Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Darwinsmom, you are exactly right, I feel pretty shut down right now. I didn’t want to stalk the guy on Facebook or anything, but I did figure out his last name from his email and plugged it into a google search. I found just a small amount of information on him. He does have a FB page with his picture on it, but I didn’t go into it, as my account is deactivated. I don’t want to know too much before he tells me. But I did find out that he has a college degree from the midwest and is quite intelligent. He is some sort of a forest planner and writes very technical articles about forest planning – very left brain stuff. It appears as though he is 56 and may have two kids. I think his father is from Moscow and died a few years ago. That’s all I was able to find. From what I’ve seen and read, he appears to be a very fine person from a close knit family. And yes, it’s triggered all my self-esteem issues which are the main matter of business for me.
I looked at the photos from class last night. They are fabulous. After dancing with him for 45 minutes, I was smiling from ear to ear in spite of myself. I can’t wait to show him the pics.
I’m not sure how to proceed from here because I still feel drawn to being around him but don’t want him to see me shut down and in fear. I do plan to go dancing tomorrow where he will be, so we will probably dance together. I guess it is what it is, and if I scare him off because I’m not ready, then so be it. I finally meet the man of my dreams – the one I (literally) dream about and ask for from my higher power. And then I’m not ready. It’s frustrating. After all the losers I’ve dated. Go figure.
Star,
There’s nothing wrong with not being ready. It doesn’t have to happen NOW 🙂 You DESERVE to give yourself every time you need! It’s not as if he put you on the spot and gave you an ultimatum, did he? 🙂
Dupey, I’m glad that you’re not falling into the anxiety thing, dear one. Although each day without another stalking attempt was like a day sent from Great Creator, I think that you were well-prepared for another “encounter.”
When I recall how you were feeling several months ago, I can only say that you are a true inspiration to me. To actually read another person’s healing processes and “see” how strong one human being can become after emerging from spath carnage gives me so much personal courage and resolve.
Stargazer, I’m beyond cautious about meeting men. I have absolutely no interest in having anyone “significant” in my life – not ever. It’s not that I feel that “all men” are going to be spaths, at all. I simply have had every core belief that I ever maintained burned down do zero. So, I truly believe that there are healthy, happy, and strong relationships out there, but I would insist on a civil and criminal background check, credit reports, and a clear understanding that my life is all about me and my recovery. LOL!!! It’s like that fantasy that I entertained a couple of months back – the response is too hilarious and my personal expectations for myself are far too important for me to work on to let anyone (man, woman, child) interfere with my recovery. Bottom line: it will never happen because I won’t allow it.
I’ve actually had friends ask me, “But, what if he’s The One For You?” Oh, really? Well, for my purposes, I’m the One For Me, right now. I can’t predict the future, and I’ve given up trying to. But, I know that I will scare anyone off that threatens my recovery, whatsoever. I hold the key to my own validation, and I’ll be hogtied, tarred, and feathered before I had that key to any other human being.
Brightest blessings
Oh…..Stargazer, that emotional exhaustion is a warning where I’m concerned. Anyone – and, that means anyone – who leaves me feeling drained, numb, confused, perplexed, concerned, unsettled, unbalanced, or any other “UN-thing” is out. I need every ounce of my personal energy for myself, and I have found that emotional exhaustion is a screaming klaxon warning for me.
LOL As usual, I have a more positive take on things. I feel something is going very right in my life to attract a special man like this and to have even allowed the wonderful feelings in the first place. I have only dreamed of these kind of feelings around a man, but had never experienced them before. In the past, I would not have been attracted to someone like this – I would go for the more player types. In fact, in the past I would have been way too self-conscious to even take a salsa class. And now meeting this great man has triggered a lot of my old self-esteem issues. The issues were already there, and now I need to clear them. Whether I will get involved with this man or not remains to be seen. But I still need to clear the issues. He is just the muse (the motivation). It’s not a negative thing, Truthspeak. I’ve just gone into fear. I started liking someone, and I went into fear. Something I need to work on. It’s the fear that is scary. Not him. He’s wonderful. His smile truly lights up a room. Whether I will ever date him remains to be seen. But I still need to clear these issues, especially if I want someone really great and not to settle. This is the way the healing process works. People are all mirrors for us. And right now, between J and the rest of the salsa class, my self-esteem issues and lack of confidence are coming up. I have been reclusive for many years, avoiding classes like this because I knew it would trigger my self-esteem issues. So now I have to deal with them. J is just the mirror.
