Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
whoops, posted before I was done.
Finally, an elder women friend of mine noticed what was going on and took me aside. She said, “Stop trying to analyze him, the marriage, the situation and accept it for what it is.”
JUST look at WHAT IS.
Later she told me that he probably has a personality disorder. One of the counselors he went to told me separately he was narcissistic. I asked if it could be cured, changed, fixed. He said, “prepare for a long battle.” (um….. like the rest of my life?)
Another counselor told me, he has a great need to feel in control. (Ya think?)
He was masterful at manipulating the counselors. This is where the glib and superficial charm comes in.
I had two big problems, my own ego thought I could change him and secondly I was addicted to him. I had a version of Stockholm Syndrome. I really was in love with my captor. All the dance of him sort of making me think I wasn’t good enough made me work harder and harder to win his “love” and affection. He did take advantage of the most vulnerable times – having 3 kids was a turning point in our lives, especially after the 3rd one.
I wondered myself how can I be loving to someone who can be so cruel to me? I was hellbent to make it work. That same determination also caused me to lose my boundary lines. As the relationship really was on a ventilator, I sat there and had an AHa moment, He can’t feel my love and I have come to a point where I have no boundary lines.
In the beginning, so true… he dominated my time, but I was flattered by it. but what he was really doing was isolating me until eventually all my friends kind of “went away.”
He eventually started having rage attacks. I tried so hard to make sense of them. Hey, let’s talk about this. I used to look up all kinds of literature on conflict resolution, solving problems with love and respect…. and he exploited all of my good intentions. saying things like let’s just forget about it and pretty soon I’d find myself having sex (yes sex, not making love) and that was another sickness in how we “made up.” It bothered me greatly, but inherently I knew it was wrong. It just had a bad feel solving problems by hopping into bed without any discussion, apologies, taking responsibility and accountability, etc. But you can’t make someone talk about something they refuse to talk about. Finally when I refused to go along with that, we became business partners for the sake of the kids and I lived a very lonely life in a dead marriage that wasn’t even on life support any more.
One thing that was kind of weird… toward the end (last few years) he would say things like, “You’re too intense for me.” Wow, is that projection or what? He said, “I couldn’t be romantic enough for you.” Yes, because it’s mostly (or all) phoney and what you do have, you’re giving away to someone else, hoping to win their affection and sexual partnering. He also said, “Your dad never loved you, so now matter how much I love you, it will never be enough.”
What he did was basically spin 180 degrees the things I felt, and turn them back on me. (That would be the blame game.)
I was most definitely caught up in the addiction merry-go-round, rollercoaster cycle. I wanted off, but I didn’t know how to get off. It was when I discovered lovefraud website and the concept of NO CONTACT that my healing began
I am gentler with myself now. I used to be so hard on myself. I hardly ever bought myself anything. I treat myself to massages, little food treats I otherwise would’ve denied myself, or an article of clothing on occassion.
And yes, it’s a process, little by little I’m finding the ME back. Wonderful, beautiful, sweet ‘ol me.
back from the edge,
did you used to be “Dupey”?
The big difference between the EMDR therapy and this one is you can do this one all by yourself.
To remove the emotions from a remembered event.
The reason to do this is, it is not the event but the meaning we gave the event that we keeps us reliving the event. And what is causing it is the emotion(s) that we have attached to the event.
The higher the emotional state the harder it is to over come it intellectually. So in most cases the emotional state will always trump our rational thought process.
The simple explanation of the removal process is you are going to play the memory in reverse. This can also be used on the crap we say to ourselves. And any emotional state that is causing problems.
The steps.
1) Sit down and replay the event in your head. When you feel the emotions from the event reach over and pinch yourself, doesn’t matter where and hold it. It doesn’t have to be hard, just so that you feel it. What this does is anchor the emotional state.
2) Now let your mind go back in time to where the event happened. Now go past the event if the emotional state drops off then go back to the event and go to the next step.. If it doesn’t then continue going back in time till you hit the next event and check passed it. What we are looking for is where this emotion first started. But if you don’t get the first one it’s no big deal. If the emotional state shows back up just go kill it again.
Now that we have the problem event we want to Killing the emotions hooked it.
Pretend your setting in the projection room of a movie theater. There is a thick glass window and nothing can get to you. [you can let go of pinching yourself.] Now play the movie of the event backwards about double speed. When it ends, the screen goes blank. Play it again. Screen goes blank. Play it again faster. Each time it ends the screen goes blank. Now around the fourth time let the movie screen start sliding out and keep running the movie and just let it keep sliding until it disappears.
When it has disappeared step back into the event right before it happened and follow it back to the present then watch it continue on into the future. This will clear out any other events that use this emotional state in the past and in the future.
If you have trouble seeing the movie not a big deal. You know it is there. The effects will be the same.
If you have trouble finding the seed event. This is where you have followed it all through your past but you can still feel it out there beyond you. Simply turn your head toward the feeling. This one you will kill by turning your head through the feeling. You will feel the pressure of it like a bubble. With this one you’ll butt it up against your temple and then move your head until it is passed the other temple. For most left to right. And you will feel it as it passes from temple to temple. Do this repeatedly. Then when you can push it out and let it slide out just like the movie exercise.
