 3 kids.. I have raised one.. and now he wanted to raise his kid along with his new wife.. all seemed well.. we gave him a truck so it would be easier on him.. soon the split.. he gets a title loan on the truck.. expensive truck.. hes about ready to lose it my husband.. who is not his dad.. gets a loan to get him out from under it.. so he pays the payments then we find out he gets an ex and transfers the title to her so she can get another title loan.. he doesnt have the money to pay her back.. she wants the truck or will call police.. he scares her and gets a restraining order.. he finally comes up with the money.. and blames the whole thing on her.. trying to get me to see is unfounded point.. she is a nice girl.. before he gets the title changed back over.. he is arrested.. its in her name.. gullible here.. pays the 500.00 to the ex girlfriend for her to get it out of impound and gives it to me. He had confessed he had the money.. he didnt. now between the loan and the impound he owes me 3000.00.. he gets arrested again. wants me to put the truck up for collateral.. I say no.. he disowns me.. but keeps calling collect.. I finally agree telling him if I bail him out after I will sell the truck and pay back the debts he owes us and get his kid some school cloths he agrees.. then hes out.. Im a thief.. he was arrested for leading the police into his friends house who he stated was a known addict. the police find Marijuana.. he was running from the police.. he blames his friend totally.. the charges got dropped but to bail him out it was a higher fee.. cause his truck was devalued by the damage he had prev caused.. once out.. he wants to know why he cant get the fee back from the bail bondsman..? as if I should pay it.. He never has remorse about any thing.. He is charming to woman.. but seems to have no conscience.. I start to read about a sociopath and find he fits every catagory.. except he has never been violent.. with the exception of his words.. He is loud.. accuses.. never takes responsibility.. then defends his behavior as if its always everyone elses fault.. One point.. I live 4 hours away from a city.. that he had to be at probation meetings.. so i thought.. he would make me jepordize my job.. to get him there. meet a girlfriend, make me wait out in the car for hours….. all the time telling me how well he was doing straightening out his life.. at one point.. he would have me drive him to friends house.. actually later finding out he was dealing drugs.. and i was his transportation.. I am a christian woman.. and now I am reading.. these personality traits.. I have such a heart for his women victoms.. I feel they are now.. but I cant fix anyone anymore.. it hurts too much.. do I just step out of his life???? is there no help….. is he a sociopath?? please help.. I may of been fooled.. but I know one thing for sure.. I can no longer help him… with the exception of prayer.. I am not the monster mother in law.. I love my two daughter in laws.. and one of them still calls me mom.. and my grandbabies love me.. I raise my grandson.. do I ever tell him.. I have come to the conclusion just recently that my son may visit his son here but because of his recent activity with the law.. and reading on this personaility thing.. I dont feel him safe.. and yet he worked at a job for almost 4 years till his recent firing.. but he was in sales.. a job where his manipulation skills paid off.. please tell me Im not the crazy one.. Im at my limit.. for all the young ladies.. or even men dealing with there hurts.. Moms hurt really bad too.. for you..