Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Stargazer, maybe Hens will take up Salsa Dancing! LOLOLOL Or, go to Disneyland……
Star, I am going to double up on my pick-up payment and get it paid off.. Beleive me I still have bills, house and vehicle ins., electric, gas, phone, puter, propane, cable, beer……food, dog food,,,beer….
Hens, all this talk about bills and payments is giving me a headache. LOL You BETTER do SOMEthing fun with some of that money, too! I insist. 🙂
Speaking of having fun, I took the day off work to go to a pool party at a friend’s house. I have my salsa class afterward. Then I have 4 days off without even so much as a massage booked. There is a special Zumba party on Saturday night and the Salsa club on Sunday night. If I weren’t so ridiculously broke right now, life would seem like a party.
I have not heard from J but will see him in class tonight. I’d sent him an email Sunday night about the salsa band at the big fair on Monday. He has not written back. I don’t know if that is a sign of lack of interest. So once again, not sure whether to be cool in class tonight, or to extend my usual warm self toward him. Ugh. Men. I wish I could just get inside their minds.
Stargazer, like I mentioned before, this connection with J might just be a learning experience to test your boundaries.
At this point, I wouldn’t give a thought about whether or not he has interest – I’d just be having the time of my life! Definitely, be who you are, but I would suggest keeping an eye on your personal boundaries.
Brightest blessings
Truthy, I rewrote this because I wasn’t sure exactly what you mean when you say to have boundaries. What do you mean by a test of my boundaries? Do you mean I should pull away and play it safe? The one thing I’m more afraid of than making a fool out of myself is letting a great opportunity pass me by because of pride or fear. So I’m not sure how to apply your advice! I certainly know how to be coy and to just pull my energy back. I can even ignore this guy if I need to. I just don’t want to play any games.
Stargazer, I’m not giving any advice, just a peripheral observation. But, your words “…The one thing I’m more afraid of than making a fool out of myself is letting a great opportunity to pass…” kind of speaks for itself.
You are your own opportunity, Stargazer – recovering from your experiences and sorting it all out so that you are not fearful of letting something pass by, IMHO, provides you (me, and every other survivor) with strong boundaries so that we won’t have to “feel” any way at all.
I don’t know if what I’m typing is making any sense, or not. Perhaps, what I’m trying to convey is that this chemistry and connection could simply be a trial run for you. Learning to recognize something and keeping it in perspective so that the “Prince Charming Effect” doesn’t arise and this person “seems” like the best thing since popcorn.
There’s no need to be coy or ignore this fellow – just be you and whatever unfolds will unfold. Being something that you are not would be playing games, Stargazer – so, just be the ebullient you that you are! 😀
Brightest blessings!
No truthy, I must be a little obtuse tonight. I’m not getting it. 🙁 I keep hearing a lot of advice as “be afraid, stay away, don’t get too close, don’t take a risk”….I don’t know how else to understand it. I’m sorry. I don’t understand the thing about watching my boundaries. I consider myself as someone with fairly good boundaries.
Anyway, here is an update from the latest class this evening. This month began a new round of classes, and there were two going on instead of three in the same ballroom. This time J was in my class. He was very attentive as usual, gave me a huge warm hug and was very huggy with me throughout the night. As soon as the class ended and practice session began, he made a beeline directly for me to dance with me. However, there were also times when he also hugged and danced with with some of the other women too. He is a very warm big-hearted person and has kind of a big brotherly effect on the people in the class. But now that I think about it, we all hug each other.
Now for my part: I noticed right before I went into class, fear came over me – again, the fear of rejection together with fear of lack of competence. So with the other guys in the class I kept practicing the new spins, but I kept losing my balance. However, whenever I danced with J, we did the spins perfectly. In fact, he had already learned the spins before, and he’s been doing them with me at the club for a while now. But for some reason, I wasn’t getting it with the other guys. This affected my confidence level, and I just noticed a low level of anxiety all night. This was compounded by the fact that I’d look over and see J dancing with another woman during the rotation and looking like he was having fun and I’d get jealous. Ugh. It really doesn’t feel very good. It wasn’t debilitating, though, and I still managed to enjoy the class. It also doesn’t mean I just want to pull away from him (there must be a middle ground). Never mind that I get all smiley and giggly with some of the guys there, too. And there were more men than women. And some very good looking ones. It’s just hard to “share” J with these other women without a little jealousy. If I just knew where I stood with him this would go away. For all I know, he is jealous, too.
So here is the action I took to move this in the direction I want it to go: I did this SO smoothly and so casually, he never saw it coming. We were talking. And I just blurted out, “You know we live right down the street from each other. You should come over so we can practice! And then you can meet my snakes, too.” His face lit up and he was all over it like white on rice. He asked me if I have a dance floor at my place. I told him we could dance outside on the grass. He didn’t like that idea. He doesn’t have a dance floor in his place either. So it turns out we both belong to 24-hour fitness. They have a huge dance studio which is often open. We both agreed to do it, but now we are trying to work out the music. I told him he had my email address and to let me know when he wants to do it. That’s how we left it. And he mentioned again seeing me at the DNote on Sunday. He seems very invested in going to the DNote, and he knows he will always see me there.