The effects is you can still remember the event but you will not have the emotions. So no more need to relive it. Plus you’ll have a hole in your head. You may be more emotional, cry, angry etc.. Sleep can be messed up for a few nights. The bigger the emotional state that was killed the greater the effects, will be. And it can open up other things you have suppressed or forgotten about. This is a good thing. If it is in you then it will effect you until it is dealt with.
And each time you kill something. Smile, that crap is no longer going to bother you. Tell yourself good job, way to go etc. Then bring on the next one. Because the sooner they are killed the sooner you can have your revenge. And that is to have a happy life.
The steps will shorten as you do this a few times to the point that you will no longer need to do the projector room you will just play the move backwards, letting it slide out of sight and follow it back to the present and let it move on out to the future.
Another pointer is any time you find one that you want to kill but you can’t do the exercise at that moment. Just anchor it with the pinch and with this one pinch a little harder but don’t bruise yourself. Now when you have the time pinch the same place and the emotional state will pop up and you can follow it back and kill it. Make sure that you pinch a place you will remember. Like squeeze the middle finger. In a sense your flipping off the emotional state.
There is another if your having problems getting the picture of someone out of your head.
For Dopey who is a sweetheart: The exploding smurf.
Let the picture of the psycho or who ever you want out, form in your head. Now turn it blue or any bright color(s) will work. Now start shrinking the picture of the blue psycho until it is very small-tiny and if it talks make the voice squeaky where you can’t even hear or understand it. Now grin and push the button that makes the psycho smurf explode, very very violently, a massive explosion. The blue covers your whole field of vision. Open your eyes. Now try and see the picture of the psycho.
I’ll post some more about what to look for to erase.
Donna,
Thank you for this great article. I can definitely relate to all that you wrote and knew when the realization of what I had been dealing with, was a serious matter for my mental and emotional health. If not for your website, the education, the stories, the healing, I can’t say where I’d be. Thank you and all the contributor’s, this is one life you have definitely saved. May God continue to bless and grow you all.
-Tracye
Donna,
I found this article so good and concise. It kinda needs to be stickied 🙂 In any case I have also posted the link to it on a site where people stumble upon the first realization that their partner isn’t just lying all the time, but shows the signs of a spath.
Spoon,
Interesting read on the technique to remove emotions glued onto memories of events. I’m indeed learning how giving emotional meaning to actions, behaviour and events involving other people is not a healthy way to look at things. That is, I stopped doing that. I witness an event and label it cognitively in a factual manner,, and I still make note of my emotions at the time, but in the sense of “How do I feel right now?” rather than “How does the event make me feel?” And I’ve become aware that the answer to the first question about my emotions is entirely different than the ‘make me feel’ question. As a consequence, I’ve noticed that my emotions are more purely my own, and that I respond less emotional to events, since I don’t connect them anymore as cause and effect. Less drama, less trauma, less being upset.
to all: When I came to the LF blog I was in the midst of PTS from the ex/terrorist. We were married (together) for 3 months, while the divorce drama was finalized 8 years later. I still have nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks when his name comes up. HOWEVER…. since the no-contact, thanks to LF bogs, I am morphing back into the person I used to be when he targeted me. The cruel, humiliating smear massacres that were aimed to destroy my name, credibility and my business are now laughable because my self esteem is coming back. Some bridges need to be burned to the ground so that you’ll never be able to cross them again. Y’all hang in there it WILL get better.
One more thing. Mental illness/DNA was also exhibited by his grandparents, aunt, mother and his sister. You may have to deal with a whole pit of snakes. I survived, you can to. It is also true that when you let something go, you are open to receive something better.
somebodysdream: I am sorry about your experience.
Your experience sounds especially traumatic and controlling as mine was. I can read it in your post and in the choice of words you are using. I am so so sorry for your nightmare. You aren’t alone, though. There are more of us ‘survivors’ than you might think.
Oh yes, NC absolutely puts an end to it all.
No more drama, no more abuse. And, that’s just what it is.
I can completely relate to the ‘whole pit of snakes’ you mention. I survived too. I am happy you have as well.
When you let something go, yes, you become open to receive something much better. Absolutely.
Thanks for sharing and have a nice night.
A night full of peace and inner joy.
Dupey
Honest, Yes back from the edge is the one and the only Dupey ~!
spoon says:
“For Dopey who is a sweetheart: The exploding smurf.
Let the picture of the psycho or who ever you want out, form in your head. Now turn it blue or any bright color(s) will work. Now start shrinking the picture of the blue psycho until it is very small-tiny and if it talks make the voice squeaky where you can’t even hear or understand it. Now grin and push the button that makes the psycho smurf explode, very very violently, a massive explosion. The blue covers your whole field of vision. Open your eyes. Now try and see the picture of the psycho.”
hahahahahahaha
If you only knew how many times a day I do this!!!!
love to spoon from Dopey:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7emiua3X4p4
ahahahaha @....... you hens….
The one and the ONLY Dupey Dope-ster….
That’s my name…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul-faQQvUiU&feature=relmfu