Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Hey Everyone (anyone?) — I’m not sure where to post this, but even after all this time, I feel “stumped” in dealing with my sociopathic ex. We have been divorced about 13 years. I remarried when the kids were school age and although that marriage ended a few years ago, we are good friends and my kids view him as their stepdad, and he is involved in their lives.
Their real dad is a sociopathic nutcase, and the kids don’t want anything to do with him. My youngest two are still at home with me and have 2 years of HS left. They do not spend any nights at their dad’s house.
Their dad wants to be involved in their lives. Oh, but that sounds so very sweet! But it is not. It is like stalking. He shows up at “normal” school events and corners them and interrogates them and makes scenes and they are embarrassed. This happens at least once a month.
The most recent time was at a parent potluck for a sports team one of the kids is on. He came separately from me. I left before he did. I heard afterwards that he discovered the stepdad’s name on the email info list, and went ballistic at the hosts (parents whom we barely know and just met) and insisted that the stepdad’s name be removed.
I know my ex, and I know he had bulging veins in his neck, a red face, he was having a RAGE ATTACK at the hosts, and probably horrified (and maybe scared) the people who witnessed it.
And I also know that he would not “catch” himself and apologize for “losing it.” He probably went home feeling justified and satisfied with the way he handled it.
The people who told me were aghast and shocked and said they stuck up for the stepdad “who is the most stable male influence in the kids’ lives right now.” (obviously)
But it appears that the ex-husband got his way. I just got an email on the list, and the stepdad’s name has been removed!
I am not sure how to handle at this point. I am weary of this, it has been going on SO many years. I know what DOESN’T work, but after all this time, I have yet to find out what DOES work.
I mean, “gray rock” works to keep him from bothering ME. But this is public (yes, it is validating – not behind closed doors!) and I know it is a waste of time to say ANYTHING to my ex-spath. Anything at all. I know this for a number of reasons… if I say something, he will know that I am bothered and it is a “win” for him and will change nothing (and I will have broken “gray rock”). If I approach the host-parents who removed stepdad from the list… I hardly know them and I hardly know what to say.
I could just forward the emails to stepdad, but that seems SO UNFAIR to him, and I want him to be a full participant in the group.
It is an ugly situation. I know that in a normal case, the “real dad” would not enjoy being displaced by a stepdad. But stepdad is not trying to displace him. It’s just that spath-dad is so spathy that he has alienated himself from the kids.
Maybe there’s nothing FOR me to do but rant here, a little. Sigh.
Dear 20 years,
I would suggest that you have a talk with the kids about this, they are obviously old enough that they can speak to the school event folks themselves and request that their dad’s name be left off the lists. Maybe talk to the school guidance counselor and see what they can do in this event.
To have a father show up at this kind of event and go into a RAGE is obviously something the school groups want to avoid, and if necessary they might get a restraining order on him.
I thinhk I would get the kids together and have a pow wow and take it from there via the school folks.
Be sure that you assure3 your kids that THEY are not the ones who should be embarrassed, that he should be for actiing like that but he isn’t embarrassed, just in a mean power and control rage.
Good luckk and glad to see you back. Take a deep breath and remember the kids will be age 18 soon and they can tell him to take a flying fark then!
Or another tactic might be too take him back to court to get his visits to them or even being around them suspended, in other words get his parental rights stopped and a stalking order out on himj. I think I’d try the school first though and the last as a last option. Let us know how it turns out. God bless.
Hi Truthy,
I now understand what you were saying, and thanks for clarifying. Yes, I need to clear the issues causing me fear and worry. But that doesn’t mean I need to run away from relationships. I am truly in the market for a meaningful relationship. But all of my relationships are meaningful. I’m even amazed that I am becoming good friends with the neighbor boy that I had a crush on for 2 years, and it is a genuine authentic friendship. Everyone here thought he was a spath. Nothing could be farther from the truth, though he is not relationship material for me (or anyone for that matter).