At one point when we were practicing, the teacher came by and told him to give me more space to do the turn. So J told me afterward that when the club is really crowded, he’d have to hold me closer for the turn. I said in with my usual sarcasm: “Wow, that would really suck. It would be really horrible to be close to you”. Then I had to tell him I was totally kidding. 🙂 I don’t know if he knows my humor yet. I left early, turning down his last dance request because I was tired. I know he was dancing with this other woman when I left. I do believe I am the one he is most attracted to; the other woman is not that attractive, but she may really like him too. Anyway, I am feeling a lot of fear because the stakes seem very high here (my continuing with the class). If goes wrong, it could be awkward in class and at the club. But if I want something to happen with this guy, I feel I will have to make the initial effort, because he is probably in the same boat. This salsa stuff is confusing. I was even talking to another guy in my class about it – how you can have all this chemistry with someone on the dance floor, but you don’t date. It’s strange. I am going to take the lead a little but very slowly. And yes, it’s pretty scary. That’s what the therapy and hypnosis are for that I’ll be doing.
I have met and dated a lot of guys in the last 10 years. And I really feel that J is worth taking the risk for. There is just no way around risking if you want something. It sounds like you guys keep telling me I shouldn’t want it. But you know, I want what I want. And I want to date this guy. Sometimes you just have to go for it. But I’m doing it slowly in measured doses. As soon as I find out where he’s coming from, I know I’ll feel much better. And I’m VERY open to dating other men. I just am not finding any that I want to date right now. I have totally lost interest in the neighbor. I could probably date him in a heartbeat now that I finally broke the ice with him. But I don’t want it anymore. Funny how that worked out.
Wow, it’s 2:30 am and I just spent the last 3 hours hanging out on my patio drinking wine with the neighbor boy. We had a great heart to heart talk, and I told him all the things I never thought I’d ever tell him. And the end result is that we are becoming great platonic friends. I never thought this would ever happen. I honestly don’t even feel a lot of attraction for him. I am truly amazed at how this all ended up. He is actually a very sweet and good person, now that I’m getting to know him. But we are very different – I doubt I will ever totally understand him.
Stargazer, you’re not “obtuse,” by any means! I’m just not translating my thoughts as well as I should.
I’m going to try to convey this as simply as I can, and I am not intending to advise in any direction. I’m also not trying to come across as harsh or belittling.
For my entire life, I’ve engaged in self-deprecating humor. I’ve always made myself the butt of my own jokes. I finally realized why I did this. I also have come to realize how this severely affects how others perceive me and my self-worth, self-esteem, and every other “Self-ism” that I should be maintaining. Even though it’s humorous, reference to myself in a negative manner opens the door for others to say, “No, you’re not like that,” which translates as a false validation for me, as well as giving others the clear indication that I’m “not worthy” on some level. Now, having said that, this applies specifically to myself, and it’s something that I must work on to avoid giving any potential predator a hint of my vulnerabilities that are raw enough to still be exploited.
Where I was going with this connection with J is that it may simply be a trial run for you to learn how to manage fears, expectations, attempts at prediction, and all of the other reactions and behaviors that are a result of a damaged “inner child” and sociopathic entanglements.
For me, whether it’s over coffee or a glass of wine, only a tiny handful of people are familiar with the details of my situation and what I’ve experienced, and I’m deliberately keeping it that way. I don’t care how sweet or kind someone seems to be, I have to play my cards close to my vest because I have learned that even the most “mild-mannered” individual can be a sociopath – precisely what the exspath is. I give nothing of my personal Self away to anyone, anymore, nor under any circumstances.
To clarify this, the exspath presents a facade of being mild-mannered, patient, educated, honest, forthright, spiritually grounded, and a host of other virtues that he has fine-tuned. In reality, he is a shell of a human being. He is passive/aggressive, impulsive, un-teachable, deceptive, a liar, and picks and chooses spiritual direction, as needed, to fit in with whatever crowd he’s hanging with. EVEN TODAY, I try to reconcile the person that I “loved” with the facts of what he’s done, and I must be very cautious to avoid cognitive dissonance from rearing its ugly head.
I don’t remember how long it’s been since you’ve been out of your spath situation, Stargazer, so you may very well have your boundaries high and tight enough for anything that comes along. Only you know where you are on your healing path, and it may be that you’re far enough along that you’re ready for a meaningful relationship!
So, I think that you’ll take action in whatever manner that you need to. Trust yourself, Stargazer. And, keep in mind that fear is a long-time issue that we don’t tend to manage all at one time. I’m still experiencing fear and I’m fighting it on a tooth-and-nail basis. 😀 You’re going to be fine – absolutely fine.
Brightest blessings to you!