To be more accurate, I’m not feeling emotionally exhausted. I’m just feeling scared and shut down. It’s an old pattern for me to shut down. I spent most of my childhood like this. It’s very frustrating. My overall being however, is still energetic, light, and happy. I am just up against a wall with my self-esteem issues. You know, the thing about fear is…..it’s SCARY! I don’t think it would take too much to clear this issue – I just haven’t figured out how to open myself up on command. There is a certain way to breath and relax my jaw that lets the feelings come up. I always have to relearn this over and over again when I get overwhelmed with feelings.
I returned to a counselor yesterday that I hadn’t seen in about a year. She said I looked great and that I seemed to be doing well. Overall, I’m not miserable. I’m just up against some difficult demons.
Stargazer, thanks for clarifying your feelings! Yes – the fear is a familiar thing – almost like a favorite blanket. I don’t mean that I like being fearful, by any stretch of the imagination. What I mean is that, if I am fearful, I know how my day will unfold, how I’ll react, and how I’ll make bad choices and decisions based upon my fears. It’s a painful “comfort,” if that makes any sense.
You’ll set all of this straight, absolutely. And, you are a completely different human being than you were five months ago, a year ago, and five years ago.
No, you’re not miserable, at all. You’re that beautiful spirit with her arms outstretched to the sun, moon, and stars, and embracing YOU as a unique and precious energy.
You rock, quite simply! Brightest blessings!!
Truthspeak, fear can be like a giant fog that can close you in. I have lived with it for so many years. The difference is that I see it, and I also feel light around it. Usually whatever you shine the light of consciousness on will dissolve. But fear is pretty scary.
I remember 25 years ago, I read the Earthsea Trilogy by Ursula LeGuin. It is a very well-known science fantasy trilogy about a young wizard named Ged who lived in a time when the earth was believed to be flat. He learned that whatever he could call by its true name, he had power over. However, in his quest for knowledge, he was often chased by this giant fog whenever he’d get close to the ends of the earth in his boat. He would get very scared and sail back to his home where he would be safe. In the last book of the trilogy, he decided to face the giant fog. He actually set out looking for it. He sailed to the far reaches of the earth, beyond where he’d ever sailed before. He finally encountered it. It was huge, black, and terrifying, but he faced it. When he did, he called it by its name – Ged. The fog was really a part of him. It was his shadow. Once he named it, it dissolved. I did not really understand the metaphor at the time. I’m beginning to understand it now, because my shadow is what I’ve run away from my entire life. I have lived a very reclusive life, sticking only with what was in my comfort zone. Even traveling to Costa Rica was in my comfort zone, as long as I went alone. Now I am facing the realm of relationship. It’s terrifying to me because I have to face my shadow in order to conquer it and have the love I want in my life. I feel a lot like Ged. I feel like a warrior, finally, wanting to face my demons head on. I am now going out looking for them, flushing them out with my own awareness. I’m SO tired of living in fear. And yet, I am scared so much right now.
I’m terrified that if someone I liked really got to know me, they wouldn’t want me. And ironically, this fear tends to push people away when they get close. Catch 22.
Star,
Yes, in the face of opportunities we are often faced with a mirror, forcing us to face our fears, to investigate their source and deal with the crippling illusions of them and learn something of ourselves that helps us to grow. I’m sorry you discovered you weren’t as ready yet as you wanted, but I have every confidence that you can grow from this 🙂
Truthspeak, spoon, darwinsmom and Dear Star…
I finally changed my home (business) phone number and let me tell you what, from the moment they flicked that switch, my life became AT LEAST 1,000% quieter. I think the thing that convinced me was the TWELVE telephone stalkings I received from 8 am to noon, one day. After the last one, I just changed it and it’s like triple buried. Nobody can find it or get it now. I made sure of that.
NOW the ONLY avenue open to “IT”, to contact me, is to just come here. I would absolutely LOVE being “ITS” third strike.
I just am NOT emotionally ‘buying into’ ANYTHING “IT” is putting on the table and I am doing everything in my power to IGNORE IT and BLOCK it from my world.