My situation is a little different from others here. I only dated the spath for 2-1/2 months. It took a year to recover. That was in 2008. I have long since moved on. I honestly do not think about or worry about spaths, and I don’t seem to be attracting these types into my life. The quality of men I’m attracting is of a much higher caliber. And this is what has triggered my own self-worth issues. Regarding what I share with others, I’m a very private person anyway, which is why I don’t do Facebook. I rarely ever discuss my past with anyone unless there is some context for it in the present moment. Honestly, I knew I wanted a “higher” type of relationship. I have dreamt about it often over the years. But I never knew where or how I would find someone like that. When I met J, I knew he was this type of person. And yes, I DO want a meaningful relationship with someone like this, and maybe even with him. I want to do more than just manage my fears and anxieties. I want to clear the issues that would cause me to send a man like this running. (A year ago, I would have never even been attracted to a man like him). Yes, there is fear and anxiety, but there is also a genuine warm multi-faceted connection we have. I feel it’s mutual. It’s not just in my mind – it feels really good, and yes, it’s something I would like to pursue.
My neighbor has counseled me to take the lead and make the first move because he says men are afraid and stupid. LOL At least he’s speaking for himself. In our heart-to-heart last night, I told him I wondered if he was gay (neighbor boy) because even though we had slept together he never flirts with me. Then he told me it’s because he didn’t want to come on too strong. He’s a very sexual person and he didn’t want to scare me with it so he tried to be a gentleman. It was great to get inside his head and understand where he’s coming from. It helps me to understand men a little more. Even though we drank wine last night (I was even in my bathrobe – long story), there was no doubt that we were and will always be just platonic friends. I don’t need to go down that road again. And he is not in a place for having a committed relationship. He is dealing with health issues and trying to break his pot addiction. He knows he’s not ready or capable of it. And now I finally know this too about him. It has freed me to just love him as a friend. It feels so good, like having a brother. He tells me all about his fears and attractions with women, and I’m no longer jealous. What a relief to have moved on from this particular pain. I feel a little nostalgic for the crush I had on him and part of me wants to bring it back. But I’ve moved on to something much better. 🙂
Truthy, I want good things for myself and a really good man. I have gone from just wanting to survive and keep myself safe and protect myself to reaching out for the things in my life I want. I do not want to live in fear.
Dear Stargazer and Truthy,
This conversation about the meaning of boundries is good.
I have been experiencing some old co-dis and trauma bonded fall-out concerning the inevitable decline of my marriage to a narcissist, some 17 years ago.
Part of that questioning comes from the fact that I, too, have boundry issues, and struggle with both enmeshment, and fears of intimacy.
My husband began creating emotional distance in the relationship, shortly before we were married, ie, just as it was clear that the marriage was imminant. He was expressing doubt and ambivalence. Not verbally, mind you, but I picked up on it. I attributed this to the normal phenomenon of getting cold feet, and believed that it would pass. It didn’t. I tried to stay involved and attached in the face of this for a long time…two plus years, but I lived in a very small world…had no car, no money, was a stay at home mom with three small children, and was expected to be the perfect wife, ie, house-keeper…I’m not.
This role of house-keeper felt as if it was all I was to him…I was critisized constantly. He worked very long hours for his accolaids…won many awards and was a success in his carreer.
Eventually, I realized that I was dying a slow death, so, I got into therapy, enrolled in college, and withdrew my energy from him and the marriage.
Two and a half years later, I find out about the affair with the girl.
Intellectually I know that this relationship was doomed. I was only secondry supply, girl was supply.
He was abusive and violent even before I married him.
Why do I still struggle with this self-blame?
Anyway, I was prompted by the conversation to google emotional boundries, and found some great articles.
The one that resonated most with me was this one:
http://joy2meu.com/internal_boundaries.html
I hope someone can relate.
Thanks, Oxy. I feel like I’m spending “way too much time thinking about this” today, and that makes me go, “grrr” because I’d rather just live my life in peace and not give any of my precious and scarce attention to this nutcase.
That is a good idea for me to step back and out (as I have been doing, pretty much) and suggest ways for the kids to handle it.
I am honestly leery of having them go to the school for help because of the CPS thing — the last thing I want to do is get back on their radar (even if it is directed at HIM this time, I still have that “unsubstantiated neglect” finding on my record, and as cappucinoqueen and others have been pointing out so eloquently on other threads…. we can hardly trust the courts, police, CPS to be wise and not sociopathic themselves!).
And he has lots of money. I would lose everything and he would be so gleeful about that. Not worth it.
So yeah, I probably will NOT take him to court. It is… NOT satisfying to me to just “let it go.” But it might in the end be the best course. Blow off steam privately and just wait this thing out. The twins will be 18 in 1.5 years. That’s not such a long time.
