Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Yeah, Ox. I know. I really would have been happy to have my old phone restored to service. I called the number that customer service gave me for the nearest dealer, two days ina row….they hung up on me. Okay. Time to move on, but….I guess I should have bought the 14.99 dollar phone with the 10 cent a minute plan….and I would have been happy with that, if I hadn’t let myself be seduced………
Kim, that stuff can be SO frustrating! I’ve gone through so much crap like that over the years. I just spent $1000 to get my 15 y.o. car fixed. And it’s one of the reasons why I don’t have a cell phone or even a TV. I just don’t want to hassle with all that stuff. The computer alone causes me enough grief and trauma, between having Outlook not working and getting a virus twice a year. Do you absolutely need a mobile phone? Do you have a landline? Have you considered getting a Cricket phone? I’m sure you have probably already considered these things but just throwing out ideas. Another idea is a magic jack, which hooks up to your computer. The service is free. I know the feeling of trying to be independent and self-sufficient and then being beaten down with car repairs, phone issues, etc. Survival issues alone can be very difficult, and yet it’s something you have to get in order before anything else in your life can work. Maybe you can just take a rest for a day or two and forget about it, and then the answers will come to you when you’re not so stressed.
I always tip my servers well, minimum of 20%, even if they seem inattentive or stressed. I remember having a waitress who dropped food, forgot half my order and just did a crappy job because she was overworked and stressed out. But she was as nice as could be. I gave her a GIANT tip, and she almost cried when she saw it. I have waited tables before, and it is a freakin hard job!
Hang in there. You’re doing a great job with your independence. This is just the day-to-day challenges of living.
Thanks, Star 🙂
Hi Kim,
sorry you’re having a tough time. It’s part of life, because spaths are everywhere: in our families, our customers, our workplaces, even where we shop.
Today I was looking for a part for a pump. I went everywhere looking for a simple 12 volt connector that nobody had. Something was off the whole day. Usually people – especially sales people – are very nice to me. Well everyone was a little nice today but I could sense a hidden hostility from all the men. Was it me noticing more? or was my own behavior creating the hostility because I wasn’t as pleasant as I usually am (feeling under the weather). I wasn’t mean, just not as sweet as I usually am. The salesmen seemed irritated to have to help me look for the part. I did nothing to soothe their irritation. I didn’t care.
Frankly, I’m beginning to see that a large part of the male population has disdain for the female population. They hide it and think that we don’t know. It’s part of most cultures, including the “liberated” western culture. IMO, it is the work of spaths planting seeds of misogyny (they are the cause of racism too).
When I left one store, I sat in my car checking my droid for the next electrical supply store. A man walked to my window and tapped on it. I looked at him, he asked me to roll my window down. I said, “speak, I can hear you.” He looked irritated, like he was going to walk away. Then he said, “I overheard you were looking for something, I wanted to help.” I gave him a “hard” look. Then I opened the door and got out. I popped the hatch and showed him what I needed. He didn’t seem to get anything I was saying at first. Finally, he did and there was an exchange regarding all the possible ways of connecting this 12-volt pump to a battery. None of which were helpful to me.
I believe this man was a spath. (I know Star, you think I’m too suspicious, but he mentioned that he could do it for me if we were at his shop…) My radar was on. I gave him a cold look, thanked him for his concern and got back in my car. (I’m lucky he wasn’t one of those guys that just throws acid in your face as soon as he sees you.)
THEN… I got home, rested and went for a walk. A guy in a GEO METRO (same car my spath drives) pulled over and asked if I wanted a ride. A few miles later, another guy in a truck stopped and asked if I wanted a ride. Both were predators. I know for a fact. (Kim, I know you don’t like it when I say I know for a fact something that I can’t prove, but my intuition is now finely honed. They were spaths) Some days are that way. I told my bf about it. He said, “if you wanted a ride, wouldn’t you have your thumb out?” I said, “YEAH, that’s what I told the green river murder. I said, ‘see this thumb? it means I need a ride, and that’s ALL it means!’ ” Then BF got all moody on me.
Sorry I went off on a rant – AGAIN!