Truthspeak: your words are so humbling to me.
I sure do hope things are getting better with you. xo
I am finding a deep type of peace in my life right now.
It was like all coordinated by some higher power because at the same time I changed my phone number, my computer crashed and was completely wiped out to the point, I have had to rebuild it from OS on up. It’s been DELIGHTFUL being a little ‘disconnected’ from the entire world….a time for cleansing of the soul; for reflection and plans. For prayers and to seek inspiration. It’s not every day you have someone you thought was your best friend, try to murder you and stalk you for eleven years. That don’t happen much, I would imagine. Maybe more than I want to know. I hope not.
This has been a nightmare for me and I have seen a lot of ugly nightmares. Thank you Truthspeak for your nice words. Your sweet words mean a lot to me this morning. Like getting a ‘hug’. xo
I am and have been retraining and disciplining myself into some ‘new habits’ and rolling with the wonderful and peaceful flow of the life I now have. It’s healing and soothing to know NOBODY has my phone number. NOBODY can reach me by computer. It has been like being on one of those small, tiny, little islands, in the middle of the Carribbean, sipping drinks with little umbrellas….hehehehe
Never underestimate a spath/ppath.
I don’t believe “IT” is entirely gone yet.
It is going to take time for me to be convinced.
They don’t like ‘losing’.
“IT” lost and “I” won.
Now it’s time to heal from the battle I just had with a demon.
I am healing and finding my life again.
It has been very hard, some times.
Being so ‘captured’ as I was, five years of my life went by and I am just now starting to find out things I should have known years ago. It’s very strange to me. My attentions and focus was all on “IT” and “ITS” life, without question. Just like a good, brain washed, little worker bee, I was. Out of love and affection…my love and affection almost got me snuffed out. BY IT.
It DOES get easier and it DOES get better.
WE become better. We become stronger and more ‘resolved’.
Yes. THIS IS OUR LIFE NOT THEIRS. Period.
HOPEFULLY “IT” is locked out of my world now.
Next step is relocating. I CANT WAIT EITHER!
Not because of “IT” but IN SPITE OF IT.
It deserves no nuance of me in it’s entire existence.
Not anymore. NOBODY purposely tries to harm me and “I” still can have them around me. NO WAY. HUGE RED FLAG FOLKS: If someone is abusive to you, in word, thought or action, IMMEDIATELY DITCH THE SPATH. Save yourself A LOT of future misery and just step away from the spath and find a better life. The sex or few things they do for us, that are or were decent and nice, it just isn’t worth it.
I am healing.
I never thought I would find these things.
It is very difficult ‘fitting myself back into life’ after all this.
The hardest part was finding NOBODY who could relate to me and my experience. All the ‘oh, get over it’s’ and the ‘i don’t want to hear about it anymores’ was very disheartening from people you thought loved and cared about you. You get trapped on an island somewhere and if I hadn’t of found Love Fraud, when I did, I probably would be dead. And, I do seriously mean that because I would NEVER even dream some of this stuff in my wildest nightmares.
I like being alone in the peace and quiet.
I see all the ‘little’ and so ‘important’ things now.
All the rest just really doesn’t matter anymore.
All that matters is MY ZONE. hehehe
mwah!! You beautiful peeps…
Have an awesome weekend; would ya?
Dupester
Darwinsmom, it is very frustrating for me to be this way. I know I am a beautiful person with so much to offer. But yes, these demons seem crippling to me right now. I am determined to get past it and have the life I want.
Dupey,
I’m really glad you finally decided to change your number. Now maybe you won’t be walking on eggshells every time the phone rings. You deserve some peace. Healing can only happen when you have a space of physical and emotional safety.
You are correct in that there are few people who will be able to relate to your experiences. But one thing you can do when you are relating to people is to share the parts of yourself that are relateable others, and find the common ground. If there is no common ground, that in itself can be a point of connection. “Wow, our lives are so very different. I wonder what it is like to have your experiences?” This is how I found my way back to connecting with people in spite of my horrible childhood that no one can relate to. I have some amazingly deep friendships with people who have never been through anything near what I’ve been through. I have friends who have happy healthy relationships, and I often seek counsel from them, seeing what belief systems they have that allow them to relate to a man so well. I learn so much from all my friends.