Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
More about the addiction and the psychology of trauma bonds:
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/
I so identify with you,, it was crazy. Something else crazy happened the other day, some dude drives up get’s out and knocks on my door. I open it he looks bewildered, stutters and says ‘oh I must have the wrong house.’…i say who you lookin for? he just leaves as quick as he can…hmm it’s been almost five year’s..am I crazy to think what I am thinkin?
Hmmm, boundaries…
Boundaries imo is not just about not allowing others to mistreat you, but also somthing very internal and private within.
I’ll use the new home as an example. While it’s important not to let a contractor bulldozer me with ideas and plans and then not showing up and making excuses, it’s even more important to think for myself: what do I really want, irregardless of what other people want. We nearly bought another apartment. It was a good one, but a compromize on its character and location, while all financial resources would be spent on buying it, and there would be nothing else left anymore; when the owners then started to fuss about getting their electricity in order to current standards and them having to spend it, instead of the buyers… well the deal fell through. Yes, it was one of the best apartments we had seen by then (after several months of looking around). It was an opportunity. But the fact that it was an opportunity didn’t warrant for us to compromize ourselves.
A month later we visited this apartment and it was a smash hit the moment I steped through the door. It had all the personality and character I was looking for. And it was cheaper, at a superb location, right smack in the center of the city; and little needed to be done construction wise. The financial space it created because it was cheaper we used in renovating the bathroom to perfection. New tiles, new plumbing, new bath and an extra shower (rain shower) in a glass cabin. Meanwhile the hallway storage will get a new facade.
And the decorating and renovation works was a voyage of asking myself: how do I want it? And I cared less if someone else didn’t fully agree at the time esthetically wise. And I could do this because I felt confident in my designer skills, so didn’t found I needed anyone else’s advice on it; and I had made a fully planned design beforehand. My friends are amazed at the pics of my interior design I made with the puter beforehand, compared with the pics of the finished result. They’re saying: you actually were able to create the result you wanted and it looks smashing.
Well, it’s the same for me with relationships and men. I can’t be bothered anymore with ‘understanding the male brain’ anymore. It’s not important. What is important is that I ask myself whether this is what I want and/or need at this moment. So, in April I received the love declaration. Emotionally it was what I wanted to hear for 11 years. There was my big opportunity and there’s nothing wrong imo with the man. I never wondered though or doubted how I should respond to it. I welcomed it, but knew and felt that a) it was too soon for him to rush to my side of the world b) I needed to do some healing on my own c) I needed to put my energy in the apartment, my studies and rebuilding my own life. And the falling in love steps were taken by myself on my own time without any pressure. This week that process came to its conclusion for me. I received news, and it simply verified for me I had acted as I should have. He rejoined the woman who had rejected him last year (and he ended up being so broken over the past winter) for the summer and they found positive closure together. It is over now between them (both of them seeing they needed to do other things in their lives), but ended with positive feelings. He will start to rebuild his life in Mexico. One could argue I should have reacted instantly on his love declaration in April with nothing but enthusiasm and then he would have found the courage to jump on a plane and be with me. Euhm, yeah right! NOT.
Yes, my desires and butterflies had been growing again (the sacral chakra), and my heart chakra has always had nothing but love for him. But it was my 3rd eye chakra that governed my choices. He would have needed to make his peace and love and closure with her irregardless of me anyway. I don’t doubt the sincerity of his feelings in April to me, but I knew then as well as now it fit in a time where he wanted to escape depression and a broken life. While he hoped to ecape to someone and something postive, it didn’t make it any less of an escape. And nothing could ever succeed if the prime motivation is escape.
Was I hurt by his revelation of his past summer? Nope. I can see, hear and read it did him a lot of good. He’s much more grounded now, and making wise – though difficult – decisions on a more aware spiritual path. And as one human who loves him as a human in her heart and mind that is what I have always wished for him. So, my giving self is completely satisfied with the outcome. So what about the desiring self. Well, it has become stark clear to me that now I don’t want him for a lover anymore not in my mind, not in my physical life, because I know he can’t be. I only want him to be a friend to me. Nor will he get any permission from me anymore to turn it into a platonic romance anymore. While I am in my heart alway a friend to him, I am confident that I can tell him that without reserve. And in a way, perhaps for the first
in 11 years I am finally free of him.
Stargazer, there are no opportunities to miss in my book. Those that didn’t work were never actual opportunities to begin with. So, there’s no need to pressure yourself on not missing out. And I think that’s what Thruthpeak means when she mentioned boundaries: to not allow yourself to put yourself under pressure.