As far as your phone goes, try page plus cellular. I have the 55 plan, it includes 2 gb of data, 250 minutes of talk and some text. you could cancel your internet and get internet with tether. It uses Verizons network so it’s the best coverage. 55 means that it is a prepaid $55 plan. There is a $12 plan with 250 minutes of calls/month. or you could buy the minutes alone. Check out their plans, it will be worth the effort. But you will have to find a CDMA phone. probably on craigslist. Any questions on this, you can email me.
Kim, I’m a bargain hunter extraordinaire. this is the best company as far as I’m concerned. There are slightly cheaper plans on GSM services (tmobile or virgin or aTT) but none have the coverage of verizon’s CDMA service.
Kim Frederick, I am so sorry that you’re having tough times.
Phone….PagePlus is okay and it’s what I’ve been using for a good while. I didn’t have the data plan, but it’s fair enough and FAR cheaper than the big names – although, it’s a subsidiary of Verizon, I think.
Skylar, I am in agreement with you about how men generally treat women in most environments, especially mechanical ones. I hate going to a car lot. I hate going to a parts store. I hate trying to get someone to speak to me without the “Whassa matter, l’il lady?” bullshirt. What was that movie about Shirley Muldowny? I LOVE to see a woman tell a man how to take a car apart and put it back together.
Brightest blessings
There is a cell phone plan for $12 a month? Wow, even I can afford that! Thanks for the info, Sky.
Kim, you are having a lot of temporary setbacks, but if you keep your focus on where you are going and what you want, these things won’t upset you quite so much. We all go through them; it’s just part of living in a modern society. Be glad you have the money, even though you have to work your butt off to get that money.
These days when my car or computer breaks unexpectedly, I go through this very fast mental process. I figure out how much it will cost and where the money will come from. I grieve the loss of the money, then I let it go. I tell myself how lucky I am to have that credit card or emergency fund. And suddenly, I’m happy again.
A cell phone is not an essential item for survival (I should know because I haven’t had one for 8 years). Neither is a vehicle. It’s nice to have some form of transportation, but buses can work sometimes. You just have to plan your trips to the store carefully, so your food lasts longer. Everything is workable, Kim. Some of the happiest times in my life were when I was living in third world countries with no transportation, no money, and having to hunt down meals day by day, working in bars and cleaning hotels for just enough to pay my room and board. I lived in SF for 6 years with no vehicle. I was in the best shape of my life!
Keep being grateful for what little you have, because this is how you will attract more into your life. It seems backward but it really does work. Sometimes when I’m at my brokest, I even give a little money to someone in worse need than me. It never fails how the money comes back to me tenfold. I can tell you countless stories about this happening to me. It even happened recently where I helped out a few people who were in worse need than me (probably total of $50). And just this week, a friend of mine from CA sent me a check for $300 out of the blue. I’m not saying you need to give when you don’t have anything to give. But KEEP THE FAITH that the money that goes out on one end will come back to you on the other. Don’t get into the habit of habitually worrying about money and poverty because what you focus on is what you get more of.
If you can keep a positive attitude, feel grateful for your job, and bring a little warmth to your harried customers, you may end up with bigger tips that day. Focus on the good rather than the negative, Kim. This is what I have found brings MORE good and more joy. You cannot control a lot of the things that happen in life. But you don’t have to let them ruin your day.
Stargazer, I would have loved to have lived near a bus line. When I lost my transporation, I was unable to walk to the closest bus stop and had to beg friends for rides to the doctor, to work, and to pick up groceries or prescriptions. Outside of that, I never left the room that I was renting.
Where I am, now, there is no bus or form of public transportation. And, I really don’t like the situation that I”m in, one iota. But, I have to sort it out and prepare for situations over which I have no control.
Attitude of gratitude is what I am desperately trying to generate for myself, and it’s not the easiest thing to do when one’s income is less than $700 a month. But, it’s temporary and I’ll be okay, in due time.
Brightst blessings.
Okay, so this has stimulated a whole line of thinking for me at 5 am. 🙂 I’m thinking about all the years I spent in poverty and constantly worrying about money, angry that I had to go through that. For all the worrying and stressing over it, and anger about why I was in that situation, I have always had my immediate needs taken care of. I’ve never gone without food or shelter (though I did live out of my car once for a few weeks). All that time I spent worrying I could have spent thinking about other things. Nothing would have changed except that I would have been happier. Stressing over money wasted so much of my energy. I am trying to change my own thinking on that.