I don’t think he will be violent/dangerous to people outside the family. He yells real loud and yes, it really is a RAGE ATTACK but I’ve only known him to be violent towards family members (yes, I KNOW how that sounds, hehe). Yes, I realize that could change. He is capable.
But I think he stops short of physical violence. He takes his rage out by yelling and by throwing and breaking THINGS, usually. He doesn’t want to be arrested — I know that.
So I think he’s just going to be a very unpleasant person to be around, and he is going to make himself be around the girls as much as he can. Because first one, and now the other, are refusing to spend ANY time with him (even though we have shared custody). One of the two daughters is already pretty good doing a “gray rock.” The other one (the sports one) is still learning.
Just having people here listen, who know what I’m going through, helps TONS. Thanks.
Guys, I wanted to add that I think I failed to set a boundry around our relationship. I turned a blind eye. There were many, many red-flags, but I chose to ignore them and let him wiggle his way out of all of them.
I actually think he blames me for not stopping him.
What do you think?
Is it ok to establish a boundry around someone elses behavior?
And what about the relationship? Yes, that was his job, wasn’t it?
I was in therapy for co-dependancy at the time. LOL.
I think my issues are more around fears of rejection and fears of incompetency at this point in my life. My last counselor felt I was an avoidant personality. (If he could see me now, he’d be very proud though). I don’t feel I have too many issues setting boundaries at this point. In fact, many people regard me as quite selfish because I have no problem saying no. It has not always been this way. I used to let people walk all over me. I generally guard my time and energy fairly well these days. But as I bring in more positive things into my life and taking more risks, it seems to bring a wave of these fears and insecurities. This is the area I need to work. Fear is scary and it makes me want to run away. But I can’t just run away from my life, you know? I guess you could say I have the opposite problem – too many boundaries. I have walled myself off from life for so many years that reaching out for what I want is kind of scary. Exciting but scary. I have never felt more alive, I have to say, or felt like I had more to look forward to when I get up in the morning. I am no longer depressed. I’m just your basic run of the mill neurotic now. lol
Kim Frederick,
I see what you are struggling with, and I struggled with very similar things. By that I mean, him shifting blame to me, that I obviously “chose” the relationship so I’m responsible for all that it turned out to be (etc.).
I found only a very tiny little bit of help from reading about “co-dependency.” That was a useful intermediate way for me to shift my perspective. However, I think it is too blaming of an approach. It didn’t help with the self-blame. Not one bit. And yeah, I approached it carefully, wholeheartedly, critically, etc. Helpful for a while, slightly. But ultimately not. (speaking for myself)
The concept of boundaries, yes HELPFUL but didn’t seem to go far enough to address what I was going through.
I will tell you what finally helped with a breakthrough, and it is a combination of things and a very strong desire to have a breakthrough and heal. I was very motivated to move through this and get to a much better place. I am still very motivated and still working on and through it.
What helped:
1. Reading about Bowen Theory of self differentiation and actively applying it. Over a period of about 8 months I made tons of progress. It wasn’t overnight, but it was steady and very fruitful. I read Bowen’s original writings.
2. Finally looking the beast in the eye (this beast of self-blame, shame, condemnation) and realizing that there is NOTHING BEHIND IT. It is just a fear perspective. You have to really zero in on it and don’t look away. Realize what you ARE, and what you are may sound trite because you’ve heard it before. But you are a perfect “child of God” or whatever your view is. In other words, if you did not KNOW, then you are not to BLAME. You are INNOCENT. (or, another way of putting it: there is nothing TO forgive).
So…. did you knowingly turn a blind eye? Or did you really not know? How can you “fail to set a boundary” if you did not know at the time? Finding out NOW, after much heartwrenching EXPERIENCE, is not the same as putting blame on yourself or allowing anyone else to. What you are doing now, instead, is TAKING RESPONSIBILITY which is quite another thing. You are seeing it through a different perspective. You really did the very best you could, at the time.
And of course he will blame you! Those are the traits, baby! LOL
Yes, I think it is OK to establish a boundary around someone else’s behavior, as it affects you. Not try to control THEIR boundaries, but what you will do in response to their behavior. What you will and won’t accept. And what’s your job, and what’s his job.
Any affair he engages in is his choice, but affairs happen when there is a failure of commitment. By either party. It never works if one person is committed and the other one is not. One person does not make or hold together a commitment.
