Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Ox Drover,
I get it….“I feel so much better since I gave up hope”
And that is usually when things start to turn around and open new doors for us. At least it seems that way to me in looking back at my life. And when we give up hope, we give up fighting for it, complaining about it, wasting time on it and we become free. The kind of hope I think we are talking about and we give up on is not a Spiritual thing but a needy, greedy,empty thing. It is the letting go of what the ego or brain thinks it wants and it makes room for living, loving and BEING in the now in our true self.
@darwinsmom,
It’s interesting that you point this out. I have been thinking something similar after reading up on a lot of this. Seems to me that at some point any person can turn into a spath. Only saying this based on my recent experience, I am new to this site as well. My spath was married for 12 years before he and I met (after the divorce there was a relationship with someone else before me). Three years later, we have a child, and are through the court system for custody…we were a month away from getting married when he punch a hole in the wall, and told me I needed to take my dog and myself and our child far away so he couldnt hurt us, via text (I stayed at a friends that night because I was too scared to go home…long story). I now believe I have PTSD and mild depression due to all this…and this past week have begun to “miss” that “feeling” I got with him. After reading more from this, and other websites, my exhusband has a few traits of a spath as well, but more just a pathological liar. Same goes for every ex I have ever had. I need some serious healing, but have no clue where to start, not sure where this all started. …I HATE that I “miss” the most recent spath (mostly narcissist spath), and all I can think about are the good times we had and could possibly have…oh wait, that would be if he werent already on the verge of getting married (June/July was the last we were friendly toward one another, and he met her in about August/Sept).
After going through everything with my ex-husband and most recent ex (with child), I can see how someone could turn into a spath. You want revenge, you dont trust anyone, you’ve been hurt deeply, your life has been destroyed…and he walks away without a scratch.
coma_white,
No, we do not turn into psychopaths. They are born that way. We can have PTSD from the relationship and even show traits of Borderline Personality Disorder from the abuse. We may even act crazy from the mind bending they do on us and everyone around us. But there is no way we can turn into the evil that they are.
The secret is that we feel and they never will be able to. They may seem happy but they are not happy unless they are destroying someone else. They are pathetic empty mimes, not real people. We are real and we can heal.
Remembering that what you thought he was was never real is the only way to fee yourself. It was all an act to him to feed his emptiness. The best revenge for a psychopath is to leave them forever and have a good life without them. And if possible get him to surrender any parental rights.
Grey Rock is the way to go if you can. If he knows you do not want him in your life or your child’s life he will use it against you.
Whatever you want he will try to sabotage so use reverse psychology. And get as far away as you can if possible.
These guys are forever if you do not get away clean. I know mine came back after 35 years and alienated my daughter against me and she took away my grandchildren; the daughter I raised without him…in spite of him…protected from him.
Do not believe for one minute that he is not dangerous or even lethal. They all are.
yep, they are all lethal, Betsy. That’s a fact.
coma_white,
I’m sorry that you are going through this.
One doesn’t turn into a psychopath though as betsybugs pointed out. It just means that the mask came off, and was well in place before that.
Now as for the ex I was talking about in the above post for whom I have so much love… he’s not a spath. He struggled with deep commitment fear for years, and did hurt others because of it. But he definitely has a conscious and is conscientuous and he doesn’t lie about anything, nor plays games or toys with other people, and he dislikes drama. I know this man for 12 years now. He’s just not available for many reasons, which in the past was emotionally unavailable. He has had a breakthrough with the reactive depression, but it doesn’t make him more available: he’s building a life in the right place for him, in the right field with the right people. He finally commits and starts to live to fulfill his potential. But it’s still at the other side of the world, and while I actually contemplated for years of living there myself (before he ever did), I know it’s not my place to live my life. I live where I need to live. It’s a benign situation, where taking it solely personal would be wrong. He wasn’t wronging me.
The ex-psychopath is much more recent, and I don’t feel anything for him at all anymore. I hardly ever think of him anymore, except in exemplary mode for spath behaviour. He definitely wronged me: he put me through emotional hell on purpose, he cheated on me, he lied from the first time he opened his mouth until the last time I heard him, he manipulated me for his own greed, he had people assault-rob me and robbed me of a lot on every level at the time from the get go. He’s a mean, heartless, totally selfish and dangerous man (to my morals, to my emotional health, to my financial security, as well as my physical life). If I’d given him a chance to destroy me, and that includes murder – a robbery by his minions with a knife going wrong – he would take it. I just never realized he was a mean, heartless, totally selfish and dangerous man until it was all over.