Oh Hens, do you think that might be one of the people he cheated you with?
Darwinsmom, thank you for interpreting!!!!!! Seriously!!! I haven’t had (and, will NOT have) any experiences in my life that involve a romantic involvement since the exspath, so I wasn’t really able to convey what I wanted to Stargazer with regard to boundaries.
HENS……yeeeeeeeeach, that’s kinda spooky. It very well could have been a random mistake. I know that I’m in a state of hypervigilance, right now, and anyone that comes into my drive is suspect. I expect for that to simmer down, in time. My point is that I hope you treat the event as random and not allow hypervigilance to creep into your psyche.
Brightest blessings
Kim Frederick, what a great idea!!! I’ve heard about this technique, before, but I couldn’t stand wearing a rubber band around my wrist. Perhaps, I can use something else. Or, perhaps, I just need to manage the tactile issue
GREAT idea….seriously!
Brightest blessings
Thanks thruthy… its hard to put into words, yes. But for me, boundaries start with ourselves, not solely as a response to others.
And if I tell you the background of the people involved you’ll see how muh it never was a real opportunity: the woman who broke his heart last year did that because she rejoined her ex and tried to make a go for it, which failed. So basically recent events involve a chaing of 4 exes, where exes hoped to rejoin with an ex who was pining for another ex… I was the sole one who was healed far enough and able to keep her head on her shoulders about it. I can see that recent events have put him on the positive disintegration path from which there is no return (he’s beyond the point to fall back to level 1 and he’s now filled with the concept of serving life itself, which is what he’s to do in Mexico), but I also see now how much ahead I am on that path in comparison to him. We can understand and support each other, but our paths cannot truly rejoin anymore. And neither he or I could do something about it.
Darwinsmom, what a convoluted situation that was – exes pining for ex-exes….er…..yeah.
In your imagination, how do you think things would be, today, if you had jumped on the love declaration in April? It’s not a rhetorical question – I’m quite serious. The reason that I ask is that I believe you chose the best option for yourself, on every level. I imagine that choosing the option to let go and move on must have been difficult.
My personal belief is that I have to be willing to let go of things and feelings that seem important and/or irreplacable if I’m going to be able to call a spade what it is. If I can’t “let go” of something as intangible as an idea, I’ll never be able to feel secure in letting go of people and things that may not be in my best interests.
Brightest blessings
I’m very glad and relieved that I kept myself far out of that situation at this part of the world and concentrated on my own life!
If I had jumped on that love declaration with planmaking and full belief we’d finally live our lives together, I’d have felt betrayed and horrified now and at a loss. Now I was open to the possibilities, but recognizing that timing was not good neither for him nor for me and that future would reveal what would be best. Don’t take it as betrayal either, nor even personal. It makes complete sense to me he sought closure with her. I can see how it was something he needed to do. And it makes complete sense to me too he needs to now concentrate on himself and carving out a serving life for himself independently from any love interest.
Anyway, it has all little or nothing to do with me, except for the fact that he’s a man I care deeply for. These were his life lessons to learn, barely mine. Though at the same time that love declaration was a nice gift for me for my last stretch of healing from the spath as well as my past with this man.
I don’t just accept that our paths cannot cross in a romantic way anymore, I don’t even want it to cross in that manner anymore. It was not difficult to let the option open for it not working out at the time in April, and it was very easy to let it go completely this week. I answered him the next day, telling him how grounded he sounded and that I was sorry it didn’t work out for the two of them, but happy he found some closure and healing about it with her.
Here’s the funny irony of things: when I got the love declaration in April I felt “Woh, wait, but I’m not ready to commit to anyone right now, and I don’t think you are in a position to do so either.” A little over a month ago I started to be more open to the option of a relationship, but just one with him. And now I feel ready to be in love, and meet and date men in general, excluding him, not out of self-protection or as punishment for hurt feelings… I’m neither hurt or in danger. I am just convinced it’s the right thing.
Darwins, Truthy,
Yes thats what I am thinking, had just a moment of hypervigilance but got over it quick. I was gone at work so much back when he lived with me, I am sure he had plenty of (door bell tricks)..the first few months after I kicked him out there was alot of vehicles that would pull in the drive and then turn around and leave. I mean I could tell this guy was (queer) to say the least, but who knows, it could of very well been somebody lost.