Recently, my boss offered me a fourth day a week at the office job. The extra money would REALLY help out a lot. In the past, I would have jumped all over this, even if the extra work made me unhappy. I’d tell myself it’s what I HAVE to do, and then I’d feel trapped. This time I told myself I would not make the decision based on my poverty mentality. Instead I would do what FEELS good to me and what I want in my heart. I decided that I really don’t want to go there 4 days a week, that the thought of it was very stressful to me. If I did, I’d be unhappy like the rest of my co-workers who are there 40 hours a week. I like having more days off than at work. And I like having the 4 days off to do massages. So I turned it down, even though financially, it would have been a good and secure move.
Would you believe that within days of making this decision, a friend called me up and told me her chiropractor wants to hire me on weekends to do medical massage? The pay is a MINIMUM of $85 per hour take-home, and more likely about $160 per hour. This is WAY better than an extra day in the office. But if I’d picked up that extra day, I couldn’t have done the extra massage job. I think we really have to tell ourselves we DESERVE to be happy and to do things that make us feel good. We don’t have to “just” survive in any way we can. If we can relax about money and stop stressing over it, the money will come in as we need it.
I have really gone through a change in this past year of not worrying about money and not stressing over it. I’ve been spending all of my expendable income on zumba and salsa dancing and the clothes and parties, etc. to go with it. I’m having the time of my life, though I’m almost overdrawn. But I know the joy it is bringing me is going to magnetize better things into my life – more money, more friends, better work, and maybe even a great man if I’m lucky (I have my eye on one 🙂 ). I have a lot of faith in this new line of thinking, and it seems to be working.
Truthspeak, I just caught your post. Use your energy for creative brainstorming. And yes, as ironic as it seems, having gratitude for the $700 a month will attract more into your life. There are people out there who don’t even have that. Not that you should stuff down angry feelings about your situation. Feel them fully, express them if you need to, and then keep moving forward. When you’re down at the bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. I’ve been way broker than you, living on food stamps and living in my 20-y.o. car that someone gave me.
BTW, there are organizations out there who will give donated vehicles to residents of dv shelters or homeless shelters. If I were in your situation, I think I would take a day and get on the phone. I’d call every church, the United Way, and the Salvation Army to see if someone would donate a vehicle for getting to work. One of the doctors I work with just donated 363 pairs of gorgeous shoes, once owned by her deceased mother who had impeccable taste, to a halfway house for women transitioning out of prison. There are resources out there – you just need to get to them. I think people who are down and out DO need a little help. Sometimes that help is hard to find. And you need all of your energy to find it.
Oh yeah, there is another program called the “meal train.” You can get 30 people to each sign up to bring you over a meal for one day. So you can get 30 meals. You may be able to sign up for this program and then send it out to everyone you know. I recently signed up to bring a meal to a woman at work who suddenly found herself in a bad situation. I’d do it for you too if you lived closer.
Stargazer, thanks for the input and insight – I know that there are people out there who have been in FAR worse situations that I’m in and that’s what keeps me centered, most times.
As for the vehicle, I’ve managed to secure one and I’m grateful that I have it. I”m in a very, very rural location with a population in the entire county of 6000, so finding a job and getting there require transportation.
When I didn’t have transportation, I did call every agency and charity that I could find – I spent about 2 weeks doing this. Where I was, no vehicles were available and most agencies suggested food banks since I wasn’t eligible for public assistance.
So, I’m going to set up visits to the local food bank(s) twice a months and get whatever I can.
What I’ve discovered with regard to temporary assistance is that it is available to people who meet a specific criteria. Nobody wants to hear that a person’s spouse left them penniless, with a home in the process of foreclosure, no job, partially disabled, medicated, utilities 3 months in arrears, a vehicle repossessed, joint bank accounts drained, and left about $28 in a change jar when he left. They don’t. They aren’t interested, and I’m weary of having to repeat this to agency representatives and volunteers because none of it matters. I’m simply not eligible for services.
SO…..having said all of that, it’s a matter of me making things happen, and you put it out there that things happen and, when they do, we have to take counter-measures to sort things out. Things aren’t going to happen just because I want them to – they’re going to happen because I take action.
Brightest blessings!