But coma-white: it’s totally normal to want to seek justice, closure and revenge when neither of these two is a possibility. There’s a healthy component in this: it reveals you’re allowing yourself to be angry over what happened… it’s the start of the realization, that you are not at fault for what he did to you and that you deserve better.
It’s also totally normal not to want to trust anyone. You have trusted too soon and for the wrong reasons (because you were in love) before, so in logical response you don’t trust anyone before they’ve proven they are to be trusted, and for as long as you don’t trust your own judgement anew. This will come in time, as you learn what made you vulnerable to the promises and you start to recognize falsehood faster and sooner and turn away from it.
You’re not a spath because of those natural responsive feelings.
Disorders in general are pathological extremes of otherwise normal feelings, experiences,etc: the difference is that with normal people you get a palette of diverse feelings and sensations. A normal person can experience these inner situations in the extreme. Firstly, this is often justified because of what happened to them, and when they feel something extremely they also have a counter response as well: guilt, worry, etc… The extreme will taper off. It just needs time and soulwork.
In contrast a sociopath feels anger, rage, and envy all the time, and for no cause or reason. They just hide it well.
You’re not a sociopath, coma-white, and you’re not turning into one. You are going through the logical first steps towards receovery: feeling the hurt, the injustice, the anger.
I also have a tip for you if you feel like missing the good times with him. You must have had good times in your life without a man providing it. It might have been a fox that crossed your path during a walk. Or a beautiful sunset you noticed all of a sudden. Something you admired, enjoyed and kept as a memory. You would have felt content and at peace at such moments.
Whenever you find your mind wandering to moments with him that filled you with happiness… actively dig into your memory for the golden moments in your life, while there was no one of importance around to share it with you.
You can then reteach your brain that it’s possible to be happy without him, or even anybody else.
Louise, the most valuable tool that my counseling therapist ever gave to me was what turned into a mantra for me: “Feelings are not facts.” I am certainly “allowed” to feel any way that I do in response to any situation, whether it’s feeling angry, desperate, joyous, or suspicious. Feelings are very important. But, after I acknowledge what I’m “feeling,” I’m learning to take stock of what that feeling is in response to. Facts are hard. Facts are indisputable. And, most often, facts are not warm and fuzzy – they simply “are.”
No, you don’t have to “turn off” your feelings, at any point. That’s too much of a task to manage. But, OxD, Skylar, Spoon, & Darwinsmom put it out there pretty well, IMHO.
For me, my “feelings” have been based upon fear for pretty much my entire life. It is only due to the experiences with the second exspath that actually caused me to search within myself to learn WHY I wanted everyone to “like” me or why I believed that other people could validate me or provide “approval” of me. And, as odd as this may come across, I am truly grateful for this lesson.
Darwinsmom, it’s good to “see” you! 😀
Brightest blessings!
Coma_white, in due time, triggers can be identified and managed, and the PSTD can dissipate with practice and useful techniques. The depression is “situational” and also dissipates with time, knowledge, and self-exploration.
No….we do not “turn into” spaths as a result of our experiences. I used to feel so GUILTY for wishing ill upon the exspath! Oh, what kind of person did it make ME to feel a desire for vengeance. Well, doesn’t the exspath DESERVE vengeance? Doesn’t he DESERVE my anger? He does not deserve my pity, forgiveness, or understanding because his actions were deliberate and premeditated.
In due time, these “feelings” simmer down and the focus will shift to SELF and recovery, instead of what “he/she did.”
I’m very sorry that you’ve had your experiences and that you are a “member” of this group. But, I’m grateful that you found your way to this site. You’ll find a whole lot of wisdom, humor, and support on your own Healing Path.
Brightest blessings
Dear Coma white,
WELCOME….sorry you need to learn about psychopaths but apparently you do from your description of your husband.
Psychopaths don’t just “suddenly become one” they are one all along, they just “mask” that and cover it up, then the mask slips and you are able to see what the person behind the mask was all along.
“Pathological liar” is a good start on being a psychopath.
Knowledge is power. Learn all you can about psychopaths, and then learn about why you attract them. I would suggest you start by learning the “RED FLAGS” here on Love Fraud and possibly if you can afford it read Donna’s book “Red Flags of Love Fraud” it pretty well sums up what to look for.
Once we learn about them, we have to learn why we allowed them into our lives and how to prevent any more of them in the future. It is a long learning process but allows us to be free of abusive people. Good luck and God bless. and DO stay away from that man and keep your child away from him if possible.
Oxy:
Thanks for your explanation….I liked it! So are you saying that what spoon is talking about just boils down to expectations? I realized a long time ago that if we don’t have high expectations or any expectations at all for that matter, we are better off. I guess this is what I will have to start to do.