I do think that in a relationship between two NORMAL people, the non-cheating spouse CAN examine his or her own behaviors to see if there is anything they have done to create distance in the relationship. But that doesn’t mean they are to blame for the affair.
It does mean that they are responsible for their own behaviors in the relationship towards the spouse, to act with integrity and honesty, whether that means to try to repair, or to bring to an end, the relationship.
In other words, if you are unhappy and you are pretending to be happy or deliberately ignoring…. then you are not acting with integrity.
I want to add a last bit: if you are in an abusive relationship, sometimes self-protective behaviors appear to be co-dependent or unhealthy or whatever, but they are just you trying your very best to survive and/or make things better. THERE IS NO BLAME. For example, “putting on a smile” when you feel like crying might be your way of being safe around a monster who feeds off your negative emotions. sometimes you DO have to hold in those tears or put on a poker face or a smile face while you are in walking-on-eggshell mode. Sometimes you have to pretend so that you do not scare the children. Sometimes you pretend because TRULY, if you showed how SCARED or SAD or CONFUSED you are, if your abuser is one of the ones who reacts with a smirk or glee, then baby, you are dealing with a predator who Does. Not. Care.
I think it is instinctive to protect yourself by any means necessary. Guarding your emotions, your inner self, keeping some wall around your core, to protect your pearls from that SWINE, is what you gotta do. Till you can get out safely.
I spent too many hours crying (silently) in the back of my closet, when I was in that relationship, so as not to upset the children or tip off my empathy-less husband. These were the days when I did not know that it couldn’t get better. I didn’t know that he was a sociopath. I didn’t know there was a way out. I thought I’d made my bed and I had to lie in it.
Well, that was a long time ago. 🙂
Kim, your question about “is it okay to set a boundary around someone else’s behavior?” OF COURSE IT IS, that is what boundaries are all about.
Let me give you a small example first. Say you have a teenager at home and they leave their dirty clothes all over the living room, bathroom, etc. and you tell them (setting a boundary) I will not wash any of your clothing that you leave around the house, if it is not in the laundry hamper, it will not get washed.”
That is setting a boundary about their habit of throwing their clothing around the house. YOU must stand behind that boundary and leave their clothes wherever they leave them, and then when they run out of clothes and JUST HAVE TO HAVE A CERTAIN PAIR OF JEANS FOR SCHOOL and they are lying on the living room floor, you say “Oh, to bad, so sorry”
When I first came back to thhe farm after going into hiding I was really spazzed out and I parked the RV beside the aircraft hangar and was not emotionally ready to leave my “womb”–where I had been safe and move back into the house where I had felt unsafe. It took me about 6 months to move back into the house.
I had allowed some “friends” who lived in their RV to move on to our place and they parked over by the barn just south of the house. Since they had not done repairs on their RV for their bathroom, they would come in the house and use the main bathroom. They left it FILTHY. I asked her to clean it and she smiled and said “Oh, you know what a slob I am.” Smile
I let her walk on my boundary.
Then she brought in a big trashh sack of dirty dishes and piled them in the sink for a month. IN the meantime I was trying to clean the house so I could move back in.
I would sweep and the next day there was mud and grass tracked inside. I asked her to clean up behind herself, same song second verse.
Finally one night my dog allerted me that there was something outside in the middle of the night….I turned on the porch light of my RV and looked out and here she was, coming from my freezer with a big arm load of meat she had taken from it.
Meat, actually that I would have GIVEN her if she had asked for it, but she preferred to STEAL it. She acted embarrassed. I WAS embarrassed THAT I HAD EMBARRASSED HER. I cried for 3 days because I might have hurt her feelings.
Plus, they let their pit bull dogs run loose so I had to be careful that they didn’t grab and kill my little terrier. After the 2nd or 3rd morning of opening up the RV door to let him out to pee and finding one of the Pits there slobbering and darling him to come out, and after multiple times telling them to keep their dogs on chains ALL THE TIME, I went to him and told him I was going to shoot his dog the next time I saw him loose. All I got was “don’t you threaten my dog”
A day or two later I finally got my back bone up and I marched over to their RV and went in like I usually did for a cup of coffee, and sat down and said, “I hate to say this, but it is just NOT working out here, I think you need to move somewhere else.”
They didn’t ask why, only how long did they have. I gave them two weeks. AFter they left, I took the huge amount of stuff they had “stored” here and took it to a building I owned just off the edge of my farm where they could get their stuff without coming on to the farm itself, and they had a key to it. I toldl them they could keep their stuff there 6 months but at that time I wanted it OUT. Well 9 months went by and part of the roof blew off and rain was coming down on their stuff so I told them, another 6 months goes by and I tell them that I intend to burn the buildin down and if their stuff is in it they will lose it.
More time goes by so son D and I go down there and go through the stuff, finding, BTW a bunch of our stuff that they have stolen, including my son D’s pictures from HS and all manner of small things that you just woujldn’t beleive.
We took a few things out of there that were ours and a few more things that we wanted. (It was legal to do so since I had notified them multiple times)
The rest of the stuff was ruined by black mold and the building is a hazard to go into without a respirator now and WILL have to be burned when we can get enough burn ban lifted to get the fire department to do it.
These people have used and abused others since we tossed them off and now are split up. Once these people had a mask that allowed them to be well respected with the Boy Scouts and with a large group o f friends. Now they are nothing but parasites on anyone they can spin a yarn on. He has become a political activist and lived in the “Occupy Conway” tent city, now lives off his 79 yr old frail mother and his retarded brother’s government checks.
I’ve known these people since 1995 I guess, and threw them off here in 2007 when I got back home to the farm. They are both smart, and capable of making a living working but neither one wants a job. She has a P father that I know of and a mother high in P traits, and is also bi-polar (untreated) and he has a father than I think was high in P traits and a controlling mother back when she was younger. Not sure if he is also bi-polar or not, but he is “something.”
The good thing about them is that they pushed me into a corner enough that I HAD TO LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES or let them take over my whole farm like it was theirs. The sense of ENTITLEMENT they showed about the farm after my husband’s death is unbelievable Even though my husband’s will was very precise about who got what of his personal property, they decided that my husband wanted them to have all his aircraft tools and several other things that were high in $ value.
I think the only way I would EVER have learned to really set and ENFORCE boundaries was this couple pushed me into a corner by stepping over every boundary I set from asking them to clean the bathroom that THEY ONLY used to asking them to keep their dangerous dogs under control to the continued thieving.
My son D had idolized this man and his wife siince he was 10 in Boy Scouts, and the guy worked for my husband and my husband loved him like a son, and her like a daughter….but even before his death I was seeing problems with them….but because my husband loved them and because D loved them I thought I’d give them another chance when I let them come out here when I moved back. But they pushed me into a corner where I HAD to do something.
I’m grateful to them for that though, because I have since then learned to enforce boundaries with others in my life.
My rule is, I expect you to treat me the way I treat you. Period. If someone doesn’t do that, then I don’t need them in my life.
Of course if you work with someone who violates that rule you can’t always do Much or anything about it. But in your personal life YOU have total control.
The sticky wicket though is when someone you love is connected to someone high in P traits.
Son D and I have a friend we dearly love who is married to a histrionic personality disorder. That’s medical speak for DRAMA QUEEN and we have to tolerate her for his sake. I have learned to let what she says and does go in one ear and other the other and to limit my contact with her. In other words, no matter what she does it goes in one of my ears and out the other and doesn’t irrirtate me in between because that is what I expect of her.
If she says she is coming to visit you Tuesday you can bet it will be Wednesday or Thursday before she shows up. She may call with an “upset stomach” or some other lame excuse though. Or she may not even call. She thinks she knows everything about everything as well, but again, I listen to her advice and let it go in one ear and out the other. saying “un huh” in appropriate places.
Once when she came to my house when there were others here that she didn’t know and she started in bad mouthing her husband in front of these people (her husband was outside with the guys) I told her to STOP that I didn’t want to hear it, that I wanted pleasant conversation…she protested that she needed to “vent” and I said “well this is not the time to vent in my house, if you must vent, go outside and walk in the woods and vent all you want, then come back inside and be pleasant.” She shut up.
I hated to have to call her down in front of guests that she didn’t know but there was no other way to stop her running her mouth inappropriately.
Kim, I have chosen in the past to keep my mouth shut when people abused me, to “keep the peace” in the family because that was what my family was all about. It wasn’t the person who did something “bad” that got the criticism, but the one who complained about it. WE were trained that way from birth. “peace at any price”
Well, I ain’t paying that price any more, it is too high.